Metamours: to meet or not to meet?


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So some of you may have read in my previous post about hating labels and how to explain polyamoury to a new interest... That is all sorted now. I've spoken to Ajax again about what it all means, and that I'm involved with someone else (Flax), and for now we're agreeing to keep seeing each other while he takes it all in etc.

The thing is, I'm not sure now how to proceed, having two proper involvements at the same time and in the same place. For the most part, I find people new to the idea of polyamoury preferring to be monogamous themselves, and to have things kept pretty separate.

BUT, the city in which I live is a pretty small place... everyone knows everyone else, pretty much. Flax and Ajax have common connections to some of my friends. The chances that they one day might need to be, or simply end up, in the same place at the same time are high. I've told each of them that I'm happy to do things how they want -- if they both want to keep things separate, I'll do my part to do that, or if they want to meet each other, I'm happy for that to happen, too. The thing is, I can't imagine either of them would want to be involved with the other. If they were to be in the same place at the same time, I can't imagine they'd be happy with me being entirely neutral towards both of them, nor with me being "with" both of them.

I just don't know how I could keep things entirely separate without unnatural scheduling and negotiating... For me, it would be best if they could at least be civil towards each other, and be able to handle "sharing" me at the same time. But I don't expect either of them to just agree to that.

So this isn't a simple question about what I should choose to do, as it's as much about what they want to do... But is there something in particular I should propose? Should we all just play it by ear and see what happens? Any suggestions? Thanks!
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Some unnatural scheduling and negotiating might actually work best at this very early stage. When you say involved, I take it to mean having any kind of relationship at all and not romantically involved. So are you afraid they might not get along at all? Are they two very different people?


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Depends on the individuals

Hi Zus,

Well, every situation is different but if you were going to make a broad general statement it would be that it's most beneficial when metamours know and at least respect each other.

Reasoning is simple - it fosters trust and comfort. People are most afraid of what they don't know !

But there are various possible combinations where 2 (or more) metas just would not click - or even respect each other.

So you have to evaluate this potential yourself. You are the one that knows them both - their views, lifestyles etc. It's not uncommon for us to have interests in people that are leagues apart. it satisfies OUR need for variety and balance but may be a friction point with them. Or a respect point of you !

My thoughts - unless you truly believe they'd get along fabulously with or without you......

Have a conversation with BOTH of them explaining to them both that knowing them both, you feel they'd clash and it's not beneficial for anyone to have all this drama surface if it can be avoided. Good enough to just know there IS someone else - and likely always will be - and let the unique relationships develop on their own. If in the future there appears more potential for something closer between all - cross that bridge when you come to it.

My thoughts anyway....



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I know there are as many ways of doing poly as there are those to do it, but, my wife and I have rules that we feel keeps things as not awkward ( wow does that word's spelling live up to it's name) as possible. We are each allowed one "trial" date with each person, after that, the hopeful needs to meet the spouse. The only real criteria for me (or her) giving the go ahead is if I think I can get along with her OSO.

I know many people who don't like to hear about or met metamores, but my wife and I get very NRE giddy and want to talk about them. Plus if any of these relationships are going to last, everyone has to know and like each other.


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I know many people who don't like to hear about or met metamores, but my wife and I get very NRE giddy and want to talk about them. Plus if any of these relationships are going to last, everyone has to know and like each other.

I have to disagree that everyone has to like each other. I think it's important that everyone is polite to each other and that there is respect from the shared partner to all involved and respect from everyone for the individual relationships. If you aren't in a relationship with someone there really isn't a reason to have to like them. It happens sometimes that you just don't have a lot in common with a metamour (which is totally ok).

There really isn't a rush for everyone to meet if no one feels comfortable with doing it yet. Although if you are together for any length of time and tend to run in the same circles chances are that there will come a time when a meeting isn't really avoidable. If you have the chance to meet before that to figure out where the comfort zone is around physical contact ect the event will probably go more smoothly.


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I have a really hard time, personally, with "rules" and "allowing" in poly. No offence to Derrythe on this one... as you say, different types of poly. I guess I have just been doing this way too long to be okay with putting any kind of box around things and setting everything up as if it is going to fail before it even happens. I guess rules might be built out of fear. I guess I just don't have any any more. There is trust there now.

I think if I were in your situation I would get on having an big 'ol meet and greet and see where it goes. You can have a coffee, or a beer or go for supper and everyone can get to know each other. They might be very different, but they are grown ups and we all have to get along with people that are not like us. You never know right? Maybe they will. They have like friends after all.

By meeting you can ask them both face to face together what would make them feel comfortable when you all happen to meet in social gathering. You can also ask them both how they would like to see time divided up... doing all of that together is the best way to ensure that they don't get some fantastical idea about who the other is and start bad mouthing or feeling resentful. They should have each others info I think, in case they have their own stuff to resolve on that kind of issue.

After that they don't have to hang out all the time, but being civil and courteous is appropriate and responsible. If something comes up they can call on each other, or you can all get together again. You might even schedules a meet for a few months from now and treat them both to dinner or something as a way to bring about a positive appreciative air... isn't that what this is all about, harmony and loving each other. It is to me anyway...

Rules tend to take away from the natural flow and positive community building I have found. There is enough rules we are suppose to follow. Poly for me is about making my own way with others that want to share in that experience with me and make their way also... not about telling others what to do and setting things up without any breathing room. Bedsides, mutual respect in metamour relationships make a HUGE difference to the longevity, grounding relationships have... all of them together.

Healthy tribes make healthy people I think. We are all connected and you can start that positively by acting and being positive and believing in their ability to be civil to one another. You never know how many other ways everyones lives will cross paths. Poly communities tend to cross over pretty quick in my experience, they will likely meet in more ways than one.


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I wouldn't say we operate on the veto system, neither of us would step in and interfere with each other's relationships, it's more that neither of us wants to be in a situation where our loves clash in a way that they can't get along or want nothing to do with each other. This "rule" is just the way we thought of to see if they can. I guess as we're still relatively new to this (only about three years) we'll likely find a better way. Though after that, the only things that approach rules in our style would be mentioning when one of us isn't coming home, and letting each other know about relationship milestones, but that's more of an "oh by the way," or "guess what ---- said".


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Thanks for all your input. It's interesting to hear how others go about this kind of thing.

As I said, it's okay with me however each of them wants to proceed -- although the running in the same circles thing concerns me.

Ideally, for me, I would want us to be able to all be together at the same time, and though they wouldn't have to like each other, I'd want them to be courteous and civil.

BlackUnicorn -- actually I would say they're romantic involvements. It's not the way I think about it exactly, but it's a distinction that would matter to each of the two of them. I guess you're right that in the early stages the scheduling might work best.

Derrythe, I do think they could click, but I'm not sure they could get past the idea of "sharing" at the same time. Although, having said that, they probably don't know yet if they'd handle it either! It's not like I go out especially looking for polys to get involved with, and with the majority of people being monogamously inclined, it tends to happen that I get involved with people for whom this whole idea is very new. It's like we're all just figuring things out as we go along. It's fun and refreshing to not have to impose arbitrary limitations, but with no rulebook it all just gets a little confusing :/

Redpepper, that is what I would most prefer - having a sit down and chat all together. The division of time thing is always an issue -- there are only so many days in the week! I also completely agree with what you say about respect and civility etc, and I would trust them to be that way towards each other. I just worry about awkwardness etc.