Looking for advice

Tigg

New member
Hi everyone

Quick summary.

Hubby and I (me being female) are looking in to a poly relationship either adding partners in or a third person in our relationship. BUT we are really new to this and only have information in theory.

I'm hoping some of the people on here have more experience and can provide things like advice on where to look, do's and don'ts, pitfalls and things that work well. Stuff like that.

Hope to hear back from you lovely people
 

TinCup

Member
Advice? I don't know, but my opinion:

The first thing you do when considering opening a monogamous marriage to ENM is build security, strength, and resiliency in your marriage. *1
You need Jedi level communication. *2
You need individual autonomy. *3

And it turns out that these are good for any style relationship. So, bonus!

*1 - Polysecure
*2 - Living Nonviolent Communication
*3 - The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

My favorite books about opening up:

Opening Up
The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory

Podcast:

Multiamory

Triads/Quads are polyamory turned up to 11 and getting there can be riddled with land mines. Read about some of that:

unicorns-r-us

At this point you need to split up and each soul search your individual idea of your individual future relationship styles then get together and see how things mesh.

Spouse spending half the time living at other partner's?
What do holidays and events look like?
How out are you going to be?
Travel? Vacations?

Maybe you both are interested in spicing up your sex life with threesomes every now and then but the unicorns site has you concerned. No worries, ENM is a big umbrella and there are many people under it. You could probably find a playmate in the swinger community that's looking for a couple to play with. You can consider a sex worker.

And, of course, this forum.

Welcome.
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Seconding LITERALLY every word TinCup said - that was a perfect answer and all the resources they recommended are wonderful.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
This is a very good thread about poly relationship skills that we have made a sticky, worth reading.

 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Tigg,
Here are some links to help you in your poly journey:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Tigg

New member
Hi everyone thank you for your replies. I am still reading through all the resources but many have already been helpful. I am going to continue reading and researching but find I have some questions that are affecting the context of what I read and thoughts on how to progress.

I am going to try and keep my reply as short as possible but I don't think it's going to work! (Also sorry if I get some terminology wrong, the glossary boggled my brain in one go so I am going to keep going back to it!)

Specific questions
1) hubby and I hadn't "decided" whether we wanted a triad relationship or each having an additional relationship outside of ours. My thought was we would see who we met, discuss what we all wanted and how we all got along (also including the gender of that person) however from what I have read so far this might need to be decided in advance?

2) any recommendations of dating apps or sites that aren't just hook up apps?

(Well it was much shorter than I thought it would be!)

Thank you lovely people!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
1) hubby and I hadn't "decided" whether we wanted a triad relationship or each having an additional relationship outside of ours. My thought was we would see who we met, discuss what we all wanted and how we all got along (also including the gender of that person) however from what I have read so far this might need to be decided in advance?

Up DH and you to each decide what you are and are not up for. Then you ALSO talk to new person to see what they are and are not up for and figure out what lines up. It can be both/and. It doesn't have to be either/or.

I already know I'm not up for swinging. Nothing wrong with it, just not "me." And I don't want any more kids. And triads? I don't want any unless the form naturally over a long period of time

If this is first time? You might consider dating separately. That's 2 V's like an "N" or "Z" shape. Where a triad? Is 3 V's stacked up together with a lot of overlapping dynamics. It's one of the hardest models. Doing that WHILE learning poly skills as a newbie? That's a rough time.

It's more layers. And it might make you and DH compete for the attention of the new person. Maybe one of you might hit it off faster with the new person than the other. And what if the new person is more into one than the other and wants to change to a V and stop triad? Break up with one spouse but still see the other? Who you do you normally turn to for support -- spouse? Then you have to tell spouse about how your ex ( but still your meta and spouse's current) is off with their new partner (spouse) and how it stinks to see them happy while you are in break up misery?

That's just one example. But can you see how convoluted it can get when there's overlapping relationships?

Easier to skip some of that by not going there at this time when you are newbies. Date separate people rather than the same one.

Then spouse is just spouse and not your spouse/partner when you are the hinge in one V, and your hinge in one V because spouse sees both of you, and your metamour because then the new partner is the hinge in that V. 3 V's stacked up.

Your new partner is just your new partner. And not all these other things too.

Galagirl
 
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Tigg

New member
Hey Galagirl.

Yep used the word triad wrong sorry! Like I said getting used to the glossary of terms and so far it is clearly going amazingly well....🤦‍♀️ I meant either dating separately (I think you called that 2 Vs) or both dating the same person (having reviewed the sheet again a single V? Maybe?)

Sorry for the confusion!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Both dating the same person is a triad.

Maybe a visual aid helps?

Then you can see it is like 3 V's stacked up on top of each other. The V with pink as a hinge. The V with blue as a hinge. The V with purple as a hinge. All happening at once.

Where a V is only 1 V. And an N or Z is 2 V's stacked up. Less going on in both those models.

Because a triad is 3 V's stacked up.

Sandclock or square or quad? That's 4 V's stacked up.

And a cross quad with everyone involved with everyone else? 8 V's stacked up.

Then a web can get even bigger.

GG

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/hr4wi8
 
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Tigg

New member
That infographic has helped massively thank you and I have re read your previous post and it makes a lot more sense and yes I completely get what you are saying and given us both lots more things to think about!

Thank you so much!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad it helped some. In case not mentioned above, could read


Then Kathy Labriola articles.... Lots from her book "Love in Abundance" there.



They are broken on the Opening Up website but available with wayback machine

In case they help you... all the sheets from the Opening Up Book for your talking with DH.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Don't be in a rush to date. Some couples take a year or more to get better educated so they can avoid pitfalls. Poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks or weak spots, so starting from a good foundation is better than starting from a wonky one.


Might also consider Non Violent Communication books like this one.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Tigg,

I do not think you need to decide in advance whether you will be shooting for a triad, or some other configuration. I actually think it is usually better to let things play out naturally, and adapt to whatever kind of configuration you end up with.

A triad is where three people are dating each other, and all three pairs/dyads within the three are romantically involved.

A V is where one person (the hinge of the V) is dating two other people (the legs of the V), and the legs of the V are not romantically involved with each other.

Here are the poly-friendly dating apps/sites that I know of:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It is so common in mainstream media to present "polyamory" as a triad, above all. Usually the media makes it out that this means a FMF configuration, where the straight guy gets 2 women, and both women are bi. Because that is hot for the man... *rolleyes Media wants to sell its product, so it goes with this kind of configuration for more looks, engagement and money.

Polyamory is hardly ever like that in real life. In modern, female-empowered polyamory, each person is free to date whomever they choose. 2 partners rarely share one other person in a "triad." (Please don't say "throuple," ugh.)

Group sex is not a requirement and also rarely happens.

Sorry to burst anyone's bubble.
 
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