Metamour love

redpepper

New member
I think that metamour love is something far more to be proud of than any other poly relationship dynamic. It's the most unique of all poly relationships I think... there is really nothing that can describe it. It's not the same as any other relationship dynamic that we as a culture understand... the only one I can think of is akin to a parent and child. A parent has to stand back and give their child space to be independent, yet love them and be standing at the door ready for anything if they are needed. they need to stand aside when they see their child learning their own lessons and pacing their own path with others. All the while just loving them for who they are. Very tricky with metamours this way and very difficult to maintain in a relationship that often is put upon a person rather than a parent... This is still not a good fit to describe the love between committed metamours, but that is the best I have come up with so far. Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Its no wonder that people new to a relationship and especially new to poly have a hard time. It's hard to accept a new metamour no matter how keen a person is and then there is the added confusion of it just not being familiar! I don't think our brains recognize such a relationship. Until a person decides that it might just be best to leave it and pave a new path, the brain just seems to be unable to budge from looking for a recognizable path to understanding...

I think often this confusion is mistaken for the confusion that comes from not understanding someone or how we are suppose to now be a part of their lives just because our partners are having a relationship with them... maybe people don't object to a metamour as much as they object to trying to figure out what kind of relationship they are suppose to have with them!

I'm finding it hard to even talk about as I find there is little language to use on the topic... some words and thoughts are welcome.

Really, hats off to great metamours... they truly are to be admired and celebrated.
 
Last edited:

ray

New member
maybe people don't object to a metamour as much as they object to trying to figure out what kind of relationship they are suppose to have with them!

Before I started dating O, I was friends with the two of them and didn't know that he was interested in a poly kind of thing. I felt slightly awkward around A (mainly because I had some feelings for O) but overall we had a good rapport and felt fairly comfortable. Then when I officially started seeing O it seemed like we didn't quite know what to do with each other (maybe it was just my perception) but it was definitely a transition and I feel like we've found a good rhythm for now of how the puzzle pieces fit together. But it was a bit awkward there for a little while. :)
 

Derbylicious

New member
It's a little bit sad that most of the world will never experience the relationship that metamours have with each other. It truly is something unique. One of the things that I love about the metamour relationship is seeing the similarities and differences between us. I get what my partners see in me by seeing it in someone else and I also appreciate what they are getting from their other partners that I can't offer because it's not who I am.

-Derby
 

Mohegan

New member
This is sad for me b/c I thought I'd get along great with Karma's g/f. When we talked poly, I had dreams of our happy little family. Living together and sharing life. Even she and I weren't in a relationship, I still looked forward to a close friendship. That isn't the case with g/f and it's a huge disapointment and causes issues for all of us.

When Panda lived with us, it was like a fairy tale. It upsets me that I don't have that with g/f.

I do think having a good relationship with metamours is a beautiful thing. Quite possibly one of the hardest to aquire.
 

geminigirl

New member
Currently, I am blessed with fantastic metamours -- really, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful poly family. I tend to feel about my metamours the way I feel about siblings -- instead of sharing a parent, we share a lover. Like siblings, we know we need not do EVERYTHING together, but we do have to share and we do have a family bond.

Along with Poly Valentine's Week (so we have enough days to spend one with each of our lovers) I think we need a Metamour Day! Yay, Metamours! :)
 

redpepper

New member
I tend to feel about my metamours the way I feel about siblings -- instead of sharing a parent, we share a lover. Like siblings, we know we need not do EVERYTHING together, but we do have to share and we do have a family bond.

yes, I like that... yet it still doesn't quite fit. A mix of several things perhaps? I don't know if it's necessary to find a fit really... just realizing that it's a unique relationship that grows into whatever it is suppose to be is perhaps enough...

I suck at being a metamour, just so you know. I have no idea how to do it.

any tips?
 

redpepper

New member
http://kikimuse.blogspot.com/2010/06/meta-moresomes.html

Maybe not quite what you asked about, RP, but a start.. ?

The author suggests that good metamour relations are important to good communication and balance in a relationship dynamic. That communciation is a special and delicate matter with metamours. Ain't that the truth.

There is mention of a hidden threesome when one is dating a couple, but actually, there is always a hidden threesome or triad going on, even in a vee. The ends of the vee have their own unique and special relationship. Nurturing that is very important to the health of the over all dynamic I think.

Threesomes sexually kind of are a tell tale way of that relationship dynamic playing out in an intensely emotional and hyped up environment if I were to think about it. At least in my experience.
 

redpepper

New member
Level of admittance...??? How so? I am curious if that would make a different thread. What makes you a bad metamour and why? (not YOU but overall...)

I teased someone once about being a meddling metamour. How's that for starters. Getting involved where their isn't an invite or a necessity.
 

redpepper

New member
Or the opposite Ari, avoiding entirely. Had that happen before. I've been guilt of that too. Maybe there is a fine line between avoiding and over involvement?
 

marksbabygirl

New member
This is an interesting subject for me... I tend to lean towards the "get involved" type metamour - I have an expectation that my Husband's other partner(s) will be involved in *our* life - in that we can all sit down and hang out on occasion. Not that we have to.

Its an interesting balance for me. Prior to this past month - anyone he's been involved with - I've also been involved with, and for the most part, vice versa. Relearning how to let go, and not be *involved* is an interesting journey... especially when he's involved with someone I was interested in... :p
 

Ariakas

Bosun
I teased someone once about being a meddling metamour. How's that for starters. Getting involved where their isn't an invite or a necessity.

Or the opposite Ari, avoiding entirely. Had that happen before. I've been guilt of that too. Maybe there is a fine line between avoiding and over involvement?

hmmm..I think the balance needs to be decided by the group. I like my metamours to know each other. Friendship is good, cordial is required.

Meddling, not a fan of with friendship, I can't foresee myself liking this in a lovers, lover. Unless of course I am involved with them too.

To distant...I can think of a situation where this is happening. It become almost like a DADT policy. Again this would have to work for the individuals. I wouldn' t be happy in that situation, I am just too damn social I think :)
 

redpepper

New member
Well the situation was that the wife of someone was trying to get their partner to be more involved in communicating with their shared partner. Because she knew him so well and that he can be neglectful of communicating, she was getting involved in facilitating their communication. My point to her was to not get involved in that way. They have their own relationship and it will play out the way it should just the two of them. To me, that's how it should be. Its that whole stepping back thing that parents do with their kids when they are attempting to make friends etc. and find their own way in life. Really it wasn't up to her to facilitate, perhaps offer suggestions to him under the guise of "sweetheart, I know you and I know you don't mean to neglect communicating, but, I know you tend to, perhaps you should try to keep that up with so and so..." and that's it, no more prompting than that. The rest is up to them.

Interestingly, the other partner didn't seem to value communicating the way that my friend did and it wasn't as big an issue as she thought it might be. Just goes to show, what one things will be a big deal or not to us is not to someone else. Standing back and observing, being there when needed is often the best one can do. Hands off approach kind of thing.
 
Last edited:

Gentlenest

New member
You friendly neighborhood lurker here. I just thought I needed to post something on this topic. I agree with Red that metamour love is a wonderful, rather unique thing in the poly frame. I'm gifted in that I have so many poly friends. So I get to see free love in action. No, not indiscriminate sex, just love. For multiple partners, for metamours, for your metamours and lover's children, for friends. Polyamoury may be unique that way, and I myself am so blessed.

I love you all. Even those of you I haven't met yet. :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:

SourGirl

Member
I think I would be a lousy metamour too.

I am not quite sure about this subject, but talking about it today,...My previous interactions indicate that I treat people the same under this title, that I would anywhere else in life.

If I find the person interesting, and want to befriend them, I will,..and it happens rather naturally. It`s fantastic when it does happen that way.

If I don`t, It`s 'Hello" and a courteous: 'Hi, How are you?" when I see them, that is it.

I am thinking this is more important in poly relationships that don`t subscribe to a Primary/Secondary title ?

When I think about my husband and his dating, I can`t say I feel a need to make sure I know everyone he dates.

Good subject to ponder, anyhow.
 

redpepper

New member
My previous interactions indicate that I treat people the same under this title, that I would anywhere else in life.

what do you mean by this? what do you mean when you say you "treat people the same?" The same as what in terms of elsewhere in your life? Sorry, I am not understanding. :confused:

Mono has talked of conscious consideration when it comes to his metamours. The whole idea that what I do affects everyone is an important one. If I chose to not engage in a metamours life and just say hi when I see them, how does that affect them and our shared partner? I know I would be very upset on the recieving end of a casual "hi." I would feel disrespected and unappreciated. At one end I would feel that I am not worth as much as they are because they are the primary and therefore I am secondary in terms of value, and, on the other end I would feel disrespected as a primary; after all, it is my husband that you are dating and what the two of you do affects my home, my family, my child and our way of life. I would feel very strongly that a metamour work on a relationship with me especially as PN invests a lot in those he deems worthy of his time and affection. No fly by night loves for him. I guess it would be different if his loves were just mildly entertaining for a time and nothing to take seriously unless he stumbled upon more with one of them.

I am thinking this is more important in poly relationships that don`t subscribe to a Primary/Secondary title ?

When I think about my husband and his dating, I can`t say I feel a need to make sure I know everyone he dates.

Really?! I would think it would mean more to those who subscribe to primary/secondary.... From my experience of others in a more casual, single style, dating kind of poly there is little to no interest of knowing someone else's partners other than knowing that they exist and who they are. There seems to be more of a pride and reassurance in knowing that ones partner has others and so do I, than knowing who those people are in any kind of close way. It almost seems like "phew, I don't have to worry about them wanting me all to themselves!" kind of thing.

I think people who have invested much more are more likely to want to invest in their partners lovers more... invest in their metamours more. After all, if a metamour disrupts the balance in some way as what happened with PN and my metamour, then everything is up turned... right down to my child being affected. If I had known her better, I could of maybe been more supportive to him in his time of sadness. I didn't know her very well, and was unable to be patient and forgiving at times... I don't think in a more casual kind of poly that happens as often.
 
Top