Married and Poly?
- Thread starter RitaFire
- Start date
TruckerPete
New member
Yup, though only recently (end of November).
LovingRadiance
Active member
I'm married with a boyfriend.
RitaFire
New member
I was curious because many (not all, but many) of the poly people I have encountered so far are either divorced, getting divorced or are separated, or have never been married.
I am wondering how many people are in the same situation as my husband and I. They got married many years ago (at least 10 lets say), with the intention of being monogamous. Then decided to explore poly. I wonder if that causes more emotional distress to one or both partners in the marriage, if the original intention of the marriage was to remain monogamous. Not that things cannot change over the years, we all grow and change.
How many of you married and poly people got married with the original intention of remaining monogamous? And how have you dealt with poly?
I am wondering how many people are in the same situation as my husband and I. They got married many years ago (at least 10 lets say), with the intention of being monogamous. Then decided to explore poly. I wonder if that causes more emotional distress to one or both partners in the marriage, if the original intention of the marriage was to remain monogamous. Not that things cannot change over the years, we all grow and change.
How many of you married and poly people got married with the original intention of remaining monogamous? And how have you dealt with poly?
SourGirl
Member
My husband and I, have been together for 10 years. We started out with the intention of being non-monogamous. I had been married before, and had swore to myself, I`d not be 'owned' again. My ex really disliked that I was bisexual.
Of course, I had no idea how deeply I would love my husband, or what a trip it would be , when I fell in a puppy-love with my girlfriend I had 9 yrs ago. I still didnt relate any of that to a word called ' polyamory'.
We referred to ourselves as 'closed, exclusive swingers'...we would toy shyly with our feelings, and make remarks, but there was no big, proclamations.
I learned so much from that, though. We didn`t realize we were 'odd'. That we hung out with our 'friends' for all types of vanilla get togethers, had sleep overs, our kids all played and we celebrated birthdays, and holidays. It just seemed natural.
We have had periods where we chose to be monogamous, and periods where we choose to be in a open relationship.
I think nearly anyone we have dated, (minus current quad-like tendencies)have been people who started out in monogamous relationships/marriages, that opened up between years 8-12.
Thats just my findings though.
It wasn`t until we started looking for 'polyamory' versus 'open marriage' as a search, that we found the opposite to be a majority,...childless couples, or people starting out non-monogamous.
Geography plays a big, big part.
I`ve lived in two parts of my country, and the differences are vast. There is also a difference in mentality, with small town, versus big city.
Again,..just my experience. The longer you are into it, the more ebb and flow of various types, you will encounter.
Of course, I had no idea how deeply I would love my husband, or what a trip it would be , when I fell in a puppy-love with my girlfriend I had 9 yrs ago. I still didnt relate any of that to a word called ' polyamory'.
We referred to ourselves as 'closed, exclusive swingers'...we would toy shyly with our feelings, and make remarks, but there was no big, proclamations.
I learned so much from that, though. We didn`t realize we were 'odd'. That we hung out with our 'friends' for all types of vanilla get togethers, had sleep overs, our kids all played and we celebrated birthdays, and holidays. It just seemed natural.
We have had periods where we chose to be monogamous, and periods where we choose to be in a open relationship.
I think nearly anyone we have dated, (minus current quad-like tendencies)have been people who started out in monogamous relationships/marriages, that opened up between years 8-12.
Thats just my findings though.
It wasn`t until we started looking for 'polyamory' versus 'open marriage' as a search, that we found the opposite to be a majority,...childless couples, or people starting out non-monogamous.
Geography plays a big, big part.
I`ve lived in two parts of my country, and the differences are vast. There is also a difference in mentality, with small town, versus big city.
Again,..just my experience.
The longer you are into it, the more ebb and flow of various types, you will encounter.I have been with Pengrah 10ish years and have been open from the start. We were open because it was a long distance relationship to start... we never bothered to close. And turned into unicorn hunters, relatively successful ones too.
Most of the people I have encountered have been the 7 year itch open relationships. There are exceptions, including the relationship with Sourgirl I am in now.
I am not sure what it would be like to go from pure monogamy to being non-monogamous. The amount of expectation in monogamy is
So I guess our version of being married and finding poly fits a little different than what you are asking about. I haven't been purely monogamous since I was 21. The sense of being owned sucked the wind out of life for me.
Most of the people I have encountered have been the 7 year itch open relationships. There are exceptions, including the relationship with Sourgirl I am in now.
I am not sure what it would be like to go from pure monogamy to being non-monogamous. The amount of expectation in monogamy is
So I guess our version of being married and finding poly fits a little different than what you are asking about. I haven't been purely monogamous since I was 21. The sense of being owned sucked the wind out of life for me.
redpepper
Active member
I have been married to PN for ten years this summer. He was part of the first Vee I was in and we have been non-monogamous ever since. We have run the gammot of experiences throughout the years and intend to experience more... isn't that what life is all about?
I have to say though, this forum is very marriage and mono poly heavy... I don't experience that so much in real life. In real life people aren't all that interested in forums on this stuff because they are living their lives or don't like the soap opera that this forum can be like. This forum tends to attract those that are starting out, have started out recently or who just really like peoples drama... like me The results of such a poll might be interesting for here, but I don't think in any way they represent the community as a whole. Cool question though
I have to say though, this forum is very marriage and mono poly heavy... I don't experience that so much in real life. In real life people aren't all that interested in forums on this stuff because they are living their lives or don't like the soap opera that this forum can be like. This forum tends to attract those that are starting out, have started out recently or who just really like peoples drama... like me
The results of such a poll might be interesting for here, but I don't think in any way they represent the community as a whole. Cool question though
LovingRadiance
Active member
We did.
We married with intention of being monogamous 12 years ago.
I fucked that up.
In regards to poly-it's been a struggle, but the MAJORITY of our issues are communication issues. They've been sorely exacerbated by the poly.
HOWEVER-
The BIGGEST thing that caused issues in our relationship was my affair.
I honestly believe that had we discussed polyamory and worked up to it without such a messed up "trust and deal breaker" move by me... things woudl have gone much, much differently.
wldycatastrophe
New member
We are married and just starting to be poly for a reason. I have liver cancer and I want to make sure my husband gets a really great partner. I am a very loving person also so I have a boyfriend also. We are open about the relationship and are enjoying it.
LovingRadiance
Active member
wldy-
That reminds me of the movie stepmom. That's a very loving attitude on your part.
Hope to hear more of your story on the board!
LR
wldycatastrophe
New member
I have time and life is to enjoy. Bless you!
my husband and i have been married 7 years this july and together for 5 before that. we were always exclusive and mono until this year, with poly never even entering our thoughts.
as far as how we've dealt? well it's a daily process.
in our case, my husband, R, is the one who wanted to open our relationship to another person. really a certain person. our thoughts at the beginning of this journey were that we owed it to ourselves to explore feelings, and to each other not to give up what we already had together. i wasn't sure i could share, somedays i'm still not.
but it's better than the alternative and i choose it every day.and by that i don't mean i'd rather have half of him than none, not in that sad sort of self-loathing kind of way. but i take very seriously my motto on life, which i like to express in the quotes of others 'life's a journey, not a destination,' 'if you've never steered off into the distance then your life is a shame,' and 'i do not regret the things i've done, but those i did not do.'
all that to me means that i don't want him to stifle himself to stay with me, nor do i want to be with him alone, if that isn't what he wants. i would never ask that he put it all back in the bottle. and i don't want to leave and look back and wonder what we could have been, he and i, or he and she and i.
it certainly isn't easy. though it appears it will get easier as time goes by. and if it never does, well i'm choosing it every day now, i'll either keep choosing it every day, or i won't.
that's one thing i'm trying to keep a grasp on. my own power. i choose. i choose everything. i choose to stay, or go. i choose to be pleasant, or a bitch. i choose to let him find out what he really needs, or i suffocate him.
if you all haven't noticed already, i like quoting, so here's one more 'i was thorough when i looked for you, and i feel justified lying in your arms.' i want to know and i want him to know that where-ever we end up, him, me, her, and anyone else who happens inside our circle, i want us to know that nothing happened while we weren't looking. we all made choices.
BlackUnicorn
New member
This forum tends to attract those that are starting out, have started out recently or who just really like peoples drama... like me
ROTFLMAO I have a fierce tendency to know-it-all-ism, and in my work have to suppress any and all of my advice-giving tendencies! So I let myself prey on innocent people on forums like these, giving pseudo-sage advice on things I have absolutely no clue on!
Seriously Ritafire though, the seemingly high divorce-rate on the forum might just represent the fact that many polyamorines have a hard time cheating, since they want to be able to express their love for two or more people openly. So they might be slightly more eager to bring the subject of extra-marital love affairs up with their spouses, which doesn't fly well with most people, and hence might lead to divorce or separation. We have of course no way of knowing how many of seemingly monogamous unions, marriages or otherwise, are really monogamous for both partners at all stages of the relationship, especially if we count purely emotional affairs.
Just speculating here, but that's what I do best.
redpepper
Active member
HA! While I know you say this with tongue in cheek, we all only know what has worked for us and what our journey has been... that is why we are experts on ourselves and what we know about ourselves... that is very valuable to others I think. We are all wise people and knowing that others are too, about their own lives, means that we can all learn from each other... this is why I stay here
I love hearing peoples process.sorry, a bit off topic.
My ex and I were married for over 20 years when we decided to open our marriage. Our attempt at poly did not go well, especially for me, as we were unicorn seeking and the woman we found turned out to be not into women, just men, and she and my ex fell head over heels in love. I couldnt handle their NRE, and made them stop the sex, tho allowed them to be friends.
That wasn't the cause of our breakup, however.
