Long days and pleasant nights.

[shy guy]

Hey all, so here's my introduction. I'm 45, my wife is 39. We've been together for a decade. We have had poly ideas intertwined throughout our relationship, but have only started really being honest about that the past few years. Now we are in this transition phase, or potentially, anyway, and finding a lot of questions.

We recently finished a great book called Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) and it has helped so much. But there are some things we still are struggling to grasp. We have a great relationship in all aspects, but I spend most of my days alone on a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and she spends most of her days in the city and making the commute. It hasn't always been this way, and we plan on it not always being this way, but for now, this is life.

Personally, I am extremely attracted to the right type of mind. I love intellect. I love literature and my hobby is most definitely writing. I will happily share, if asked.

We run a small local animal rescue as well as raise our own livestock and pets. A lot going on here. This is where I am 99% of the time. I leave for maybe a few hours a week to run to town, if at all.

My wife is an amazing woman and partner, she is also my Kitten. My wife has a large online presence and following and much of our sex life is already public in other forums.

Thank you all for reading. If you'd like to talk more, about anything, please reach out.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings shy guy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

We'll be happy to answer any questions you may have, just let us know what they are. It sounds like you've been on the poly trail for some time, but now it's starting to become very real for you. I'm glad you could join us, and hope we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!

 

[bampirevat]

Hi under this thread too!

Raising up your own animals and livestock seems lovely, I wish I were able to do it one day but low chances here

My partner is overworked and on the workaholic side, so even though we both work from home, I sometimes feel lonely, too. It's amazing and sad how universal some emotions are.

Bee x

 

[shy guy]

Hi under this thread too!

Raising up your own animals and livestock seems lovely, I wish I were able to do it one day but low chances here

My partner is overworked and on the workaholic side, so even though we both work from home, I sometimes feel lonely, too. It's amazing and sad how universal some emotions are.

Bee x

It is certainly rewarding but so much work. Really appreciate the response.

Is there anything you can identify specifically that triggers your feelings of lonliness?

 

[bampirevat]

It is certainly rewarding but so much work. Really appreciate the response.

Is there anything you can identify specifically that triggers your feelings of lonliness?

Just lack of time dedicated specifically to me and not enough attention. Spending time with me out of convenience (e.g. watching Netflix while eating dinner) is not enough.

 

[Bobbi]

Just lack of time dedicated specifically to me and not enough attention. Spending time with me out of convenience (e.g. watching Netflix while eating dinner) is not enough.

Quality time is so important. Some people don't understand that quality time isn't just time spent together. You can feel very alone surrounded by people. The one on one intimate connection and conversation is essential.

 

[shy guy]

Absolutely. Appreciate your response. You are absolutely right. My situation is a bit unique. Imagine being back in the 1800s living on a farm. That's my life for the most part, which I enjoy every aspect of but being alone all day. It gets hard. Thing after thing goes wrong, which I don't want to lay all on her because she's dealing with her own problems at work. She drives 4 hours a day to work. Her life isn't easy either. The hope is this will all come together in the near future and we can readjust some of the imbalances.

 

[shy guy]

Just lack of time dedicated specifically to me and not enough attention. Spending time with me out of convenience (e.g. watching Netflix while eating dinner) is not enough.

Do they have enough time and give you little or is it both a lack of available time and a lack of direct attention to the relationship or you?

 

[bampirevat]

Do they have enough time and give you little or is it both a lack of available time and a lack of direct attention to the relationship or you?

He's overworks himself willingly and works almost twice as much as he is supposed to according to his contract (he doesn't get paid more for that) so even if he has "free time", he chooses to get back to work. I know it's investing in our future etc. but it's painful regardless. I've talked to him about it multiple times already but the topic keeps coming back. It's supposed to be temporary but it's been over a year and it just gets worse. I feel like my needs are completely neglected. He's an amazing partner in every aspect aside from this one but I am more of a "here and now" girl and currently, I have nobody to fulfill my need for intimacy.

Edited for clarity.

 

[shy guy]

He's overworks himself willingly and works almost twice as much as he is supposed to according to his contract (he doesn't get paid more for that) so even if he has "free time", he chooses to get back to work. I know it's investing in our future etc. but it's painful regardless. I've talked to him about it multiple times already but the topic keeps coming back. It's supposed to be temporary but it's been over a year and it just gets worse. I feel like my needs are completely neglected. He's an amazing partner in every aspect aside from this one but I am more of a "here and now" girl and here and now, I am needy and nobody to fulfill those needs.

So I'm this guy, or was. Not so much anymore. I've often been guilty of a hyper-focused work ethic. I've luckily grown to see money differently over the years and actually bailed from the corporate ladder completely. Point is, I see both perspectives.

So, I'm curious, do you ever try physical-only interaction? Sometimes as a guy, there is so much burden in one's head and heart that it kinda bleeds into everything else. So it makes talking not really an ideal pastime with someone you care for, because there's a lot of negative thoughts simply from the constant pushing along of life. That burden never really goes away entirely. Having physical-only time helps me show my wife I care for her, her for me, without using words at all. This could look differently for you but for us, I'm brushing her hair, scratching her head, massage, light caressing, this often leads to a blowjob, sometimes sex. But sometimes we just kinda wrap up or even start to fall asleep. It's been a great tool for us. Maybe it would help you, too.

 

[bampirevat]

So I'm this guy, or was, not so much anymore. I've often been guilty of a hyper focused work ethic. I've luckily grown to see money differently over the years and actually bailed from the corporate ladder completely. Point is, I see both perspectives.

So, I'm curious, do you ever try physical-only interaction? Sometimes as a guy, there is so much burden in one's head and heart that it kinda bleeds into everything else. So it makes talking not really an ideal pastime with someone you care for because there's a lot of negative thoughts simply from the constant pushing along of life, that burden never really goes away entirely. Having physical-only time helps me show my wife I care for her, her for me, without using words at all. This could look differently for you, but for us, I'm brushing her hair, scratching her head, massage, light caressing, this often leads to a blowjob, sometimes sex. But sometimes we just kinda wrap up or even start to fall asleep. It's been a great tool for us. Maybe it would help you, too.

All the time. We are very touchy-feely with each other. Even right now he lays on my lap scrolling through his phone. But yeah, he chose scrolling over any type of spending time with me and that's just not enough for me to be fulfilled.

 

[Magdlyn]

All the time. We are very touchy-feely with each other. Even right now he lays on my lap scrolling through his phone. But yeah, he chose scrolling over any type of spending time with me and that's just not enough for me to be fulfilled.

So, he watches Netflix with you, looks at his phone while lying on you, but that's not focused attention. What specifically would you like? Dinners out, road trips, doing something like an escape room? Playing a board game or card game? Actual dates, in other words? Maybe if you set up a regular date night once a week, where you required his focused attention, and requested he not do his work (unpaid as it is) and actually acted like a partner/friend/lover, and not just a warm body, you'd feel better. I think you could make specific requests and plan those dates.

 

[shy guy]

All the time. We are very touchy-feely with each other. Even right now he lays on my lap scrolling through his phone. But yeah, he chose scrolling over any type of spending time with me and that's just not enough for me to be fulfilled.

That's not exactly focused, though. Showing affection out of comfortability isn't the same as taking time to feel your partner's features and make them feel your love. It does sound like he is spending time with you though, just not in the capacity you desire. If you were to ask him directly for something right now, say, to rub your hand or your thigh or something, don't you think he'd do it?

 

[shy guy]

So, he watches Netflix with you, looks at his phone while lying on you, but that's not focused attention. What specifically would you like? Dinners out, road trips, doing something like an escape room? Playing a board game or card game? Actual dates, in other words? Maybe if you set up a regular date night once a week, where you required his focused attention, and requested he not do his work (unpaid as it is) and actually acted like a partner/friend/lover, and not just a warm body, you'd feel better. I think you could make specific requests and plan those dates.

I think a once a week thing, even short, would be a great place to start. Some music, no screens, sounds like a path to success, great advice.

 

[bampirevat]

Maybe if you set up a regular date night once a week, where you required his focused attention, and requested he not do his work (unpaid as it is) and actually acted like a partner/friend/lover, and not just a warm body, you'd feel better. I think you could make specific requests and plan those dates.

We've actually been doing that for quite some time and it's great! However, there is still so much love in me that I don't know what to do with and I need so much attention that it basically brought me on the path of self-discovery and thinking that I might be poly. While self-discovery is always hard in one way or another, it's also a net positive so there are good things resulting from the situation.

 

[bampirevat]

If you were to ask him directly for something right now, say to rub your hand or your thigh or something, doesn't you think he'd do it?

I am certain he would. I never looked at it like that, I think I am straightforward with communicating my needs but maybe sometimes saying it bluntly like that could be the solution. Thank you for that perspective.