Lost and Confused

[GalaGirl]

I am scared to leave, honestly. Not having found a romantic connection in 9 months makes me feel like perhaps there's no one out there compatible for me, but my partner already knows he won't come out of this alone.

Would the peace you would have being on your own be better than this "Still all these cracks" and "fighting tooth and nail" thing you are doing now? "Better than before" is not "good." It is just "better than before."

Would being on your own improve your dating pool?

Maybe something to think on.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

I've walked in the door the last two weeks for our allotted 'date night' & he's been either nose deep in his phone for the first 15 minutes, or, in the case of last night, on a phone call; & it's not always just with meta. He knows what time I get home. I've already stated I'd appreciate it if he'd wrapped up his conversations by the time our quality time together starts. This is just an example of pushing boundaries and not really delivering on discussed needs. I brought up limiting phones during quality time BEFORE we jumped on the apps because I could foresee that hurting feelings. That's 9 months of showing patience and reiterating wants/needs over and over.

It's time to enforce boundaries. You enforce boundaries you place on YOURSELF. this might look like, if my partner can't respect my quality time by getting off the phone and being ready for me at the agreed time, then partner doesn't get to spend that time with me.

Leave and go do something without him. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it's time he put on the minimal work of respecting you and your time. If he cannot step up, and makes no effort to once you start enforcing your boundary, then you know it's over.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think a regular check-in would be extremely beneficial to us, I may try that AND therapy if we can afford it. Thank you again for your input!

Could try RADAR model.

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com

But I've walked in the door the last two weeks for our allotted 'date night' & he's been either nose deep in his phone for the first 15 minutes, or, in the case of last night, on a phone call; & it's not always just with meta.

You could stop talking about it and just let natural consequences happen. If he isn't showing up for date time with you on time, he's not being PRESENT, just always in the phone doing something else?

You could say "So it's X o'clock and time for our date. Can we both put devices away now?"

Or you could cut the date short or skip it. "It's X o'clock and time for our date. Looks like you have chosen to be on the phone and are skipping our date. In future, I'd prefer a heads-up rather than being stood up." And then you just go do something else.

It's trickier in a nesting situation. You can't just up and leave and go home to your own place. You ARE home. But you don't have to follow through with the date. You could go to the dinner or movie or whatever on your own. You could go to another room in the home, or go visit a friend. But you don't have to go on the date if the dating partner is meh, even if it is a nesting partner. In future, instead of going home from work to get him, you just head right to the date location. And if he stands you up there, you do something on your own or go home.

There's a point where talking SOME MORE about things you already talked about means nothing. You have to move on to taking actions.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

There's a point where talking SOME MORE about things you already talked about means nothing. You have to move on to taking actions.

Exactly. Talk is cheap; actions speak louder than words; and all that. Doing the same thing over and over (talking... talking... empty promises, no follow-up actions), and expecting different results (quality time) just keeps you running on the same hamster wheel, and never getting anywhere.

If he won't take action... YOU CAN!

 

[jxb]

I do need to be firmer with my boundaries, I up until recently was very poor at setting them and enforcing them so it's easy to slip back into people pleasing mode.

Could try RADAR model.

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com

You could stop talking about it and just let natural consequences happen. If he isn't showing up for date time with you on time, he's not being PRESENT, just always in the phone doing something else?

You could say "So it's X o'clock and time for our date. Can we both put devices away now?"

Or you could cut the date short or skip it. "It's X o'clock and time for our date. Looks like you have chosen to be on the phone and are skipping our date. In future, I'd prefer a heads-up rather than being stood up." And then you just go do something else.

It's trickier in a nesting situation. You can't just up and leave and go home to your own place. You ARE home. But you don't have to follow through with the date. You could go to the dinner or movie or whatever on your own. You could go to another room in the home, or go visit a friend. But you don't have to go on the date if the dating partner is meh, even if it is a nesting partner. In future, instead of going home from work to get him, you just head right to the date location. And if he stands you up there, you do something on your own or go home.

There's a point where talking SOME MORE about things you already talked about means nothing. You have to move on to taking actions.

Galagirl

We actually just discussed today the idea of therapy and a check in (*trumpet sounds*) so I will share this RADAR model with him when we talk on Sunday.

Thank you so much everyone for your help. I really hope this effort is enough to get us out of polyhell.