Lonely Holidays, poly style

Kynde

Kynde

Active member
Anyone else find the holidays difficult? Thanksgiving is going to be difficult and lonely for me this year.
I love my chosen family but I won't be with any of them.

Partner A is spending Thanksgiving with his wife, recreating their honeymoon weekend.
Partner B is spending Thanksgiving with his parents and sister. They don't know about his poly lifestyle, or that I exist.
Partner C is inviting his two long term partners (they are a throuple) to dinner along with his own parents and his children. I am too new to be invited, and I kinda agree with this, but it still sucks.
Partner D lives in another country and we are virtual, and he doesn't celebrate American Thanksgiving in any case.

And . . .
My family of origin is all gone now. They were very toxic anyway.
My adult children, who live out of state, are each spending Thanksgiving with their partners' families. Which I am happy about even as I will miss them.
My young child is spending Thanksgiving with her father, my ex.

So, I decided I'm going to put on my big girl panties, stuff some Kleenex in my pocket and sign up to work Thanksgiving. I'll get paid time and a half, and work will keep me too busy to think about it too much. Because if I stay home alone it will be a lot worse.L
 
Maybe it's time to create a nest where you host the holidays with household members. As I age, pretty much knowing that we will be together on Xmas Day, wherever we do it, provides comfort and reassurance that wasn't as important to me when I was younger.

Having friends and stuff who I can share Xmas with if my partner(s) did decide to something else is also a great comfort.

I settled down for that type of lifestyle. Solo poly, where I am not part of a family unit in the way that I am now, became less attractive for me as I slowed down. I am now in the most traditional-looking relationships that I've ever had.
 
I'm glad my country only actually cares about Christmas as a family holiday. And even then, solo styles still suit me. I just get mildly annoyed I can't buy most things that day so have to plan ahead.

On Christmas, I'll visit my folks for a few hours (trust me, that will be enough). I don't have kids and Adam is working so even if I was staying up there I'd be alone.

Puck is out of State for Christmas at his in-laws, and Nevyn and wife are in the other Island with his adult son and family.

So it's really just another "Sunday" for me even though it's a Wednesday.

My job means I'm not working at that time of year anyway. When I did I was far more invested in the actual holiday days and despised working Christmas eve. But I'll be through the recovery period of the summer holidays (teachers know) and fully relaxed. Honestly, the only thing that would spoil it is bad weather, because I live a walk from the beach and would like to spend more time in the water this year.

Sure, it's only the last few years I haven't truly given a shit about Christmas, but now I don't and it's actually just a mild inconvenience, I don't feel lonely or any other kind of angst about it.
 
Hi Kynde,

Luckily I'm not a holiday type of guy, I like holidays for the food but that's about it. On the other hand, I do have two live-in companions, so I don't have to be alone on the holidays. I must count my blessings.

You are probably smart to work on Thanksgiving. If you have to be alone anyway, you might as well make some extra money for it. It sounds like the stars have aligned against you this Thanksgiving. I'm sorry that's happening.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Kynde said:
Anyone else find the holidays difficult? Thanksgiving is going to be difficult and lonely for me this year.
I love my chosen family but I won't be with any of them.

Partner A is spending Thanksgiving with his wife, recreating their honeymoon weekend.
Partner B is spending Thanksgiving with his parents and sister. They don't know about his poly lifestyle, or that I exist.
Partner C is inviting his two long term partners (they are a throuple) to dinner along with his own parents and his children. I am too new to be invited, and I kinda agree with this, but it still sucks.
Partner D lives in another country and we are virtual, and he doesn't celebrate American Thanksgiving in any case.

And . . .
My family of origin is all gone now. They were very toxic anyway.
My adult children, who live out of state, are each spending Thanksgiving with their partners' families. Which I am happy about even as I will miss them.
My young child is spending Thanksgiving with her father, my ex.

So, I decided I'm going to put on my big girl panties, stuff some Kleenex in my pocket and sign up to work Thanksgiving. I'll get paid time and a half, and work will keep me too busy to think about it too much. Because if I stay home alone it will be a lot worse.L
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I'm sorry your new partners are all too new to spend the holidays with. Maybe next year it will be better. :)

And if your blood family is toxic, good riddance. Do you have any platonic friends who would open their table to you? I mean, it's great to get overtime pay to work, too. Some people enjoy volunteering to serve a Thanksgiving meal to people in need. Volunteering can really feed one's heart.

But personally, my chosen family (my two long-term partners, my gf's partner, my son, my daughter, and 3-5 platonic friends) all do a Friendsgiving on the weekend before Thanksgiving. We started this tradition about 10 years ago. Back then it was just Pixi and me, my son and one friend. It's grown a lot! :) Then on the actual Thanksgiving, Pixi is free to go to her bf's uncle's place, my kids go see their dad, my bf celebrates with his mom's fam (I'm invited, but I don't really enjoy it... I've tried), a friend goes to see other friends in Vermont, etc.

Meanwhile, I watch the Thanksgiving Day parade by myself, my own personal tradition, which I love, and just have a nice "me time" day.

A similar thing happens during the December holiday. Pixi and I are Pagans, anyway, so we celebrate Yule on the 21st with a fire, a ritual, music, a few gifts, and a feast, inviting whoever happens to be free. Then she goes again to her bf's place for actual Xmas, and so on...

When you're poly, you can be surprisingly "alone" when you don't expect to be! So you gotta make back-up plans.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm sorry your new partners are all too new to spend the holidays with. Maybe next year it will be better. :)

And if your blood family is toxic, good riddance. Do you have any platonic friends who would open their table to you? I mean, it's great to get overtime pay to work, too. Some people enjoy volunteering to serve a Thanksgiving meal to people in need. Volunteering can really feed one's heart.

But personally, my chosen family (my two long-term partners, my gf's partner, my son, my daughter, and 3-5 platonic friends) all do a Friendsgiving on the weekend before Thanksgiving. We started this tradition about 10 years ago. Back then it was just Pixi and me, my son and one friend. It's grown a lot! :) Then on the actual Thanksgiving, Pixi is free to go to her bf's uncle's place, my kids go see their dad, my bf celebrates with his mom's fam (I'm invited, but I don't really enjoy it... I've tried), a friend goes to see other friends in Vermont, etc.

Meanwhile, I watch the Thanksgiving Day parade by myself, my own personal tradition, which I love, and just have a nice "me time" day.

A similar thing happens during the December holiday. Pixi and I are Pagans, anyway, so we celebrate Yule on the 21st with a fire, a ritual, music, a few gifts, and a feast, inviting whoever happens to be free. Then she goes again to her bf's place for actual Xmas, and so on...

When you're poly, you can be surprisingly "alone" when you don't expect to be! So you gotta make back-up plans.
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I think that's a great idea to have a separate Friendsgiving on a different day than the holiday.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Kynde,

Luckily I'm not a holiday type of guy, I like holidays for the food but that's about it. On the other hand, I do have two live-in companions, so I don't have to be alone on the holidays. I must count my blessings.

You are probably smart to work on Thanksgiving. If you have to be alone anyway, you might as well make some extra money for it. It sounds like the stars have aligned against you this Thanksgiving. I'm sorry that's happening.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
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You always have kind things to say Kevin. Thank you
 
No problem, glad if I could help.
 
Guess what? I am invited to Thanksgiving with Ned! Along with his two other partners and his family. :) Yay!
 
Kynde said:
Guess what? I am invited to Thanksgiving with Ned! Along with his two other partners and his family. :) Yay!
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Yay!
 
I'm always annoyed with Christmas. Some of it comes down to the friction I carry from my childhood, but the poly-part is, I just don't want to do joint preparation and spend Chrismas Eve with Meta - style too different, communication too different. I very much prefer to go see my own parents and brother, but then I'm missing my own celebration with Idealist. I've tried creating our own a day earlier, but then it's two holiday dinners two days in a row :), so somehow it doesn't solve all the problems.
 
We always had Christmas Eve with Mum's side (finger food stuff mostly) and then Christmas Day with Dad's side (roast middle of the day English dinner) then leftovers for the rest of the afternoon/evening to nibble on. It was rather silly having a midday roast dinner in the middle of summer, but Brits will Brit anywhere in the world.

ETA: this wasn't because of divorce, this was because Mum and Dad's families didn't want to interact.
 
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I grew up a child of divorce and remarriage so Christmas was busy. Christmas Eve with dads side. Christmas morning with mom step dad and step brother. Then at 9 we headed to step family for breakfast and Xmas day then about 2pm we transferred to moms family for dinner. I have no issues working out holidays now that it's just me and 2 partners. This year LPs family is visiting and I'll host them plus both partners for Xmas dinner. We will probably hit the beach Xmas day....only in Hawaii.
 
Tinwen said:
I'm always annoyed with Christmas. Some of it comes down to the friction I carry from my childhood, but the poly-part is, I just don't want to do joint preparation and spend Chrismas Eve with Meta - style too different, communication too different. I very much prefer to go see my own parents and brother, but then I'm missing my own celebration with Idealist. I've tried creating our own a day earlier, but then it's two holiday dinners two days in a row :), so somehow it doesn't solve all the problems.
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I get that on a different level. I am a nurse and up until this year I've always either had to work Christmas or be on call. My kids have gotten used to celebrating either on the 24th or the 26th.
 
I use to run myself ragged trying to please everyone by dragging my family to multiple Christmas gatherings. No matter how hard I tried, someone was always upset. "Oh, your only here for the morning? You are having dinner with Cookie's family instead of us? Rude." "Oh, you're opening presents in the morning with Husk's family, and not coming here until dinner? Rude." As my kid's developmental delays became more and more difficult to deal with, if wasn't worth trying to make anyone happy anymore so I told everyone that I will be spending all holidays at home going forward. Everyone is welcome. There will be food and drink all day. Drop in and out as you please. This proved very unpopular with the family, and I haven't seen some of them since. Lots of friends drop in though, so it's a good trade. I like providing a place where anyone can come be a member of the family for a time. People appreciate that it is a judgment-free zone where we don't get upset if their kids aren't quiet and still - because no one is worse at being quiet and still than my kid.
 
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