Living Truthfully Within

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Oh and if you want to follow my writing you can join my FB group for poly authors (if that's something you do as well) pm me for that info and i'll send it your way. We're a pretty tight nit group of women identifying only, (trans/ nonbinary are welcome too).

And I forgot to post some of my book covers! All these are available as premades. Yes I'm shamelessly plugging myself, but hell after everything that's happened in my life the least that could happen a slap on the wrist for trying to be positive about myself and future lol.

Link to private Facebook group for people to follow my book covers: Book Covers by Nicole Lane Studio

 

[starlight1]

For the first time in a long time I might actually have some potential poly news?

Early days. Gabriel (A man I dated brief in 2017) contacted me about writing. Although at this point we are platonic, I can't deny there's interest floating around. Odd since I haven't been interested in men in a long time. Or anyone for that matter. Not since Ariel. He's interested in being a writing assistance having seen my call out here. I'd completely forgotten I'd shared my blog with him. It was nice to touch base again. He's doing really well with a healthy long term relationship and stable career. We both seem like healthier happier people now than when we met back then. We both interesting have written books- and he's very good at editing so I'm excited to bounce idea around with him and be friends/critique partners.

I can't do the whole "Not mattering to people" thing again. And I said that upfront. So I'm going to just sit with it. We'll see where it goes.

As for me, I now have 3- count that- 3 jobs.

1) my freelance art and writing
2)a job on a website hiring me as a book cover artist
3)my writing job with radish

Between the passive income on the first and last two with writing, and the money I make for commissions I'm in a place to be financially independent and completely off assistance within a year or two. The book is getting a lot of traction, considering I've done it out of nowhere. And I'm putting my fingers into a lot of pies in the mean time.

I also have an actual support network again.
1) my therapist
2) my best online friend and critique partner (she doesn't have a name yet)
3) tentatively Gabriel as another critique partner
4) and my larger group of authors for RH/Poly/Whychoose I run. Which is fabulous. It's about 30 women from all over the world, from well known names to indie brilliants.
5) reconnected some with IrishCoffee too, she is doing well (trans m to f).
6) close relationship with my oldest child now (non binary now) ShootingStar, working on younger Rosebud.
7)things are good and clam with N mum, and stepdad, brother, and grandma. brother is coming in from out of town to visit and we have plans to spend the holidays with him. Fur babies are good too and also a constant loving presence.

I'm feeling good about the people I have built up around me from the ashes of my life.

 

[starlight1]

I'm so happy. My sales on my book are going well, I'm editing book 2. Book three is rumbling around in the outlining phase (not coming out till probably sometime mid/late 2022). And my artwork is taking off!
I had a great time with my brother out here, and I've managed to get 2 more commissions since my last post on here. Plus I am diversifying to quite a few markets. Patreon. NSFW on a pen name (art), and selling abstract wall art bundles. And also looking into NFTS so my art isn't stolen.

I am excited about 2022!

 

[starlight1]

I've been dating again for the first time in ages, not with Gabriel who I mentioned before but we are loosely friends still...and I think my lack of liking men was a lot of trauma based stuff. I've been working with a therapist for a little over 6 months now, and we've dug deep and I am feeling better about myself than I ever have. The new guy I will give the name of....Arbor. Since he works as a landscaper and arborist.

I'm so freaking happy.

So Arbor is the man I've been dating for a little while now and we just became socially official (facebook, meeting each others families) AND who is fine with me dating women!

I also have a potential woman LDR, that is someone I really jive with. Her nickname will be Leona. She's definitely interested in poly and women too, and I confessed my feelings to her and she said she had feelings for me too. And now we are kind of flirting together. She is a really successful romantic fantasy author who is married. I actually have her as a core member of my group I run. We only just confessed feels after knowing each other almost a year online and being basically best friends first. We talk almost every day, and a few times a week on video/voice.

Who knew that writing would be the way to meet women? But holy cow is it a good way to meet the Sapphic ladies! Just letting you all know if you wanna meet women join writing/reading groups in romance. Yup! Lots of bi, pan, lesbian ladies there.

So a little about each person. My boyfriend is tall, a little younger than me by about 6 years, and such a gentle giant. He has the highest emotional IQ I've seen in a man since Rocky. With out all the commitaphobe issues. I still miss Rocky, but it's more like, the memory of him rather than himself. He was a good guy for the most part. And I learnt a LOT from him.

So many more things gel for me with this new dude, 1) he doesn't want kids at all, but likes kids. He just doesn't want kids because it's a personal life choice and the economy etc. He comes from a poor county in the USA and that caused some issues around wanting to raise kids in an environment with meth etc. We talked a lot about all this because we're both teetotal on drugs because he had a druggy mother. He's done and doing the work on himself like me, I found out he's an INFP, and I'm ENFP) Sooo, we actually work out really well that way! He's very "effeminate" in many of his features, expressions, thoughts, mannerisms etc. (Gender is such a strange thing.- a topic for another time.)
I'm totally chill with his "one penis policy" because 1) its normal with a person who's never been with someone poly, and 2) I am quite happy to be with just one penis. It was an easy compromise seeing as I wasn't sure I wanted *any* penises ever again. He says he's monagamous so that might have its own issues later, but right now it's ok. We're fine with the mono-poly life. Especially since my health stops me from having more than 2 lovers anyway, and besides anymore than that and I can't get my writing and art careers done. So really he is a very patient and understanding dude about a lot of my down time needs, and his introverted ways make it really easy to write or do art with him in the same room and he's happy as a clam. I met him on an online game, and we kept conversing for a few months before we started talking on voice then progressed to dating, then meeting up etc, so it's not felt scary. And the one time it did, when I hadn't really told him about Leona yet, he knew something was up (that high intuition) and we then hashed it out, with the encouragement of my therapist.

Though hash it out sounds like there was an argument, it was more like, a blubbering mess on my side, he thought about it for a bit, then came back to me and said "There's nothing about you Star that you have told me that makes me love you any less." And well, that just made my heart melt.

Leona - is a strong willed business woman with a witty sense of humor, highly intelligent, pagan, and absolutely stunningly gorgeous. She is 2 years younger than me, and we literally never run out of things to talk about. She is a proud person and doesn't like to ask for help a lot, I take a little bit of an assertive role with her letting her let down her hair and make sure she's taking care of herself since she tends to put herself last. She takes care of a few people and fur babies in her life. We have a lot of laughs together about stuff, and often work on our books together. We hash out ways to promote, improve the group, improve our respective lives etc. She like myself struggled with self confidence and weight in the past and so is totally into me regardless my weight; while at the same time supporting each other in healthy goals. Her family is from the same part of the world as my bf's ironcally. It's like I finally found my tribe.

So I'm finally, for the first time getting 1) committed serious relationship prospects[Arbor seeming to be on a sort of escalator track, minus possible marriage and kids and maybe living next to each other or possibly with each other/ and Leon being a LDR. I don't know if we'll ever be more I'd probably have to move near her to make it work if I did down the road and I don't know if I'd do that. We still haven't met in person yet so this one is a lot more uncertain practically outside of our community.], and 2) a balanced healthy approach to polyamory: 1 man and and 1 woman, both approached through friendship first.

I think this is it for me for now; not looking for anymore. Not like when I was a kid in a candy store back in England lol.

Ok, back to work stuff: Book two is with Beta readers right now and will be ready soon. I thought I'd have it finished sooner but my author artwork and personal commissions took off and I had to alternate between both careers the last two months while I decided which one I wanted to focus on full time. (That just blew my mind!) But; I think I've settled on writing full time vs. art full time since the writing has the better potential to make a better life later on.

Also; I'm out and proud of social medias etc. as "open relationship/polyamorous." I'm in a really good place right now and I'm so grateful for this forums over the years to watch all your journey's even when I'm not around. And to have a safe space to return to. The world sure has changed from when I started out here in 2009! I can't believe I've been around here over 10 years and only *JUST NOW* feeling safe and good enough in myself to create healthy poly relationships and commitments openly and honestly. Jeez what a journey its been.
I have been so discouraged and confused about my sexuality because of trauma for the last few years. And my heart being utterly crushed by Rocky. However, I am really proud to say that I'm finally almost completely over him, and I even have greater geniune self-worth I was lacking and seeking form outside sources back when I knew him.

Bring on the second half of 2022! Another update will probably happen closer to book release day, and if anything progresses with Leona.
And my most recent cover I did. Check out the full cover here: https://yourbookcover.art

 

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Just a quick edit that I can't go back to do, back in 2020/2021, I was in a queue to get a local psychologist but that was delayed because of pandemic. So I had a psychiatrist. (For meds) and a support worker, but hadn't yet started talky therapy (although I saw, and still see the psychiatrist every three months and she stepped in, in a quasi fashion for a little while.)

The combination of psychiatrist (meds) plus a therapist (talky talking) I truly can trust, (Julia), has been just incredible. Up until a month ago we were meeting every single week and it's finally calmed down to every other week. And will be going forward until I've dealt with my shame / guilt patterns.

Honestly, finding a good therapist that I can get along with, almost compares to my dating record. I had some truly horrid therapists in the past looking back on it, and this one is so supportive of everything about me.

 

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Arbor is coming out to visit at the end of this month.

Also, I now have standing girly night with Leona now, and

my Author/ writing tribe is solidifying and growing.

I'm really happy.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm really happy.

Yay!!! HAPPYYY!!!
So glad to here that things are coming together for you so well!
JaneQ

 

[starlight1]

Yay!!! HAPPYYY!!!
So glad to here that things are coming together for you so well!
JaneQ

Thanks JaneQ Yeah, it really helps to have the right meds/therapist and to really work on ones self. I hope things are going well for you too?

 

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Update:

I am becoming a virtual leader. All those skills I learned in gaming I'm turning into the work world, its transitioning really well! I now only game with my BF Arbor on a really casual basis on our date nights. We do virtual board games mostly. Or talk. Sometimes he even helps me with work.

Tonight he met my "book boyfriends." lol.

As far as how my group is led, its mostly run through discord and facebook.


- I have 3 moderators,
- 1 Nanowrimo event organizer,
- 2 USA sprint organizers (tuesday nights),
- and 2 UK/EU sprint organizers on Monday (mornings usa and evening GMT).

The different people alternate weeks so no one is overwhelmed. the sprints to clarify are sessions ranging from 10mins - 1hr where people write together and either talk or type in the discord. Some really prefer the Pomodoro method, (25min writing, 10 mins breaks) and others prefer longer more structured sprints.

In fact, the hardest part of doing all this was getting the ball rolling. It took about 6 months for it to be more than just me and Leona lol.

But now that it is, I mostly just oversee what everyone else does in a casual way. I could probably step away completely and the whole group would run it's self both on FB and Discord.

I'm now expanding further.

I have 250 newsletter people, I am testing out three different editors to see which one jives with me. I have a team for 10 beta / arc readers (people who help with developmental and plot based edits, then help me with promoting, cheering on, reviewing etc. my books.)

The two most exciting things I'm running right now is a once a month book club, and a Poly/RH/Whychoose monster anthology; ranging from sweet to spicy. The Monster Anthology will be out in Valentine's 2023. Promo for event I created:




The further delegation of offloading the FB posts, and sprints sessions each week, has helped me clear up time to focus on these events. I work most days for 4 hours at time, with some variation. I keep track of this on a google spread sheet that helps me track my words per hour, but also my energy and focus levels for my M.E.

A really fantastic day is 6 hours of work. A bad day is 1-2. Or sleeping the day to catch up on rest. I take wednesdays and sundays off completely.
I alternate with my mother on elder care, I generally oversee the night time elder care and she takes over in day time till 7pm. That's working for us so far. She has been doing dinners, brigning them over, and I do dishes so she can have a relatively clean kitch most the time now, since she is horrid at cleaning up after herself and I avoid going over there to eat, because I cant physically stand going into a messy house. Ick. At least not (this type of messy)- its not a few piles or laundry and forgotten books, no its pee stained floors where they havent taken their old dogs outside.

But I digress.

As far as my art career is going. I also have some exciting developments!

I got a like and follow from *julia freaking garner* for my speed painting of her I did a few months ago. That made my post go viral; which is why I've started transitioning my art skills to pushing my books. A viral video will probably net 0 book over clients, I still have to source book cover clients like I have any other visual art: word of mouth. I won't be sharing my tiktok because each tiktok requires me to market towards specific markets- so I've learnt that trick in 20booksto50k group.

But, having said that, it does mean I can take what I have learnt on tiktok from art, and transpose it to my books. A viral booktok post can net me a lot of money, enough that I can start seeing the end of dependency on the horizon. Between book two coming out soon, and the anthology, I'm super excited about the prospect of generating leads to KU/ Zon, etc.

I forgot to mention that in 2020-2021 I took a digital course (self taught) very casually for the entire year learning how to digitally do art. And I'm still doing repeat client work for those who seek me out, mostly. I have one book cover to complete by June, and a few smaller NSFW pieces from people who follow me on my art discord. Oh yeah, managing all these socials is kind of annoying. One day i hope to not just hire and editor but a social media manager. Jeez I'd be so much more productive if I didn't have to do the socials stuff. Honestly, to get any work done, I unplug myself entirely from online stuff.

I've even had to train Arbor to only have a date night three times a week so I could get work done. (He's taking it well, I'd do less but we're in honeymoon phase still, so it's alright. Plus most the dates actually include some brainstorming and problem solving on my books, win win.- he's pretty creative and if I can get him onboard with my writing and we duo the crap out of this, it'd speed up the process of future income by quite a bit.

Let's see in terms of pandemic stuff, my grandma and I both had covid a few months back (despite shots and boosters), and now she's been fighting and on and off cold/flu like stuff ever since. I recovered, but her energy levels decreased and so I am doing more elder care than before.
I look forward to the near future when Arbor is local, I really could use the extra set of hands once in awhile. We're aiming for him moving here in approx. 8 months, his next trip out is actually to do job hunting, now that he's saved up stuff for moving etc.

And as for me, I'm grey rocking the shit out of any drama with my mother, and anyone else in my groups who are even remotely like her.
I'm also enjoying my relationship with Arbor a lot.

One person at a time, instead of multiple dating is a lot more sensible, but I always seem to meet people in packs? Or realize I have feels around the same time. However, this time it seems to be ok. I get wonderful girly time with Leona in a loving healthy way, and then I also get the reliability of a solid committed planning-goal orientated relationship.

Ah, life is good.

One of our future trips together, Arbor and I, we're planning on going to Thailand. I think a few weeks on a beach will do me wonders. He may not stay the entire time, but I would. And I am hoping that I can plan it so that I spend some time with Arbor there, then invite Leona out to do some writing together and really spend one on one time away from all her crazy work stuff, in a comet capacity I think we could really work long term.

 

[starlight1]

Only a few short days and I have a whole week with Arbor. So freaking excited. I need a break so bad I can't stand it. Life has been caring, work, caring, work, caring, work, sleep, and rinse wash repeat. It will be amazing to do some fun things together and spend time away from normal day to day life.

Anthology is ramping up, I'm doing a 40k story set in the same universe I'm currently writing in, and its going to be a little different. From the perspective of three bi men in a triad who meet a mysterious woman/snake shifter. So it's still following some RH tropes, but also subverting them some too. I'm also writing a FFF romance, and a silly PNR comedy humor romance for Radish.

What else...
I'm seeing a way past and through this housing situation too. I'm thinking I just save up and 1) buy out my mother and flip the house; or 2) give over my name and move in with Arbor and save up for my own and let them do whatever.

Either way I need to detangle myself from the N-mom and stop thinking this place and her is my ONLY salvation. It isn't. Maybe it was a few years ago, but I have a PARTNER now, AND a CAREER.

And I really don't want the fight she'd put up with me for it. Even if she's horrible at money, and horrible at finances, and has no credit to even own a place, and whatever, its not my problem once I move. And at least I won't be tied down here or her anymore. 3 years until d-day with that. Doing everything I can to make as many books as possible before then.

In light of economic situations world wide Arbor and I have been having serious talks about no kids, he's even willing to get snipped. Pretty happy about this because then I can finally stop using a copper coil. Maybe my ME is even related to it? Got it put in 2011, got diagnosed with ME 2012....seems suspicious timing.

These are all small mercies. I grieve for the mothers and formula; and I cannot produce enough milk for any kids, I had big issues with this when I was younger. My first child threw up traditional milk / breast milk and had to be on soy. And my second my breast milk dried up too soon.

It happens sometimes, even with lactation specialists.

Anyways, I wish I could help those women more.

While at the same time being grateful I think I'm hitting peri menopause, and have a completely supportive partner. No period for 6 months now. 6 more and I can call it menopause for real. I'm seeing a doctor at the end of the month about it because I'm worried about my bone density and having the possible BARCA gene in family- should I even go on hormones? who knows.

This came out super depressing at the end but it really isn't. I'm happy. I'm healthy-ish. I have great people in my life now, and I'm rebuilding in a healthy way. Most importantly I am mentally stable and on the right meds and taking care of all my physical/mental needs FIRST then dealing with the rest. AND I'm letting go of the deep buried guilt and shame.

 

[starlight1]

This last week has been tough. The roe vs wade turn around and so many shifts and changes going on.
But first the story that happened up till now.
Three days before Arbor came out my grandma was admitted into hospital. She had two major infections (e.coli and valley fever) on top of her cancer. We didn't think she was going to make it. Arbor was already on the road, and so instead of canceling the trip, we decided to alter it some. We canceled the bnb, and our first "date" plus meeting was for lunch then going to see my grandma in the hospital.
If that wasn't wild and weird enough, The same time my brother hit rough times with his roommate moving out on him, and so I offered and idea, he needed money for his rent for June, and I needed a vacation, arbor and I decided to stay a few days with my family and make sure grandma was ok, and extend his trip to go to Utah and do Arborist work there freelance while we "paid" my brother so he could get by.
Man that trip was fun! Arborist found some great connections for his work, my brother and I reconnected, and we went to the zoo, a bird aviary, a few outdoor places and stopping into the grand canyon!
All this stress really showed me what kind of man he is. He has been gentle, kind, patient, and completely devoted to me and this relationship long term. He's a really hard worker, and can do just about any diy thing. On our way back to Arizona to drop me off, my mum asked if he could stay awhile and she'd pay him to do the porch outside in cement pavers.
This is where things started to unravel, my family got along with with him great, he worked hard every day for 5 days to do the entire back yard in pavers, there's two porches and a walkway done.
Once gradnma was discharged from the hospital, and recovered, she was too ill to stay with just me, because of my illness but also because I still had Arbor here helping, so we moved grandma in with my mum and dad.
So he was running low on money because of the trip, and didn't have access to his savings while on the trip, so he started to look for work around here, day stuff he could do while doing the pavers. He couldn't rely on my mum because he gave my mum a discount of 10 an hour instead of his normal rate of 22 - 25 an hour.
But we didn't get to implement that plan because he was urgently needed back to his home town for family reasons too and being the big heart that he is we rolled with the punches together.
My brother and him had built up a rapport and my brother suggested donating plasma one day to get extra gas money to go back. Unfortunately you have to have an address in the state you donate, so I suggested, hey, you need money to get back to your place, why don't I sign you up to a 30 day lease here just so you can get the plasma stuff. I also signed up to donate but they rejected me because of my illness. Which was sad but expected.
Anyways, I told my mum what I was going to do, and she was initially fine with it, for her to only come back and shout at Arbor, start a massive row, and cause so much drama. Poor arbor didn't even raise his voice, he was having SEVERE anxiety/ptsd trigger because of my mother, and basically was white as a sheet. Guy is a big dude, 6'3" and yet, he sunk into the sofa as if he were a small boy seeing a monster. It made me so angry that I stood up and ordered her out of the house until she calmed down. The argument was over the title of the place, the deed of the house is in my name, and she freaked out that I was letting this guy onto the property even though he had bent over backwards helping everyone in my family and everyone really liked him. My mom was wanting me to sign over the property to her immediately??? Even though that's not even possible. We have a loan on the place and it would make the 3 years left on the loan pays due in full right then.
So my mum was a total jerk and started this argument on the day arbor was leaving and after calling us all the names under the sun ordered arbor to never to return. As if we were 5 year olds.
Arbor left, and then I started freaking out. I Was really worried. Some of things my mum threatened was taking me to court, starting a smear campaign with the family, basically all the crazy grandious narcissistic things that could happen. So I called up my friend Leona who happenes to be a real estate agent and she was the one who told me that I couldn't sign a release giving it to them because of the loan. She also said I was well within my rights to sell the place, pay off the rest of the loan, and leave. I thanked her for her calming energy and levelheadedness. She understood and agreed with my situation that it was really crazy, Arbor wasn't staying there for free the rent agreement was for 600 amonth. The total amount in bills here is only 1500 a month (including mortgage and other bills) so for him to pay that much was more than fair. And that wasn't including *my amount* I agree to pay, or the 500 a month my mother was taking off my grandma each month to make the bills.
But yes, Lets blame the *disabled adult daughter* who has done the work emotionally to get better in the past year, has great support system and relationship now, and has spent the last 4 years caring for grandma. Yes lets make her the bad guy here.

So, my brother and my daughter both sent me text messageso f what my mother was saying, calling me names, saying i was crazy, saying she was going to get me committed. I rolled my eyes and called hte bluff and went to bed locking the doors.
Only I forgot, I don't have the master key.
I woke up yesterday to all these weird sounds. I thought as first a burglar or something was happening and it scared thee shit out of me so I Called the cops. Only to find out my mother had come in cleared out my *enitre front of my tiny cottage* ok some of that stuff was definitely grandmas, but grandma had also given me some things and some of it was mine, like food, etc. The couch was gone, the chairs, gone, the pantry gone, the air frier gone, (she even already has an air fryer so most this stuff she was taking was just petty.)
The police come by and i explain the situation, I also explain how she has my mail and my deed/title locked up in her safe. He gets from her tells her shes not allowed in my house with out my permission. I write a hasty note on my glass door "No tresspassing", and thank the sherrif. The humiliation I felt, and the look of pity he gave me. Seriously.

Part of the reason I lost my kids was because this woman but i tried to bury the hatchet for my grandma so she could be cared for. Now i'm doing better, i've pulled myself up out of literal hell inside my mind, I have very little money to my name, i'm barely getting my feet off the ground with my business, and she is threatening me with court again. I have no car, I cannot work outside of what i have been doing, my only choice now to is to sell.

She sent me a long email saying all the stuff she wants from this house and how she's taking me to court and that if she goes down I go down with her.

I don't understand why she is doing this but I do know that I can't take it anymore. And I won't.
I am selling and washing my hands of her. I am going to use the money to pay off the rest of the loan, pay back my brother who put 10k into the house (which my mother never told me about), and then buy a tiny home, and travel with Arbor as he works in different places cutting down trees.
The rest will go in savings and to Shooting Star and Rosebud as the useless parent I was for half their life. And as far as any guilt over taking my mothers money? Well she's incurred serious emotional and practical damages to me during my adult life. If this were a car crash we could say she was the car crash I keep running into until now. No more. I am done being her black sheep, limp noodle, door mat. I do not deserve to be treated this way. I also cannot fix, cure or change her, and she is always, always going to hate me. The look she gave me when the police came by will stay with me for the rest of my life. No mother should look at a child that way. And no child should EVER have to call the cops on their parent.
Not to mention now that I had the police over I am not longer allowed next door to see grandma in what could very well be the final weeks of her life. I will never forgive her for that. I want to go over there and visit but I know I am not welcome and grandma can't physically leave. We both have been crying over the loss of each other.

 

[starlight1]

So just so I dont forget I need to write down what my mother has done the last few weeks, months and years. It's important to me because I'm an over-forgiving person. And if I forgive then I move on and let it go, and I rarely think about it. I like my life to be peaceful.
These are in no particular order.
1) Told lies to my daughters about me so they hate me.
2) Told lies to my siblings about me so they hate me.
3) Gaslit me many many many times in many conversations. I still hear her voice in my head going "You're just too sensitive" "You don't ever remember anything correctly." "Your a mentally unwell person." "You are a liar". "Your trauma doesn't matter or isn't real." "What you think/remember isn't real". All these are things she has said.
4)taken money off my brother 10k, and my grandma 500 a month to pay her own bills when she could afford them herself by playing the "pity poor me."
5) reported me to social services in england. backed my ex abusive husband in court and behind my back, then lied when confronted with actual documented proof- saying that she wasnt in contact with my ex and she was "hacked". (RIGHT! She was hacked OK...)
6) tried to take custody mutiple times of my kids which is why I've never lived with her except once when my kids were little, and went back to england and my abuser who tried to kill me than her!
7) manipulated me into a contract with this house when I was in a VERY emotionally vulnerable place by saying it would be "all of ours" or "half mine and half my brothers" "Or I could put it in my oldest child name when she is an adult" etc. I was so bought into her belief system that I spent 3.5 years believing I had no power despite the face this place has *always* been in my name alone.
8) manipulated me to come back to america in 2010 because she said she was dying (a lie) which I found out later.
9) has spent years since my childhood treating me in two different ways; one like I am an extension of her in public, that i must act, look, weigh and be acertain way, and she will "dote on me", OR dismissing me and being angry cruel, lashing out physically and verbally in private. All of which I've never been able to document before Arbor. Arbor is the first person who has seen it happen to me.
10) Spends a lot of time triangulating relationships around me.
11) sabotoged my friends circle back in 2016/17 when I had the one friend who sewed and needed a part time job. She refused to pay her and all my friends circle stopped trusting me because of her. I lost a lot of friends back then because of that.
12) Came into my house and stole stuff.
13) Physically tried to deny me medical care by stealing my phone when my ankle was broken. She stood over my bed laughing at how weak I was and that she thought I was pathethic.
14) Told me my sexual abuse wasn't real and even if it did happen that it didnt matter as much as her dad leaving her at 5.

I can't stomach writing any more. My mother is an abuser.

 

[starlight1]

I sold my home. And I'm buying a tiny home in August. Looking at repo homes for me and arbor long term.