Looking for advice

Zara

New member
Hey everyone, i am 35 straight mother of 2 small kids in a long term relationship. Love my partner (father of my kids) but we lost the spark and don't have sex amymore. I adore him and want to continue a loving relationship with him. I miss meeting new people and having novel sex. I am also bicurious. I would love to have more relationships and hate the thought of being stuck with my partner (although I do not want to leave him) and unable to explore more. I suggested polyamory to him briefly and he told me the next day that it made him upset to think of me with others so I have not brought it up again. What should I do? Am I poly? Or just bored/confused? Would so appreciate advice. Thank you!
 

UNICORN324

New member
Hi Zara 2 points im going to pick on here.
I suggested polyamory to him briefly and he told me the next day that it made him upset to think of me with others so I have not brought it up again.
Firstly: he may be upset at the thought of you with others because he is jealous and may make him feel insecure. I would say you need to talk to him in depth about it and you need to make him understand why you want this and clear the air
What should I do? Am I poly? Or just bored/confused? Would so appreciate advice. Thank you!
you need to do what feels right. you may be poly or you may want to be in and open relationship. you do love him but if he cant respect you and support you once you have a deep conversation about this with him it may be time to quit it and be who you really are and explore. but just make sure you talk communication helps.

if you want im always free to chat message me if you want x
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I suggested polyamory to him briefly and he told me the next day that it made him upset to think of me with others so I have not brought it up again. What should I do? Am I poly? Or just bored/confused? Would so appreciate advice. Thank you!

Sounds like partner is not up for doing polyamory. I guess you could ask if this is "No, not ever" or "No, not right now with 2 small kids."

Then figure out what you want. Because only you can answer if you are poly, bored, confused, or a combo of the three.

Would you be happier in this relationship if the "spark" came back and you started sharing sex again? Or would that not be enough?

And what you want is to be able to have more relationships, meet new people, etc. even if it means leaving him and breaking up as a couple and only being good exes and coparents?

Galagirl
 

Zara

New member
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I know I need to talk to him more. Just need to figure out how to approach it. And figure out how this would all work and what I really want. Thanks again.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Zara,

Sorry you are going through a difficult time. There are two books that you and your partner should read, I recommend both of you reading together. The first book is called, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. The second book is called, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Read both books, in that order. Sex at Dawn will explain how nonmonogamy is a natural part of the human condition. It's just that it's been repressed by social conditioning over the last few thousand years. And Opening Up will tell you how to actually transition from a monogamous relationship to an open/poly relationship. It has lots of good questions for the two of you to consider at the end of each chapter. Both books are easy to read, and will help you a lot in your particular situation. Hang in there, this is a process, and it takes time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Token2

Member
I think too you should question whether it's a poly life you want - love, relationships and connection with others (and for your husband to be free to do that too).

Or whether sex alone would be enough to keep you content in your marriage in which case there are many flavours of ethical non monogamy to explore - together.

If he is the one without a sex drive it's not ok for him to insist that you have a sexless existence too - IMO. And asking for sex, not love, elsewhere might be an easier ask.

He can choose to join you literally in this exploration in which case his drive may return - or you could go solo.

Why not start by having a conversation about your mismatched drives and instead of putting any blame on him phrase it as - maybe my libidos high but I get horny sometimes and when I do 'this kind of thing/fantasy's turns me on.

See if you can engage him. Play with concepts, maybe start with an FMF fantasy so it includes him and see how he reacts. Talk about what the 2 of you will do to him.

You may spark him up a bit and if he shuts you down then you know you're going to come to a real stale mate.

Sharing fantasies can feel scary but it's so liberating too if they're anything you've carried shame around.

I'm a huge fan of Dan Savage and his advice to people in sexless marriages is good. You should express yourself again and give your husband a chance to step up.

If he doesn't you may have to get very clear with yourself on what you'll settle for and what you want.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Hey everyone, i am 35 straight mother of 2 small kids in a long term relationship. Love my partner (father of my kids) but we lost the spark and don't have sex amymore.

Super common and totally normal from what I can tell. Apparently there are people who still bang like teenagers even after being together for years and having kids... but that's got to be the exception (and I'm not sure I buy it).

I suggested polyamory to him briefly and he told me the next day that it made him upset to think of me with others so I have not brought it up again. What should I do? Am I poly? Or just bored/confused?

  • Are you poly? If you are interested in having multiple romantic associations (or at least open to it) then you are probably polyamorous.

  • Are you bored and confused? That certainly seems to be the case. I mean, you don't have sex anymore, you want sex, but the only path to get it takes you WAY outside of what is socially acceptable. That's a pretty bored and confused place to be I think.

  • What should you do? You have to be ready to pay the consequences for your actions, so no one but you can answer that. Personally I am not interested in adjusting my behavior to sate someone else's insecurity. I'm happy to discuss it and work through it if that is the goal, but I'm not going to just take a knee because someone doesn't like how I'm living my life.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Super common and totally normal from what I can tell. Apparently there are people who still bang like teenagers even after being together for years and having kids... but that's got to be the exception (and I'm not sure I buy it).

My ex husband and I were together 30 years, and our sex life intensity went up and down before and after kids. We had very intense daily sex well into the last part of our relationship, when we were in our early 50s. I don't think we were an "exception." My sex drive just increased after menopause, and he rose to the challenge happily!
  • Are you poly? If you are interested in having multiple romantic associations (or at least open to it) then you are probably polyamorous.

  • Are you bored and confused? That certainly seems to be the case. I mean, you don't have sex anymore, you want sex, but the only path to get it takes you WAY outside of what is socially acceptable. That's a pretty bored and confused place to be I think.

  • What should you do? You have to be ready to pay the consequences for your actions, so no one but you can answer that. Personally I am not interested in adjusting my behavior to sate someone else's insecurity. I'm happy to discuss it and work through it if that is the goal, but I'm not going to just take a knee because someone doesn't like how I'm living my life.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I don't think we were an "exception."

It's the differences that make the world interesting. And you and I having opposite interpretations of the same data set is pretty common; I don't think we agree on much.
 
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