Loving without Fear: Cleo's path

Cleo

New member
about Curlz

My relationship with Curlz is developing in a very nice and interesting way ..
Weve been together for 8 months now, and I've gone through some interesting phases of dependancy, attachment and NRE. He became single soon after we met, and this worried me in the beginning, I was fearing that he would start to become too dependant on me. But then NRE kicked in (this only happened a couple of months after we started seeing each other) and I became extremely anxious whenever he went on a date (and he did not go on many) and even worried about women that were not even in the picture yet.

Then Summer happened. The horrible summer of 2012 started with the weekend I spent with MrBrown, where we engaged in some pretty kinky sex for the first time (I don't have much experience with this, and have only started to explore this now with MrB). I came home with bruises, and Ren flipped. This, by the way, was the same week where he found out his GF was cheating on him and he was uncapable of dealing with his emotions and his responses to what I had experienced. He freaked out so much, that I spent all my time and energy reassuring him, and never got around to processing what had actually happened to ME and how I felt about it. All this caused me to emotionally withdraw from Curlz... it was just too much. I did see him, but had a hard time really connecting with him or getting excited about our time together. And then felt guilty about it. Ugh.

Late September Ren and I took a trip together, during which we spent a lot of time talking about his relationship with his GF unfortunately, but also managed to spend some much needed quality time together. After that, I went and spent a couple of days with C...and I don;t know if it was the fact that I had decided to become less focussed on others, and put myself first.. the reading I've been doing, the thinking during the trip.. but it was like something cliked, we had a great time together, I really enjoyed spending time with him, and we had some great and very open and honest talks about us, our relationship, the future.

I am now at the point where I am actually encouraging him to date. I feel that it would bring a certain balance to our relationship, even though I know that there is a good chance that he will find someone who he'll want as a primary relationship.. and of course there's no telling what would happen to me in that case. But I guess I've become so much more secure and confident about myself, and learned so much this summer, that I can see that if this happens, it's what has to happen and I'll find a way to deal with it when the time comes. Meanwhile I am enjoying him, loving him, cherishing the time we spend together.

Last night we had phone sex for the very first time and it was awesome ;)
Sex has never been the easiest part of our relationship, he has trouble performing sometimes (not always, and not often, but it does make the stuff that happens in the bedroom a little strained sometimes). He is still going though a pretty rough divorce, and can be sad and upset about it sometimes, and I definitely feel that this has an impact on his libido and occasional ED. But, he stopped smoking recently, started excercising, got a new job that he loves, and all in all seems mich more comfortable about himself and his life. When we do have sex, it's pretty amazing, very intense and loving ... and I do feel we have so much more to discover and explore there together. I'm going to see him again this weekend, will drive up to his city for a 3-day stay and I'm really looking forward to it.
 

Octopus

New member
Good to hear from you again, and sorry about difficulties this summer. Hopefully things will work themselves out.
 

Cleo

New member
about MrBrown

.... and then there's the elusive MrBrown. My relationship with him (I've known him since december last year) ended up developing differently from what I expected at the start. I think I thought he would have the position Curlz now has... someone to see very often, and to be in touch with, sharing a lot about each others lives, meeting each others friends, etc.
I quickly learned that this was not what he was looking for, and that he wasn't willing to let things grow in that direction. The way it is now, we see each other for an overnight date about once every 4 or 5 weeks, and have very little contact in between. The thing is.... the sex with him is very groundbreaking and boundary pushing for me, and I love that. It took me some time to 'get' that this connection is what it is... he says he loves me, and I believe he does, it's just a relationship that is very much based on his terms and conditions. It's my choice to either accept it or not.

The weekend we spent together earlier this summer was absolutely amazing. The weather was great, we were in a little cottage in the woods, cooked together, spent whole afternoons lying in the grass talking, took a long walk, and had a LOT of sex - most of it pretty kinky (to me at least), my first experiences with bondage, some other stuff I'd never done. I was on a serious high when I got home, but Ren's reactions brought me down pretty quickly. Looking back, I think (like I stated above) that I never got the chance to prcess these new elements of my relationship with MrB because I got so caught up in Ren's reactions to it. This has impacted how I feel about MrB, even though we had some nice dates since, it seems like there is something unresolved there that we need to talk about. Right now, because of my vacation, I haven't seen him for about a month and I'm in no hurry to propose something. I initiated the last 2 dates and I think it's his turn... Also, I feel that I have a too strong tendency to become too dependant on his attention.

I think one problem is that he doesn't see my neediness, he thinks I'm stronger than I actually am, and this creates an issue when I need something from him (like, aftercare after a BDSM experience). He doesn't hink I need it and I need to specifically ask for it, which is sometimes hard for me.

Still learning a lot from our dynamic...
 

Cleo

New member
welcome the Knight

Tonight I have a date with Knight. I'm calling him this because not only does his real name sound like the one a medieval knight would have, he also looks like one: tall, slender but muscular, the smoothest olive colored skin, big brown mischievous eyes, soft dark curls. Yes, I was smitten with him from the very start.

I met him over 2 years ago at a party I was attending with my husband - he was the friend of a friend. He sat at a little bench and when he saw me, motioned to the seat beside him and said: "come sit here, this seat is available."
My husband, who was standing next to me, pushed me forward just a little bit and said: "oh, that's very fortunate, so is she!"

Within 30 minutes we were discussing sex and how convenient it was that we lived near each other', his hand was on my leg and I had butterflies in my stomach. He said the fact that I was married intrigued him and suited him well because he was a very independant guy, and mentioned that he was just coming out of a relationship with a woman who was asking too much of him, smothering him, suffocating him. I heard him mention her but was so convinced that he would be the first big poly love of my life, that I kind of blocked her out.

That was a major mistake, because as it turned out, he was not actually breaking up with her (he wanted to, she did not - he's not the most determined guy when it comes to relationships). He told her about me, she was jealous, slept with someone else, they broke up for a while, then got back together. And all this time I had this crush of crushes on him, couldn't think of anything else, and just could not understand why he would not choose to be with me.

We had some sleepovers but never actual sex - which at first frustrated the hell out of me because I was was SO attracted to him. Then our dates switched to monthly bar crawls where we would stare into each others eyes and talk silly and drink too much, and I would need about a week to recover from that and get him out of my system again. (Btw, all this time the girlfriend knew he occasianlly saw me).
Then, the end of last year, I had enough. I had just met MrBrown, whom reminded me of Knight in many ways - but with one big difference: MrB was always honest and upfront about what he could and could not give me, which was exactly the kind of respect I wasn't getting from Knight. So the beginning of this year, I told Knight I could not see him anymore. I felt really strong and good about it.

Fast forward a couple of months and he emails me that he misses me. I think long and hard about it and decide that I am by now detached enough from him to see him again, as a friend. We spend a lovely evening together and I manage to not fall for him... well maybe just a little bit.. but who can blame me, he is so incredibly cute and hot and charming...

So now we see each other again, about once every 6 weeks. I would say we're friends but he's unlike any of my other friends... I think I would like to call him my NSBF (non-sexual boyfriend), a term I think I stole from redpeppers blog and which seems to fit him really well. I cancelled 2 dates with him this summer when things were so hectic and full of drama.. he still has the power to unnerve and unsettle me, and I could not handle it at the time.

But tonight we have a date! Haven't seen him in about 4 months. I'm very excited, but also quite calm, and just hoping for a good talk and maybe a little cuddle. :)
 

Cleo

New member
Have a lot to process today about my date with Knight. I'm meeting Ren for drinks and dinner later, and am very much looking forward to talking things over with him, there's really no one who I can do that with as well as with him..

There was a moment last night when again, looking into his beautiful face, I started to well up and feel the tears burn. I managed to hold them back, I've been crying on every single one of our dates except the first one.. I don't know what it is about this man but he just GETS to me, it's like I am completely open and psychologically and emotionally naked with him, like he looks into my soul, and he sees that I want him and love him, and then decides he can't love me back.

This isn't really true, I know he loves me, but the entire relationship is functioning under his rules and conditions. We are so very very different when it comes to personalities and what we want from life, from love, from connections.
I know he's never ever going to give me what I want. Why do I still feel attached to him? Am I fooling myself that I can just have friendship with him without the baggage and the misery and the frustration?

He said to me last night: "You know, I would really like to kiss you right now, but I can't , because I spoke to my gf this morning and told her I was meeting you, and now she's on my mind, and I can't kiss you even though I want to."

This sums up what he is and how wrong he is for me.. He's not being honest with himself, and he's giving me crumbs of love while I've been asking for cookies for years. of course it's my fault that I accepted the crumbs until now.

I feel sad today. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be happy with what I have, and am still looking for more. Sometimes I feel its just that I have so much love to give, and that I want to explore so many different types of relationships, learning about myself and love and life along the way. And then on days like today I feel that that is all just a load of arrogant crap and what I'm really doing is desperately looking for validation and attention. I don't know.

Time for my date with Ren, which will ground me a bit I hope.

Am contemplating going to a retreat for a couple of days, end of November... a place without any of my men and a place without internet. I think that would be good for me :)
 

Cleo

New member
Poly saturation about to set in, I think....

had such a lovely weekend with C. Cooked 2 great dinners for him.. it makes me so very happy to cook for someone I love. Also spent some time alone in his house while he was at work, which was great, just the silence and the quiet and also the trust he has in me, giving me his key and letting me in, in so many ways.

I am very, very protective of my house and my space, and it would take me a long time to do this for someone, so it seemed like a really big deal to me. I also realized how weird this is, when you look at it from the outside.. to C., I am his girlfriend, who knows where he keeps the blender and who knows the way to the nearest supermarket and who knows how to handle the weird faucet in the bathroom. But I'm also the woman who goes home to her husband after the weekend, and who is sitting next to said husband on the couch, when he (C) texts me to say that we had such a lovely time and that he misses me. I don't know, there's no drama here, just sometimes it feels like I play a part in some surrealistic indie movie :)

Just when I came home, MrBrown texted me with suggestions for dates. Had to say no to all of them, and after a couple of days he suggested something else and so I'm going to see him next week... we need a good talk about our different communication styles, but I'm looking forward to reconnecting. And SO glad I waited until he was ready and proposed to meet.

But that's not all... did I mention Cute Bi Guy yet? I think I'll call him BG :p met him on OKC, we started emailing. He writes the most beautiful emails that look like letters out of a 19th century novel. I'm a sucker for beautiful language and we got into this highly formal, yet slightly naughtly, witty and smart emailexchange. I have to say the fact that he is bi is a real turn on and so very intriguing. It's one of my most secret sexual fantasies to witness 2 guys having sex...

Anyway, we met for drinks, had a great time, great chemistry, a little kiss when saying goodbeye, lots of emails since, trying to schedule date # 2. No idea where this will go. I'm sure not looking for yet another guy to sleep with and I don't think I could handle another real relationship. But a friendship with a little flirting and maybe some sexual acitivities... hmm... maybe he can help me fulfil this longtime fantasy of mine? ;)

And there's more....
I got an email from a guy I dated a couple months last year. He broke it off because while he knew about my husband from the beginning, he found that he could not really deal with the fact I had more than 1 lover. Not that he wanted me for himself, he wasn't looking for anything serious, it was just too complicated and unsettling for him. We parted on good terms. Now he says he's changed and has become more relaxed about things and would like to meet to catch-up. I really liked him as a person, he's very smart and funny and we always had a great time. We had great sexual chemistry while emailing, flirting, talking and kissing, but the couple of times we had actual sex, this wasn't a huge success... so I'm not really looking to rekindle that part of our relationship. But, like with BG, we'll see where it goes... pfff... my poly plate sure is full.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I don't know, there's no drama here, just sometimes it feels like I play a part in some surrealistic indie movie :)

This totally resonated with me! (had to add it to the quote wall on my profile page).

I'm just bopping along, enjoying life, doing stuff. Boys living life, enjoying selves, doing stuff...then someone will say some random thing and I will have a shift in perspective - and joltingly realize that what seems so "normal" to me (largely, I think, because of the time I spend here) would shock the living daylights out of many of the people that I interact with every day.

For instance, the other week at work a coworker asked if I had change for a $10. I happened to have 17 $1 bills in my purse (weird drive-thru change incident). I jokingly said to her as we swapped bills - "Good thing I still have these, I meant to give them to MrS for the next time he went to the strip club." She jokingly said "I was going to ask where you were working nights, that you had so many $1s." Then she did a double take - "Wait...your husband goes to strips clubs?...and you're OK with that?!"

Meanwhile, the boys go to strip clubs maybe a few times every couple of years as part of a night out with the guys (sometimes I go too :p). What I say is "You know ... for the occasional bachelor party. And, no, I don't mind." While, in the back of my head, I'm thinking - "Well since he doesn't mind that my boyfriend lives with us and sleeps in our bed...it would be hard to begrudge him an occasional eyeful of pretty naked dancing ladies, now wouldn't it?"

:D JaneQ
 
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nycindie

Active member
What I say is "You know ... for the occasional bachelor party. And, no, I don't mind." While, in the back of my head, I'm thinking - "Well since he doesn't mind that my boyfriend lives with us and sleeps in our bed...it would be hard to begrudge him an occasional eyeful of pretty naked dancing ladies, now wouldn't it?"

:D:D Hilarious! :D:D;)
 

Cleo

New member
So yesterday C told me he's opened an OKC account. He told me that while he originally checked the 'available' box and mentioned poly (and me) in his description of himself, he has since taken it out and is now listed as single (and no mention of non-monogamy, poly, multiple relationships, hypothetical or real, in his profile - I just read it).
He says he doesn't want to 'scare' women. He also says that he's been in touch with a couple of women and told them in email and chat about me. So the thing is, I have no reason to doubt him and to think that he's thinking about keeping his relationship with me a secret, but still, for some reason, it doesn't sit well with me that when you read his profile, there no clue about the fact that he is already in a relationship.

I want the best for him - I want him to date - but of course in my ideal world I want him to date someone who would be ok with the fact that he's also with me. Somehow, this development gives me the feeling that I am not that important to him.

I told him yesterday that for me, the status quo is pretty good, and I can see things improving from here - more intimacy, more integration in each others lives. So for me, what I want is pretty clear. I'm committed to my husband and I'm, committed to C.
Am I being childish in thinking he is not that committed to me?
 
I would take the sign that he originally posted about you and poly in his profile to mean you are important to him. We all know how many men feel like they are a pariah to most all women if they say they are non monogamous - it doesn't sit right with me to say single either, but I can certainly understand it on an intellectual level.

Have you thought of discussing with him about if he's going to be open to introducing you to people he dates if he likes them enough to date them for a certain time? I think for me being open to that (whether or not it happens) would be enough to make me shake the feelings. Have you considered if there are any other things going on that make you wonder if he's not committed? Has he told you he is (or has he not, and so you being clear to yourself you are committed to him make you feel it might be a bit imbalanced?) Does he show you your importance in other ways like how he treats you around friends or family or are there other things he does to make you feel valued that you might be overlooking because of your feelings about the OKC profile? Don't worry, not expecting answers, just throwing out some food for thought!
 

Cleo

New member
Does he show you your importance in other ways like how he treats you around friends or family or are there other things he does to make you feel valued that you might be overlooking because of your feelings about the OKC profile?

I do feel that he is commited to me in the present. I've met his kids, some of his friends, we have plans for the holidays, he tells me he loves me, and he gives me a lot of attention.
I guess my fear is that he will meet a woman who has issues with non-monogamy, and that he will like her so much that he'll want to be monogamous with her... but yeah, he could meet that woman anywhere, not just on OKC... and I know that there's no tellng what the future will bring.

We did have a good email conversation about it yesterday... I mentioned to him that while I understood his motives, it did upset me just a little... and that I did not say that to make him change his mind, but just to share my feelings. I feel really safe bringing things up with him. He's a great guy and I love him so much :)
 

Cleo

New member
In other news.. I just found out one of my closest friends is having an affair :( I already suspected it and suspicions were confirmed. She's always been really supportive of me and I'm having a difficult time with this. She's asked me not to tell my husband (husband and I know her boyfriend well). I hate that there's something I can't tell my husband. I'm not going to because I want to respect this wish of hers.. but I think I do want to tell her that I don't want to socialize with them as a couple while this is going on.. ugh.

She always mentions how great it is what I'm doing, with the honesty and openness, but she can't do this herself.. I don't want to judge her but feel so bad for her boyfriend. Ugh, again.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
She's asked me not to tell my husband (husband and I know her boyfriend well). I hate that there's something I can't tell my husband. I'm not going to because I want to respect this wish of hers.. but I think I do want to tell her that I don't want to socialize with them as a couple while this is going on.. ugh.

...Ugh, again.

Ugh indeed! I am sorry your friend has put you in this position. :(

I have made it known to my friends that I will never allow myself to be put in this position - and if they are truly my friend then they will never ask me to.

It's not that I turn around and report to MrS everything that is told to me (quite honestly, he is just usually not that interested), but if something came up in conversation on a given topic I don't want to have to filter out "secrets" - so don't tell me if it's a "secret".

Interestingly, MrS came to the same conclusion on his own behalf (it's not as though we have a "rule" about it or anything). I tell a story in my blog here about where he was on a trip with a friend who wanted to go to a strip club but didn't want his wife to know. MrS refused to go if it was supposed to be a "secret" - he wouldn't remember to not mention it to me if it came up, he knew that I wouldn't remember to not mention it to her if it came up - better not to even bother.:rolleyes:

JaneQ
 

Cleo

New member
After lying awake for hours one night thinking about my friend who's having the affair, I did tell my husband (without telling him who the guy is). I can't lie to him about the reason I'm up half the night!

I texted her to let her know we need to talk, without going into specifics. I need to tell her I told my husband. I also need to tell her a mutual friend is suspicious and sort of ' guessed' what's going on. It's been 3 days since I texted her and she hasn't replied.

Lies. I hate them. I've been thinking about it for days. Lies are really, really poisonous, it's like they touch everything and just turn all human relationships into slimy rotten stinky messes.
Ok, one more ugh! and now I'm done.

**************

Am going to see C again tomorrow. I had a little break down this weekend when he went on an OKC date. We need to talk about rules and boundaries for our relationship - we've never really done that, and after 10 months, it's time.

I'm going to ask him not tell me before hand when he's going on a first date. Just fantasizing about it makes me so terribly anxious.
I want us both to be free yet committed to each other. Still thinking about what the rules and agreements should be about this. I go on dates sometimes, that never go beyond a bit of flirting and sometimes kissing. He's asked me not to talk about every single date, but to tell me when I feel something happens that would change things between me and him. But how am I to decide?

We seem to be in a kind of odd space where on the one hand things are developing towards a more serious and committed relationship (he's coming to stay the night in a couple of weeks, when my husband will also be home, he's giving me his key, etc) while on the other hand we are still very autonomous.
We email and text daily but lots of days we don't know what the other person is doing or who they're with. (The texts can be just to wish each other a nice day, say goodnight etc). So there's this constant back and forth between connection and freedom. I find it confusing, hopefully the talk tomorrow will help.
 

Cleo

New member
I've asked Curlz to not tell me beforehand when he goes on a date. Other than that, we did not really negotiate any new rules or boundaries. I need his reassurance that he will still want me in his life but of course he can't give me that. Our positions are so different - I'm happy with what is and only looking for on occasional flirty thing on the side. He's looking for an actual relationship, one that will be more 'primary' than I am now to him. There's no telling what that will do to my place in his life. It's accepting this uncertainty which is the hardest for me. And also I want to make sure that because of this uncertainty I don't start to withdraw, which is my go-to mechanism when I feel unloved.

****************

woke up to an email from Knight this morning, one line, that said he was thinking of me. Don't know what to do with that. The email was titled ' short - long' so I replied and asked what does that mean? He replies and says ' short email - too long since we've seen each other' . Its only been 3 weeks or so, we've gone much longer without seeing each other. I was just about to let him slip away from my system and poof there he is. He always, always manages to do this.

*****************

had to cancel my second date with Cute Bi Guy this weekend because I was sick. We've only met once and I know how tricky a cancelled date can be, and I was a little worried that he wouldn't take it well. But he's been texting me sweet get-well-soon messages yesterday... he really seems like a great guy... and so cute :)

*****************

I asked MrBrown to go away with me for the weekend some time in december, it will be around our one year anniversary. I booked a nice place and he said yes :) It's more than a month away and I probably won;t see him before that, but I'm ok with that. I'm always most content when I have a date lined up with him, and it doesn't really matter how far in the future it is.

Now, I just have to shake this cold, because I have a lot of fun things planned for this week, culminating in C's first sleepover-with-husband-present this weekend....
 

Cleo

New member
Here are some quotes from nycindie's blog... been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. (I added the color). Quoted it here to have it for easy reference.

Today I read something in a self-help book that suddenly changed my outlook. I can't even clearly say the process I went through, but it's all about getting used to things a certain way in my relationship, and having expectations because I had stopped seeing our relationship and who he is clearly. I was living with expectations for things to keep going the same as they had been, and my desire for us to become closer, instead of being awake and aware of things as they ARE RIGHT NOW, and now, and now, and now, and now... Life is always changing! I was taking him and our dynamic for granted, and then when he announced this change - having another relationship with someone else - I perceived that change as a threat to me. The limbic part of the brain sees drastic shifts in the environment as threats - fight or flight. And I made sure not to beat myself up for going into that kind of negative thinking, which can be very addictive.

So, this book I read talked about having preferences rather than demands, to change our programming from demanding and expecting what we want to having a preference but being okay with not getting what we want. You have more of a chance at being happy that way, rather than disappointed, and you change the quality of the energy you direct at others by doing so, which means that more loving, positive energy comes back to you. .



It's an old one from the 70s which continues to be reprinted - The Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr.
(...)

The addiction, as I understand it, comes from being unaware of where our thought patterns lead us. And also, not wanting to grow up and take responsibility, as well as living in the past or future rather than the here and now. We are conditioned as babies and young children to make lots of noise when we want something and to have an emotional response when we either get it or not. We associate getting those things as necessary for our happiness. Keyes says it's perfectly fine to want things but to hold them as preferences so that there isn't as much attachment to the outcome, and to direct love out to the world whether we get those things or not. This frees us to feel what we feel and be satisfied with life even if we don't get our way. But he goes into addiction a lot more in the book. Humans like rhythms, routine, patterns. Basically being upset about stuff is usually part of a way of thinking that has become a pattern we keep following even if not satisfying.

So, C. lives 3 hours away, but just from the pattern and content of his texting yesterday, I knew he was on a date. And it turned out he was.
Why am I so afraid of this? My anxiety was through the roof this morning. I can't seem to find the switch I have to flip to NOT be scared of losing him.

How wonderful woud it be if I could say, referring to the Keyes quote above, "I would prefer to stay in a relationship with him. There are no signs that this is going to change, but of course it could change, because everything can change. But I won't attach myself to this wish and I won't demand that I get what I want - staying in a relationship with him. Instead, I will continue to love him and be loved by him, and live the present, because the present is pretty damn good".

oh, so difficult.
 

Cleo

New member
welll... that was a pretty awesome weekend.

As I described here, I had discussed with Ren the possibillitites of having Curlz over for a sleep over while he (Ren) was also at home. C. has already spent a number of nights at my house, but on all these oocasions, Ren was spending the night elsewhere.
Ren said he was in favor of this, C. was happy to be invited, so this past Sunday, it was time :)
I went to C.'s house the day before, and on Sunday, we both travelled to my city. Went to my house to drop of the bags. I went to my room to change, and as I was rushing to get ready I heard Ren and C. quietly chatting downstairs and all of a sudden I thought "I don;t have to rush, they'll be ok, they won't kill each other, they are supposed to spend time together to get to know each other"!

C. and I had a lovely day in the city, then went home where Ren was, I cooked dinner and we sat down to dinner the 3 of us. While I was cooking they sat with me in the kitchen, we all chatted, I had moments when I just wanted to pinch myself I could not believe how easy and relaxed it all was...

After dinner Ren went to meet a friend and C. and I headed out to see a show. We ran in to a couple of my friends, and those meetings were, too, very relaxed.
Later that night we met up with Rens and another friend in a bar, and as I was sitting between Ren and C., they both took turns in giving me some attention... no overt PDA's just a light hand on my back, a little squeezing of my knee... I felt so warm, loved, and calm.

We all went home and went to sleep in 3 different rooms. I woke up in the middle of the night, the house was so quiet, and I just lay there thinking how beautiful it felt to have both guys in the house with me, sleeping, peaceful.

The next morning Ren shook C.'s hand after breakfast and said "see you next time".
I can see this happening again, it doesn't have to be often for me, but the fact that it's possible has just made all the difference.

*******************

and if that wasn't excitement enough... I came out to my parents the next day.
I'd been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm not very close to my parents, and we almost never talk about feelings, most of our conversations are of the 'what did you do - where did you go' kind. But that was exactly what made conversations difficult lately, because I found myself lying to them about where I'd been and with whom.

I kept thinking about what a big deal I'm making about my friend who's having the affir and how I feel that lies are toxic, and I thought, I have to see this through.
So I went over there and started by telling them "Ren and I are still very happy together and we're NOT getting a divorce".
Then I said "but we both also see other people".
Then I said "If this makes you uncomfortable we don;t have to discuss it any further. If you want to ask questions, you can, or we can leave it at this. But I don't want to lie to you anymore, so on occasion, I will say "I was with my BF this weekend"or "Ren is on a trip with his GF".

They were shocked, and did not really know what to say (besides 'we're oldfashioned so we don't understand this')
I kept emphasizing that I am happy, that Ren and I are happy, and that I understand that it's difficult for them, but that I just no longer wanted to lie.

I'm not completely sure how they took it. I called today but we did not talk about it. I'm going to let them adjust for a bit and see if they come up with questions.

But me? I'm so terribly terribly relieved.
It's like a weight has been lifted and like I'm a new person. It's like I look at my life and my relationships differently now... with such a sense of calm.
I think its the fact that I've been dreading this, and did it.. it's an example of practice what I preach.

I'm proud of myself, happy with my life and my loves.
Life is good.
 

Fiona

New member
What a great way to put it! I'm glad that you feel better. I've been thinking of ways to do the same thing, but my parents are very conservative and I cannot imagine it going at all well. I hope that yours continue to respond positively.
 
Sheesh your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad things went so well with your partners, and I really hope your parents keep taking it in stride, one never knows how those conversations are going to go, and I remember how much relief I felt to get that part over with!

*hug*
 
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