MF couple considering a quad

M

MisterMrs

New member
Hi,

We are a very happy MF couple, married for 6 years. We have recently seriously thought about trying some things out with some good friends of ours, another MF couple. They have had their fair share of experiences and rough times. They have had 3somes and 4somes before, and even considered taking on a female in the relationship as a permanent figure. (Due to that individual's lack of maturity, however, it did not work out.)

My wife and I have been good friends with this couple for a long time now. My wife and the other woman have kissed a few times while partying together. My wife is openly bi-curious. I am taking a very careful and mature approach to this, not your typical macho "Yeah, another girl!" thing. This is ultimately about her.

We have been seriously discussing the possibilities of all of us going on a vacation together and trying this out. We are very new to this, and want advice on how to make this fun, exciting, mature, and overall a great growing/learning experience. We all want it to help us grow as friends and couples.

We all agree that:

Our friendships and marriages must come first and foremost.
We must respect everyone involved.
There must always be trust.
We must never be with the other people sexually alone. It is all or nothing.

Those are the rules we have thus far.

Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful, or will it ruin friendships and marriages? I am really trying to make this about her, and what she wants, as she explores these fantasies. I want to make sure it is done right. My wife and her friend have a very close friendship and that is very important to maintain. She has everything to lose.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mister
 
MisterMrs said:
Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful, or will it ruin friendships and marriages?
Click to expand...

Hi! Welcome to the forum, good to have you.

Answered in order asked:
Yes, Yes, Yes, and it's possible.

Most likely it won't ruin any marriages. If you can all be mature and honest about your feelings, and accepting of everyone else's feelings, there is no reason it should ruin the friendships, either. You all have to be prepared for the possibility that it won't work. That won't make you failures as people, just not compatible as lovers. There's nothing wrong with that.

Polyamory is just like monoamory, but with more people. Whenever any friendship "takes that next step," it's always possible that things won't work and the friendship will become awkward and forced, eventually dissolving away. But I feel that the best things in life are never without risk, so why not go for it and see where it goes?

The most important thing will be authentic communication and honesty.
 
Excellent advice. What questions do we need to ask to see if we are compatible? How do we know if we are truly ready?
 
MisterMrs said:
We all agree that our friendships and marriages must come first and foremost. We must respect everyone involved. There must always be trust. We must never be with the other people sexually alone. It is all or nothing. Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful? Or will it ruin friendships and marriages? I am really trying to make this about her and what she wants. I want to make sure it is done right. My wife and her friend have a very close friendship and that is very important to maintain. She has everything to lose.
Click to expand...
Well, it's great to hear you are creating some boundaries that you can all agree on. The boundaries you have created are not necessarily going to work for the long haul, but for one weekend, maybe. As long as you are aware that they are fluid and meant to be a work in constant process, then you should be fine, for now. If it comes up on the fly that they aren't working, then stop and adjust them in the moment.

Be careful about making this about other people. It's very nice that you are so concerned about her, but I think it wise to keep tabs on what is going on emotionally for you, too. Make sure you express what is okay with you, for real, and what is a struggle. Without radical honesty at the early onset, those little things can turn into huge things very quickly. But doesn't have to be so if people just speak up so everyone can adjust and make room for a different take on the situation. No one person should be creating the scene if you want this to work.

If it only lasts for a short while, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with that. It can be seen as a learning process. Hopefully the friendships you have already created will grow from the experience, rather than bust apart. Usually the busting apart happens because of unforeseen love between people.

Again... check what you are thinking and feeling and ask them to do the same.

There are some really good threads if you do a search here. Look under "foundations" and "lessons" to see what others have experienced and learned along the way.
 
MisterMrs said:
Our friendships and marriages must come first and foremost. We must respect everyone involved. There must always be trust. We must never be with the other people sexually alone. Those are the rules.
Click to expand...

Rules shmules.

Well, that's a lie.

Safety first.

It sounds like you're looking for a how-to manual. There really isn't one, as every situation and relationship are different.

Be open, be honest, and own your feelings.

I suspect that what Redpepper was getting at wasn't that you will need different rules for the long term, but rather you'll find that in the long term, rules become more of a burden and a restriction.

For example, it might turn out that the two women have a really strong attraction and want to spend some alone time together. Your rule will prohibit that, and they may feel like you and the other guy are holding them back. That could lead to resentment.

You might find that this whole thing ends up making you feel really jealous. In an effort to stem the discomfort that brings up, you might try to impose new rules that you think will make it easier for you. That could make everyone else feel resentful that you're holding them all back.

These are just hypothetical examples, of course, but those are the kinds of possibilities that show the downsides of rules.
 
Last edited:
From what I understand about polyamorous group relationships, a long-term rule that no one gets to have sex unless all four (or however many) are in the mood is unrealistic. Some people might want sex once or twice a day, while some might be good with once a week or less.

Of course, on vacation mode, outside your usual element, just for a weekend, all four of you might be very turned on, and everyone might want sex two or three times a day.

But if this romantic/sexual relationship for the women lasts, if sex remains on the table, and your wife really wants to explore her lesbian side, she and her gf might want to meet separately and have sex one-on-one regularly (just as you and your wife will). They will not necessarily always also want the two guys in the bed, penises aloft, participating, or at least watching!

Secondly, wanting to put your marriage first is natural, but NRE can lead a person to obsess about the new love/sex interest, and that needs to be dealt with carefully and sensitively. NRE floods the body with sexy bonding hormones, and is notoriously resistant to "rules."
 
I don't know if you all live nearby each other, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest taking a vacation together unless it's one you can easily escape from. You never know what feelings might get brought up.

In my case, at least, if I ended up getting overwhelmed with things, I would prefer being able to escape back to the "safety" of my own house and bed. Some people don't travel well. If this doesn't work out, it could become a much bigger deal than if you were just hanging out at home.

A nice hotel or an inexpensive vacation house rental a couple hours away might be something I would try. But I kind of look at it like the whole "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" idea. Why would you want to go away to try this? If it's about friendship and sex, and you do it in a more known and comfortable setting, I imagine it would feel easier and more natural to do it a second time, if it works out. Going out of town to do it might be more exciting, because it would enhance the anticipation. But for me, I think there would be a disconnect with the other people once I was back home.

Instead of rules, you could discuss boundaries around this situation, and agree that whether it worked out or not, THEN you would sit down and negotiate agreements for future relationships, if you don't want to get bogged down in too much decision-making right now.

Listen to Redpepper. Read the foundation threads, get a book or two, and discuss them with each other.
 
MisterMrs said:
There must always be trust. We must never be with the other people sexually alone. It's all or nothing.
Click to expand...

As others have stated, the "all or nothing" idea can and most likely will set you up for failure, or at least hurt feelings.

People aren't equipped with on/off switches, and somewhere down the line some two or three will want sex when the other one or two don't. Imagine the pressure on that odd one out to have sex anyway, so that everyone else can have sex. Imagine how restricted the two or three will feel, especially if they have begun to love each other.

While the "no sex unless everyone is having sex" rule might SEEM like it's going to protect your primary relationships, the reality will probably be the opposite.

You should also consider discussing YOUR role in this. Sure, this is mostly for your wife. But what if, for example, you and the other woman get to talking and find out that you both just LOVE going fishing? What if you turn into fishing buddies and go fishing every Tuesday? What if those fishing dates allow you more insights into each other and you fall in love? What if she l finds you to be more interesting than your wife and wants to spend more time with you than with your wife? You can't plan attraction, after all.

Likewise, what if the other man and your wife both love bowling, and start going bowling together on Wednesdays? What if they fall in love, et cetera?

There are a whole lot of "what-ifs" to think about. Be certain that you WILL eventually come upon scenarios you never thought of, too.

Just some thoughts for you.
 
MisterMrs said:
Hi,

We are a very happy MF couple, married for 6 years. We have recently seriously thought about trying some things out with some good friends of ours, another MF couple. They have had their fair share of experiences and rough times. They have had 3somes and 4somes before, and even considered taking on a female in the relationship as a permanent figure. (Due to that individual's lack of maturity, however, it did not work out.)

My wife and I have been good friends with this couple for a long time now. My wife and the other woman have kissed a few times while partying together. My wife is openly bi-curious. I am taking a very careful and mature approach to this, not your typical macho "Yeah, another girl!" thing. This is ultimately about her.

We have been seriously discussing the possibilities of all of us going on a vacation together and trying this out. We are very new to this, and want advice on how to make this fun, exciting, mature, and overall a great growing/learning experience. We all want it to help us grow as friends and couples.

We all agree that:

Our friendships and marriages must come first and foremost.
We must respect everyone involved.
There must always be trust.
We must never be with the other people sexually alone. It is all or nothing.

Those are the rules we have thus far.

Can this work? Can it last for longer than one night? Can it grow into something beautiful, or will it ruin friendships and marriages? I am really trying to make this about her, and what she wants, as she explores these fantasies. I want to make sure it is done right. My wife and her friend have a very close friendship and that is very important to maintain. She has everything to lose.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mister
Click to expand...
This is a very old thread, and the OP is long gone. Maybe he didn't like the advice he got...

Anyway, I thought it was an interesting thread because of the assumptions made in the list of rules "Mister" and "Mrs" made, in agreement with the allegedly more experienced polyamorous couple.

If I'd been here at the time, I would have asked this guy how and why the men needed to be involved, if it *isn't* a "typical macho 'Yeah, another woman'" kind of thing. If the women are attracted to each other, well and good. They can make out, fool around, get naked and have sex their way.

But what are the guys' roles in this attraction between the women? Are both guys also attracted to each other's wives? More importantly, are both women attracted to each other's husbands? That was not even mentioned! It's just assumed that when the members of the two couples want to mess around, everyone must get in bed together every time.

Will the two couples expect to share a hotel room with two big beds? Or will each couple have their own room with one bed? Maybe if the hotel room has, or rooms have, two beds, the people will pair off somehow for sex. Most beds aren't big enough for four. Even a king-sized bed can only comfortably hold three. Who will be the odd person out? Will someone have to go sit on a chair and watch, and wait for their turn?

Must there be penis-in-vagina sex between the Husband X and Wife Y every time? Or could the men just watch the women get it on? Or will each man only have sex with his own wife at some point during a sex session? There's no talk of the men being attracted to each other, so I guess there will be no MM action.

If this were me, and I were attracted to the woman of a married couple, I'd want privacy to go off and explore each other's souls and minds and bodies, in a one-on-one intimate way. If I wanted to kiss a woman, and do sex with her, I wouldn't assume her husband would expect to have access to my body, as a matter of course.

This all makes me wonder if the former unicorn of the other couple was "immature," or just not into being a sex toy for the couple, assumed to be open for business to both, whenever she just wanted sex or a date with one or the other.
 
Yeah, I cringed a little at the rule that sex was "all or nothing" for the quad in question. Every polycule is unique, and I suppose that rule might be right for this quad and might work for this quad, but I would consider that a rare situation.
 
I know...

I am not a big fan of group sex. I like twosomes. I think if the women wanted to explore their bi sides, they could go to a bedroom and do that, and the guys could go entertain themselves otherwise. If they're on vacation there must be other things they could go do for a couple hours. Preferably something very active, like hiking, rock climbing, swimming, tennis... Otherwise it really does come off as "Yeah, another woman for ME to fuck!"

I wish we could've been updated on how this all went. lol :sneaky:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top