Managing Expectations and Dealing with Road-blocks

[bluehearts200]

My husband and I have been in an open relationship for about a year. Because of my husband's work he is only home 3 weekends per month. I usually have the apartment to myself. I searched for months to find the right extra-marital partner. Finally, I met a handsome guy online who is a scientist working in stem cell research. Let's call him David. We've been seeing each other for a little over two months.

From the beginning planning dates with David has been a bit hard. I only had 3 afternoons and 4 evenings available per week. He’s usually not available in the evenings. He has been able to free up some time in his work schedule so that he could meet me one afternoon during the week at my place. Max time we've ever spent together in one afternoon has been about 4 hours.

Every week I looked forward to seeing David. But soon I felt like our relationship was trapped in a bubble – a few hours one afternoon at my place, that's it. Meeting up at his place hasn't been an option thus far. We were able to take a short walk in the park once, and one day I even convinced him to take me to a sex shop (but when we got there it was closed) but that's been the extent of our adventures. I've always wanted to have more fun with him, but nothing has ever worked out.

So finally the weekend when my husband is away was about to roll around. I had my fingers crossed hoping that I would finally get to spend a day with David. I check in with David 3 weeks in advance to see if he would be free. Somehow there was a miscommunication in our text messages (and by the way we only text) . I thought he said he would be available when but it turned out that he actually wasn't. I was disappointed, and was ready to tell him how I had been feeling about the relationship.

I sent him this text:

David I am disappointed about the quality of the time we spend together. Some sex, a walk in the park, trip to the supermarket, failed excursion to a sex shop isn't exciting for me. Im becoming bored/ frustrated. And I know my schedule is partially to blame. But it really sucks that evenings are never an option for you.

I crave some adventure with my new lover -- like going out for drinks, a movie, museum trip, night club, poetry jams, strip club, dinner, comedy shows, etc. This isnt realistic for every week but maybe once a month would be nice.

Starting January my schedule should more open. class 2 evenings a week and work in the mornings. I hope we can find a way to work toward something that satisfies the both of us.


Later that night I messaged him apologizing for coming on too strong. It’s been 4 days and still no response from him. I feel like I spoiled everything, but am also angry that we couldn’t talk about this more. I am new at this open relationship thing, and want to learn and grow from this experience. Looking for some wisdom from those of you who have been at this for longer than I have.

 

[wildflowers]

Is it possible that David was cheating on someone else/just having a fling, and then changed his mind? Thats how it reads to me. What did he say he was looking for, and how did he describe his situation?

It doesn't sound to me like you spoiled everything; it sounds more like you got involved with someone whose expectations don't match yours. You've only know him two months, and not seen him all that much. Given your dissatisfaction, why do you want to pursue this relationship, rather than looking for someone who's a better match?

I'd be inclined to spend more time getting to know the next person- confirming that you have compatible interests, schedules, communication styles. You seem to want someone who's interested in more than sex, so make sure that's what you find.

Sorry this didn't work out for you. And the lack of communication is tough to deal with, so it's understandable that you're angry, but I think you can also just take it as proof that he's not a good match for you and you're better off without him.

 

[BeingRose]

Yeah, the lack of communication is a red flag to me. Is it possible to actually talk to him on the phone? I've found that, though I often prefer to text because it takes up less time and feels less vulnerable, I find that talking is almost always better than texting. I've had a lot of miscommunication and dropped communication with my partner when I've relied on electronic communications, so I've started calling more often, and it's much better.

At the very least, I'd suggest calling him and talking voice-to-voice about this.

I know it can be scary, because you might hear something you don't want to hear, but it's better than waiting around and wondering what's going on. And if you call and leave a message and he doesn't call back, you have your answer. He's just not into you.

Good luck!

 

[bluehearts200]

Is it possible that David was cheating on someone else/just having a fling, and then changed his mind? Thats how it reads to me. What did he say he was looking for, and how did he describe his situation?

It doesn't sound to me like you spoiled everything; it sounds more like you got involved with someone whose expectations don't match yours. You've only know him two months, and not seen him all that much. Given your dissatisfaction, why do you want to pursue this relationship, rather than looking for someone who's a better match?

I'd be inclined to spend more time getting to know the next person- confirming that you have compatible interests, schedules, communication styles. You seem to want someone who's interested in more than sex, so make sure that's what you find.

Sorry this didn't work out for you. And the lack of communication is tough to deal with, so it's understandable that you're angry, but I think you can also just take it as proof that he's not a good match for you and you're better off without him.

It does sound like he might be having an affair doesn't it? I've asked him about it but he swears he is single. But you're right, it might be time to move on.

 

[bluehearts200]

Yeah, the lack of communication is a red flag to me. Is it possible to actually talk to him on the phone? I've found that, though I often prefer to text because it takes up less time and feels less vulnerable, I find that talking is almost always better than texting. I've had a lot of miscommunication and dropped communication with my partner when I've relied on electronic communications, so I've started calling more often, and it's much better.

At the very least, I'd suggest calling him and talking voice-to-voice about this.

I know it can be scary, because you might hear something you don't want to hear, but it's better than waiting around and wondering what's going on. And if you call and leave a message and he doesn't call back, you have your answer. He's just not into you.

Good luck!

Not being into me and him being afraid to stray from his comfort zone are two different things. But you are right about the importance of having a voice-to-voice chat though.

 

[Marcus]

David I am disappointed about the quality of the time we spend together.

I would say that the title of your post hits the nail on the head, managing your expectations is exactly what you should be looking at.

He *could* be married, or he *could* just be busy with any of a hundred things other than being with you during his busy hours.

If your requirement is that he spend X number of hours with you a week then just be honest with yourself and stop wasting everyones time. If, on the other hand you are capable of appreciating what this fellow has to offer then enjoy it. It's up to you to decide what you want in your life and how strict your expectations are. However, this back-and-forth about what he might or might not be doing with his time *instead* of meeting your needs aren't getting either of you anywhere.