Or alternatively that it's pointless to make any kinds of agreements with him as he doesn't seem to be able to act according to them anyways.
You could make the agreement with YOU. That you just don't have bareback sex period. With him or others.
Then whatever else they are doing with other people? You know with you at least, there's a condom on and you know because you can see it/help buy them, etc.
He's let you down plenty of times on that. For me it would have been a dealbreaker. But if you carry on with him? Maybe condoms on?
My friends tell me I should just leave Chad. Mandy tells me I should just leave Chad. Yet I feel there is still a lot of love between us, regardless. Barring the things I've written here, pretty much all other parts of our lives and values are very compatible, and we support each other in many aspects and keep learning to better communicate with each other, and be both feel like we're getting more out of our relationship than what it's taking from us.
So... y'all can't break up and dial it back to friends? Maybe that kind of relationship fits better. And is less disappointing for you.
Or just don't deal with him any more. Up to you.
Could stop bending into pretzels trying to keep a romantic relationship shape going if that no longer fits. Save the people instead.
I do also acknowledge that part of me is just so tired of this constant roller coaster surrounding this one issue, that I don't have much energy to actually leave and so I keep hoping things will get better and trying to work through stuff to make it better at least on my account.
IME, sometimes one must physically leave first. Then after that one can "leave" emotionally and mentally. So if you are waiting to be emotionally and mentally ready to leave first? You might not get there because of physical proximity. Always on the roller coaster. Up and down and up and down... stimulated and never just CALM.
Like... you can't heal your hand if you keep it on the hot burner. You have to take it off. Then it will heal.
But if you keep sticking around here even with broken agreements over and over rather than just saying up front "No, I'm done?"
What ARE the dealbreakers then? You are still sticking around. Keep buying more tickets for another ride.
Chad and I own a house together and I absolutely love the house and would hate to leave it. I cannot afford to buy him out, though, so most likely breaking up would mean we'd have to sell the house. Trying to find a new place to live, let alone the whole ordeal of moving feels completely overwhelmingly too much for me now.
Understandable. Even when not in pandemic, getting a flat, packing up to move out, and selling a house is a big job.
At the same time? "Too tired to sell my house" is not a reason to keep riding a roller coaster ride you dislike with a person who lets you down a lot.
What are you saying here? That you don't like yourself much, and even though you don't like this roller coaster and kinda feel like this relationship is at the end of the line you are in this space of ennui about it and won't take action til he does first? Cuz thinking about dating new people is a drag?I do think I may be afraid of not being good and desirable enough for anyone to actually want to be with me (Chad included), though. Me being somewhat socially awkward and anxious, the prospect of having to get to know someone new also feels like too much at the moment. So if we were to break up I wouldn't be seeking anyone new for the foreseeable future, or at least until I'd gotten myself back to a healthier mental place where I like to be with myself, and maybe not even then. As an asexual I don't feel sexual attraction to people, which I find makes dating harder as well, as in order to have sex with someone I'd have to know them pretty well. I do enjoy having sex, and sometimes crave for being the target of sexual desire myself. It's just the sexual attraction to other people that I don't have at all.
Could not date new people right now. And still get off the rollercoaster.
A friend of mine was going through divorce and he was in this paralysis place. The struggle to find two flats, sell the house, pack up to move, etc. Plus the relationship roller coaster they were on.
I reminded him his STBX could deal with finding her own flat. And he didn't have to pack up her stuff. He could just find his flat and pack his stuff. Selling the house they kinda had to do together. But he could detangle and not deal with her stuff.
Living in the same house with her was causing him a lot of emotional and mental pain. Once he got to his own flat, and he could have some CALM, the difference started showing. He wasn't ready to date right then, but he could enjoy having a calm home to himself.
Chad keeps on insisting that he wants to be with me, wants to make this work, wants to build a life together, wants me as his life long partner, and says that no-one's ever been this much on the same wave-length with him as I am. At the same time he's recently brought up more frequently if it would be easier for me if we weren't nesting partners, though I get the feeling it's not really me he thinks about, just that it'd be easier for him, not having to constantly deal and process and talk and soul-search etc. but when I ask him if that's what he wants he doesn't really know how to answer.
So is this like... Chad wants to be a free agent? And do whatever he wants whenever?
But still have you around to access the services you provide? Like he's not gonna take personal responsibility or do counseling so things get any better for YOU on your side of the deal. But he likes what he gets out of you on his side of the deal?
If so... Kinda sounds like keeping you in the string. Which might be great for him, but not so great for you.
Of course I'm seeing if there will be any changes due to my own detangling, and him obviously being more transparent and at ease with me. I've browsed the forums and this thread and gotten a lot of things to think about, and I'm very well keeping in mind the past and track record I've had with Chad, as well as the present moment as I'm evaluating where I want to go from here should the changes take a turn I'm not willing to have in my life.
Good that you are figuring out where you stand, what your personal standards/expectation of a partner are, and you figure out if Chad still makes the cut or not.