Let's talk metamours

PinkPig

Well-known member
I'm still relatively new to poly (less than 2 years.) One of the many things I find fascinating about poly, is the different ways in which everyone handles metamours. Just for discussion's sake, what is your ideal relationship to your metamour(s) and how does that gel with your partner(s) ideals? How does your ideal match with your reality? And, finally, for those of you who've been doing poly for awhile, have your views on metamours changed over the years? If so, how and why?

For my part:

My ideal would be an amicable relationship with my metamour(s). I'd love to be a leg in a live-in V with my partner, Blue (with my own room/space of course.) Blue & I share similar views. Of course, assuming a metamour and I don't click, I just prefer cooperation and minimal drama, contact not necessary :)

As for my experience, although Blue's dated a fair amount, I've only had a few metamours. My relationships to them have ranged from a no contact (pretend I don't exist), drama-filled relationship to a triad. I only just recently met his most recent gf. She seems nice enough and he's happy so I'm happy!
 

Inyourendo

New member
My preference is not to have any contact with nate's sex partners. He prefers inclusion. Today we're going to the movies with one of his fuck buddies. I decided since it's important t o him and makes him feel better an occasional outing won't kill me. Jane is a sometimes lover of his who ended up being a best friend to me but that's because of the fact that she lived with my best friend for 2 years and we had a ton of exposure to each other. I don't like most people and unless i click with them right away I typically never become friends.

Nate only has people in our home when the kids and I are gone (he usually has them host ) because he only has fuck buddies we don't include these people in our family life.

Nate doesn't have anything to do with sam, they have polite small talk if they happen to see each other but that I the extent of it.
 

Invi

New member
I refer to my metamours by astrological sign because that is how I first heard them referred to.
I like the kind of metamour relationship I have with Sagittarius. We've become friends, talk almost daily, and hang out even without our mutual partner. Living together may be in or future.

I don't have a problem with the type of relationship I have with Scorpio. No contact, at my request. I don't like her. Our partner isn't thrilled, but he no longer pushes me to try and be her friend because he knows it's pointless.

I don't really care much about what shape the metamour relationship takes as long as no one is trying to force me to socialize with someone I'd rather not be around.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I don't really have an "ideal" relationship. It is what it is. Hopefully it's not awful.

Gralson (my husband) and Auto (my girlfriend) get along well, have hung out together when I've been out of town and he happened to be home from work. Auto's husband and I are friendly, we get along well enough. He and Gralson get along not at all.

I don't think it has to be complicated. It doesn't hurt to meet anyone, and then you either get along or you don't. It's not a big deal if you don't, you just go on your merry ways. If you do, you can have whatever kind of relationship feels comfortable.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Well I guess I'm off the hook, Deanna cancelled tonight and nate doesn't want to wait until next Thursday to see it
 

Halcyeus

New member
In general I feel great about my metamours. Ideally I'd like to be on friendly terms at the least, if not friends outright. However, I can understand it if they don't want to meet me or feel uncomfortable being around me at the same time as my wife.

Sometimes I get a friendly competitiveness thing going, especially if they're very attractive or talented. So far that's been a healthy motivation rather than anything that feels like I'm feeling insecure. I'm highly competitive anyway, so its not like this is new.

My wife seems to like her metamours so far. If any difficult feelings come up they're directed at me, never towards them, who she usually showers with good will. She met with someone new I'm interested in last night. It was just the two of them so they could get to know each other a little by themselves. They really hit it off, apparently. I'm so happy.
 
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JaneQSmythe

Active member
Personally, I don't really have an "ideal" other than being able to be civil and respectful (even if we don't like each other).

My first real experiences with metamours was when MrS and I got together, I didn't consider him my "boyfriend" and he had a couple of ex's/didn't want to be ex's that he was still seeing. One was his first girlfriend that (after they had broken-up) proposed our first threesome - she was awesome (even if she "wanted him back") - we went to her (first) wedding a few years later. The other was a FWB that wished he was her boyfriend - she was a good friend of mine (we actually met him at the same party - he asked her out, I bade my time :D). Apparently, there was some tension/jealousy there on her part (which I ignored - I'm not responsible for other people's shit:cool:).

My next metamour experiences were with VV's partners. VV was MrS's (platonic) close friend and we were casual girlfriends/FWBs in college - and friends ever since, with benefits or not (depending on how her boyfriend of the minute felt about it). Her current guy she has been with for 7? 9? - some years - is pretty cool. If they come to visit together then he hangs out with MrS while VV and I are off having fun - then we all go out to dinner, etc. We only see VV a few times (if that) a year.

With Dude the experiences vary. Since we live together and hang out with the same group of friends then it is likely that we will all already know (or have met) someone else's "interest". Which is how it is with - let's call her JennyL - his latest - we've all been friends with her for a while and like her regardless of any relationship she has with Dude. With Lotus, they met and talked on OKC but their first date was a "group date" with all of us - and we are all attracted to her and have various degrees of relationships with her. Which is fine - but complicated for her (she also has a husband). Dude went out with another girl from OKC a few times (Jane2 in my blog) - we all went out to dinner a few times, but she and I didn't have much in common, although she was nice enough, I couldn't see us being friends - MrS went to a concert with her that they both wanted to attend (but no one else did).

MrClean, my not-quite-FWB and friends with MrS, likes to invite us out to meet his girlfriends at a certain point. I don't think that he is really poly, but intrigued, and would have questions about a woman that objected to him having poly friends. (His ex-wife turned out to be very judgmental and controlling - in private - which I think plays a role.)

******************

I guess my point is - "it depends". Dude is the MOST likely to be dating someone new - and the MOST desiring of having everyone all mixed up together. I am not against it, per se, but I enjoy the company of very few people. MrS is up for "whatever". - and would never push for any particular outcome.

I think it is fine to let each interpersonal relationship evolve into whatever level it does (or would regardless of other relationships). "Respectful civility" is the minimum if we are in the same physical space - I don't think that ANY of us are up for someone who creates drama "just because". If someone is "seriously dating" (i.e. spending significant amounts of time with someone after a few weeks of public dates) I think having contact info and/or meeting them for a few minutes is reasonable. (You know, so you have something to tell the cops if shit turns fatal!)
 
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nycindie

Active member

LizziE

New member
For me, the "ideal relationship" I'd like to have with a metamour would depend on the lover first.

The only real ideal for me in all metamour relationships is that we can be civil - at the least - and hopefully friendly over time.

But beyond that, if it's someone who I am dating casually and have a good connection with, but both of us are happy to date a few times a month and simply enjoy each others company without an interest in blending our lives, then the ideal would be a friendly relationship with my metamour, if we had a relationship at all. If we didn't, as long as I felt certain that they knew that their partner is poly and that I'm not dating a sneaky cheater then I don't mind if we don't have any kind of relationship at all.

If it's someone who I want to structure a significant part of my life around, then I would hope my metamour and I could become good, supportive friends of each other.

One thing I wouldn't tolerate under any circumstances is a metamour who was snarky, shitty, or belittling of me. If my lover was OK with anybody in their live exhibiting that kind of behavior to anybody else in their life, then we would quickly no longer be dating - I don't act like an asshole to other people, so I expect them to do me that same courtesy. People who don't understand basic human respect and decency don't become a part of my life.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi PinkPig,

Re (from OP):
"What is your ideal relationship to your metamour/s and how does that gel with your partner/s' ideals?"

Well, provided he is a good guy (which ideally he is), I'd like to have a friendly relationship with him. I believe Snowbunny (my partner) wants the same thing.

Re:
"How does your ideal match with your reality?"

Quite nicely, thank you much. :)

Re:
"For those of you who've been doing poly for awhile, have your views on metamours changed over the years? If so, how and why?"

Well due to my forum experience, I've come to understand that many people have little to no contact with their metamours, and that doesn't necessarily mean their poly unit is doomed to fail. Although, as a rule of thumb, I consider friendly metamour relations to be preferable in most cases. (Used to be I would have said all cases.)

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
For me this entirely depends on the relationship - I've done everything from close-enough-to-turn-into-lovers-ourselves to no-contact-at-all. This has gone many ways... let's see...

Pink!Girl...that was complicated. We were double metamours with a ridiculous blend of liking/attraction and resentment/jealousy towards each other, yet also had enough in common we COULD have been friends except we weren't, we were in some ways each others' only outlet for discussing All Things Poly Related, and then we threw sleeping together a couple times into the mix. Can we say "bad idea, not going do to THAT again?"

MartialArtist's now-fiancé was a no-contact-at-all situation. In any other circumstance, I might not have agreed to that, but there were enough mutual friends involved that I was confident it was DADT not cheating (as cheating would have just gotten outed quickly.) Had it gone deeper I'd have wanted some level of acquaintance but it didn't.

Sunshine is another double-metamour-turned-occasional-lover, but this time it works well - we're pretty close friends, there's not weirdness, if weirdness DOES pop up we talk about it, and occasionally we fall into bed, usually as a group thing. Score. :D The only downside to the closeness is that it does put emphasis / strain on the other relationships in the quad in a way that having completely separate relationships wouldn't.

Tattooed has other lovers, I really don't care other than from a health level. KinkyChemist (TheKnight's other sometimes-lover) seems nice enough, we actually went to the same school so we have some stuff in common but it's shallow and that's fine. I've met AnotherArtist's wife, briefly, I wouldn't mind knowing her better but it just hasn't happened yet.

So, the tl;dr version? I don't have requirements for my metamours and am willing to let what happens, happen on that front, EXCEPT I refuse to get involved in drama again. :rolleyes:
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
If my husband was to date, I prefer to know the woman pretty well, and if they become serious, I expect us to be talking. The issue is my husband tend to fall for confused women, the last one is more like me but she is less interested in structure, just broke off with her boyfriend of ten years, don't know if she and my husband will end up together.

Right now I am very happy to live in a V. A lot in my life resemble monogamy I think. My boys are friends, respect each other a lot and act a little like brother in laws.
 
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Len51

New member
My wife and I just ended a 40 year poly triad with a woman that we both loved and were sexual with. We are not big fans of metamours because we never saw it work longer than short term for any of our poly friends. We saw the drama and complications when someone got pregnant or an STD. We saw wives begging their husbands to spend more time with their kids than the new kid he had with his girlfriend. We saw both wives and husbands forbidding further contact with another lover and then find out that their spouse was cheating.


Primarily we saw married couples who did not love each other to the extent that they felt each other was enough to make them happy and sexually fulfilled. Most times the husband wanted to cheat without guilt. It always seems to be about sex rather than building a family with another person. It is pure and simple wanting their cake and eat it too. I am a little down on how I see the word poly being used to justify having sex with others and nothing more than that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Real poly is an MFF triad, eh?
 

Inyourendo

New member
Duh! Don't you know only real poly is when the third loves the couple equally but the main relationship has priority. I thought everyone knew that
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well if we knew it, he wouldn't have to remind us all the time. :eek:
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
LOL yeah, you definitely want to jettison one of the ladies at that point.
 

Len51

New member
We had a strict rule, my wife and I played and loved together or not at all. Our marriage was prime and all else was secondary. My wife is bi and not too keen on other guys so we stuck with a woman to join us. She was a very long and close friend to both of us so it was very easy to incorporate her into our life. Both ladies are bi and that made it easy and exciting for me. To me this is the ideal poly relationship if you are looking for a long term one. We lasted 25 years until I was transferred for my job and she did not want to leave her husband an 35 year old son.
 

KC43

New member
Len, you said you're "not big fans of metamours", and yet you've said elsewhere that your third was married to another man. That would mean that you and your wife had a metamour...Regardless of your third's relationship with her husband, or why she married him, he would still have been metamour to you and your wife.

And I don't get why polyamory *has* to mean building a family with an additional person. Monogamy doesn't always involve building a life and family with a partner, so why should polyamory?

I also have issues with the whole "polyamory means keeping the couple the primary focus and only getting involved with someone who wants to be involved with *both* members of the couple... My guys and I are all straight. Neither of them would want to be involved with another man; I wouldn't want to be involved with another woman. That doesn't make it any less poly.

Aside from that, and more on topic...

I don't have any metamours right now. I guess the closest would be S2's ex-wife, with whom he's still good friends, but the extent of their current relationship is friendship and co-parenting. I've met her and her girlfriend once now, and we got along great.

If I were to have a metamour, I would want to know who she is and to be kept informed of the status of that relationship, but I don't know that I would want to actually *meet* her, and I definitely wouldn't want to be in social--or sexual--situations with her. I think meeting her would probably feed my insecurities more than simply knowing she exists would.

As for Hubby and S2, they've met twice. Once because I asked them to meet each other because I felt more comfortable that way (we all went out to dinner together), and once when Alt finished cosmetology school and wanted the three of us there to see her sign out of the school for the final time. And now Country wants both of them to be at her school banquet at the end of the month, so that's probably going to happen.

S2 and Hubby were okay with the idea of meeting because they were curious about each other, and because they're both protective of me and wanted to make sure the other was "an okay guy," as Hubby put it. And they got along quite well, because they have similar personalities and senses of humor. But they prefer not to have contact with each other in general or to hear much about each other.
 
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