Life in my Circle House

Selene

New member
My circle house is the only thing I could think of to describe my lovers in one small acronym. For those who haven't been "in the know" I'll give you a break down:

Andulvar: My husband and primary. We've been married for 3 years after dating for one. I met him when we both work at Hollywood Video (good riddance to it!) shortly after he broke up with his cheating whore of a fiance. I live with him currently and we have two cats. Yeah.

Marius: One of my oldest friends and first loves, Marius is the girl I always wanted to have but she was always taken. We went through a lot of rough patches so far, one almost ending us completely, but we still are very close today. She is the one I feel the most comfortable with (besides the obvious).

Company: Marius's primary and husband, he and I have had a rocky relationship. We started out not quite liking each other and almost ended that way. There are still many things we need to figure out :/ but my attitude toward him has changed considerably.

Thunder: The only one of us lacking a primary, sad face. He and I are working on our relationship, which right now is leaning towards more platonic (but this could change).

Vegeta: Ariel's primary. I started getting close to Vegeta a few years ago before she moved down south to be with Ariel. It made things much harder, especially because of the drama between Ariel and I. I relate a lot to her though, especially humor wise.

Ariel: Things between Ariel and I have also improved considerably, after a long session of talkies and a few tears. We connect on a very emotional level as well which is nice for me. Ariel is the one I have to go the slowest with as many of these changes are a bit hard to take for her. But it's cool...they're hard for me too.

****

Last night was the first night we all spent together, although it was far from romantic. Everyone (excluding Andulvar and I) created a mattress room which is basically a room with two beds filling it. Seven people, a full size bed and a queen size bed...picture that in your head. It was cramped as hell! Not to mention the heat....it made my work day full but I though it was well worth it.

Tonight we had a polyfam dinner planned, along with another stay over but those thoughts quickly turned a bit sour.

My friend, Rage, is most of the problem. She, Marius and I were really close back in the good 'ol high school days. She even puesdo-dated Marius for awhile, I say psuedo because it sure didn't stop her from sleeping with other people. They ended badly, friends-wise as well, yet they stayed some what connected. Rage moved down south for awhile and came back up a couple of times, this time is more recent.

Rage is...well, dramatic and a bit of a user. I use to enable her a lot back in the day but today is a different story and she doesn't always see that. She lives a wild lifestyle which recently has caused her to greatly injured her knee. She's in a leg brace and feeling rather worthless, especially since her family is fighting around her. Anyhow...

I get a call from her, begging me to let her crash at my place tonight. She had gotten in a huge fight with her aunt and was a complete wreck. I declined, telling her I had prior plans (she's knows I'm poly but doesn't necessarily like it). This didn't go well as- she hung up on me. I called Marius next, who explained that I had to do what I felt was right and that she understood and didn't blame me. Marius already knew what I was going to do and I love her for it. I went to Rage, bashed my plans and went to her (like the supposed "bad friend" I am). When I got there I explained to her, in a the most non-angry way I could that she was blackmailing me, emotionally. That no matter what she thought of me to please not take me for granted. That just because I don't call her or do everything with her means that I don't care about her. In the end, I left without her, yet she decided it. Hopefully, I gave her something to think on :/

We didn't have enough time to put together our original dinner but Ariel pulled out someone fit for all of us (sexy Asian cooking) and I hope that our eve goes off without another hitch.

Rage makes me die inside though...seriously.

~Selene
 

Selene

New member
Emotions Abound

Last night turned a bit...hard for me. Because we has just gotten a new cat, Archimedes, Andulvar wanted to sleep at home. Since I was going to volunteer at a book sale early in the morning, I opted to stay there ( as thats was where my ride was and I have trouble getting up early). Andulvar said it was fine and left....I'm still not sure if it really was "fine".

Going to sleep was difficult. Even with everyone else, I still missed the hell out of my primary since it has been a long, long time since I have actually slept alone. Nightmare after nightmare abounded, resulting in little sleep...for him too. We got a call at about 5 AM saying that the book sale was off due to the rainstorm we are currently having. Later I woke to a text message from Andulvar saying that he loves me and to be careful. I went back and spent a few minutes with him.

After he left for work, I was plagued with many emotions. Anger, fear, depression, all gave way to self doubt. In that moment, I hated myself for no reason. I could not stand my own seemingly foul presence and felt I had to be ended* I also felt so much love for my circle house that I wanted to cry but had no tears for it.

So I ate, drank my coffee, and went back to my circle house. I buried my hurt inside and went back.


*(I have bi-polar disorder so these thoughts are common, unfortunatly).
 

eklctc

New member
I can completely understand your frustration with Rage. It seems to be an energy draining relationship and I hope your words have caused her to do some self reflecting.

I would love to find several partners to live and love with successfully. I'm leaning more towards all singles or at least non-married people or those who have been in a ltr for less than two years. My experiences with couples just have not worked out very well.

I'm sorry for your not so great night and your emotional rollercoaster. I hope this eve turns out to be much better.
 

Selene

New member
@eklctc: I hope for that with Rage as well. Underneath all of her bad qualities she really is a good person, hopefully I can always see that as well :/ lol, yeah couples can be rough, in fact our relationship kinda of formed on it's own. Thanks for your support mucho.
 

MariusdeRomanus

New member
And you want her in your life . . . why?:confused:
The relationship that Selene and I have with Rage is difficult to explain without going through a novel's worth of words. Suffice to say, she is like a sister to us both. Selene is right, and Rage is full of good qualities. The unfortunate bit is that sometimes she's rather self-absorbed, and it colors her view of the world and the people around her completely. I myself prefer to keep her very much at a distance, and this helps a lot.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
I have a few people that I consider "friends" yet I don't like to hang out with them too much. I'm sure that I have other friends who feel that way about me.

This is okay.
 

Selene

New member
My life, My Marius, My Rage

@NeonKaos: It's fine with me as well.


I think I should explain a bit more about my relationship with Rage, so I'll start with my background.

Rage was one of my first real friends in high school. We had much in common, I was fucked up, she was fucked up, we had both just moved and our families were in turmoil. We also lived very close to one another. When, Marius met Rage, we all just clicked. We started doing everything together except sometimes Rage would bail and it gave Marius and I more bonding time. Rage knew that I was falling in love with Marius but she began dating her anyway.

Times passed...we grew close. Then Marius met Company who Rage had a huge problem with and because I was such a doormat at the time, I had a problem with him as well. This created friction with Marius and she and Rage began fighting more and more. One night we tried to conduct a ritual to try and bring us back together, it backfired. Marius ended up in the ER, Rage was chain smoking outside and I didn't know what to do. I was determined to keep all of us together.

Maris began pulling away from both of us. When talking about this years later, she said that she didn't mean pull away from me but at the time I was very, very hurt. Because of my fear of being alone, I clung to Rage not really knowing what to do.

Marius moved farther away from me and met Vegeta and Thunder. When she tried to integrate Rage and I with that, Rage resisted. She was very jealous that Marius was choosing to hang with them over her, and kept saying they were "fake friends". Marius shut her out for awhile after that.

Rage spiraled. She got really into drugs and hung out with dealers. Eventually I grew a spine and told her to fuck off which she didn't take well. When I began dating Andulvar she and him also "clicked" as they have lots in common. Andulvar didn't like what she was doing to me however and hung out with her less and less. After she moved down south, tensions eased. Marius worked out some issues with her (and issues of her own) and so did Rage.
Things were actually going okay until she hurt her knee.

The biggest question that I get is: why are you still her friend? Honestly, right now thats what I am working out. While she has improved on her anger and possessiveness problems, she is still highly self-absorbed. Right now, she's in her own pity party and I can't stand it. She keeps taking me for granted and it's making me frustrated by proxy this is making my circle house quite irate with her. I'm trying to figure out a way to talk to her about this without her going on gung-ho on me but for right now, I'm keeping my distance.

Bottom line is, I love chilling with her. I love clubbing with her, drinking with her, playing games with her and just talking with her. I hate how she feels entitled to all of my time, gets butt-hurt when I don't invite her to every damn thing and won't stop whining about how she is the victim in all of this. I love her and I fucking hate her.

Maybe some serious altar time will help sort this out...
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
So Rage has some issues but she also has redeeming qualities and you still get some positive benefits from the relationship.

You can say that to people when they ask why you are still friends with her.
 

Fidelia

New member
What NK said.

One thing you may wish to consider: we teach people how to treat us. For whatever reason, you have taught Rage her behavior toward you is acceptable, or at least that you will accept it. If it is no longer acceptable to you, teach her that.

It sounds to me like you, Marius and Rage met up along the path from adolescence to adulthood and the three of you traveled together for a while. For reasons that seemed good to each of you, you and Marius have continued along that path, while Rage has set up camp somewhere in the land of adolescence and wants you to keep circling back to keep her company and bring her supplies.
 

Selene

New member
Frustration Plantation

Agggghhh....It's been 3 weeks since Andulvar and I have had sex. Also, we are the only part of couple that hasn't had sex with the other so far but I try not to mind that so much, we can only go with our comfort levels, right?

Unfortunatly for me, my parts have been messed up and we don't know why, thats why I've been trying to get in Planned Parenthood....I go in today a bit later. But because of these things, Andulvar has been reluctant to have me and he doesn't want to piss me off by having someone else right now.

This kinda came to head last night...we were all having dinner and hanging out. Andulvar kept doing this thing were he would look at me and Marius and go into the bedroom, then come back out and repeat. This occured like three times and I thought it was because he was playing X Box in there and wanted us to come sit with him. I guess he wanted sex but I sure as shit didn't pick up that hint. Eventually I got tired and wanted to go home, waited for him, and we left together.

This morning, he said that he had been talking to Company about the fact that Marius wanted to dominate me (as in BDSM) and fool around with Andulvar. Andulvar had said that because I was whining about going home, we ended up leaving.

WTF?

Thats when I realized that the whole subtle hint he was doing was for sex. I told him that those things don't work on him because I don't get subtle, you have to be forward with me. He said he didn't want to seem like a dick....it went on from there. I felt bad that maybe I had seemed like I rejected Marius, so I sent a hasty text. She said that she was considering it but that the mood didn't seem right. She didn't seem hurt which was a relief. Andulvar and I worked it out okay but hopefully the doctor has some news in this shit because I'm not sure how long I can take it, my issues or my under-sexed primary.
 

SNeacail

New member
I hate the subtle hint thing :rolleyes:. My sutble hints don't seem to work on my husband and I don't seem to get his. We finally had to make the decission to just be upfront about what we need or want. When he does ask, sometimes I will just close up my computer, tv, book, etc immediately while other times I will tell him, give me 1/2 hour or so to finish up what ever I was doing. This whole change in dynamic actually surprised him and suddenly he was getting more sex than he could keep up with ;). Before he just assumed I wasn't interested, when the reality was I wasn't reading his "hints".

Maybe you guys can come up with some code words that you both can feel safe using for such situations.
 

MariusdeRomanus

New member
@SNeacail: There is actually a code word Selene has begun to use which originated from when Ariel and Vegeta were dating Thunder. For whatever odd reason, Thunder didn't want any of the rest of us to know he was dating them, so when he'd go over to their house for alone time (well, let's just call it what it was... lots of sex) they would ask him if he wanted to make/have "cupcakes". Now that's what we all say, even if there's no one around to hear it.
 

Selene

New member
*sighs*

I've noticed that I'm getting really tired of being in the house all the damn time, at least when I'm not working. I'm either at one house or the other and I just need a change of scenery. So I set up a date where all of my girls and I could go out to a club. Ariel has been wanting to go and Marius and Vegeta have never been to my knowledge. It was going to be tonight but life happened.

Marius and Ariel are trying to start a legit baking company and to start off they are having bake sales, seeing what recipes work etc. They are doing one tomorrow with Thunder's mom and earlier today Marius told me that they wouldn't be able to go because they still have tons more stuff to do for the bake sale. To her credit, she said all this in a really nice text. It kinda annoyed me though because I felt blown off especially when Marius (after a few more texts) said that she wished I wouldn't get annoyed so quickly because some things we can't control. At that point, I just wanted to stop talking about it instead of ask what was screaming through my mind, what things?

See, cause I had this set up: I got us in for free on a DJ list, I got flowers for everyone, set aside money so that I could buy everyone drinks; I even had surprises for all of them, including buying the whatever food we wanted for later. And I can't be annoyed? It makes me feel like my emotions aren't being validated. Although I know they didn't know all the things I had planned and I can't hold that against them, it still bugs. Unfortunately, I have a serious lack of friends and I don't feel like fighting with Andulvar about going to the club solo.

Ironic that Rage would do this with me in a heartbeat but I kinda feel bad about invite someone to go dancing when their leg is all busted up, especially someone who loves it as much as she does. Kinda like it would be a slap in the face, you know?

Anyhow, I guess I'm not really that mad about it, never was in the first place though I kinda fucked up the flowers so I guess I took it out on them. At least I saved the surprises because though are a super shade of awesome. It's whatever...at least I'm going out tomorrow night with a friend for some serious me-time because I think that's where this kinda stems from, I need some me-time. Away from my fucking house.


.....*headdesk*
 

Selene

New member
>_>

Small update for me; things have been going well although I can't wait for this semester to end. I'm lightening my class load for spring, only taking two class- Philosophy and Anthro so I'm super excited.

I spent some alone time with Company recently and we have decided to embark on a Dom/Sub relationship, with me being the Dom. If anyone has any advice on that, please share :)
He is also into that with Vegeta as well but her and I don't think it will interfere much, I guess we can wait and see. Andulvar is progressing with Marius nicely, they are talking a lot more and I hope that it becomes more physical soon. It makes me so happy because a lot of the time he doesn't feel close to anyone. Andulvar and I are entertaining the thought of having Marius and Company move in with us, we would get a bigger place of course...but this does ride on Marius getting a job. Our lease is up in March so she has awhile but Company is concerned about money and it's causing some small fights with them. They had a big one recently that upset me, mostly because they were upset but they can be very cruel to one another. I heard some of the things that were said and damn....Andulvar and I fight but this is a whole new level of fighting. I hope they figure their shit out.

This Thursday we are celebrating Thanksgiving at Golden Corral because we are in the poor house and I have family obligations on the actual day. Still, should be a good time. Good times :)
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I spent some alone time with Company recently and we have decided to embark on a Dom/Sub relationship, with me being the Dom. If anyone has any advice on that, please share :)

Might want to check out a thread called BDSM. There is lots in there

The dynamic between poly and D/s makes things very interesting depending on how you play/live the lifestyle. There is lots on www.fetlife.com in regards to specifics about the interactions. It might be a better resource in regards to those specifics vs these poly forums.
 

Selene

New member
Perfectly Flawed

So....turns out I have a certain infection that is very contagious and I may have spread it to my other lovers. Andulvar most likely has it, if anyone else....its really the only thing I regret from that night with Rage.

It was before we were poly, in short, we (Andulvar, Marius, Company and myself) got drunk and slept together. Rage feels horrible about it and is certain that it came from her. I just got back from the clinic feeling a myriad of things that I really want to sort out before I have to go to work at 2. I don't know...regret and sadness want me to run back to my own house, I want to hide, to be invisible. It doesn't make sense, this poison that I feel inside me, I hate it so much that I begin to feel nothing. I want this hurt to bleed out of me, so I'm keeping myself here because I don't trust myself.

I don't want to worry anyone but I don't know how to pretend to be okay. There is nothing anyone can do, I'm so fucking weak about this bullshit, I should be able to handle it, I have to stand up, have to be strong but I am so tired to doing that. So tired of being here, I just want to fade.

This is stupid, really fucking stupid. How can I expect anyone to understand, to even know? I don't make sense inside, all the pieces are broken and I don't know how which glue to use to put it all back together.

I'm not making sense please disregard all the psycho-babble bullshit I spew. It doesn't matter any way.
 

Passport

New member
@Selene ... its an infection. Its not the end of the world, it doesn't make you a bad person, you didn't go out and deliberately infect anyone else, nor did you try to hide it.

That makes you a good person, not a bad person.

The people who matter won't mind (and will work with you around it) and the people who mind don't matter (they won't)

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone has something "not perfect" about them.

(((HUGS)))
 

Selene

New member
In Silent Repose

@ Everyone, thanks for the advice and continued support.


It seems that darker time has fallen upon my relationship. Recently, Vegeta lost her dad. They were very close and it has really shaken her. I'm at a loss of what to do besides be there for her and Ariel is doing a good job of that. However, it seems to me that Ariel has shut down towards all of us and wants to spend all of her time with Vegeta. Which is totally fine...except that I feel left out in the cold.

Its hard to bring this up with her because she flies off the handle. It's not as bad for myself and Andulvar as it is with Company. Also recently, Company and Marius got into a bad fight and...it got a little physical. It's something that is not new in there relationship, we've all known about it and they have made great strides in fixing it. Ariel got involved and words were said out of haste and anger. The end result was that Ariel and Vegeta put their relationship with Company at a stand still. It shook him badly, even after he calmed down and apologized to Marius and all those involved. He's trying to make it up to Ariel and Vegeta with little things, but Ariel isn't having it, at least that's how it seems to me.

Lately, it has felt like Marius, Company, Andulvar and I are forming more of a quad. I don't feel an emotional connection from Vegeta or Ariel; (Thunder has always felt like a friend to me- it could change). I don't have a problem with Ariel and Vegeta going back to being mono, however, they need to tell me and soon. If that's not what they want, then I don't know what it is. I can't forge a relationship with Vegeta if Ariel is constantly in the way and I don't want to forge one with Ariel if she keeps up this damn unapproachable attitude. I hate saying it but I am a sensitive person and I'm shy so its often hard for me to move first if I feel that the situation is volatile.

I just don't know how much longer I can take this.
 
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