Metamours Relationship with Hinge is Too Big for My Relationship

T

ThistleRoot

New member
Hi all!

I've been with my partner for two years, and she's been with my metamur for 6 months. Their relationships has grown larger than works for me in my relationship with our hinge partner. Neither my metamur nor I are happy; we both want more time than we're able to get. It's been causing problems for the length of their time together. I don't think I can go on in this way any longer. I'm thinking about talking to her about the difficulties about this. I'd sill like to be with her, but It doesnt feel worth it in the current arrangement, and there doesnt seem to be space for renegotiation without one of us leaving. Im planning on letting her know how I feel and what id like, and give her some time to think about what she'd like to do with that information. If she can't decide, I'll have to leave.

Any thoughts on how's best to go about This? How much time do you think is reasonable to give her to think?

Anything I should think about before going down this path?

I get that this comes off as an ultimatum. How do I keep it out of that territory?
 
ThistleRoot said:
Hi all!

I've been with my partner for two years, and she's been with my metamur for 6 months. Their relationships has grown larger than works for me in my relationship with our hinge partner. Neither my metamur nor I are happy; we both want more time than we're able to get.
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How much time is each of you getting right now? How much time were you getting with your partner before she started dating your metamour?

As someone who has seen this issue from the perspective of the hinge, I sympathize. If she is like me, then she is likely feeling stressed and frustrated by the inability to please everyone. At the apex of my frustration with this, I drafted an excel spreadsheet proposing a weekly schedule allocating my time for work, my time for the house/errands/kids, and my time for each of them. I shared it with both of them and at the bottom I totalled the hours spent with each of them as proof that it would make things "fair" between the two of them.

Upon seeing the schedule, my therapist expressed a lot of concern over how little time was reserved for ME (or friends, or anything outside of work, childcare and relationships). I had maybe a total of 2 hours a week of "me time" ....even though I had categorized any time when I was alone and not actively paying attention to someone else as "me time" -- like the drive to pick up the kids from their grandparents'. It still took awhile before I was able to set some better boundaries (it's a work in progress) but when I think back on that calendar, I realize how much effort I was putting into making everyone else happy except me.

Anyway, that's enough about me. The point is, I think you would be best served by asking your partner how she feels about the balance of time in her life as a whole -- forget about the balance of time between the two of you for a moment and ask her just about how she feels about how she is spending her time. It may be that in order to forge healthier relationships with both of you, she needs to carve out time for herself. You might get less time in the end, but it might make all of you happier.
 
The problem you have is that you don't get the amount of time you would like to spend with your partner. Describe what you want (more time) rather than what you perceive to be the cause (her new partner) and let her work out how she is able to provide it. She may take some of the time allocated to her other partner and spend it with you; she may take some of the time allocated to repainting her house and spend it with you; she may tell you that there's no more room in her schedule and you can either take it or leave it.

Forget about "unless you spend at least as much time with me as with them you're being unfair" or "I've been here longer so I should get more time". Approach it as you would losing time together because your partner took up a time consuming activity like hiking.
 
Hello ThistleRoot,

I suppose I would give your partner a week or two to think about it (after you tell her what you need). Just be careful that you don't do anything you might regret later; be considerate towards her with respect to her point of view and the struggles she may have trying to keep two partners happy.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
ThistleRoot said:
Their relationship has grown larger than works for me in my relationship with our hinge partner. Neither my metamur nor I are happy; we both want more time than we're able to get.
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This is not a time issue at all, it's an emotional issue. If you both felt 1000% emotionally secure with your hinge, there would be absolutely no time squabble at all - you'd all be working out the calendar just fine. Don't argue over "time." That will never solve this. Focus more on the root of your unrest.
 
Emm said:
The problem you have is that you don't get the amount of time you would like to spend with your partner. Describe what you want (more time) rather than what you perceive to be the cause (her new partner) and let her work out how she is able to provide it. She may take some of the time allocated to her other partner and spend it with you; she may take some of the time allocated to repainting her house and spend it with you; she may tell you that there's no more room in her schedule and you can either take it or leave it.

Forget about "unless you spend at least as much time with me as with them you're being unfair" or "I've been here longer so I should get more time". Approach it as you would losing time together because your partner took up a time consuming activity like hiking.
Click to expand...

Sometimes I wish there was a "like" button. This is awesome advice.
 
Im planning on letting her know how I feel and what id like, and give her some time to think about what she'd like to do with that information. If she can't decide, I'll have to leave.
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Sounds like you know what you want to do.

Any thoughts on how's best to go about This? How much time do you think is reasonable to give her to think?
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Ask her how much time she needs to give you an answer. If she says 10 years say no.

If it's a more reasonable time frame like a few weeks or even a month, you can afford to be generous and let her have it.

Anything I should think about before going down this path?
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Don't compare to the other side of the V. Just ask for what you need more/less of on your side of the V. More face-to-face time, less texts, whatever it is.

For instance, if you need to see her 3x a week to be happy? Then ask for 3x a week. And she can figure out where in her time budget it comes from. Maybe she changes her gym class schedule or whatever.

I get that this comes off as an ultimatum. How do I keep it out of that territory?
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Why do you think it comes off as an ultimatum? I do not see that. You aren't planning on going "Gimme what I want or ELSE" to her menacingly.

It's not an ultimatum to state clearly what you need to be happy. If what you need is 3x a week? That's what you need. She cannot be a mind reader. Speak your truths simply and clearly.

If it turns out that you guys are not compatible and have to break up? Because she can only give 1x a week and you need at least 3x to feel good? Then you realize you guys are not compatible.

It's a bummer. But you are not going to threaten her for noncompliance and retaliate by burning down her house and town or FORCE her to give you 3x a week, right? If you are feeling anxious or worried about this upcoming conversation that is ok. But don't let those feelings blow things up out of proportion either.

Don't fear speaking your truths just because you think the other person is going to take it poorly. Focus on doing your side of the conversation job -- and let them do their side.

Let the outcome be what it will be.

Galagirl
 
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