Long distance love

redpepper

New member
RP, that pretty much sums up my take as well - it feels like such an important dimension is (or several dimensions are) missing when I can't physically be with someone.

I really struggle with the "online only"-type thing. Heck, even the "online mostly" thing.... so I have pretty much given up trying.

*meh* I don't have to try. I am fortunate to have everything I could possibly need right here :D I am very blessed... :)

good to see you back Ceil :) *hugs*
 

CielDuMatin

New member
*meh* I don't have to try. I am fortunate to have everything I could possibly need right here :D I am very blessed... :)
Well, I can't say that I am actively seeking, either, for the same reason - I was more referring to in general.

good to see you back Ceil :) *hugs*
It's good to be back for a while, at least :)

*hugs*
 

FormerUnicorn

New member
I dated a guy who lived on another continent from me for two and a half years. We talked on the phone once a week or so, and I would fly to see him for two weeks every two months or so. It worked well for us at the time.

I've had some 18 month+ online only LDRs that have been absolutely and completely worth it for me, people it was impractical to meet... and who agreed that we would not be able to mesh in person, or for the long haul. Yet we connected in a way that we decided to honor to the best of our abilities. Some of those experiences touched me in such personal ways that I suspect a physical relationship would have eclipsed. In my book these sorts of things are not a substitute for a flesh and blood connection... it's something completely different that has no less capacity for sweetness and depth of feeling.

I'm currently talking to a woman from another country who I desperately wish was local... but she's not. I wish I could play a bigger part in her life, but the bottom line is that I just can't. But I still treasure what I can share with her. Just hearing from her, or letting her know I'm thinking of her... those little messages back and forth can make my whole day sunny again, can make me smile for hours. Do I wish I could be present? Absolutely. Does that mean I want to give up what I have now? No.

Again, I simply hope to honor that connection the best way I know how.
 

polyt

New member
Long Distance

So I posted on here a long time ago about a couple I sort of began to see. Since then, I dumped my boyfriend. Became the official girlfriend of this couple. And flew out to see them a week ago. We had an amazing time and we are all so incredibly happy. The terrible part is that they live so far away. It's really hard for us to deal with. I'm going to try to visit again as soon as I can but it's rather difficult. How do we deal with this? :confused:
 

Seeker90

New member
Hope this Helps

Try your very best to keep lines of communication open between all of you. They way there is some degree of normality. If you are comfortable texting, calling, emailing, facebook, or possibly skyping use those means to stay in touch.

I was/am in a lost distance thing from across the country. I live near Chicago and they live near San Francisco so media communication is how we talk. Skype works wonders when you have that desire to talk and see each other, but be careful not to just be sitting there waiting for them to sit down at a computer. That'll lead you to miss/waste your day and lead to resentment should plans change.

Just try your best to talk when possible, but also understand that things can and may come up that prevent constant flow for long periods of time. Also make sure to stay honest and deal with any issues or feelings when they first arise so that things don't stew and blow up down the line.

I hope that this helps you out. If you want further info or anything check my post on this forum "Help Need/First Loves/Advice Welcome" as I'm dealing with alot of the same problems/issues/worries you probably are.
 

polyt

New member
Well thanks for the advice. We skype almost every night. It's just hard because I can't move there yet. I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them. I love seeing and talking to them over video chat, but it's not the same as being there and holding them and everything. I guess it's really hard because I JUST left but gahh D:
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
Skype works wonders when you have that desire to talk and see each other, but be careful not to just be sitting there waiting for them to sit down at a computer. That'll lead you to miss/waste your day and lead to resentment should plans change.

Sage advice there. Skype lurking isn't really a great way to spend your time. I am trying to work a schedule right now to prevent that.

Just try your best to talk when possible, but also understand that things can and may come up that prevent constant flow for long periods of time. Also make sure to stay honest and deal with any issues or feelings when they first arise so that things don't stew and blow up down the line.

Hear hear! With long-distance, if they don't text/call/write/whatever for an x amount of time, n number of possible reasons crop up in your head as to why's that. From 'OMG they are dead lying in a ditch somewhere' to 'They've found somebody else and don't want me anymore'. If you have a lot of issues with insecurity/past disappointments in relationships LDR can be toxic.

It's just hard because I can't move there yet. I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them.

How are you dealing with your depression atm? How actively are you pursuing this moving there-plan and what kind of schedule do you guys have? How long have you been together, how out are etc? I just have an immediate knee-jerk reaction when somebody is newly triaded and says they are going to move to be together. That's just a whole different can of big squirming worms right there that should not be opened while still reeling with NRE IMHO.
 

redpepper

New member
There other threads on ldr's here if you want to check them out. A tag search should bring them up. Maybe there is something useful on them
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Long distance is hard and polyamory isn't easy. Combined isn't made any easier. I am not confident I could do it as a primary, let alone with a couple that are already their own primaries.

You are in quite a difficult pickle and the only thing you can do is realize the situation and learn to enjoy it. You skype every night, probably communicate often etc. You are probably ahead of the game over most ld's. Not all of them have those luxuries.

After any visit, you should now recognize the downturn. Find something in those days to occupy yourself. Hit the gym, have bike rides planned, anything to get you over that hump.

Try and setup your next visit, as soon as possible, after the previous one. This gives you something to look forward to instead of waiting around waiting for the next time you might see them.

Schedule dates. Not just regular chats, but something special. Maybe like a regular date night, on a friday or saturday and use the world of the internet to watch TV with them or something. Lots of methods for screen sharing that would bring you into their home. Being a real date might make it feel more special. Hell even just throw in a DVD you can rent at the same time etc. You get the idea haha

Long distance relationships require an inner strength and a relationship strength that isn't really matched when you have someone physically around all the time. You have to find solace in that fact, and revel in the rewards a long distance relationship will create for you. With a strong loving relationship and everything else, LD's are amazing and rewarding.

Instead of focusing on the lack of touch :)

I won't touch on the depression. Thats a can of worms. All of the potential ups and downs of an LD will really throw your depression in circles. I hope you can get that figured out because minus the depression can make the positives of an LD that much more bright. :)
 

opalescent

Active member
Post visit withdrawal

I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them.

Be very careful of the withdrawal after you return home from a visit. I recently visited Beloved and had a very difficult week emotionally when I returned home. This has happened after every visit. I now know that after a visit, I will be profoundly down for a while.

Since depression is a concern, be especially aware of this and try to have something to look forward to when you get home, have your support system ready to go and so on.

That said, people often ask me how Beloved and I 'do it'. I always tell them that it is infinitely better than the alternative!
 

polyt

New member
How are you dealing with your depression atm? How actively are you pursuing this moving there-plan and what kind of schedule do you guys have? How long have you been together, how out are etc? I just have an immediate knee-jerk reaction when somebody is newly triaded and says they are going to move to be together. That's just a whole different can of big squirming worms right there that should not be opened while still reeling with NRE IMHO.

Depression is kind of shitty right now. I'm on anti-depressants but I'm still depressed I just dont care enough to try and do anything about it. Like, I'm not suicidal or self-harming. But I also don't care about anything else.

We're very set on moving in together. I've known them for about a year and we've always sort of been fooling around/hooking up/flirting when we see each other or online. But we've been official for a couple months. Just about all of their friends know. They all just met me on my visit there and we all enjoy each other. And some of their family know, but not a lot.
 

opalescent

Active member
meds

Depression is kind of shitty right now. I'm on anti-depressants but I'm still depressed I just dont care enough to try and do anything about it. Like, I'm not suicidal or self-harming. But I also don't care about anything else.

Beloved is bipolar and I've had some run-ins with depression - never suicidal but completely flat emotionally, didn't care about anything - in fact was too depressed to care that I didn't care.

It sounds like your meds are not adjusted right. You might need different doses, different medications, different combinations. This takes time and there are often miserable side effects to deal with. Still, I encourage you to work with your doctor to change your medications. The you a few months from now will thank the current you as will your loved ones, including your couple.

Oh, and whatever you do - do NOT stop taking the meds all at once. I did that with Paxil and it made me damn near homicidal.
 

polyt

New member
Yeah, I understand that. It's just so hard to be away from them at the same time all of this is happening. I'm going to try and visit next month if I can get money for the bus for the weekend. That'll hopefully hold me off until early July?
I know I need to get my medication fixed and I see my therapist on Saturday. I'm on a form of Celexa right now and she told me if Celexa didn't work that we would try Paxil. I just want to be okay. And with them ):
 

BlackUnicorn

New member
Long distance is hard and polyamory isn't easy. Combined isn't made any easier. I am not confident I could do it as a primary, let alone with a couple that are already their own primaries.

Just wanted to agree :). I was in a mono LDR and couldn't do it (for the record, I can do mono but not in a long-distance/poly setting). In my current LDR I told from the get go that I need a romantic primary of my own. Exploring this tree I find myself in has only made me even stronger in that conviction.

I don't know if that is a possessive impulse that in most people manifests as jealousy over their primary partner, or if I have mono wiring left in my brain. But I could never be only the secondary. I know I would become needy and possessive and bitter without a primary of my own to whom I am also a primary.

Sorry, in a hijacky mood today.
 

Morningglory629

New member
Long distance is hard and polyamory isn't easy. Combined isn't made any easier.

After any visit, you should now recognize the downturn. Find something in those days to occupy yourself. Hit the gym, have bike rides planned, anything to get you over that hump.

Try and setup your next visit, as soon as possible, after the previous one. This gives you something to look forward to instead of waiting around waiting for the next time you might see them.

Very positive outlooks/suggestions here Mr!

I think in any relationship where time balance is an issue could use this advice. I know when I go 4 days...hell when I go 2 days without seeing 2Rings I get angsty, so staying busy and ohysically doing something is key!:)
 

PolyInNJ

New member
I am in a long distance situation right now, so I feel your pain. By the same token, I know that I am luckier than most, because I am "only" a four hour drive away, and do get to see my guy semi-regularly. I do not have a primary partner. He has a wonderful wife who has welcomed me as part of the family. I am not bi, so this is a relationship that is solely with him, and nothing but sister love for his wife.

We try to see each other once a month - but that is in an ideal world. Barring that, things that have helped us:

* Communication in some form, at least once a day - to check in and make sure each other is okay. Ideally, we like to skype, but if not that, then a phone call -- or even text messages that just say we are thinking of the other person.

* Trying our best to set up our "next time" soon after our visit is over. Both of us are squirrelly about goodbyes - he gets squirrelly when it's actually happening, and I get squirrelly when I get home and back to my empty apartment. So setting up and having in mind another time we can get together is key, for me, to have something to look forward to and not dwell on the fact that I am not with him at the time.

For us - there are no immediate plans to move closer. So far, this as been working for us, about six months in.

Best of luck to you -- LDRs are never easy, but they can work, especially if you have plans for visits on the horizon.
 

Erato

New member
Hi Polyt,

I'm in a long distance relationship and have been since February 2009. I haven't read all the other posts but I agree with what someone mentioned about using technology to keep in touch an various ways. I'm in a long-long distance relationship - he lives in the US and I live in New Zealand - so we've only had 3 weeks together so far.

What you said about it being hard to be long distance with your lovers and also being depressed at once prompted me to comment (rather than just lurk) because I've been there and my partner has/is too. I visited him August-September 2010 then his mother died unexpectedly in January 2011. She was his main support person for his *takes a deep breath* Asperger's syndrome, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, various phobias, insomnia and agoraphobia.

But we pulled through the hellish period of the first few months of this year and we're now engaged to be married with tickets to visit each other - he's coming here for the first time and staying for a few months - as well as moving in together.

Anyway, my point is that it took a lot of hard work but we did (and still do) best when we took care of ourselves. I bet it would help your lovers to know that you were taking care of yourself and managing your medication with your doctor closely to adjust it to help you like it's supposed to. In my experience, and what I've heard/read, good diet and exercise can help depression too. (Though you likely don't need telling that, since you live with it.)

So far as making long distance hurt less goes, well, I have various things I do from leaving him emails to wake up to (because of time difference), I've sent him a couple of locks of my hair over the years (he likes the scent of it), texts, video chat, phone conversations, Instant messengers and hand-written letters just telling him how I feel about him and silly poems.

The main thing that I find helps a lot is having a date set for the next visit. Even when I couldn't afford to buy tickets yet, setting a goal really helped me to focus and to get through what I need to get through rather than mope and feel like this would never end.

I wish you all the best with your plans to move and the challenge treating your mental health.

<3
Erato
 

polyt

New member
Thank you all for your posts. It helps to know that other people go through similar situations. I'm still trying to deal with it but it's a lot easier now that I didn't JUST leave.
Beware a big post when I find the day I'm moving there. I'm gonna be freaking out like no other.
 

happy4her

New member
Making long distance poly relationships work

We have a question for everyone on making long distance poly relationships work. It has been a while since I have posted, for a reminder of our situation you can read here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7809

Update: My wife and her "girlfriend" have been emailing a lot for the past couple months. We are all taking a road trip to meet in the middle next weekend. They are both very excited to get back together again. My wife is very confused and concerned about what kind of future they could have. In a two person long distance relationship it is easier to maintain with a hope that you may someday be moving together. Her girlfriend is married, with children, and a life in her town. While we are very established here. They obviously have a very strong bond, but my wife can't bear the thought of only getting to see her a few time a year. She is looking forward to the weekend together so that they can talk and figure out where to go from here, but I fear that she may give up too early because of not having a clear vision of their future together.

I have tried to coach her to just take it one thing at a time, and we will all figure it out. She is doing her best to remain open minded and give it a chance. I would hate to see her in love and hurting because she is missing her girlfriend and does not get to see her very often. But I would also hate to see her just shut off the emotions and end it because she fears that pain.

I started this thread intending to ask if anyone has managed to maintain this kind of relationship, and had advice that they could discuss next weekend. In the end I think it really comes down to a personality type and being able to handle an open ended long distance relationship. My wife is very good at building up walls to shut out emotions and protect herself if she feels like she might get hurt. I am just trying to keep her from doing that so that I can stay inside, hold her hand, and help her through this exciting new journey.
 

SourGirl

Member
In the end I think it really comes down to a personality type and being able to handle an open ended long distance relationship.

Yes.

I don`t mind LDR at all. In fact, I prefer it.
However, I haven`t met very many people who can handle it. People always end up wanting more.
Don`t push your wife to handle more then she is able would be my advice. Its a fine line to walk ...between a gentle, helpful nudge, and a push. We all need gentle nudges here and there ( so dont think I am saying you are pushy ;), I`m not. )..which you seem to be applying.

The relationship will need to develop of its own merits, and will depend on two factors. #1- How well your wife is good at being flexible, and learning through life experiences. #2- How much her friend is wanting out of this in return.

If they are on different pages, it will be considerably harder.

Like other relationships,......it`s a gamble, it always is. :)

Good Luck.
 
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