Metamours

crazylovely

New member
I could use some stories and experiences on meeting metamours.

I am new to being in a poly relationship, and am really trying to give this an honest chance.

I have been in this relationship for 4 months, he has been in another relationship for almost a year. She has been pressing to progress their relationship, and in that, meeting me.

Maybe it's a knee jerk reaction but I have no no no no no desire to ever meet her. Like ever.

I don't really know what the future holds right now and all it feels like to me is like meeting the wife for approval. And I'm not interested.
 

Candiedlove

New member
It's really not a big deal to meet a met amour. Seriously. Overthinking this. It's not like she's asking to be your best friend.

The agreement my partner and I have is, anyone of significance in each other's lives, we meet. Generally, this is easy as we date mutually. But, for example, he has a FWB. I have never met her and likely never will. She just isn't important enough and meeting her would imply more significance than she has. But I started dating a girl awhile back...while it never lasted long enough for them to meet, the understanding was always that we would all get together for dinner at least once.

However, I'm a bit confused on who is setting the standards here or what HE wants. Generally, the established couple/triad/quad whatever has rights in how and with whom they expand their "polyship."

You've said she's been in the relationship with him longest, yet you also say, "She has been pressing to progress their relationship, and in that, meeting me."
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Well, if you do not want to meet ever, state your preference.

If you rather renegotiate (ex: no meeting in person, 5 min Skype) then do that.

Nobody can make you do anything you do not want. So if you do not want to meet her, don't.

Galagirl
 
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Inyourendo

New member
generally speaking I don't meet anybody that my husband is having sex with. one of his long time lovers happen to live with my best friend so we kind of ended up in the same social circle. Another person wanted to meet me and she was going to a function that I would have normally gone to anyway so I was fine meeting her and my husband also had sex with a lot of my friends too I've already been acquainted with which is fine with that as well but if he were to meet somebody on his own generally I would not meet them. these people don't come to my home they aren't part of my life so there's no reason for me to be involved with them
 

crazylovely

New member
I'm not sure who is setting the standards.

My partner is attempting to have two girlfriends of equal stature.

I have been hearing from him on her wanting things to progress with them, which to me would put them as a primary couple.

He was having a party and had wanted us both to be there, but I felt the situation would be really awkward and not a great time for us to meet for the first time.

Which brought the question, why? Do I really even need to?

He is very social, so these situations will come up again. He'll invite everyone he wants to be there, and I can choose to attend or not. While not ideal to always be the one to remove myself, I'm not going to put expectations on him of how he navigates, but my navigation is telling me not to go there. He does respect that but has already said that "well in December when I have a bigger party it'll be less awkward for you to both be there".
 

Inyourendo

New member
she can be as co-primary that's fine there's no reason for you to meet her it won't make any difference if he wants to live with you have time to her half time what does it matter if you guys meet? If you don't want to meet her don't do it but if you feel like its just going to cause bad blood between you and her if you don't then maybe it's best that you do
 

Inyourendo

New member
and I don't blame you for not wanting to be at a party with someone else that he's saying I wouldn't want to either
 

crazylovely

New member
Right. I think at the moment until it settles in my head it would be worse if we did. I'm still not sure what I want of all of this, I don't want to be disrespectful, but I need a bit more space than the average bear sometimes.

I get the impression it's like she's reading a handbook, "ok so this is the next step so I'm going to meet her and we're going to move in together and yada yada yada.

So yeah, for now i'll stick to this as a boundary. My mind may change later on, but not right now.
 

crazylovely

New member
That said, anyone who wants to share the good the bad and the ugly of this while I overthink it to death, it would help.
 

Inyourendo

New member
well like I said one of the women that my husband dated for almost 2 years became one of my very best friends every time my husband I went out I always invited her long we would do things with our kids together it was really great it could be that you meet her and you end up really liking her on the other hand you could meet her just decide you don't like her but then least you met her but does mean uoy p keep seeing her
 

Invi

New member
If you're not yet comfortable meeting, then don't. If you never are, you never are. It may be wise to each have contact information for the other though, in case of emergency.

My partner is in two other relationships. I'd consider all three of his relationships to be some degree of serious.
I have met both of my metamours. One of whom I feel very close to. I expect I'll consider her to be family quite quickly. She's going to be staying with us over the holidays, helping me out after the baby is born, and so on.
The other, I can not stand.
 

nycindie

Active member
You don't have to meet your metamour if you don't want to. Respectful acknowledgment from afar is perfectly fine. Your metamour only needs to manage her own relationship with your bf, but she doesn't have any say in your relationship with him. So, just because meeting you seems to represent "progressing her relationship" with him, doesn't mean that you have the same standards for your relationship, nor that you are required to comply with what she wants if it makes you uncomfortable at this point. Simply tell them you're not ready for that kind of step and prefer that you go at your own pace for meeting anyone else in his life.
 

nycindie

Active member
Generally, the established couple/triad/quad whatever has rights in how and with whom they expand their "polyship.

There is actually no "generally" in poly. For very couple-centric newbies, people into hierarchical poly, or for those who mistakenly believe that poly needs tons of rules to work, what you described might apply. But for polyfolk who respect each person's autonomy and the value of letting each dyad flourish and grow on its own, one pair dictating who and how others are "allowed" to interact and relate with one or the other of them would never be acceptable!
 
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reflections

New member
I do agree with everyone who suggested if you don't want to meet, don't meet.

Just a few thoughts - first of all, I had explicitly asked to meet my metamour. I knew I would run into her sooner or later, and I thought if I met her, I may like her and feel more comfortable adjusting to this poly lifestyle. The three of us had a brief getting-to-know-each-other chat. I was quite glad that I did, as I did like her and could understand why my hubby liked her.

The other reason why I needed to meet her for myself was to make their relationship more real to me. I knew it was easy for me to slip into "oh he's just visiting a friend" mentality and avoid the tough feelings of jealousy if I hadn't met her. I was also glad to have a planned meeting, instead of randomly seeing her and being taken by surprise.

I wonder if part of your hesitation to meet her is due to your discomfort with them "progressing" in their relationship and not wanting to contribute to that...? I could be completely off base, but it was something that popped in my head, as you may feel afraid of being relegated to "secondary" after meeting her. Perhaps I'm wrong?
 

Becca

Member
Make your own choices of course, but in my experience, my relationships were the healthiest when I developed a friendly connection with metamours.

The metamour who didn't want to meet me... Ended up showing the she'd let jealousy affect her so much, she worked hard at breaking up my relationship. It got ugly. She told some really mean lies, became really manipułative. And they broke up.

That's just my experience, but her desire not to see me turned out to be a desire to believe I didn't exist. And that got really messy.
 

Candiedlove

New member
There is actually no "generally" in poly. For very couple-centric newbies, people into hierarchical poly, or for those who mistakenly believe that poly needs tons of rules to work, what you described might apply. But for polyfolk who respect each person's autonomy and the value of letting each dyad flourish and grow on its own, one pair dictating who and how others are "allowed" to interact and relate with one or the other of them would never be acceptable!

I should probably have said generally in relationships, mono or poly or whatever. And of course the existing 'ship has say into how their 'ship works. Rules, standards, whatever. If I start dating A's husband B, and their relationship says only threesomes with both A and B are allowed, I can't just change that. Once I'm accepted by both A and B, and am a part of things, I can help negotiate the rules. Or, in a more poly sense, say, I start dating a triad. I want a DaDt, but that's not their standards. If I change that with A, arbitrarily, without A or me having asked B, than that's kind of cheating. Or at least, not very ethical.

I suppose if it's all loose network poly with everyone dating separately, that gets harder to define. But each unique couple/triad/etc within the network gets to define the boundaries of their own group, even if those boundaries are, "There are no boundaries."
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
There is actually no "generally" in poly. For very couple-centric newbies, people into hierarchical poly, or for those who mistakenly believe that poly needs tons of rules to work, what you described might apply. But for polyfolk who respect each person's autonomy and the value of letting each dyad flourish and grow on its own, one pair dictating who and how others are "allowed" to interact and relate with one or the other of them would never be acceptable!

Amen...

I have been married for over 13 years to Butch. He has absolutely NO say in my relationship with Murf. It has been that way since day one.

Butch's girlfriend has no say over me and I have no say in their relationship.

If you need rules and boundries over the nature of a partners outside relationships to keep a partner happy someone usually the newer partner gets hurt.
 

LoveBunny

Active member
Do you think by NOT meeting your partner's partner/s, by refusing to, say, attend a party where your metamour will be, you are a) limiting your level of involvement in your lover's life, b) putting your partner in the awkward position of having to, essentially "choose" which of you will be at his side if he wants to have a group get-together?

I had this argument with my husband when he was insisting that I meticulously keep "worlds from colliding." I found it upsetting that if I had a celebration on my birthday, I would only be allowed to invite him OR the person I was dating, not both. I felt it made me unable to actually let anyone deeply into my life, that I would always have to keep my loves utterly separated.

If I were you, I'd go ahead and meet her. If you don't feel any connection to your metamour, you don't have to be friends, but at least you will all know that you can be in the same room together and be civil and there won't be awkwardness if your out with him and run into her, or vice-versa.
 

Nadya

Member
My advice is: proceed on your own pace. Do not meet her if you are not ready for it.

My husband CJ refused to meet any of my others until I had been with Mark for a half-year or so. By then he started getting curious about Mark and suggested a meeting himself.

That meeting went really well, and they have since built up a friendship. But, had I or Mark insisted on that meeting, I doubt it would have gone as well.

Also, never meeting a metamour is a valid option. That would put some restrictions of how your bf can build up his life, but those might be okay. I mean, if he has parties and is not able to have both of you there simultaneously - so then he can take turns in inviting one or the other. Should not be that big a deal.
 

crazylovely

New member
I wouldn't say I'm afraid of being secondary, but moreso I do not want to be in a situation that I feel is being run by someone else.

I have dated another person who is married, and I have no issues with his other people because our definitions are clearly set, and they all live far enough away that our worlds colliding in any way are unlikely.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. Yes, as long as I run my own ship i'll be happy. I am taking a bit of a wait and see approach to this whole situation. I'd rather sit as a fly on the wall for awhile and then decide how to handle it when I know more about what the facts are.
 
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