Married, Poly, but choosing to Practice Monogamy?

Hades36

New member
Anyone else here in the same proverbial boat? Its not a bad place to be, although its not always easy or comfortable. I come on here once in awhile to read posts and stories that speak to my own experiences with poly. Some of you remember me and PLove from back in the day. We decided, after some experimenting, to remain Mono. Well, I decided that; she went with the flow. Why? Because, no matter what, at the end of the day, I can't imagine my life without PLove and I know that, for a number of reasons, the poly thing as ripping her heart out in more ways than one. So, I just couldn't live with seeing her in so much pain; easier for me to accept the amazing 80% I have than to worry about the 20% that is an unknown factor. Yes, I still yearn for the experience but, hey, I also yearn for the day when diabetes is cured and I can go back to eating Oreo cookies without fearing I will die.

Anyways, just wondering if anyone else here is poly at heart, mono in practice, and how you deal with it, how it feels, etc. :confused:
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Healthy?

Yes, I still yearn for the experience but, hey, I also yearn for the day when diabetes is cured and I can go back to eating Oreo cookies without fearing I will die.

Diabetes is not a choice. Being poly and living mono is a choice.

I can't imagine sacrificing such a fundamental aspect of who I am to appease the world view of someone else. Personally I don't see this as being healthy for anyone involved.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Green mine. Because I think you mean

Anyways, just wondering if anyone else here is polyamorous at heart, monogamous in practice, and how you deal with it, how it feels, etc.

In my vocab use, I find it best sometimes to write it all the way out -- polyamorous, monoamorous, polygamous, monogamous. Otherwise abbreviations can mix conversation up.

A million years ago I was the hinge for a short time. It ended. Later I married BF1 and closed up -- we dealt with my health dx, buckled down to have baby, etc.

I don't feel like I am missing anything here -- he knew going in how I'm wired polyamorous and loves me as I am. He's not threatened or upset or anything. He's not sure if he's monoamorous but poly-friendly or polyamorous himself. The first page of my blog thread covers some of my thoughts on mono-poly pairings. I don't know if any of that helps you.

It's been a long and happy marriage now about 20 yrs in for us. We talk about the next stages of life -- and consider Opening Up later on when the things of active parenting and eldercare clear up as time goes on. He's willing to go there.

A large part of that is that he knew going IN. It wasn't like I dated him promising exclusive. It isn't like we got married and I suddenly discovered my "polyness" and then had to come out to him either. It's been known all along. Knowing this side of me exists isn't "ripping his heart out." He enjoys watching me crush from afar and likes to yank my chain and tease in a friendly way. He listens to my polyamorous yammer, reads polyamorous things I send him to read. Shares his perspective and thoughts without feeling bothered or threatened. He's very calm in personality -- very solid, secure, had a good self esteem. I'm much more hot head than him -- but we work together well as a team.

It really hasn't been the time to date others -- we had serious life things going on. There is a time and place for everything, and everything at its time and place. It took 10 years to get my dx -- that was SO not the time in the midst of doctor parade to be adding new variables to juggle!

So I feel fine. I feel happy. I feel loved. I feel good. My need is to be understood and loved as I am. Not to have more than one lover at any given moment -- but to be understood and loved as a whole ME, warts and all. Not merely the "sanitized" me or the "acceptable" me. Being polyamorous is not a wart -- but it's still part of the whole package of Me-ness.

If I did not have that expression with my spouse -- I would wither. I can choose a monogamous run -- but if on that run my spouse is who I have for deep emotional intimacy talk things? And my spouse denies me that talking channel? Where then can I turn to? That's not giving me the right to support/nurture.

So I guess what I'm asking YOU is...

Well, if you are happy with your choice in general... How can the forum help support you? What do you need? What's missing? Are you NOT getting that talking channel to create deep emotional intimacy with your spouse? Not add another lover per se -- but add acknowledgement and acceptance of your you-ness?

You asked for feelings and stories so there's a bit of mine.

HTH!
GalaGirl
 
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Hades36

New member
@GalaGirl

Thanks for the lengthy response and for sharing some of your story with me. PLove and I have a great marriage, also, and while I do not have anyone else but her as a partner we also have a healthy, ongoing conversation about all of it and how we both retain the option of opening up the marriage again. On certain occasions we may play with other people but its always together and everyone involved understands that its sex, not the start of a romance. I am very happy in this space, but its nice to talk to other people who are wired for polyamory but have chosen, for whatever reason, to practice monoamory, if not sexual monogamy.

@Marcus

I appreciate what you are saying and appreciate your response. For me, the decision is a sacrifice but its an honorable one that I am happy to make because I know PLove's heart and what my emotional connection to other women was doing to her. Healthy is, IMHO, often a matter of perspective. It wasn't healthy for PLove to be in a situation where she was feeling abandoned and, at the time, I was not skilled enough to make it work. Maybe in the future that will change and maybe not, but I'm solid with things as they are right now.
 

nycindie

Active member
Hi there, Hades - always good to see you posting on this board! We don't get to hear from you often enough anymore!

Anyway... what I initially thought when I read your post is that, just because we are open to polyamory, does not automatically mean we MUST have multiple relationships all the time! Life ebbs and flows, and we don't need to prove to anyone, including ourselves, that we can have multiple partners. The important thing, after all, is the people you share yourself with and the quality of your interactions with them - not how many you can hook up with. There are many good and practical reasons to practice monogamy, even if you are very strongly disposed toward non-monogamy and would like to choose that for yourself as well -- but it's great to have the choice! And monogamy is just as good a choice to make as polyamory is, as long as it feels right for you. Your reasoning about it is a valid one because it is out of love and respect for your wife. Another reason might simply be time management and not wanting to spread oneself too thin, if there is a lot going on in one's life.

If you are comfy with the choice you made, then it is healthy and there is no need to defend it to anyone! Those who say you are denying a part of who you are for someone else, aren't in your shoes. Please don't feel bullied, put-down, "not poly enough" (whatever that might mean), or like you're missing out on anything, because you have a lot more than many folks have - a good, loving relationship with PLove that actually works! Plenty of people are poly and aren't in any relationships at all. The number doesn't matter. I say you are blessed!
 
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Hades36

New member
All of your responses are really appreciated and wonderful. Thank you.

@Nycindie: Thank you for the warm welcome! I lurk here often because I really enjoy reading all of the stories, posts, advice, and anecdotes that you folk offer up to each other. I'm often silent because I'm not practicing so i don't really feel like I have a lot to contribute. I really appreciate what you're saying. For many practical reasons monogamy works really well for me, despite the yearnings of my heart to expand and explore and experience more. We've agreed that this works right now but that could change and we could find ourselves opening up again. I just want to make sure that we're doing it for the right reasons and in the right season, you know? But, again, a heartfelt thank you for your kind words and encouragement!

@GalaGirl: Yes, I just wanted to hear from other people who were making the same choice. Sometimes it feels like my "dark passenger", as Dexter Morgan would say. I'm always aware of the fact that, for whatever reason, the oxytocin and vasopressin in my brain work a little differently than most folks; I can start forming bonds with women really quickly, without any sexual connection, and so I tend to be really careful about how close I get to them. I have a lot of great female friends who understand and appreciate who I am; PLove is great and has repeatedly encouraged me to explore my polyamorous nature. Right now, though, I think the fantasy is enough. Thank you for your kindness and warmth.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Honorable?

I appreciate what you are saying and appreciate your response. For me, the decision is a sacrifice but its an honorable one that I am happy to make because I know PLove's heart and what my emotional connection to other women was doing to her. Healthy is, IMHO, often a matter of perspective. It wasn't healthy for PLove to be in a situation where she was feeling abandoned and, at the time, I was not skilled enough to make it work. Maybe in the future that will change and maybe not, but I'm solid with things as they are right now.

I don't see any value in this kind of sacrifice. She is getting someone who is half halfheartedly committed to living the lifestyle she is living, you are getting someone who fundamentally differs in how they view love and only accepts you because you pretend to be ok with it. You consider it honorable and that seems to be enough to get you through, but I wouldn't wish that kind of false life on someone I don't like.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just baffled.
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Life is full of negotiations and compromises - we don't always get 100% of what we want. As long as your needs (your "bottom line") are being met, and are willing to negotiate in the "wants" department, then I don't think that anybody has the right to say that you are wrong.

For you, living the "poly life" obviously isn't a need - it is for some.

I congratulate you on your maturity to be able to work through what your priorities are and to reach a place of contentment.
 

Hades36

New member
Hey, thanks CielDuMatin! My bottom line is definitely being met and I'm very happy. I'm sure there are others who have made the choices that I have, and for similar if not exactly the same reasons. Its just nice to connect with those folks, now and then.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Anyways, just wondering if anyone else here is poly at heart, mono in practice, and how you deal with it, how it feels, etc. :confused:

We were monogamous during the first stages of our relationship, as we learned to be in a long term relationship together, deal with basic relationship issues... basically, get our relationship into a stage where it was stable enough to have other relationships. But now we're there, and we've once again opened it to a polyship.

polyamorous, monoamorous, polygamous, monogamous. Otherwise abbreviations can mix conversation up.

If we're going to be that specific... since almost no one is (legally) polygamous, and when most people say "monogamous relationship" they actually mean "monosexual, monoamorous relationship" and not merely "married-to-one-person relationship"... Why not make it monoschesi and polyschesi? (schesi being Greek for relationship... I think... that's the phonetic spelling anyway, Google wrote σχέση...) ... or since we're already mixing languages for polyamory, we could also just stick with monoship and polyship, which seem to have caught on nicely...

I know, I know... I'm being pedantic. But since monogamous gets thrown around so much, and it doesn't literally mean what we usually mean it to mean... My opinion is that it actually is more appropriate to just say "mono" with the understanding that it means "monoamorous and monosexual."
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Alright -- it confuses ME. :D

Sometimes I just have the need to write it out all the way when I'm not sure I am understanding how it is being used... that gives the writer the opportunity to correct me if I guessed wrong.

Galagirl.
 

nycindie

Active member
. . . we could also just stick with monoship and polyship, which seem to have caught on nicely . . .
And starship? Or "goodship lollipop?" :rolleyes:

Yeccch, let's not. "Monoship" and "polyship" are almost as bad is "frubbly" and "wibbles."

I know, I know... I'm being pedantic. But since monogamous gets thrown around so much, and it doesn't literally mean what we usually mean it to mean... My opinion is that it actually is more appropriate to just say "mono" with the understanding that it means "monoamorous and monosexual."

I agree with this. "Mono" and "poly" are sufficient enough in a conversation where breaking it all down isn't relevant to the topic or needed.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Yeccch, let's not. "Monoship" and "polyship" are almost as bad is "frubbly" and "wibbles."

Next you're going to tell me you have a problem with "wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff." :eek:
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
And starship? Or "goodship lollipop?" :rolleyes:

Yeccch, let's not. "Monoship" and "polyship" are almost as bad is "frubbly" and "wibbles."

Note to self: google first, then comment. Agreed. Frubbly and wibbles are...disturbing. Only slightly less disturbing than that video.
 

nycindie

Active member
Next you're going to tell me you have a problem with "wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff." :eek:

LOL - what the hell is that? Is that actually a phrase I should know? I'm afraid to Google that one, hahaha.

Agreed. Frubbly and wibbles are...disturbing. Only slightly less disturbing than that video.

I know! I found that video disturbing, too, and I don't recall that I'd ever found it disturbing before. But all those men's hands on poor little Shirley Temple while she tried to keep her dress down - uck!
 
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ThatGirlInGray

New member
Not exactly in the same boat, but for many years I agreed to a "no PiV or PiA sex with anyone else" boundary with MC. Lots of people on this forum would NOT have been okay with that agreement, but at the time it worked for me. Besides occasional idle curious thoughts, I didn't have any desire to. Then, when that desire changed significantly, we started discussing, and eventually a new agreement was reached. I think the key is not resenting the agreement or the person you made the agreement with. Resenting your agreement would probably lead to an unhealthy relationship, but as long as you're basically fine with it (beyond the occasional wonderings/longings that I think are perfectly normal) I see no reason why your choice should be seen as some sort of "half-hearted" commitment. It sounds like you've fully embraced this commitment, just like many partners make commitments to another to do something they wouldn't have chosen for themselves if they were on their own.
 
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