Men vs. Women and "poly"


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Ok, it has been my and my wife's observation that MOST men view polyamory differently than most women.

SINGLE men (in our experience) are pigs. They get on poly sites or CLAIM to be poly, simply to get laid. They figure that since a woman's "poly", she's easy. (So not true) Once they get what the woman has, they move on to the next conquest. Leaving the woman a mess afterward.

Single women who are poly or at least open to it, on the other hand, are hard to find in the poly world.

Now, I've even noticed this in MARRIED men also. They claim to be "poly", but what they are REALLY saying, is that it's ok to have a 3-sum with two women, but no men are allowed to touch their mate. To me, thats not poly. Thats selfish. If their mate finds another man attractive or mentally stimulating, the guy freaks.

Why is this? Has anyone else noticed this?
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Why is this? Has anyone else noticed this?

TL - I suspect you know the answer to this as well as anyone.

So - you need someone else to say it ?

Simply that a huge percentage of people can't see the world except through a filter of "SEX". "Poly", as we all reiterate frequently, simply makes a convenient tool.

Fortunately, that 'tool' is pretty easy to spot - even for the uninitiated.

Is this any different than monogamy? The genders do view sex vs love as different. Or I guess in opposite directions.

Men want sex -> build connection - if "sex" (this can be everything from raw attraction to lust to "good" sex) isn't there, they move on.
Women want connection -> build to sex - if connection isn't there, the women move on.

While this doesn't hold true 100% of the time. It doesn't make all "men" dogs and doesn't make all "women" non-sexual. It just makes us different. Once everyone involved can work within those difference, it would sure make things easier

For the record, I know women that do EXACTLY what you define as the male role. I am sure I could find them in poly (in fact, I have met a couple) Its just another one of those nuances of "people" that you have to get used to. Some poly people just try to see things through rose coloured glasses called polyamory, when in fact its not at all.

Poly is not black and white, poly simply means the capacity to love more than one. Everything else, people try to build around it, is their own construct. Being unethically poly isn't any less poly than ethical polyamory...its just unethical (and really, who defines those ethics anyways, like religion thats pretty individual too). :)

The world would be pretty boring if we all practiced everything the exact same way.
Ariakas has a great point!

and to add my own thoughts on your question, I believe polyamory is a lot like unconditional love. Just because some one claims to be in love with their partner doesn't automatically mean that their love is with out condition. For example 'I love my husband as long as he doesn't cheat on me' or 'I love my wife as long as she doesn't get fat' Which begs the question, "Was it really love or was it the idea of being in love?" (PF) In a round about way, is it 'polyamory or the idea of polyamory?' that we see in these people? And can it ever be pure unadulterated love?

Until the people practicing the act of love realize what unconditional means, it may never really be love.
I don't believe in unconditional love. I believe in unconditional concern for people, but not romantic love. That tie can be severed.
I don't believe in unconditional love. I believe in unconditional concern for people, but not romantic love. That tie can be severed.

I don't believe in unconditional romantic love either, but I believe there is such a thing as unconditional love. I'm not talking about co-dependency, which people often mistake for unconditional love. I'm talking about the kind of love a parent may have for a child. i'm not even sure I can think of any other examples. I don't think that the love I have for my husband is unconditional, either. It's definitely based in certain benefits I get out of being in a relationship with him. However, even if I ceased to be romantically and sexually attracted to him, I think I would still love him as a person. But it would be because I get something out of it, not because of who we both are intrinsically.
All very interesting points.

What irritates me, is that MOST (not all, but most) of the women I have dealt with, are sincere about their feelings, while MOST (not all) men that my wife and I have dealt with, have had one thing in mind....getting laid. They could care less about the relationship as long as they get laid. Then once they get the punnany, they are gone like a fart in the wind. Whereas the women we have dealt with, have tried to stick around for some time.
I think (in my limited experience) that yeah, their might be gender differences overall (on average / statistically), but that it really varies with individuals. My example, with my guy, Mal. Yeah, he's interested in a threesome, but honestly when it comes down to it what he wants is a mental and emotional connection with a third person. He grew up with a pretty rough life, I won't go in to details :p, whereas I was very sheltered. There are a lot of things he can tell me that while I can sympathize with him, I really can't understand on any level. He wants someone he can talk to who can understand. That was the main draw for him towards Beth, the woman who almost-but-not-quite entered a triad with us - he felt that she could understand that side of him.

On the other side of it, yes, we have agreed to basically a one-penis policy - if I happen to fall for a guy, we'll talk about it and see from there what the best course of action is, but I'm not going to go looking for a guy. There's two reasons for this. One is the stereotypical. Mal had several girlfriends before me leave him for other guys, so he has a bad association. We've also talked and agreed that there's a cultural influence - culturally speaking, if a girl gets it on with a guy that isn't her husband, he's being "cock blocked" and she's probably going to leave him; but if she gets it on with another girl, that's just hot and means the girl's husband is probably going to get some. We don't agree with those stereotypes, but that doesn't mean they don't influence his feelings and insecurity. The other factor influencing our one-penis policy is from me, and goes against the stereotype of women being only into feelings: I'm bicurious / bisexual and never so much as kissed a girl, but I really want to explore that side of myself. So I'm really more into finding a female partner right now, and don't mind the one-penis policy.

Hope that complicated things lol :D
i've been discussing this very topic w/ my bf..who coincidentally, won't let his wife have another, but ok for him. fuck that. i wouldn't stand for it.

but, he also says all men are pigs. i find this sad...bcz, i grew up hearing this from my mother. and my therapist, well when i told her that i discovered that men can have emotions and can write & express themselves...she was like, yes, there are those kind of men out there too.

it's confusing, how do you weed thru?....this is comign from me, a single female w/ a poly mentality.
It's sad but true, but most men are pigs. A frequent topic of convo in our home. I think that the internet has made it even worse. Broadens the "hunting ground" for those predators.

The only way to sort through who's real and who's not is by really getting to know them and trusting your gut. I think a lot of women have stopped listening to that intuition thing that they're typically so good at!!
It's weird, but it seems to me men are more likely to be the one saying "men are pigs". Self-loathing much? :p
but, he also says all men are pigs. i find this sad...bcz, i grew up hearing this from my mother. and my therapist, well when i told her that i discovered that men can have emotions and can write & express themselves...she was like, yes, there are those kind of men out there too.

He is projecting, he is a pig. Not all men are pigs. Sorry for the harshness but blanket statements like this are true displays of ignorance.

it's confusing, how do you weed thru?....this is comign from me, a single female w/ a poly mentality.

Discussion. Talking...and REALLY learning to read between the lines. There are lots of ways to figure it out. Also understanding how different people communicate helps. The pig above, may just have an opposing communication style to yours (for example) making his actions appear pigish, even though he may be introspective.
I have found FEW men who are not pigs. One or two actually. Myself, and another guy. Thats not to say that there aren't any others out there....but...we are harder to find than a unicorn! :p LOL As Ariakis said, discussion is how to weed through them. If you find them on OKC, for example, and the first thing they want is more pics or naked pics, or they want to take the discussion sexual immediatly....Usually a sign of a pig. If you meet up with them, and then suddenly, they want to know if you want to go to a hotel room....pig! If you meet up with them, and tell them that you have to go....go home and suddenly, you have 15 texts about sex and how hot you guessed it...PIG!

Maybe I'm slow...Maybe I'm old fashioned. I've been out on 4 dates with my current interest. We've both show some attraction to each other, but I haven't really taken any conversations sexual yet. Why? Because I want to know HER....not just the sexual side of her. I want to know all about her. What she does for fun, who else she's dating if anyone, what she does for work, what kind of music does she like, is she a prissy girl...or a tomboy, how does she spend her free time....Those sort of things. If she wants to move faster than me, I'm sorry...I have to hold off and possibly even date someone else. If, however, she is willing to be patient and wait and also shows an interest in those same types of things from me....THEN I'm SUPER turned on and I have SO much more respect for her.

I've moved super fast before.... Like, slept with the girl on the first date....And some of the relationships lasted up to 3 years. But that was when it all fizzled out...I want this next one to last for a LOT longer than that. In order for that to happen, she has to get along with my wife.....

ALL men have pig qualities. MY version of a "pig" may not be the same as yours.....My own wife just pointed out some of MY pig ish qualities. :eek: DOH! LOL
Not all men are pigs, but certainly most. I think it's the way men are looked at by society and brought up how they "should" act. Most fathers, if their son got himself a girl, would give a high five or a hug or something. If his daughter got a guy, he'd probably get his cricket bat out and go on a hunt for this guy. =P

But as that is, there are many people who can control themselves fine and don't cave in to social expectations. Myself included.
I have found that it is very easy to "catch" most men who are pretending to be poly in order to find sex with a poly woman. A simple "What is a book about polyamory that you have read, or hope to read?" or "What's the name of our national organization?" will usually leave them flailing.

Single men as pigs, hmmm. I don't think it has anything to do with marital status. I look at online dating, whether on a poly site, a sex site, or a conventional dating site, as panning for gold in a sea of pigs. My boyfriend is certainly not a pig. My ex-boyfriend, who is single, while I could call him a lot of awful things, I would stop short of pig. I have some male friends whom I met online who are not pigs. I have interacted with people whose situation (married, not poly, cheating on their wife, or trying to) would lead me to believe that they must be pigs, and they were not at all (although I could not date them, because they were cheating). I have interacted with card-carrying poly guys who were most certainly pigs. I've met perfect gentlemen in the casual encounters section of Craigslist, and unbelievable pigs sporting very respectable-sounding profiles on OKcupid.

Oh, and the one-penis policy? Any woman who puts up with it in her relationships should ask herself, "Why does my man think it's less serious, less threatening, doesn't "count," as much when I am with a woman as when I am with a man? Could he be sending me a message that women themselves just don't matter as much as men?"

The only reason, as I see it, to EVER adopt a one-penis policy is if the couple is trying to get pregnant and doesn't want any potential questions about paternity. Otherwise, it's a bunch of controlling, sexist BS.
You know, TL4, I think it's about as fair to say that most men are pigs as it is to say that most women are pushovers. People pursue their desires. If their desires involve us, then it is up to us to check their bad behavior in that pursuit.

I can't remember if I read it recently here or on poly percs, but someone wisely wrote, "we teach others how to treat us."
I could see a universe in which, if casual sex never had serious consequences, at a certain stage of my life, I would have been much more open to experimentation (that is, no worries about disease, unwanted pregnancy, picking up gross stalker people, ruining chances at serious relationships or work opportunities etc.)
However, there is no action without a consequence, and I am very picky about who is in my life, so I have never really been about casual sex. But could I see it being perfectly fun in a world with vastly different attitudes, likely yes. I couldn't definitively say without being there.