This is my first post here but I’ve been around for a long time. I signed up in mid 2013 but started reading at the beginning of that year. To give you an idea of where I’m at I’ll start with the signature I wrote for myself around then: “Mono girl with a mono boyfriend. What am I doing here? It may not be for me personally but I find poly relationships intriguing and honestly, vastly more interesting in their many shapes and forms to read about than conventional unions.”
Most of this remains true, only I am no longer with said “mono boyfriend” and I am beginning to question the “mono” girl part. I’ll spare you my life story for the most part but I am still very young, in my early, early twenties and I originally investigated poly in 2013 to see if I identified with it. The seed had been planted into my mind long ago by stories, imagination and admittedly porn, but I’d never realised polyamory could actually exist/work in real life, prior to this forum I thought it a thing of fantasy.
Quickly I came to understand that the “poly” as I had understood it before, didn’t exist, THAT was fantasy. But reading about polyamory in it’s real world many shapes and forms really interested me, to the point where I was actually disappointed when I can to the conclusion that I was mono. I started in the Poly Relationships Corner so believe you me, I understood their were just as many if not more potential problems and issues a ploy couple could face but there was one joy I continued to find as I read people’s stories. The joy of being able to love someone just as they were. With the prospect of multiple partners, no partner had to be your one fits all, no partner needed to fulfil you in every way. There was a freedom there that spoke to me.
But I concluded I was mono because when I weighed things up, I didn’t think I could handle multiple relationships. I know that I tend to get blinkers when I’m in a relationship. When I’m in a healthy mono relationship I feel very secure and never really felt I needed anything else, the only times I’ve felt like looking else where were times when the relationship wasn’t healthy and knew that was nothing about being polyamous but being unhappy with the relationship I already had. I also struggled to imagine how I’d juggle two relationships/attractions since I’m always so focused on a single when I have one.
So I put my pondering to rest and concluded at I was mono but felt I learned a lot through my journey. I used to be a very easily jealous and sometimes possessive person, but though my readings here I saw how jealousy and possessiveness twisted and ruined relationships more than anything else and I learned from it, becoming almost devoid of jealousy in particular because I was able to reason myself out of it to the point where it just… stopped occurring. On the other hand I became less tolerant of unhealthy relationships of all kinds and channeled a lot of the advice I’d read into bettering all my relationships and ended up helping quite a few friends out with their’s.
But recently I come across something in myself that has sent me right back into questioning my mono status. About half a year ago a couple of friends I’d see about once a year announced to me that they were in a relationship and I was ecstatic for them! It were such brilliant friends, it was fantastic that I’d worked being romantic as well worked for them. A few months later and they told me they were getting married and I was even more happy and excited for them! They were going to be my friend friends married and the first wedding I’d go to that I actually cared about. Their wedding was lovely and I was just about bubbling over with joy for them, there were many hugs and heart felt “I love you guys” and “Aw! We love you too!”s over the night and I felt closer to them than ever, funny how their wedding really kickstarted our friendship.
We’ve caught up several times since and it’s been great, I really genuinely enjoy their company and then just recently they decided to share with me, among only a very small group of family and friends, that she is pregnant! I was over the moon when they told me, a baby! How fantastic! But they’re well over half way through their twenties and it’s perfect timing for them. ♥
So here is my dilemma. I feel attracted to them along side my strong fondness of them. This is odd for me on many levels, for one, I’ve always thought myself straight sexually. I could plausibly see myself in a romantic scenario with another woman but sexually, I’d always feel like something is missing. I really like with sex dudes. So I can’t see myself choosing to go without it, i.e. being exclusively with a woman.
After speaking with one, very close friend, I was told that he never thought I was completely straight anyway and we reasoned that perhaps the attraction was possible because there is also a him in the equation. Because it feels like my attraction if pointed towards them, together, stronger than it is towards either individually. Being attracted to him isn't so strange, though it is a little strange that I've only started to him him attractive since they'd started dating, but his appearance has also changed a lot over the last year. All of it together just makes for one big confusing feeling though.
Regardless, the situation is moot point. While they are also very fond of me, I have no plans to tell my married friends as I would in no way expect them to reciprocate. They are just newly life-long committed to each other and now with a child on the way. They have a lot on and I strongly doubt opening their relationship would be on the table, not now nor do I have reason to suspect ever. We will just stay close friends and I can be at piece with that easily, I do adore them as friends after all.
But this has led to many personal questions about myself that I have yet to settle with answers for. How about you, dearest poly community, what do you think? And did you ever experience anything similar?
Most of this remains true, only I am no longer with said “mono boyfriend” and I am beginning to question the “mono” girl part. I’ll spare you my life story for the most part but I am still very young, in my early, early twenties and I originally investigated poly in 2013 to see if I identified with it. The seed had been planted into my mind long ago by stories, imagination and admittedly porn, but I’d never realised polyamory could actually exist/work in real life, prior to this forum I thought it a thing of fantasy.
Quickly I came to understand that the “poly” as I had understood it before, didn’t exist, THAT was fantasy. But reading about polyamory in it’s real world many shapes and forms really interested me, to the point where I was actually disappointed when I can to the conclusion that I was mono. I started in the Poly Relationships Corner so believe you me, I understood their were just as many if not more potential problems and issues a ploy couple could face but there was one joy I continued to find as I read people’s stories. The joy of being able to love someone just as they were. With the prospect of multiple partners, no partner had to be your one fits all, no partner needed to fulfil you in every way. There was a freedom there that spoke to me.
But I concluded I was mono because when I weighed things up, I didn’t think I could handle multiple relationships. I know that I tend to get blinkers when I’m in a relationship. When I’m in a healthy mono relationship I feel very secure and never really felt I needed anything else, the only times I’ve felt like looking else where were times when the relationship wasn’t healthy and knew that was nothing about being polyamous but being unhappy with the relationship I already had. I also struggled to imagine how I’d juggle two relationships/attractions since I’m always so focused on a single when I have one.
So I put my pondering to rest and concluded at I was mono but felt I learned a lot through my journey. I used to be a very easily jealous and sometimes possessive person, but though my readings here I saw how jealousy and possessiveness twisted and ruined relationships more than anything else and I learned from it, becoming almost devoid of jealousy in particular because I was able to reason myself out of it to the point where it just… stopped occurring. On the other hand I became less tolerant of unhealthy relationships of all kinds and channeled a lot of the advice I’d read into bettering all my relationships and ended up helping quite a few friends out with their’s.
But recently I come across something in myself that has sent me right back into questioning my mono status. About half a year ago a couple of friends I’d see about once a year announced to me that they were in a relationship and I was ecstatic for them! It were such brilliant friends, it was fantastic that I’d worked being romantic as well worked for them. A few months later and they told me they were getting married and I was even more happy and excited for them! They were going to be my friend friends married and the first wedding I’d go to that I actually cared about. Their wedding was lovely and I was just about bubbling over with joy for them, there were many hugs and heart felt “I love you guys” and “Aw! We love you too!”s over the night and I felt closer to them than ever, funny how their wedding really kickstarted our friendship.
We’ve caught up several times since and it’s been great, I really genuinely enjoy their company and then just recently they decided to share with me, among only a very small group of family and friends, that she is pregnant! I was over the moon when they told me, a baby! How fantastic! But they’re well over half way through their twenties and it’s perfect timing for them. ♥
So here is my dilemma. I feel attracted to them along side my strong fondness of them. This is odd for me on many levels, for one, I’ve always thought myself straight sexually. I could plausibly see myself in a romantic scenario with another woman but sexually, I’d always feel like something is missing. I really like with sex dudes. So I can’t see myself choosing to go without it, i.e. being exclusively with a woman.
After speaking with one, very close friend, I was told that he never thought I was completely straight anyway and we reasoned that perhaps the attraction was possible because there is also a him in the equation. Because it feels like my attraction if pointed towards them, together, stronger than it is towards either individually. Being attracted to him isn't so strange, though it is a little strange that I've only started to him him attractive since they'd started dating, but his appearance has also changed a lot over the last year. All of it together just makes for one big confusing feeling though.
Regardless, the situation is moot point. While they are also very fond of me, I have no plans to tell my married friends as I would in no way expect them to reciprocate. They are just newly life-long committed to each other and now with a child on the way. They have a lot on and I strongly doubt opening their relationship would be on the table, not now nor do I have reason to suspect ever. We will just stay close friends and I can be at piece with that easily, I do adore them as friends after all.
But this has led to many personal questions about myself that I have yet to settle with answers for. How about you, dearest poly community, what do you think? And did you ever experience anything similar?
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