Love and hatred, can they both exist in poly?

Ductcha

New member
So this is spiritual to me. I want to discuss love and hatred (specific hatred for one person, not anything else), and how I have come to feel about them, and hear your thoughts, especially if we apply poly concepts to hatred. (And frankly I could use the distraction)
So, I view love and hate as equals. Both important, as long as kept in balance. So we know how many of us feel about poly love, but what about poly hate? Can we truly, deeply hate multiple people, if so, is nre and ore applicable? I think so. And if we assume this to be true, then is it safe to say that one would have to maintain balance in this hatred to prevent a dangerous situation.
This is not about causing hate, but an attempt at serious philosophical thought. An attempt to understand myself, and maybe you all a little better.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm not sure what you are talking about. Could you please be willing to clarify?

To me the opposite of love is not hatred. It's indifference. Because whether positive attention or negative attention, if I love or hate someone, I'm spending all this time and energy on that with them as the focus. So the opposite is not to bother. Indifference, not care, etc. NOT put any time and energy on that with them as the focus.

To me one's spirituality or religion is to help them be the best version of themselves, and help them navigate and live their life more at peace within. I think it is spiritually healthier for me to forgive so I can let go. Cultivating hatred isn't esp. spiritually grounding or healthy sounding to me. Hanging on to grudges isn't behavior that helps me be my best self or helps bring me inner peace.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna be stupid and FORGET if I decide to forgive.

I can forgive WITHOUT giving opportunity to make amends and WITHOUT wanting to continue any relationship with the person any more.

Like my friend who left her crazy abusive ex? Well, she's forgiven him so I have as well. Mostly because I don't want to give him time and energy in my head. I don't wish him ill. I do hope he gets help for his issues. And I do hope he isn't just hitting some new woman. But does it matter to me in MY life if he gets better or not? Not really. Since the divorce I see her plenty but I haven't seen him in years.

Am I gonna FORGET how he used to hit my friend and cause all this pain for her? Nope.

Or let myself ever be alone in a room with him if for some weird reason I bump into him out and about in the city? Nope. Not gonna do that either.

I have no interest in him making any amends toward me for the things he did in my direction.

I have no interest in rebooting a relationship with him. I was only friends with him at one time because I was friends with her, and he was her husband.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Regardless of whether the person is monogamous or polyamorous, any person can hate some people and love others. However, I would say that the people you hate are not a part of your polyamory, by reason of the very definition of the word. You will note that the root meanings of the word are "many" (poly-) and "loves" (-amory). That alone excludes hatred. Now that doesn't mean a polyamorous person can't hate anyone; just like a poly person can also be a swinger, even though swinging is not the same thing as poly, so can a poly person (who "loves many") also hate someone, even though hatred is not a part of poly.

It gets more complicated when, for instance, one poly person hates their metamour. In such an instance, hatred is entangled with the poly. But I would still say that the hatred is distinct from the poly. It would be like tangling two ropes together: one red and one blue. They are hard to separate because they are all tangled together. But they are still two distinct ropes. The red rope isn't the blue rope, and vice versa.

Hopefully that makes sense.
 

Token2

Member
I tend to pity instead of hate - except when someone is a nasty piece of work actively trying to hurt someone I care for... and even then any ill will is short-lived as I focus on being there for the person they are trying to damage.

I had a love that temporarily turned to hate before pity and indifference took over.

I have had many friends who loved to fight and hate - while I observed their friendships turn sour from the sidelines. It was a mechanism I think to avoid taking a good look at themselves and their part in the drama that brought them to that place.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
So we know how many of us feel about poly love, but what about poly hate? Can we truly, deeply hate multiple people, if so, is nre and ore applicable? I think so.

On reflection, if one WAS going to hate some people? Then yeah. I guess there could be new relationship energy -- like a new hatred of someone making one obsess on them lots and all that. Where if one was carrying older grudges and hatreds, one might become comfortable in that. Like ORE. Not obsess on them as much as they used to, but yup. Still hate them.

And if we assume this to be true, then is it safe to say that one would have to maintain balance in this hatred to prevent a dangerous situation

That's what I don't understand. What is being balanced? NRE hatred and ORE hatred? And what is the dangerous situation one is trying to prevent from happening?

I think holding grudges and cultivating hate takes a toll on the body and mind. As well as changing personality -- some people become really sour, bitter, angry, resentful people from hanging on to grudges so much.

Galagirl
 

Inaniel

Active member
I see the human mind as a great expanse, capable of being filled with love or hatred. I do not so much question ones capacity for hatred, rather the consequences to oneself and to others when hatred is chosen.
 
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