Polyamory
Okay, so my husband and I have been together since high school (with a small break in there), have been married since October 2007 with 4 kids. Our marriage has seen it all, cheating, family death, job loss, financial burdens, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, different parenting styles, you name it, we have faced it. Even though separation and divorce were faced many times, we always pulled through.
About 4 years ago, we were in one of our ruts of facing separation. I felt my needs weren't being met. I didn't feel seen or desired or heard, and I started to wonder, but fully, but enough that I knew where it was going.
I was working 2 jobs. I found myself interested in co-workers who were flirting with me. I liked it. It made me feel seen and wanted. I let it happen. I didn't flirt back, really, but I allowed it. I found myself starting to like them more than a friend, a girl specifically, who was full-on lesbian, but much younger than me.
In one of the many discussions my husband and I had, talking about separation, I told him that I found myself liking this girl friend of mine, and part of me wanted to try it out with her. We didn't know how it would go. He felt betrayed and confused. I was surely confused. I started to research into what I understood to be the polyamory lifestyle, and showed him it was normal for this to happen, that we can keep our marriage. He said he would give it a try.
Things were shaky for a while for him. He was super jealous and insecure and felt like he was losing me, even though my time with him and my focus on him hadn't shifted negatively, but more intensely (which made me very confused). He brought up her being both of ours, instead of just my partner, because it made him feel lonely to only have just me, while I had two partners. So we tried the throuple and it worked, for a little while. There were a lot of jealousy issues from us both, depending who she was being closer to. Ultimately she was closer to me, as she was fully lesbian and had never been with a male, or even attracted to one. They never really connected. So he left the group, and she was just my partner. He searched for his own girlfriend.
It took him a while to find a girl who was comfortable with the situation of a male who is married, but claiming to be in an open marriage, and it not be cheating. When he did find one, and started to spend time with her, and text with her, and receive spicy pictures, I found myself very jealous, even though I had my own girlfriend, in which it was no different. I became very confused on what that meant.
At this time, a year into this new lifestyle, mine and his communication was the best it had been in a while, so we talked a lot about our feelings, thoughts and expectations on this journey. I had told him that I found myself really jealous and panicking (like full-blown panic attack) when they went on a date, and that I felt we should call it quits on the lifestyle. But he was happy in it, after he got past his jealousy and insecurity, and didn't want to leave it.
While I was dating said girlfriend, she and I had our own issues, because her parents were super religious and would never be okay with her choices. This became an issue for me, constantly feeling like we were sneaking around and trying not to be seen by her parents while out of house. I started to lose feelings. I tried to break it off several times, but always drew back to it because I liked the attention she gave me that my husband wasn't.
During this time, my husband had went through a few girls, trying to find one that was a good fit. He had finally found one who was open to the thought of poly, our partner now.
I had left my girlfriend because it had become toxic. We argued a lot. I was unhappy. I found myself getting mean with her, so I left. I told my husband that I was done with poly and I wanted us to go back to just us. This tore him apart. He sat in his car crying because he didnt want to lose me and didn't want to let go of his girlfriend at the time (she hadn't become ours yet)...
After a lot of tears and a lot of talking, an ultimatum was made, I either accept he wants this lifestyle that I brought on to us, or I leave and let him live it. Weeks went by. I was jealous of him liking her and talking to her... I asked to meet her, because we had not met yet. She and I went and ate lunch and talked. I realized then that I could like her and this lifestyle could work.
Shortly after this meeting, she started to come over to the house, but I found myself super jealous and insecure about them being close, especially when I was at work, and he found himself jealous and angry when she and I were alone.
She moved in a month later, and has been with us ever since. But it has been a VERY difficult road.
Our jobs were all different in what times we were home. I was working early morning most days and a few closing shifts. My husband was working closing shifts. Cheyenne's was like mine, more open shifts and a few closing shifts.
I ended up hurting my back at work in April last year, and was out on workers comp and always home. Chey and Tim continued to work their normal shifts. Well, in May, Tim started a new position with his job (which he is still in) where he travels to different Lowes Stores, in different cities and states, and conducts audits. This position has him gone 4 to 5 days a week a lot.
Because of me being home from back injury and him traveling, I became super close with Cheyenne, and our relationship took off, whereas theirs didn't as much, partly because of the job, but also because of me and my emotions and being home all the time. They started to talk less, and only be intimate when it was all 3 of us. We had several conversations along the 16 months about this, because it is still an issue, and they still tiptoe around my emotions and blame me for their lack of intimacy.
So, here is the problems I see. In the beginning, I was super scared that he would leave me for her, because he was so distraught about letting her go when I told him I was done and he told me he wasn't giving up this lifestyle. So as things progressed with her, I continued to be scared of him leaving me, even though he would tell me over and over that he will never leave me. I continued to feel insecure that he was more attracted to her because she is skinnier and younger and they have a lot in common. So as I would express my fears and feelings, they would back off and take it slow for me to adjust. Well, then it became that I was home all the time and was close with her, and he was angry and jealous that I had more time with her.
And she was pushing for more time with him because I would be home with him on his off weeks/days and she was at work. So I began to feel jealous that she was pushing towards him. This is still an ongoing problem.
Cheyenne and I have worked out a system where we split who sleeps in the middle (her or me) to be near Tim, since he is the one we both fight for. This has helped some. But I find myself jealous that Tim will hold her at night, and not me, or he will let her sleep on his chest, on top of him, and I don't. This is been an issue since day 1 of her in our bed, because that's how she sleeps. I have learned over the years that he doesn't like to be 'smothered,' so I no longer sleep close to my husband of 18 years, and have to sleep closer to Cheyenne. But when she is in the middle, he lets her sleep however. It makes me angry and jealous.
I have said so many times over the year how it makes me feel. He says he can't help how she sleeps, and that I choose not to sleep on him, but I am now trained to do so out of respect for him. No matter how hard I try to subconsciously sleep on his chest, I can't.
I also still find myself jealous when they are alone, even more so when they have sex alone. I try not to be. I don't understand why I am jealous, because I get alone time with Tim and Cheyenne, and sex separately with them both. But I will get super upset about them having sex, or have a huge FOMO moment when they're alone.
I have always had FOMO, but when it comes to them two alone, it's worse. I need to be there. I need to involve myself somehow.
When they are texting one another when the other is at work, and I'm there with one of them, I get upset that the one away isn't texting me. If they're alone, I find myself texting them to keep them distracted from one another, because I tell myself if they're texting me, they can't be having sex. Or I make sure I text the one away.
Sometimes, I start a fight on purpose, and make it known that I'm jealous that I'm not being talked to. I know how horrible that is, but I can't seem to stop doing it, or thinking it.
16 months in, and I'm still jealous of them together. I don't understand why. I don't understand how to stop these feelings and thoughts and literal mental breakdowns from it. This is a problem that I need help with.
Sorry for the long post, but back story is important, in my opinion.
About 4 years ago, we were in one of our ruts of facing separation. I felt my needs weren't being met. I didn't feel seen or desired or heard, and I started to wonder, but fully, but enough that I knew where it was going.
I was working 2 jobs. I found myself interested in co-workers who were flirting with me. I liked it. It made me feel seen and wanted. I let it happen. I didn't flirt back, really, but I allowed it. I found myself starting to like them more than a friend, a girl specifically, who was full-on lesbian, but much younger than me.
In one of the many discussions my husband and I had, talking about separation, I told him that I found myself liking this girl friend of mine, and part of me wanted to try it out with her. We didn't know how it would go. He felt betrayed and confused. I was surely confused. I started to research into what I understood to be the polyamory lifestyle, and showed him it was normal for this to happen, that we can keep our marriage. He said he would give it a try.
Things were shaky for a while for him. He was super jealous and insecure and felt like he was losing me, even though my time with him and my focus on him hadn't shifted negatively, but more intensely (which made me very confused). He brought up her being both of ours, instead of just my partner, because it made him feel lonely to only have just me, while I had two partners. So we tried the throuple and it worked, for a little while. There were a lot of jealousy issues from us both, depending who she was being closer to. Ultimately she was closer to me, as she was fully lesbian and had never been with a male, or even attracted to one. They never really connected. So he left the group, and she was just my partner. He searched for his own girlfriend.
It took him a while to find a girl who was comfortable with the situation of a male who is married, but claiming to be in an open marriage, and it not be cheating. When he did find one, and started to spend time with her, and text with her, and receive spicy pictures, I found myself very jealous, even though I had my own girlfriend, in which it was no different. I became very confused on what that meant.
At this time, a year into this new lifestyle, mine and his communication was the best it had been in a while, so we talked a lot about our feelings, thoughts and expectations on this journey. I had told him that I found myself really jealous and panicking (like full-blown panic attack) when they went on a date, and that I felt we should call it quits on the lifestyle. But he was happy in it, after he got past his jealousy and insecurity, and didn't want to leave it.
While I was dating said girlfriend, she and I had our own issues, because her parents were super religious and would never be okay with her choices. This became an issue for me, constantly feeling like we were sneaking around and trying not to be seen by her parents while out of house. I started to lose feelings. I tried to break it off several times, but always drew back to it because I liked the attention she gave me that my husband wasn't.
During this time, my husband had went through a few girls, trying to find one that was a good fit. He had finally found one who was open to the thought of poly, our partner now.
I had left my girlfriend because it had become toxic. We argued a lot. I was unhappy. I found myself getting mean with her, so I left. I told my husband that I was done with poly and I wanted us to go back to just us. This tore him apart. He sat in his car crying because he didnt want to lose me and didn't want to let go of his girlfriend at the time (she hadn't become ours yet)...
After a lot of tears and a lot of talking, an ultimatum was made, I either accept he wants this lifestyle that I brought on to us, or I leave and let him live it. Weeks went by. I was jealous of him liking her and talking to her... I asked to meet her, because we had not met yet. She and I went and ate lunch and talked. I realized then that I could like her and this lifestyle could work.
Shortly after this meeting, she started to come over to the house, but I found myself super jealous and insecure about them being close, especially when I was at work, and he found himself jealous and angry when she and I were alone.
She moved in a month later, and has been with us ever since. But it has been a VERY difficult road.
Our jobs were all different in what times we were home. I was working early morning most days and a few closing shifts. My husband was working closing shifts. Cheyenne's was like mine, more open shifts and a few closing shifts.
I ended up hurting my back at work in April last year, and was out on workers comp and always home. Chey and Tim continued to work their normal shifts. Well, in May, Tim started a new position with his job (which he is still in) where he travels to different Lowes Stores, in different cities and states, and conducts audits. This position has him gone 4 to 5 days a week a lot.
Because of me being home from back injury and him traveling, I became super close with Cheyenne, and our relationship took off, whereas theirs didn't as much, partly because of the job, but also because of me and my emotions and being home all the time. They started to talk less, and only be intimate when it was all 3 of us. We had several conversations along the 16 months about this, because it is still an issue, and they still tiptoe around my emotions and blame me for their lack of intimacy.
So, here is the problems I see. In the beginning, I was super scared that he would leave me for her, because he was so distraught about letting her go when I told him I was done and he told me he wasn't giving up this lifestyle. So as things progressed with her, I continued to be scared of him leaving me, even though he would tell me over and over that he will never leave me. I continued to feel insecure that he was more attracted to her because she is skinnier and younger and they have a lot in common. So as I would express my fears and feelings, they would back off and take it slow for me to adjust. Well, then it became that I was home all the time and was close with her, and he was angry and jealous that I had more time with her.
And she was pushing for more time with him because I would be home with him on his off weeks/days and she was at work. So I began to feel jealous that she was pushing towards him. This is still an ongoing problem.
Cheyenne and I have worked out a system where we split who sleeps in the middle (her or me) to be near Tim, since he is the one we both fight for. This has helped some. But I find myself jealous that Tim will hold her at night, and not me, or he will let her sleep on his chest, on top of him, and I don't. This is been an issue since day 1 of her in our bed, because that's how she sleeps. I have learned over the years that he doesn't like to be 'smothered,' so I no longer sleep close to my husband of 18 years, and have to sleep closer to Cheyenne. But when she is in the middle, he lets her sleep however. It makes me angry and jealous.
I have said so many times over the year how it makes me feel. He says he can't help how she sleeps, and that I choose not to sleep on him, but I am now trained to do so out of respect for him. No matter how hard I try to subconsciously sleep on his chest, I can't.
I also still find myself jealous when they are alone, even more so when they have sex alone. I try not to be. I don't understand why I am jealous, because I get alone time with Tim and Cheyenne, and sex separately with them both. But I will get super upset about them having sex, or have a huge FOMO moment when they're alone.
I have always had FOMO, but when it comes to them two alone, it's worse. I need to be there. I need to involve myself somehow.
When they are texting one another when the other is at work, and I'm there with one of them, I get upset that the one away isn't texting me. If they're alone, I find myself texting them to keep them distracted from one another, because I tell myself if they're texting me, they can't be having sex. Or I make sure I text the one away.
Sometimes, I start a fight on purpose, and make it known that I'm jealous that I'm not being talked to. I know how horrible that is, but I can't seem to stop doing it, or thinking it.
16 months in, and I'm still jealous of them together. I don't understand why. I don't understand how to stop these feelings and thoughts and literal mental breakdowns from it. This is a problem that I need help with.
Sorry for the long post, but back story is important, in my opinion.