Married and in love with 2

A

AnotherConfused

New member
I've been married for 11 happy years and could not imagine a better husband. We express our love to each other in many ways every single day. I always imagined that people who have affairs are seeking something that is missing or unhappy in their marriage, but lately (the past year) I just can't deny that I am in love with another man. I think about "polyamory" and wonder if this describes my mindset. I don't know.

Just as we can fantasize about all sorts of sexual situations we really wouldn't feel comfortable acting out, I can imagine that I would love to have multiple lovers in my life -but I suspect that my marriage would lose its uncommon sweetness. Especially as I can't imagine my husband ever wanting me to be with another man. I'm not only the only woman he's been with, but the only one he's ever even kissed, or fallen in love with, or been close to in any way other than family closeness. He is totally content that way. (I, on the other hand, love to sift through memories of the other men I had been with before we met.)

This other man... he lights me up inside. He breathes passion back into my life. He understands parts of me that no one else does. (He has known me about 20 years.) He also makes me feel so incredibly sexy that whenever we spend time together, I end up running off to my husband afterwards for incredible hot sex for days, or weeks. At times, that has repaired some stale times in our marriage.

My husband is happy with me having friends, male and female. He is content with my going off dancing every week while he stays home with the kids. (Sometimes I take a daughter with me; rarely, we get a sitter or the whole family goes.) He is not a jealous man and has befriended every ex-boyfriend or ex-lover of mine he has met, with honest gratitude for any happiness they had given me. Yet I know his pride would be crushed if he thought I needed another man as a lover. He has traditional ideas about marriage. He grew up in another culture, more restricted than ours.

My "other man" lives a couple of hours away, so we don't meet often. He has a girlfriend, and a kid living at home, so we are alone very very rarely. We don't intend to have sex, because of the hurt it would cause others and the risk to our friendship. (Not that it would destroy the dynamic between us, but that our loved ones would no longer want us to be friends.) I can make that sacrifice, much as I know I'd enjoy being his lover. My heart aches for him sometimes though. We talk on the phone sometimes and an hour flies by before we get out half of what we wanted to say.

I guess what I want to know is whether polyamory, the concept, the lifestyle, the perspective, has any answers for me. If it's really about multiple "loves", more than just about multiple sex partners, then is this what I am living? How do I do this without causing anyone pain? My husband knows I enjoy seeing the other man, but does he need to know I enjoy kissing him too? Should I stop kissing him, as one friend of mine advises? (I feel more guilty about loving him -something I can't help -than about kissing him.) I have told my husband that I feel more sexual when my friend compliments my body or looks at me like he wants me -but should I tell him when he had that "highest climax of his life" the other night, it had a lot to do with my friend having recently whispered orgasmic descriptions of my favorite fantasies in my ear?

What to do?
 
try doing some searches on here. there is a lot of info and a lot of what you talk about has been discussed before. you are not alone :)
 
Sorry for the bluntness but...

AnotherConfused said:
My husband knows I enjoy seeing the other man, but does he need to know I enjoy kissing him too? Should I stop kissing him, as one friend of mine advises? (I feel more guilty about loving him -something I can't help -than about kissing him.) I have told my husband that I feel more sexual when my friend compliments my body or looks at me like he wants me -but should I tell him when he had that "highest climax of his life" the other night, it had a lot to do with my friend having recently whispered orgasmic descriptions of my favorite fantasies in my ear?

What to do?
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Poly does have something to offer you. It has an avenue to recapture some lost integrity I think. I doubt that many people would not consider the actions described above as anything but an affair. I'm not judging but trying to point out what I believe is obvious.

If you reverse the situation and it is your husband who has another woman whispering fantasies in his ear and kissing him without your knowledge would you see it any other way?

You have already crossed certain boundaries I believe. Unless you plan on stopping the above mentioned behaviour than I think you owe it to your husband out of respect to broach the topic of polyamory to at least give him the option.

Either way, you're on a path that I am not unfamiliar with. Please don't think that I am attacking you, but please don't think that your husband won't be affected by what you have already done.

If you love your husband then don't play him for a fool....because that is probably what he will feel like unless you are honest with him.

Give poly a try if you love both of them.
 
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Thank you, I don't feel attacked and I do appreciate bluntness. I have already labelled this an affair in my mind. I feel like I am living this compromise between what I'd really like and what I know my husband would prefer, and the fantasy whispering was certainly taking things beyond where I had meant for them to go. (It happened once. Kissing crept in years ago, with those innocent little cheek pecks getting bolder over time.)

I have reversed the situation in my mind, and really my husband is such a one-woman man that the thought of him with another woman is actually exciting to me -in fact, I had quite a erotic dream about it a few nights ago. If the possibility of it happening seemed more real to me, I might feel differently. He is so different from me in that regard, I really can't compare. I fantasize about all sorts of things (threesomes, exhibitionism, etc.) and his fantasies stay more in the realm of sex on the beach with me. I might go so far as to say, he's just not as sexual a person as I am, although he is always eager and willing when I initiate it. When I don't, he has contentedly done without for months at a time (such as when I was pregnant and breastfeeding and had no libido). Thinking about another woman whispering fantasies in his ears, well -I guess I'd like to think his sex drive was strong enough to want that!

Of course I owe it to him to be honest, but in fact I'm just so scared. First, that our marriage would develop awkwardness and tension. Second, that he'd be hurt. Third, that he wouldn't want me around my friend any more. (They are friends too, but only through me. My kids love the man.) And I feel 99% certain that he would not even consider polyamory. Basically, it would be a conversation with so much to lose, and what to gain? Honesty? I told him once that I often develop little crushes on men, especially when I go dancing, and that they make me feel good. He said, "Well, what can I say?" and changed the subject. He really doesn't want to hear it.

I get that polyamory is honest, so what I'm doing is cheating. Without the fun of actually having sex with another man. I justify it because every time I see my friend, I come back to my husband feeling happier, sexier, and more in love (with life, with everything), and I see him being happier because of that. Our marriage had turned into a roommate thing after babies, and conversations (not kissing) with my friend turned it around. I've told my husband a lot of this.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll work this out somehow.
 
AnotherConfused said:
I justify it because every time I see my friend, I come back to my husband feeling happier, sexier, and more in love (with life, with everything), and I see him being happier because of that. Our marriage had turned into a roommate thing after babies, and conversations (not kissing) with my friend turned it around. I've told my husband a lot of this.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll work this out somehow.
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I wish you the best...I do see some positives in what you are bringing home..it's just a matter of reducing the negatives.
 
Anotherconfused, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You have not been faithful in terms of the bounds of your marriage as it seems that a kiss or two and fantasy talk are out of bounds, but you are in no way in a position to regret having sex with the man. You know it wasn't right and now don't do it again.

I don't see any problem with you starting the conversation about poly in terms of generalities. Give yourself a break on the kiss/whisper thing and use it as a learning tool for what you think you might want in the future. Market it to your hubby as such and start talking.

Ask him if he really is uninterested or is just nervous about it and why? Perhaps its a can of worms he doesn't want to open right now and that should be respected. You could tell him that you can wait, but will be bringing it up again in a set amount of time, because it is important to you... This way he will have time, can learn a bit perhaps on line or elsewhere, and can be ready for the talk. Maybe this will be of help to him... think of who he is as a person and then ask. Don't assume you know how he will be or has been because of past actions. Ask... might as well start with some good communication. You will need it anyways if you go down the poly path.
 
redpepper and Mono give good advice.

Also, since your husband has never been serious with anyone but you in his life it might be good to talk with a therapist -- it might help to have someone who has seen a lot of human behavior say, "You know, relationships really do come in shapes and sizes other than monogamous one-on-one, and I know many such relationships which are beautiful and healthy." A wise professional may be able to say things to your husband that would disturb him deeply if they came straight from you.

For this I recommend phoning around and finding a therapist who has counselled poly couples before and who seems to fit your personality. Consider whether your husband would more comfortable hearing this from a woman or a man, too. If you've never done therapy before: a professional will not judge you or your husband, will not take sides, and will concern himself or herself with helping you understand yourselves and your marriage.

Your description points up something very important about poly: your friendship with the other man does not detract from the love you give your husband, it enhances it. When you come back from meeting your friend you want your husband more, not less. In my (limited) understanding, that's what poly can do: add to the total love in relationships.

Be careful, though. Men who are relatively inexperienced sometimes get ambushed by emotions that they don't know they have. Guys who have been through several infatuations, romances, and breakups have felt some of these things and kind of know what to expect; your great guy may not.

I know you'll be gentle, but...well, be VERY gentle!
 
Thanks

Thanks so much for your help, everyone. I've been thinking about this a lot, and reading what other people have written in these forums.

One thing I learned about myself, or I guess about others, is that being able to be in love with more than one person at a time isn't really a typical trait for a monogamous person -but always has been for me. It helps me understand in a different light why it was always such a huge struggle for me to be faithful with boyfriends. Every time I fell in love with someone new I'd question the relationship I was in, because I didn't recognize the possibility that I could be truly in love with both. Lots of hurt and heartache came out of that. With marriage I haven't stopped to question whether my husband is right for me, because wouldn't have married him if I didn't believe that to my core. I guess that's why it has taken me by surprise to feel such a strength of love for another man. (I have gotten used to the crushes, but this love has shaken me up.)

I've checked in with my friend on this and sure enough, he has always had that capacity to love more than one as well, although his relationships have never been polyamorous -just spells of monogamy, sometimes broken by affairs, and spells of dating several women casually. Interestingly, his last wife left him for a friend of theirs, and when she told him, he offered the solution of the three of them living together. (She didn't go for it.) Anyway, this is one of the ways in which I feel like he understands me like others don't because we are similar.

As for talking to my husband about it, with or without a therapist... Recently we broached the subject of my being able to spend the night at the home of a man with whom I had no romantic interest whatsoever, in order to get a break from my kids when I hit a spell of depression. It was in fact my doctor, a friend of ours, who offered the guest room in his country home. My husband firmly opposed it. (This is a man who gives me everything I want, almost without exception, so when there are exceptions I know he feels strongly.) His opposition didn't come from jealousy or mistrust of my motives or even the doctor's, but solely from propriety -what it would look like to other people. He feared what people would think if they heard his wife was staying overnight at another man's home without him. He felt so strongly about this, he put it above my need for respite when I was depressed, above what the doctor thought would be good for me. In compromise, I spent a weekend at my dad's house. Longer drive, but happier husband.

This is not someone who would be able to accept his wife being in another man's bed, certainly. So I feel like a request is more likely to hurt him than to bring me any kind of peace. I know him well.

I think what I would like instead, is to put a damper on the sexual side of my feelings for my friend, and work towards being able to continue loving him in other ways. I can tell my husband he is important to me, and that sometimes I need to go talk to him, and I can tell him some of how that relationship feeds into my happiness and my marriage, and I will feel more truthful and less sneaky if I am not in it for the kisses. I am it in for the long term, and for the happiness of all of us. Really, my husband's happiness is more important than whatever I might feel in bed with my friend, and he and I have, as we have always said, the knowledge that we desire each other that much, and the ability to fantasize, and knowing that fantasies are not all too different from memories.

We all make sacrifices for those we love, and I can do this much. I think.
 
I can completely relate to the situation your husband is in... mono husband to poly wife, she the only woman I have ever been intimate with, me content with it being that way, me not wanting her to want other lovers.

Your latest response indicates you have taken a step back to look at the big picture which I applaud you for.

A couple of things from your OP I think are important:
1) Your husband grew up in a different culture. I would think those cultural differences matter and need to be taken into account.
2) Your "other man" has a girlfriend and a child living at home (not clear if it is his or the gf's or theirs). What do they know about the situation? It seems there several people who would be affected by what decisions are made.

What EugenePoet said is so true... I have been "ambushed" by emotions I have never had to face before.

-DW
 
A couple of things from your OP I think are important:
1) Your husband grew up in a different culture. I would think those cultural differences matter and need to be taken into account.
2) Your "other man" has a girlfriend and a child living at home (not clear if it is his or the gf's or theirs). What do they know about the situation? It seems there several people who would be affected by what decisions are made.
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Right... My husband grew up in India, where propriety is important, and morals (on the surface, anyway) are stricter than here. Once when we were discussing how he is always putting everyone else first (the kids, me) and not standing up for his own needs, he said it is my happiness that he needs to make him happy. I jokingly asked what he would do if I found happiness sleeping with a new man each night of the week. He said, "If that's what made you happy -but I wouldn't be happy about it." Well, I don't want to make him unhappy. I think telling him I'm in love with another man would do that, and I think asking for the freedom to have sex with another man would devastate him.

As for the other man's situation -the kid is from his earlier marriage. We get along and he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with our friendship. The girlfriend (who doesn't live with him) is someone he has broken up with at least 3 times in the past few years and appears to be about to do so again, for reasons having nothing to do with me. I'm sure she would not want us to be as close as we are, and I like her so I feel guilty there too, but I've kind of left that for him to worry about I guess. He seems more concerned about protecting my marriage than his relationship -I don't think he's very vested in it any more. That makes him sound kind of shallow, but they have their valid reasons for trying, and for failing, to be a couple for so long. Nothing to do with me.

I also want to say that I'm really happy to have found this forum and to feel this kind of support. I admit to having confused polyamory in the past with swinging. I didn't realize how much I was ignoring my own propensity to love, and trying to shape it into something it isn't. I didn't know other people felt like this and accepted it. It's a huge relief, even though I know, with my dear husband, I am going to live a monogamous life -sexually, at least.
 
You're choosing to re-affirm your marriage with a man you love, and put the needs of that relationship first. You've examined your life and are making conscious, self-aware decisions about how you want to live. I admire you. That's a very loving decision.

I'm not so wise. Recently new love and its possibilities took me by storm and overturned a bunch of things I thought I knew about myself. I believed I was getting what I needed, until I spent time with another woman and realized what a joy it could be and what I was aching for without knowing it. (The French have a great phrase for sudden love: coup de foudre, a strike of lightning.) After that I could not go back to the way it was before. Impossible.

Perhaps what I mean to write is, beware the coup de foudre! You have decided to sublimate a certain side of your personality by allowing yourself emotional closeness with another man but not sexual closeness. We all do that, none of us are complete hedonists who indulge every urge. So what you're doing is not intrinsically unhealthy. But if one builds up a gradual feeling of longing for what might have been, a sense of buried and denied desire, then it's possible that those things will surface suddenly and without warning.

I don't know how to avoid this except perhaps by searching out and acknowledging the buried and denied things, understanding them, and keeping them in mind. Hard work. It's something I'm working on, certainly.
 
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beware the coup de foudre!
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Thanks! It's a good point. Sublimated desire is probably how I got into this mess in the first place -as far as the kisses and the whispered fantasies go. I've been slowly (resisting) falling in love with him for at least 15 years. It has helped tremendously to examine my feelings here in this forum. I feel like I can make more conscious choices now. Before, I just knew that the traditional wisdom of mainstream society said I should not be feeling anything for this man, and it was too strong a feeling for me to set aside. Now I see that there is nothing strange or wrong with loving him; I am not guilty from the get-go, so now I can accept the love, and make honest choices about my actions.

It won't ever be going back to the way it was before. I can be monogamous, but know I understand my motive to do so.

*sigh of relief*
 
Thanks for writing what you did Eugene. It summed up what I have been thinking to, but as confused seemed to be on a good path for herself I thought it best to leave it. Still, I'm glad you said it.

Good luck confused. I'm so half you are doing what is right for you and keeping on top of your emotions and the goal at hand.
 
An update

After so much thinking about all this, I actually broached the topic with my husband last night after all. Not to say I am in love with another or ask his blessing for extramarital sex, but just to say I'd come to understand things about myself, and why I'd cheated on boyfriends and found fidelity so difficult in the past. To let him know that I am able to be in love with more than one man at once.

Well, it went extremely well! He voiced his concerns and his views... Among them, that he sees this is something about me, and my need for love, and not any inadequacy on his part. (He made these statements himself; he wasn't just agreeing with things I was saying to him!)

His concerns lie in 2 camps -one, that my attention to other relationships could distract me from our family, the core of our lives. He is the sort of person who feels burdened by most relationships -extended family, networks of friends -and keeps his attention devoted to just those who are most central in his life; wife, kids, mother, siblings, my parents. He also sees that I am a social person and have always thrived on filling my life with people, so I think he knows I am not going to have trouble in this department.

And two, that allowing someone to become close to me gives them the power to hurt. Here, he seems less worried about my own personal heartbreak, although I think it's that too, but also about our family as a whole. He gave the example of a woman running for political office in the south whose campaign was derailed by several people claiming they'd had affairs with her (she was married; open marriage or not didn't matter to the voting public.) He wants us to always live a life that holds up to public scrutiny. He reads the news too much, I think, so worst case scenarios are never far from his mind.

I came away from the conversation with a few things. I knew he was not a jealous man, and this affirms that he does not feel threatened or lessened by my loving someone else. In fact, he recognized the energy that I bring back to the marriage bed from the happiness I get feeling love for another. He grinned at that. I don't have to feel guilty any more about this. I also know that in loving another, I need to be very careful, for my husband's sake, about where I put my trust, and how much I share of myself. This is fine; I don't feel that sentiment I see expressed so much among people here: "I am poly and this is the way I need to live to feel happiest." For me, it's just about these two men, my husband and the friend I love, so starting new relationships doesn't interest me. (I realize I might fall in love with someone else someday anyway, but I'll cross that bridge then.) I trust both of these men with my life, and all my secrets.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my news of this happy conversation. He's quite the stellar husband, isn't he?

I also wanted to comment on what a loving (that should come as no surprise!) group of people writes on this forum. Anonymous online conversations have a tendency to get unkind sometimes, but I have yet to read a post that wasn't supportive and affirming, even when there were differences of opinion. You all rock!
 
Thanks for the compliment. We do our best, but really it is us that have created that (you included because you write here), it gets passed on from one person to the next that comes on here. I have been here for 18 months. Almost from conception (four months off), I have seen such love here :) that is why I stay and will stay unless it changes to be drastically otherwise.

What great news for you. I bet you are riding high and confident today. I'm so happy for you. What a relief to get some stuff off your chest, eh (I'm canadian, sorry :p)?

What next then? Where will you go from here? What is the next baby step?

My husband sounds similar. Social anything is more of a chore sometimes than anything. He is not awkward or anxious, he just prefers to hermit. Eventually I need to boot him out to have the house to myself. I am not happy unless I am in a group of people. I am able to carry out my relationships quite naturally. I was born to I think. I don't seem to have any trouble. Nerdist on the other hand struggles every step of the way and I have to be patient, as I usually bare the brunt of his unability to focus on more than one person at a time.

If your husband appreciates you for who you are, do you think there is a chance he will feel comfortable with you and your friend?

I have a family too and at the beginning of seeing Mono there was a lot of adjusting. I neglected my family for sure. That's what happens when a relationship is added. Now the benefits are temendous; as I lie here next to Nerdist sleeping while our boy had a sleep over at Mono's. Ya! Not bad! My boy adores him. He is his "best buddy" he is an uncle/brother figure to him. This afternoon they are building a guinea pig hutch together. Its really BETTER with Mono.

On the other hand our coming out story to my parents was a disaster. They felt neglected for 6 months while I went through NRE and then at the end of it I told them about Mono, expecting them to have an "oooo, oh well then, that's okay" moment, they blew up instead. Long story of which there is a thead if you are interested.
Yes all very tricky, it is important to negotiate what it all will look like ahead of time. But remember that things change. I had no idea I would be where we are now. I dreamed for it, but didn't think it possible or feasable and here it is. Our boundaries were very tightly pulled in at first and we let them out slowly and when it felt right.

As to getting hurt? Well, that's just the luck of the draw. I can tell you that if you get hurt, it will make the bond and connection to your husband stronger. He gets to be the white knight and soooth you. Not such a bad deal as long as he can compose himself and let you run your own relationships. Swooping in to give someone hell is not going to be respectful or appropriate.

It sounds like your male friend is married also no? This is my big worry. Having intimate moments with him is cheating to most monogamous women. In my opinion there should be no more of that, or anything until she has been told, consulted, considered and respected.

It sounds like you are in a good place, regardless as its a better place than your first post :) I'm happy for you.
 
Honesty

I am happy that you and your husband talked, but you did not come fully clean with him. I believe that you should tell him everything to keep him informed to make his own decisions with all possible information.
I hope that you two stay happy with you becoming poly and he is comfortable with your choices of people you have relations with.
Also, not all men think that contact is cheating, people can cheat in their minds and hearts, thus guilt is felt. People need to communicate openly and honestly.
But, what do I know; I am new at this too. Good Luck
 
What next then? Where will you go from here? What is the next baby step?
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I think now I'm just content with the way things are. My friend lives 2 hours away; I don't see him often. We have started having weekly phone calls, and we've emailed every few days or so for the past year. Now when I do see him, I won't have to feel like it betrays my husband to be so in love. I don't need to add sex to the picture. In fact, sometimes I feel more special to this man because we don't have sex; his life (he's nearly 3 decades older than me) is full of ex-girlfriends, former flings, and 2 ex-wives. I don't ever want to be one of those to him. He's yearning for someone to be a dedicated, live-in partner or wife -a big reason his current live-out girlfriend is not working out for him -and I don't want to hamper that, nor could I fill that role. So we will go on as we are, and that is fine.

If your husband appreciates you for who you are, do you think there is a chance he will feel comfortable with you and your friend?
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Meaning if my friend became a lover or boyfriend? I think my husband would not be comfortable with that. But with me loving him, sure.

One thing that my husband notably didn't ask me in our conversation last night was whether I am currently in love with anyone outside our marriage. He did not ask who I may have been in love with in our dozen years together. I'm sure he figured I'd tell him if I wanted him to know, but otherwise it's my private business. I don't think he's even particularly curious. In fact, his attitude about our whole conversation was that I was telling him all this to get it off my chest, not because he had any particular right or need to know. It amazes me how he can be so devoted to me, and at the same time, not try to own me, which has been an element of other relationships I've been in. God I love him!

I don't feel comfortable telling my husband who it is I've fallen for, partly in case it did make my husband want me to see less of him, and partly because I don't want to make things difficult for my friend -he's got to sort things out with his girlfriend, so it's not my place to publicize our connection. Still, I think I left it fairly obvious that there is someone right now, and if he chose to give it some thought, he could probably figure it out based on our recently having spent time together. Seems like he already knows we are close -he made some comment once about not knowing whether the 2 of us had ever had sex before he met me. And again, it wasn't a question, just an offhand remark, but clearly he sees the attraction that has always been there.

As for family... my mom has been nervous about this, and she doesn't know the half of it! She was terribly concerned when I said I was going out to dinner with my friend, when my husband wasn't in town with me. I assured her it was really ok for a married woman to eat at a restaurant with someone other than her husband, but still, she tried to cover up where I was when my husband talked to her that evening! I had already told my husband what I was doing, so that was just weird. Makes me think my mom must have poly leanings too, or she wouldn't have been so suspicious. She knows I adore my husband! Well anyway, I don't see any need for a "coming out" since I'm not likely to end up with a situation like yours, redpepper. Heavenly as it sounds! Great for your son, too! (I think my friend is more like a grandpa-figure to my kids, given our age difference, but it is still a joy to see.)

Oh yes, compared to my original post, I feel worlds better! Thank you for this support and education!
 
Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable keeping those things to myself.

I would be very unhappy if my husband was keeping similar things from me and I don't see how wanting complete honesty from your partner is wanting to own them. I'm a huge believer in radical honesty in committed relationships.

I think its great that you've taken the steps to discuss with him as much as you have but you say yourself that one of your reasons for not telling more is that you want to continue to see him. Thats taking a choice away from your husband. Thinking you've made something obvious doesn't mean he really knows.
 
I would be very unhappy if my husband was keeping similar things from me and I don't see how wanting complete honesty from your partner is wanting to own them.
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Thanks for your 2 cents, confused. Another illustration of how we are all different -my husband is not unhappy at all about not knowing whether, and who, I am in love with. He didn't ask. He doesn't find it relevant. Based on our 12 years together he definitely knows I would tell him if he asked. I would also tell him if it ever seems like he is unhappy not knowing. It's similar to how he feels about men in my past. I've asked him whether he would like to know who I've been with, and details about my past relationships, and his answer is just -if I feel like I need to tell him, but otherwise, probably not. He's a Be Here Now kind of guy.

Of course wanting complete honesty isn't wanting to own someone -sorry if I implied that. I see a difference between honesty (telling the truth, not trying to deceive) and loss of privacy. For example, if I choose not to share a fantasy about say, a grocery clerk who flirted with me, I'm not being dishonest. If I were to act on that fantasy, of course it would be dishonest to keep that to myself (but not dishonest to keep it from, say, my mother or my employees). So I suppose it all comes down to whether someone has the need or the right to know. My husband has the right to know who I love, but he doesn't apparently have the need, so unless he expresses that need (asking me or just seeming bothered), I don't feel dishonest in keeping that private.

As for those moments when my friend and I went a little beyond the boundaries of my marriage -I do feel bad not having told my husband yet. I think I will work my way towards that conversation. All the reading and writing I've done on this forum have helped me see the whole situation with much more clarity, so I think that I am getting closer to being able to know what to say, and how. Meanwhile, everyone here will just have to accept me as less than perfect, but striving in the right direction.
 
I don't understand how you could not commit to being honest. There seems to be some missed info here. If I am feeling that way then no doubt your husband and this man are. First of all you say this man is saying sexy fantasies in your ear, now you are saying it won't be sexual; then you say you had a good talk with your husband and started to be honest and now you have decided to keep him in the dark.

If you aren't going to be honest, if you aren't going to start being open and fess up, then what does the future hold? More deciept more cheating behaviour, not only on your husband but on the man's girlfriend too.

Come on! Seriously! You and he have decided to gloss over what is going on for you in order to protect it. You aren't as far as I'm concerned. You are setting yourself and everyone up for a world of suffering, hurt, disrespect, dishonesty, deception, and possibly break ups.

Nope, you are too far in it now it seems my friend. Ask for what you want. If you want to be able to hang with this guy and it not be sexual then what do you have to lose asking for that? My bet is that you DO want more and that you think you can't have it.

This man is dangerous I think. Both of you are dangerous to each other. There is no way in hell that if things go underground that they won't turn sexual. It is so easy to slide into that with little effort. Cheating has easy beginnings and really difficult disastrous results. If you put the work in now and tell your husband what is going on he could help you. You need his support in telling this guy that although you think he is the bees knees, he has a girlfriend and you have a husband to consider and that they come first.

If you really think your role is better as friendship then get your husband to help. Tell your husband, "look sweetheart, I fell in love with our friend with the girlfriend and we just want to be friends but I am struggling with the boundaries. I don't want to hurt you, or the girlfriend or what we all have, I need help to do what is right because my emotions are getting away on me and I am beginning to feel out of control. I know this because my instinct is to protect my love for this man by lying about it."

This is what I am understanding by what you post. Obviously I could be wrong, I feel a bit short of info, so I could be. Does any of this ring true?
 
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