Making frenemies...?

RobynsMom

New member
My husband and I have been together 3 years, have a toddler, and have always had the intention of having an open relationship.

We practice transparency, talk about polyamory, what we want, what we don't want, etc, etc.

Our families know, mostly, that we have an open relationship.

About 8 months ago, we moved to a new area of the country. Its a progressive, small city.

Its been slow meeting people since we work a lot and I also go to school, but over the last few months we've been spending more time with a couple that also has a toddler, who seem like pretty conscious folks.

We hadn't told them that we were poly because our priority was just making friends and finding playmates for our young child.

Recently, after some drinks, I came out to them as having an open relationship, but didn't suggest or intimate that I was interested in either of them, nor was my husband. Rather, we simply told them it was a relief not having to hide that part of ourselves in conversation with people we were friends with..

Incidentally, I am attracted to the male partner in their dyad; something really clicks for us, but we're not flirty or by any means acting interested in either of them.

Since I told them, her demeanor has changed towards me. I occasionally volunteer or have hours on their farm, and work alongside the male partner during the week. The last time we did, he was very expressive in his personal interest in polyamory, but that he would never want to because his partner has many abandonment issues and cannot conceive of being poly. He picked my brain about polyamory.

I never told him I was attracted to him, didn't give him any signs or eyes... but he told me that since she learned I'm poly, his partner might not want me volunteering or working there in the future.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, but I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook.

Now, she seems cold and maybe even a little competitive with me.

I'm scared that I have alienated her. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a non-consensual relationship with her partner, or even admitting my crush given her perspective.


Any words of advice to me? I'm a newbie at disclosure. Can I make it right again?
 
Sorry you have experienced it but sadly some people will never be comfortable with it, when she thought you were a normal 'married' type you were safe, now she is simply treating you like she probably treats single women, as a threat.
 
without creating problems, ... in your shoes, i'd try my darnedest to be rid of the 'crush' feelings you have for the other husband. personally i'd be concerned that he may be curious in thinking he could get casual sex out of the deal :(

as for the wife, ... people confronted with things they're not comfortable with can do one of two things, inquire to figure out what is going on (the hubby), or refuse to talk about it and let their mind fill with all the worst case scenarios imaginable (the wife)

we know how important communication is to overcome jealousy and whatever other issues and insecurities we may have, ... if we talk about them we can realize what is going on and find that they were just imaginations and not real, ... if we don't talk about them, it has a tendency to ruin one or more of our relationships.

as i write this i think more about things, ...

if hubby is honestly curious, that's fine, he's sharing his wives thoughts.
if the wife is feeling threatened by you, ... those are her insecurities, then it becomes important that she knows you are honestly not interested in her husband.

she's obviously not comfortable talking about it, and is very comfortable letting her insecurities rule her mind.

if you leave, her insecurities will still rule her mind where her husband is concerned.

leave or stay depending on if it's worth trying to work things out or if that becomes too much work.

if you stay, sit down and talk with the wife, everyone at the table, she will either decide forget it (also that it's too much work to be worth staying), or she starts to see that what's really going on is different from her imaginations

then your child still has a playdate :)

... if things change down the road (she has warmed up to at least consider you friendly enough to still be friends), if you can't get rid of your crush, wait for her to mention something directly to you, ... i just think if hubby said something, i'd be overly worried it's without the wives consent ... tell him to have his wife tell you it's alright instead. (then act like you had only been thinking about it since hubby first said anything and your just starting to consider the possibilities)
 
if everything turns out well, i could guess that if she finds you've been thinking about her man since now, no matter how far she's come she'll never trust you or your hubby again.
 
thanks

Thanks everyone, good food for thought.

Tabling my crush indefinitely won't be a big deal for me. I will keep it between my hubby and myself. Just file it under all the other one's that got away. : )

I did have the idea to ask for a few minutes of her time to sit down and ask her how she was feeling and if she wanted to talk about it (not being poly, but my intentions).

I was thinking of establishing a boundary where I didn't discuss polyamory with her partner. He is a very inquiring mind, and although I don't think he wants casual sex or to cheat on his partner, he is very curious about it and very open about his desire for sex with other people even though he will remain monogamous with his partner (seems like trouble down the line for them, but thats my private opine.)

The problem I see is that she resents me for being open to conversations on taboo subjects with her partner, irrespective of my interest or lack thereof in either of them. That's the feeling I'm getting... that its more about the breaking of the taboo thats driving the tensions... Perhaps she feels sex is something only she can talk about with him... yet, oddly, he is very "sex-positive" and frank in his communication with others. Hmm..
 
Thoughts

Honestly, this is why I don't have married friends outside of the poly community. It's simply not worth the hassle.

As a bit of advice, I've never done, but hope the chance will come soon with my current relationship, if you actually want this relationship to continue, I'd suggest this: Tell her you need to sit down and talk. Then simply and concisely state that, yes, you are poly, but that you feel this has led her to believe you are after her husband, and that is not the case. And that you hope this won't affect the children's friendship (guilt trip? a little, but seriously, she needs to grow up). My guess is she'll react by denying she had any such thoughts (she'll likely not want to admit to her insecurities!), and you'll have squashed any argument she might have come up with in her head to use against you in future ("I always KNEW you were secretly after my husband!").

Even if it doesn't work, she'll have no standing to keep up this fake reality in her head of what she KNOWS you're really like.
 
yes

Thats really great advice about the meeting. I can see it playing out that way. Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate it.
 
Just talk. You haven't alienated her. She's withdrawing herself. Maybe email her what you just said. Maybe like...

"I was wondering if you could be willing to talk and clear the air?

Your husband told me that since you learned I'm poly, you might not want me volunteering or working here in the future. I am sorry if anything I said made you uncomfortable. I want to make my intentions clear.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, and my coming out to you was because I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook. Become authentic friends. Now, you seem cold and maybe even a little competitive with me. Maybe I'm perceiving that wrong.

I'm scared that I have alienated you. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with your or your partner. My intention is/was to grow as friends and get to know each other better, not rope off your partner or stir up bad feelings in you.

Could you be willing to keep growing the friendship? Or would you prefer we break off growing the friendship? I would like to know where you stand."​

There. Ball's in her court.

If she wants to do the friend break up -- just say "I see. I'm sorry you don't want to grow as friends. But I'll respect your limit." And walk away.

Could not lean away from potential conflict. Could lean into it and just get it resolved one way or another. It isn't because you are horrible or anything. She just never had to deal with this before or she doesn't WANT to have to deal with this or both. If she's not willing to participate in a friendship because of her own baggage, so be it. But walk away leaving her with doubt -- "Those poly people are... nice and normal?" Then maybe the next time she encounters a poly person as a friend she'll wig less.

OR... maybe it all gets sorted out and there. Friendship grown from having this experience.

I'll hope for the best.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
my husband and I's relationship and outlook.

My and my husband's relationship.

MY AND MY HUSBAND's relationship. (or My husband's and my [whatever].)

NOT "my husband and I's" ANYTHING.

There is NO.SUCH.THING as "[...] and I's".

EVER.

That is all.
 
My and my husband's relationship.

MY AND MY HUSBAND's relationship. (or My husband's and my [whatever].)

NOT "my husband and I's" ANYTHING.

There is NO.SUCH.THING as "[...] and I's".

EVER.

That is all.

Lol. Well then. Glad to have that cleared up. Its interesting that, when correcting grammar, you've neglected to apply similar grammatical principles of structure to your own sentences. JUST.SAYING.

Shoot, my husband and I's dinner is gonna burn.. Gotta run.
 
Really like what you wrote. Thank you.

Just talk. You haven't alienated her. She's withdrawing herself. Maybe email her what you just said. Maybe like...

"I was wondering if you could be willing to talk and clear the air?

Your husband told me that since you learned I'm poly, you might not want me volunteering or working here in the future. I am sorry if anything I said made you uncomfortable. I want to make my intentions clear.

My heart is a little sore because I was happy in our friendship as it was, and my coming out to you was because I wanted to be honest about my husband and I's relationship and outlook. Become authentic friends. Now, you seem cold and maybe even a little competitive with me. Maybe I'm perceiving that wrong.

I'm scared that I have alienated you. Our children love spending time together, and I don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with your or your partner. My intention is/was to grow as friends and get to know each other better, not rope off your partner or stir up bad feelings in you.

Could you be willing to keep growing the friendship? Or would you prefer we break off growing the friendship? I would like to know where you stand."​

There. Ball's in her court.

If she wants to do the friend break up -- just say "I see. I'm sorry you don't want to grow as friends. But I'll respect your limit." And walk away.

Could not lean away from potential conflict. Could lean into it and just get it resolved one way or another. It isn't because you are horrible or anything. She just never had to deal with this before or she doesn't WANT to have to deal with this or both. If she's not willing to participate in a friendship because of her own baggage, so be it. But walk away leaving her with doubt -- "Those poly people are... nice and normal?" Then maybe the next time she encounters a poly person as a friend she'll wig less.

OR... maybe it all gets sorted out and there. Friendship grown from having this experience.

I'll hope for the best.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Lol. Well then. Glad to have that cleared up. Its interesting that, when correcting grammar, you've neglected to apply similar grammatical principles of structure to your own sentences. JUST.SAYING.

Shoot, my husband and I's dinner is gonna burn.. Gotta run.

Yes, sometimes I get lazy when I'm in a hurry and/or on the ipod, but this particular wrongness is usually due to ignorance (not knowing any better), not laziness.

But by all means, I want to know if I am wrong so I can correct it, not so I can just thumb my nose at people who are trying to help me out.

So maybe you should pay more attention to you're and you're husband's dinner instead of my constructive criticism, and perhaps you won't have to eat that nasty black crud that was supposed to be food.

ETA: clearly you were fibbing about your burning dinner or you wouldn't have bothered to respond to gala Girl separately less than a minute later. But point taken. You think she's fabulous and I, not so much.
 
Last edited:
Hey... I get it. Smarmy corrections of your ignorant peers so that the online world is a better place.

More often then not, I have wonderful writing skills. I think that when I'm writing in a more relaxed environment, not in an academic setting, I become more laid back and less fixated on the "right way" to say something, and more about the flow of language and what is expressed.

I think you're trolling, btw.



Yes, sometimes I get lazy when I'm in a hurry and/or on the ipod, but this particular wrongness is usually due to ignorance (not knowing any better), not laziness.

But by all means, I want to know if I am wrong so I can correct it, not so I can just thumb my nose at people who are trying to help me out.

So maybe you should pay more attention to you're and you're husband's dinner instead of my constructive criticism, and perhaps you won't have to eat that nasty black crud that was supposed to be food.

ETA: clearly you were fibbing about your burning dinner or you wouldn't have bothered to respond to gala Girl separately less than a minute later. But point taken. You think she's fabulous and I, not so much.
 
Perhaps not for what he was trying to say. I read it as "You think she's fabulous and I don't (think she's fabulous)".
 
Perhaps not for what he was trying to say. I read it as "You think she's fabulous and I don't (think she's fabulous)".

Yes, it could be read that way as well. All the more reason to express oneself in an unambiguous fashion unless one intends to leave readers in a state of unclarity.
 
You didn't alienate anyone

and the mistake that many people make is to not say something to people that you are becoming more than just acquaintances with. It is a very touchy subject and no right way or right timing is the best way as it is completely dependent of the person.

But in general, it's always bad to not be completely respectful of other relationships as even innocent flirting can be a problem if they are friends you think you might come out to at any point in the future.

It sounds like you handled everything the absolute best you could, and in the end that is all you can do. Some people cannot be informed without taking it bad, however I do believe that if you thought enough of them to think the would handle it OK, then there is probably a way that it can be done. So remember that being caught off guard typically brings a repelling reactions so make sure you are open and inviting is she ever initiates questions or hints she wants to discuss it. Some people are horrible at apologizing even if it was only a reaction and understandable.

You are going to need to be very cautious about interacting with the husband as you never really know what is going on between them unless you spend every waking moment with them. Some people are so afraid of living honestly or having to deal with the reality of life and how they really feel that it becomes habit to put on an act.

Being afraid to be who you are when you understand how to consciously care about those you don't personally know if one of the saddest things in this world that happens to otherwise "privileged" life, such as that of Americans, Canadians, and European Countries.

A life lived honestly in a conscious and aware manner so that you understand who you truly are is so different from an life wherein you feel like you have to hide. There is a night and day difference between the quality of those two lives that it could be described as heaven and hell -- even when they person who remained hidden thinks the had a great life -- mostly because they aren't aware that they have yet to live it.

Because most people truly don't understand these things, it's as if the majority of civilization has pathological sickness, except nobody recognizes it.

We use all of the really terrible occurrences that men bring upon other men as an excuse to call the status quo "fine" but it is not fine at all.

The clearest indication of severely unhealthy psychological frame of mind is the fact that many people have an easier time showing their true self to complete strangers or only with anonymity, rather than the freedom that comes from living a liberated life with people you love. Not very many many people truly understand what Love is, because there is no such thing as understanding Love, but not being able to surrender completely.

Those who do not surrender, do not understand it at all. And those who do, know exactly what I mean
 
I couldn't agree more with what you've said. Thank you for the words of wisdom. I tend to be very empathic and take a mindful approach to the perspective of the other, which can lead me to feeling exhausted when dealing with these kinds of matters where others are acting unconsciously out of their own insecurities.

What makes this scenario even more difficult, being someone in the poly community, is that male partner is very physically and emotionally expressive to other people- men and women.

It is very likely that he is poly, but hasn't reconciled that with his long term relationship with this woman.

I agree that I need to be very cautious. I don't think he intentionally uses physical consistently in order to conceal the expression of any kind of sexual attraction, but that is how it feels to me... I'm not sure how to draw up a boundary that isn't off-putting. Maybe just not responding with the warm, lingering hugs that he doles out to any and everyone?

Dunno... but I do have a tremendous amount of respect for their relationship in whatever form they want it to be. **sigh**
 
If his hugs make you uncomfortable? Could keep it simple -- don't hug. You see him coming? Could stick out your hand for a handshake and head him off. Could tell him to dial it down with the hugs around you. He'll get the message.

If he asks why -- could point to his wife's discomfort and your desire to not rock the boat and be respectful.

It doesn't have to be a bigger thing than that.

GG
 
Last edited:
No way in hell would I ever recommend saying to the wife that she seems cold and competitive to you. I also would not do this in an email - it should be face-to-face so you can look into her eyes, read body language, be ready with a hug, etc. Nor would I tell her that her husband relayed the information that she might not want to have you over. That, to me, is poor advice. You had a conversation with the husband, now have a conversation with her. Leave him out of it. Follow what Flowerchild said - her advice is much better than GaglaGirl's in this case.

Keep It Simple, Sweetie.
 
Back
Top