Lost and Confused

[jxb]

This may be a long one as it's been almost a year of confusion & trying to navigate a dynamic I feel I was rushed into.

For backstory, I prompted my fiance 9 months ago about potentially opening up into a poly relationship - I'm bisexual, have never explored sapphic connections & my partner is intensely work focused & I thought it'd be a nice opportunity to go on dates & enjoy the company of other connections while still maintaining a 5 year relationship that I care about.

We agreed to start dipping our toes in with dating apps, talking to people & we mentioned a couple boundaries: letting one another know if we're having someone over (I'm an introvert & I'd like the opportunity to opt out of a social situation & go elsewhere if I'm not feeling up to it), nobody in our bedroom (maintaining a single private space that is just ours), spending more mindful QUALITY time, wearing condoms/protection with any sexual connections and regular STD/STI testing. I also asked that he let me know if there's anyone of note, not every conversation but if there's anyone he's progressed past the apps with, intend to meet in person, etc. We're hoping for kitchen table poly & being able to be friends with potential metas.

Well, within a couple weeks I was hanging out on discord with someone I'd met & was casually talking to & my partner was hanging out with us, briefly mentioned his 'friend' whose name I'd never heard of before & i just brushed it off. The next day he decided to tell me he'd connected with someone & i said I'd figured but it would've been nice if he'd brought her up like this to start, instead of dropping it on me in a situation where we couldn't talk more about it.

Fast forward a couple weeks, my partner has a gig with his band that I've planned to go to in advance with a friend. He tells me the weekend before that the girl he's talking to is coming and it'll be not only his first time meeting her in person but now me as well. I told him I'd preferred he'd let me know he was planning to invite her so we could've communicated whether I was at the comfort level to meet a potential romantic connection of his - keep in mind we're less than a month into poly. I went regardless and met her, everything went well.

I had to ask him if they were official the next month in order to get confirmation that their relationship had progressed past friendly. She lives with her parents 30 mins away and I found out offhand one day shortly after that that she was viewing an apartment in our city - didn't even know she was looking for her own place let alone looking local. He told me they were holding off on sexual intimacy to start & I told him given our sex life had not been given a lot of care & effort over the last few years, that that may be a good opportunity for us to repair that insecure part of our relationship before they took that step - as I felt like if he had 'no sex drive' for me, but had that energy for somebody else, it would cause some jealousy. He proceeded to ignore that for just over a month until I found a condom wrapper in our living room while I was cleaning. I mentioned that that was a bit of an insensitive way for me to find out & that now I feel exactly how I articulated I would. I came home a few weeks later to her at my house with no heads up. Once again, I articulated that a heads up would've been appreciated as we had been interacting with poly connections all weekend and I was burnt out.

Found out from her this week that she's found her own place & is moving. Immediately panicked that she was moving here in town. I'm glad I asked her for further info and found out she's moving closer to her work office before getting antsy. I feel like this changes the dynamic because he'll be here less with her over the weekends & in the city more staying over, extending their amount of quality time - but he still hasn't told me. He also texts her all day long while he's at work & at home but can't put his phone down to focus on quality time when he's with me. I don't give him shit any day we're both at home unless we're purposefully spending time together because I understand as a NP I see him every day and she doesnt. I don't text him when they're together because I feel like that's respectful of their one on one time. I've articulated several times that I would like the same respect & that it is not her responsibility to maintain that boundary, but his. Her & I get along just fine and I like her, I hate that any reservations I may have will punish her in the process as she's done nothing wrong.

I feel like maybe I'm asking for too much when it comes to the communication level, but I also feel like this has progressed at a break neck pace without any opportunity for us to articulate discomfort or ask to take a beat & adjust to the change in dynamic, since any changes in the dynamic have not been communicated. I feel like I've articulated my needs & boundaries clearly & have had them stepped on & ignored.

He does tell me about their relationship, but it's things I don't need to know about or create jealousy rather than compersion - like telling me she's been secretly practicing a game him & I play without telling him in order to get better at it so they can play together (fine, but also, we don't play those games anymore despite my asking & suggesting we do) him telling me that she called off things with another guy because he started to feel insecure that the new guy was physically more her type (I've been going on dates with both men & women for 9 months & he has not once felt insecure about my activities) or him telling me she's afraid I'm going to 'pull the rug out from under them' by changing my mind about poly (which has prevented me these months from feeling like I have a say in continuing this).

Fundamentally, it's his choice. I just feel like my poly experience has been just entirely awful, through no fault of his girlfriend, & now my choices are either lose a 6 year relationship or put up with a poly dynamic that is hurtful & is never going to change.

Any advice or insight into this would be amazing. I post on Facebook groups for Polyamoury & receive judgement for 'comparing' our relationships; but the fact is, needs are being met in one relationship while those same needs are being begged for and ignored in the other. It's not fair & it does not create security and safety in my relationship, especially since he has not pursued looking for or dating any other connections and she has dated minimally as well - making me feel like perhaps they do want monogamy & I'M the one that's going to have the rug pulled out.

Thank you for reading all this. I'm so lost and scared I've made a mistake.

 

[Evie]

I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed by all of this and scared you're going to lose this relationship. And that you don't want to make the choice, because both options suck. I guess you have to figure out which sucks less.

Honestly, my impression of the situation from what you've written is that I think you've made a mistake.

It sounds like quite a classic opening - your relationship is a bit stale, certainly in the bedroom as you've written above. And you (plural) have put in some rules to attempt to ease the transition from monogamy to polyamory, but some of those rules have already been broken by him (are there any you've broken on your side?). And it sucks. And you don't feel like he's honouring any of the ones you specifically point out. He's being a shitty hinge and you're in polyhell. Did you guys really the poly hell article before opening up? So you had an inkling that this could happen? Is it possible to read it and talk about it now?

It sounds like the more out of control this all feels, the more you're trying to grab back control, and it's not working.

Does he want to work on it? What does that look like to him?

You can find the poly hell article here: https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

 

[jxb]

I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed by all of this and scared you're going to lose this relationship. And that you don't want to make the choice, because both options suck. I guess you have to figure out which sucks less.

Honestly, my impression of the situation from what you've written is that I think you've made a mistake.

It sounds like quite a classic opening - your relationship is a bit stale, certainly in the bedroom as you've written above. And you (plural) have put in some rules to attempt to ease the transition from monogamy to polyamory, but some of those rules have already been broken by him (are there any you've broken on your side?). And it sucks. And you don't feel like he's honouring any of the ones you specifically point out. He's being a shitty hinge and you're in polyhell. Did you guys really the poly hell article before opening up? So you had an inkling that this could happen? Is it possible to read it and talk about it now?

It sounds like the more out of control this all feels, the more you're trying to grab back control, and it's not working.

Does he want to work on it? What does that look like to him?

You can find the poly hell article here: https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

We have not read the poly hell article, though I much appreciate you linking it! I read up on a couple best practices for practicing polyamory, and read about having boundaries set in place to start, jealousy is normal and to be communicated, and some other basic poly informationals, like term definitions.

I don't believe I've crossed any boundaries that I know of. Nothing has been brought to my attention by him, either.

Every time I bring up insecurity or needs or boundaries, he does a good job of validating, attempting to provide reassurance & says he won't do something again, or will try to work on something. But I don't find a lot of those words backed up by action at times. The sex has not improved, despite me asking and implementing what he has told me will help on his end, the texting crap isn't improving, and the communication certainly hasn't, as I keep finding things out through outside forces rather than from him. It's incredibly discouraging, & I've suggested therapy, but perhaps I really need to dig my heels in on that.

Once again, thank you very much for imparting some advice/insight. It's really appreciated.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

We have not read the poly hell article, though I much appreciate you linking it! I read up on a couple best practices for practicing polyamory and read about having boundaries set in place to start, jealousy is normal and to be communicated, and some other basic poly informationals, like term definitions.

I don't believe I've crossed any boundaries that I know of. Nothing has been brought to my attention by him, either.

Every time I bring up insecurity or needs or boundaries, he does a good job of validating, attempting to provide reassurance & says he won't do something again or will try to work on something. But I don't find a lot of those words backed up by action at times. The sex has not improved, despite me asking and implementing what he has told me will help on his end, the texting crap isn't improving, and the communication certainly hasn't, as I keep finding things out through outside forces, rather than from him. It's incredibly discouraging & I've suggested therapy, but perhaps I really need to dig my heels in on that.

Once again, thank you very much for imparting some advice/insight. It's really appreciated.

I agree with Evie. You opened your relationship for the wrong reasons/at the wrong time. I can't really understand why you'd have thought seeing other people would be a solution for the intimacy issues you were already experiencing. Maybe those intimacy issues were spelling something out.

 

[jxb]

I agree with Evie. You opened your relationship for the wrong reasons/at the wrong time. I can't really understand why you'd have thought seeing other people would be a solution for the intimacy issues you were already experiencing. Maybe those intimacy issues were spelling something out.

To clarify so the bulk of the replies aren't about my intimacy issues, I opened up my relationship to explore connections with women, something I'd wanted for a while, not to satiate a lack of sex. I didn't even know he had a libido to speak of until he started dating this girl - and because we had very limited bedroom intimacy, I pointed out that that could be a point of contention if not addressed. No decision was made to try poly over sexual needs, at least not any kind of conscious one from either of us.

 

[Magdlyn]

Let me recap:

You've been with your fiance for five years.
Nine months ago you asked to open your relationship so you could explore sapphic connections.
You and fiance joined dating apps.
Within a couple weeks you found out he'd starting chatting with/dating another woman.
Your sex life with fiance was basically dead before you opened.
Your fiance spends a lot of time working.
You thought he had no sex drive anymore.
Now, he's dating, on the phone with gf all day long, not providing any sex for you, having sex with gf, breaking agreements right and left, only giving lip service to your requests, and isn't interested in couples therapy.
You're scared you've made a mistake in opening up.
You'd done a little research into poly, read a few articles, but seemingly have not read any books, yet.

What would you like to have happen next? Have you made some connections with women as you originally wanted?

It does seem like Fiance is swept up in NRE and is seeming to be enjoying monogamy with his new gf while basically ignoring you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello jxb,

It does sound like there has been a lapse of communication between you and your fiancé. A lot of assumptions were made without giving or getting confirmation. Like, "This will be okay, I don't need to mention it," on his part, and, "He wouldn't do this without asking me," on your part. This pattern repeated itself many times from what I am reading, and you and he should both try to do better about checking in with each other in the future. It also seems to me that he is deep in NRE with his new girlfriend, and as a result he is neglecting his relationship with you. It is not cool of him to do that, and you should tell him as much. For instance he should put his phone down when he is spending time with you. But talking to him doesn't seem to convince him to do better. There needs to be some real consequences for his actions.

Sorry you are going through this. It does seem like he has been (and is still being) inconsiderate, like I said it's probably NRE and he just doesn't handle that very well. I can see why you would feel stuck between continuing to suffer in this situation, and between throwing away a perfectly good six-year relationship (and you probably feel like all of those years would then be wasted). Only it's not quite perfectly good, is it? The truth is it's full of holes, and has been since before the two of you agreed to try open/poly. You need him to treat you much better in order for this to be worth it, and I don't know how to convince him to do that. I'm not even sure if he's even aware of how shitty his behavior is. It's like you are talking to him, but he isn't listening. I don't suppose the two of you could try couple's counseling?

Something's got to change, that's for sure.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

It kinda sounds like he was a workaholic, and you were being taken for granted/neglected in the relationship, and wanted to open it up to explore dating women, while avoiding a breakup. Is that true?

Poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks that are already there. So now it's open and... he's still neglecting/taking you for granted? You see he can manage time and energy for the New Shiny Person and not you.

This sounds like poly hell to the max.

I feel like maybe I'm asking for too much when it comes to the communication level,

If you were asking too much of him, then why did he AGREE, rather than speak up and renegotiate to more keepable things?

I've articulated my needs & boundaries clearly & have had them stepped on & ignored.

All right. He made some shared agreements that he is not keeping with you. When you bring it to his attention, he says nice words, but nothing actually changes in his behavior.

Since he's not going to be changing anything on his side, what changes will you be making? How will you be enforcing your boundaries and making changes that YOU can make?

People aren't perfect out of the gate. There's a learning curve. But how much are you willing to tolerate, and how much is just too much and hitting your dealbreakers?

Fundamentally, it's his choice. I just feel like my poly experience has been just entirely awful, through no fault of his girlfriend, & now my choices are either lose a 6-year relationship, or put up with a poly dynamic that is hurtful & is never going to change.

You don't have to tell him to break up with his GF. She's done nothing wrong. But you also don't have to just keep putting up with ugh either. You can stop picking him out and end it; heal from that; then move on to poly date other people if you want poly. You CAN walk away. You aren't going to "lose" the relationship. The 6 years was had. Nobody can take your memories of it from you. It just might not go on to 7 years, because you two are no longer compatible if he won't be changing anything. And being here like THIS is ugh to you.

You have the whole rest of your life to go. You don't have to choose to live it out like THIS.

In case this helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

It may be that the engagement period has done its work and shown that you two are NOT deeply compatible enough for marriage. It's not the "big win" people hope for, that leads to a wedding and marriage, but a "smaller win" that allows people to avoid all the costs of a wonky marriage and subsequent divorce. Not just the money, but the mental health dings, emotional health dings, etc. Maybe that's something to think about.

Any advice or insight into this would be amazing. I post on Facebook groups for polyamory & receive judgement for 'comparing' our relationships; but the fact is, needs are being met in one relationship while those same needs are being begged for and ignored in the other. It's not fair & it does not create security and safety in my relationship, especially since he has not pursued looking for or dating any other connections and she has dated minimally as well, making me feel like perhaps they do want monogamy & I'M the one that's going to have the rug pulled out.

It's less about "who gets the rug pulled out" and more "Are we actually deeply compatible enough to create sustainable poly marriage? Or not really?"

If you want to give it one last try, you and hinge might read the poly hell article together and think about working with a couples counselor if you can avail yourself. If he won't do couples counseling, that doesn't stop YOU from attending individual counseling so you can get support while you figure out how you want to be living your life and what next choices to make.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You have my sympathies.

Galagirl

 

[jxb]

Let me recap:

You've been with your fiance for five years.
Nine months ago you asked to open your relationship so you could explore sapphic connections.
You and fiance joined dating apps.
Within a couple weeks you found out he'd starting chatting with/dating another woman.
Your sex life with fiance was basically dead before you opened.
Your fiance spends a lot of time working.
You thought he had no sex drive anymore.
Now, he's dating, on the phone with gf all day long, not providing any sex for you, having sex with gf, breaking agreements right and left, only giving lip service to your requests, and isn't interested in couples therapy.
You're scared you've made a mistake in opening up.
You'd done a little research into poly, read a few articles, but seemingly have not read any books, yet.

What would you like to have happen next? Have you made some connections with women as you originally wanted?

It does seem like Fiance is swept up in NRE and is seeming to be enjoying monogamy with his new gf while basically ignoring you.

I have gone on dates & made a few connections with women! None have turned into long term romantic connections, unfortunately, at this point, but it's been really nice to get to nurture this side of me. I'm pretty bad at dating and I have a very small social battery, so talking to and pursuing too many connections at once has been difficult. I've had to pull back & focus on one or two at a time. I have found myself less overwhelmed since making that change.

I'd ideally like fiance & me to sit down and reassess this journey; talk about what has worked and what has not worked. Talk about how this is to succeed long term. Discuss couples counselling, perhaps. But I feel like all our chats are just him being super nice and validating, but not really getting to the root of these reoccurring things. So now certain things feel futile to bring up again.

I mentioned NRE a few weeks ago when I brought up the phone thing, mentioned that I deserve undivided attention as well. But I've walked in the door the last two weeks for our allotted 'date night' & he's been either nose deep in his phone for the first 15 minutes, or, in the case of last night, on a phone call; & it's not always just with meta. He knows what time I get home. I've already stated I'd appreciate it if he'd wrapped up his conversations by the time our quality time together starts. This is just an example of pushing boundaries and not really delivering on discussed needs. I brought up limiting phones during quality time BEFORE we jumped on the apps because I could foresee that hurting feelings. That's 9 months of showing patience and reiterating wants/needs over and over.

 

[jxb]

Hello jxb,

It does sound like there has been a lapse of communication between you and your fiancé. A lot of assumptions were made without giving or getting confirmation. Like, "This will be okay, I don't need to mention it," on his part, and, "He wouldn't do this without asking me," on your part. This pattern repeated itself many times from what I am reading, and you and he should both try to do better about checking in with each other in the future. It also seems to me that he is deep in NRE with his new girlfriend, and as a result he is neglecting his relationship with you. It is not cool of him to do that, and you should tell him as much. For instance he should put his phone down when he is spending time with you. But talking to him doesn't seem to convince him to do better. There needs to be some real consequences for his actions.

Sorry you are going through this. It does seem like he has been (and is still being) inconsiderate, like I said it's probably NRE and he just doesn't handle that very well. I can see why you would feel stuck between continuing to suffer in this situation, and between throwing away a perfectly good six-year relationship (and you probably feel like all of those years would then be wasted). Only it's not quite perfectly good, is it? The truth is it's full of holes, and has been since before the two of you agreed to try open/poly. You need him to treat you much better in order for this to be worth it, and I don't know how to convince him to do that. I'm not even sure if he's even aware of how shitty his behavior is. It's like you are talking to him, but he isn't listening. I don't suppose the two of you could try couple's counseling?

Something's got to change, that's for sure.
Kevin T.

Thank you Kevin, I'm not sure what the answer is either. I only know I can't keep feeling like this forever. This thread has been super helpful for resources and reassurance that therapy or something else may be needed though.

 

[jxb]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

Kinda sounds like he was all workaholic? And you were being taken for granted/neglected in the relationship and wanted to open it up to explore dating women while avoiding a break up. Is that true?

Poly has a way of shining a light on all the cracks that are already there. So now it's open and... he's still neglecting/taking you for granted? You see he can manage time and energy for the New Shiny Person and not you.

Sounds like poly hell to the max.

If you were asking too much of him, then why did he AGREE, rather than speak up and renegotiate to more keepable things?

He made some shared agreements that he is just not keeping with you.

When you bring it to his attention he says nice words and nothing actually changes in behavior.

Since he's not going to be changing anything on his side, what changes will you be making? How will you be enforcing your boundaries and making changes that YOU can make then?

People aren't perfect out of the gate. There's a learning curve. But how much are you willing to tolerate, and how much is just too much and hitting your dealbreaker You can stop picking him out and end it; heal from that; then move on to poly date other people if you want poly.


It just might not go on to 7 years because you two are no longer compatible if he won't be changing anything. And being here like THIS is ugh to you. You have the whole rest of your life to go. You don't have to choose living it out like THIS.

In case this helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

It may be that the engagement period has done its work and shown that you two are NOT deeply compatible enough for marriage.

If you want to give it one last try, you and hinge might read the poly hell article together and think about working with a couples counselor. If he won't do couples counseling, that doesn't stop YOU from attending individual counseling so you can get support while you figure out how you want to be living your life and what next choices to make.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

You have my sympathies.

Galagirl

Thank you for providing some more resources & for your insights. He is a workaholic, but that's because he works a day job to pay the bills & then his passion project on the side of a 40 hour week, one that he's trying to make fulltime down the line. He has gotten more efficient at managing his time with that, and I'd hoped perhaps with some time, managing his relationships would come too. But in the interim, I'm being filled with a lot of doubt. We've come a long way in 6 years (it was 5 when we opened up, but we've since hit a milestone). He's a better partner to me than he was in the beginning, but I didn't realize we still had so many cracks until this opened up, and I also didn't realize that while we went through all this work over the last 6 years & have come out better for it, I'd also have to watch others freely given what i had to fight tooth & nail for. Some things I still fight tooth and nail for.

I am scared to leave, honestly. Not having found a romantic connection in 9 months makes me feel like perhaps there's no one out there compatible for me, but my partner already knows he won't come out of this alone.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It's much harder to find a partner when you already have one.

 

[jxb]

It's much harder to find a partner when you already have one.

Is it? Well that's good to know. I thought maybe I was just broken lol.

 

[Tinwen]

Hello jxb,

To me, it seems you did open with the right mindset and you are a poly-compatible person. It is not as much poly that's giving you trouble, it's the neglect from your partner. You may have been naive in not anticipating how him finding a partner would shine a bright light on the cracks already present in your relationship, but honestly, most people who come here with confused and unhappy stories have made way worse "mistakes" while opening up. Even worse mistakes then your partner is making, although the information withholding and dishonesty in what he is and isn't willing to do are pretty bad.

Your partner seems, to me, like someone with a low ability to either perceive his own feelings or exercise empathy. Could it be true that he's just really bad with feelings?

I don't know if your relationship is beyond fixing now or not. Your partner could be more able to work on repairing with you as his NRE is getting weaker. But it seems poly has very much amplified the ways in which your relationship sucked already before the transition. If your partner is willing to go to therapy or have (bi)-weekly checkups with you about the state of your relationship and address some of those things, you could have a chance. But breaking up and going on to poly-date with more experienced poly-people, or just explore connections with women for some time before finding a suitable monogamous partner, might be a wise choice.

 

[Magdlyn]

Is it? Well that's good to know. I thought maybe I was just broken lol.

I disagree with Seasoned's statement. It's extremely easy to find men to date, or at least hook up with, if you're a married woman. The issue is, even for lesbians, it's hard to find WOMEN to date, especially if you're just using dating apps. I am pansexual and in my decade plus of active dating, I only ever found three women willing to date me. On the other hand, literally thousands of men hit on me (and I was 53 when I became single, no spring chicken)!

Dating women is difficult. They are skittish as cats. And for good reason, of course, in this society.

So don't blame yourself.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If we think statistics.

Your dating pool (DP) are the people with whom you could feasibly create an intimate relationship.

Out of 100% of your DP, only A% are ENM-compatible. So A is all of the ENM people you could feasibly date in person.

Only B% of A are attracted to you. So B are the people who are attracted to you at the most basic level, and also ENM.

Only C% of B are compatible with how you do ENM/your current availability. So C are the people who are ENM, attracted to you and compatible with how you do ENM.

Only D% of people also have complementary mid- to short-term goals to you. So D are the people who are ENM, compatible with the way you do ENM, and in a more general sense (common interests, etc.), attracted to you, and share enough complementary life plans for you to feasibly keep connecting for a sustained period.

Ds are essentially unicorns. If you take away having an established partner, you not only increase your availability, you can choose to be more flexible on things like how you do ENM if you so wish, simply because you don't have another relationship/partner to consider.

Typically, women find it easy to find men to have sex with, but are often left missing a broader connection with the kinds of expectations you can have from a full partner. The issues with women dating women are as Magdlyn described.

 

[jxb]

Hello jxb,

To me, it seems you did open with the right mindset and you are a poly-compatible person. It is not as much poly that's giving you trouble, it's the neglect from your partner. You may have been naive in not anticipating how him finding a partner would shine a bright light on the cracks already present in your relationship, but honestly, most people who come here with confused and unhappy stories have made way worse "mistakes" while opening up. Even worse mistakes then your partner is making, although the information withholding and dishonesty in what he is and isn't willing to do are pretty bad.

Your partner seems, to me, like someone with a low ability to either perceive his own feelings or exercise empathy. Could it be true that he's just really bad with feelings?

I don't know if your relationship is beyond fixing now or not. Your partner could be more able to work on repairing with you as his NRE is getting weaker. But it seems poly has very much amplified the ways in which your relationship sucked already before the transition. If your partner is willing to go to therapy or have (bi)-weekly checkups with you about the state of your relationship and address some of those things, you could have a chance. But breaking up and going on to poly-date with more experienced poly-people, or just explore connections with women for some time before finding a suitable monogamous partner, might be a wise choice.

Thank you so much for saying that. I wanted poly in the first place. I thought long & hard before I broached the topic in the first place & really wanted it to have a place in my life. This entire situation has made me feel discouraged & that I'm not cut out for it.

I do feel like these issues are minimal & if they were addressed we'd be fine. But I also feel like there's been so much time for these things to be addressed, & they still haven't been, & that's what worries me. My partner has had issues in the past with communication and conflict, so I'm not sure if he's just trying to diffuse the situation but not thinking past the initial diffusing of the situation.

I don't know. I think a regular check-in would be extremely beneficial to us, I may try that AND therapy if we can afford it. Thank you again for your input!

 

[jxb]

I disagree with Seasoned's statement. It's extremely easy to find men to date, or at least hook up with, if you're a married woman. The issue is, even for lesbians, it's hard to find WOMEN to date, especially if you're just using dating apps. I am pansexual and in my decade plus of active dating, I only ever found three women willing to date me. On the other hand, literally thousands of men hit on me (and I was 53 when I became single, no spring chicken)!

Dating women is difficult. They are skittish as cats. And for good reason, of course, in this society.

So don't blame yourself.

If we think statistics.

Your dating pool (DP) are the people with whom you could feasibly create an intimate relationship.

Out of 100% of DP , only a% are ENM compatible. So a is all of the ENM people you could feasibly date in person.

Only b% of a are attracted to you. So b are the people who are attracted to you at the most basic level, and also ENM.

Only c% of b are compatible with how you do ENM/your current availability. So c are the people who are ENM, attracted to you and compatible with how you do ENM.

Only d% of people also have complementary mid to short term goals to you. So d are the people who are ENM, compatible with the way you do ENM and in a more general sense (common interests etc), attracted to you, and share enough complementary life plans for you to feasibly keep connecting for a sustained period.

D's are essentially unicorns. If you take away having an established partner, you're not only increasing your availability, you can choose to be more flexible on things like how you do ENM if you so wish simply because you don't have another relationship/partner to consider.

Typically, women find it easy to find men to have sex with, but are often left missing a broader connection with the kinds of expectations you can have from a full partner. The issues with women dating women are as Magdyln described.

This all makes a lot of sense. ENM, LGBTQ+ relationships on top of other factors & compatibilities can really limit the dating pool available to me. This, on top of my capacity & pace has really put my dating experience so far into perspective. I'll just have to give it a little more time.

 

[ref2018]

This all makes a lot of sense. ENM, LGBTQ+ relationships on top of other factors & compatibilities can really limit the dating pool available to me.

Not to mention that a significant number of lesbians, even when open to non-monogamy, don't want to become involved with bisexual women, especially if they already have a male partner.

 

[Magdlyn]

This all makes a lot of sense. ENM, LGBTQ+ relationships on top of other factors & compatibilities can really limit the dating pool available to me. This, on top of my capacity & pace has really put my dating experience so far into perspective. I'll just have to give it a little more time.

You might have to give it a LOT more time. I was incredibly lucky to find a woman who was into me just a few months after I became available. In fact, I'd joined OK Cupid (back when it was good), and talked to a few people (a few couples, mostly single men), but she was the only one I was interested in dating. She was my first date after being married/mono for 30 years.

However, despite talking to hundreds of guys, and a couple more women, over the ensuing 12ish years, I never had a relationship go longer than 2.5 years. A few lasted 7 months to a year before they fizzled. Most never went past date 1-3. Finally I met my current bf (see my sig), after I'd basically given up on ever finding a decent man. That's all I wanted-- one femme partner, and one masc partner. I had to be incredibly patient.