Might I be ploy after all?

Velope

New member
This is my first post here but I’ve been around for a long time. I signed up in mid 2013 but started reading at the beginning of that year. To give you an idea of where I’m at I’ll start with the signature I wrote for myself around then: “Mono girl with a mono boyfriend. What am I doing here? It may not be for me personally but I find poly relationships intriguing and honestly, vastly more interesting in their many shapes and forms to read about than conventional unions.”

Most of this remains true, only I am no longer with said “mono boyfriend” and I am beginning to question the “mono” girl part. I’ll spare you my life story for the most part but I am still very young, in my early, early twenties and I originally investigated poly in 2013 to see if I identified with it. The seed had been planted into my mind long ago by stories, imagination and admittedly porn, but I’d never realised polyamory could actually exist/work in real life, prior to this forum I thought it a thing of fantasy.

Quickly I came to understand that the “poly” as I had understood it before, didn’t exist, THAT was fantasy. But reading about polyamory in it’s real world many shapes and forms really interested me, to the point where I was actually disappointed when I can to the conclusion that I was mono. I started in the Poly Relationships Corner so believe you me, I understood their were just as many if not more potential problems and issues a ploy couple could face but there was one joy I continued to find as I read people’s stories. The joy of being able to love someone just as they were. With the prospect of multiple partners, no partner had to be your one fits all, no partner needed to fulfil you in every way. There was a freedom there that spoke to me.

But I concluded I was mono because when I weighed things up, I didn’t think I could handle multiple relationships. I know that I tend to get blinkers when I’m in a relationship. When I’m in a healthy mono relationship I feel very secure and never really felt I needed anything else, the only times I’ve felt like looking else where were times when the relationship wasn’t healthy and knew that was nothing about being polyamous but being unhappy with the relationship I already had. I also struggled to imagine how I’d juggle two relationships/attractions since I’m always so focused on a single when I have one.

So I put my pondering to rest and concluded at I was mono but felt I learned a lot through my journey. I used to be a very easily jealous and sometimes possessive person, but though my readings here I saw how jealousy and possessiveness twisted and ruined relationships more than anything else and I learned from it, becoming almost devoid of jealousy in particular because I was able to reason myself out of it to the point where it just… stopped occurring. On the other hand I became less tolerant of unhealthy relationships of all kinds and channeled a lot of the advice I’d read into bettering all my relationships and ended up helping quite a few friends out with their’s.

But recently I come across something in myself that has sent me right back into questioning my mono status. About half a year ago a couple of friends I’d see about once a year announced to me that they were in a relationship and I was ecstatic for them! It were such brilliant friends, it was fantastic that I’d worked being romantic as well worked for them. A few months later and they told me they were getting married and I was even more happy and excited for them! They were going to be my friend friends married and the first wedding I’d go to that I actually cared about. Their wedding was lovely and I was just about bubbling over with joy for them, there were many hugs and heart felt “I love you guys” and “Aw! We love you too!”s over the night and I felt closer to them than ever, funny how their wedding really kickstarted our friendship. :)

We’ve caught up several times since and it’s been great, I really genuinely enjoy their company and then just recently they decided to share with me, among only a very small group of family and friends, that she is pregnant! I was over the moon when they told me, a baby! How fantastic! But they’re well over half way through their twenties and it’s perfect timing for them. ♥

So here is my dilemma. I feel attracted to them along side my strong fondness of them. This is odd for me on many levels, for one, I’ve always thought myself straight sexually. I could plausibly see myself in a romantic scenario with another woman but sexually, I’d always feel like something is missing. I really like with sex dudes. So I can’t see myself choosing to go without it, i.e. being exclusively with a woman.

After speaking with one, very close friend, I was told that he never thought I was completely straight anyway and we reasoned that perhaps the attraction was possible because there is also a him in the equation. Because it feels like my attraction if pointed towards them, together, stronger than it is towards either individually. Being attracted to him isn't so strange, though it is a little strange that I've only started to him him attractive since they'd started dating, but his appearance has also changed a lot over the last year. All of it together just makes for one big confusing feeling though.

Regardless, the situation is moot point. While they are also very fond of me, I have no plans to tell my married friends as I would in no way expect them to reciprocate. They are just newly life-long committed to each other and now with a child on the way. They have a lot on and I strongly doubt opening their relationship would be on the table, not now nor do I have reason to suspect ever. We will just stay close friends and I can be at piece with that easily, I do adore them as friends after all.

But this has led to many personal questions about myself that I have yet to settle with answers for. How about you, dearest poly community, what do you think? And did you ever experience anything similar?
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Velope,
Welcome (officially) to our forum. Please feel free to continue to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in a V with a married couple ... so the wife is the hinge/pivot of the V, and her husband and I are the two "legs" of the V. I would have never thought it was possible for me to be included in their marital relationship, but here I am. I'm glad I confessed to the wife that I was attracted to her; that's what got it all started.

You'll have to decide for yourself whether to confess your love to this couple you're such good friends with. It is a scary thing to confess, but sometimes it has amazing rewards. Hopefully worst-case scenario you would still have your friendship with them intact.

It sounds like you might indeed be poly after all.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Velope

New member
Thanks for your reply! :eek:

I actually saw these friends yesterday, mostly the wife as she was having a bad day. I was too curious and brought up that I was debating between whether I'm mono or poly, though not what brought on this thinking. She confided that she'd thought about poly herself and that she wouldn't mind giving it a try herself but she'd spoken to her husband and he wasn't terribly keen with the idea of her sleeping with another man. The door feels a little more open but at the moment I still think I'll hold out.

But the more I think about it, the more I think poly is for me after all. :rolleyes:
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
... The joy of being able to love someone just as they were. With the prospect of multiple partners, no partner had to be your one fits all, no partner needed to fulfil you in every way. There was a freedom there that spoke to me...

This is what appealed to me about poly - long before I experienced "love" first-hand.

...I saw how jealousy and possessiveness twisted and ruined relationships more than anything else and I learned from it, becoming almost devoid of jealousy in particular because I was able to reason myself out of it to the point where it just… stopped occurring. On the other hand I became less tolerant of unhealthy relationships of all kinds and channeled a lot of the advice I’d read into bettering all my relationships and ended up helping quite a few friends out with their’s.

I have found this to be true as well! :p

So here is my dilemma. I feel attracted to them along side my strong fondness of them. This is odd for me on many levels, for one, I’ve always thought myself straight sexually. I could plausibly see myself in a romantic scenario with another woman but sexually, I’d always feel like something is missing. I really like with sex dudes. So I can’t see myself choosing to go without it, i.e. being exclusively with a woman.

After speaking with one, very close friend, I was told that he never thought I was completely straight anyway and we reasoned that perhaps the attraction was possible because there is also a him in the equation. Because it feels like my attraction if pointed towards them, together, stronger than it is towards either individually. Being attracted to him isn't so strange, though it is a little strange that I've only started to him him attractive since they'd started dating, but his appearance has also changed a lot over the last year. All of it together just makes for one big confusing feeling though.

Regardless, the situation is moot point. While they are also very fond of me, I have no plans to tell my married friends as I would in no way expect them to reciprocate. ...We will just stay close friends and I can be at piece with that easily, I do adore them as friends after all.

This sounds reasonable. You find them attractive, as a couple. We don't need to act on every attraction. Enjoy your attraction, enjoy your friendship, be open with them, as friends, about your journey into your own poly-awareness. No pressure, no "trying to convert".

But this has led to many personal questions about myself that I have yet to settle with answers for. How about you, dearest poly community, what do you think? And did you ever experience anything similar?

I always knew I was poly - but my discovery of my bisexuality was somewhat similar. I found myself attracted to my female friends. I enjoyed emotional intimacy with them but it never dawned on me that sexual intimacy could ever be an option. Years later, I had a woman-friend who was interested in giving that a try...so...:D

... brought up that I was debating between whether I'm mono or poly, though not what brought on this thinking. She confided that she'd thought about poly herself and that she wouldn't mind giving it a try herself but she'd spoken to her husband and he wasn't terribly keen with the idea of her sleeping with another man. The door feels a little more open but at the moment I still think I'll hold out.

Ok, so the idea of poly is a topic of conversation between friends. She's thought about it - but her husband wasn't on board with her being with another guy. That is one tiny sliver of info. There are so many vital questions that would have to be answered before I would say that the door is even a little bit open...

Is she bi?
Would she be on board with hubs being with another woman?
Would hubs be on board with her being with another woman?
Would you be interested in her if there was no possibility of being with him as well?
Would it be worth it to any of you to enter any sort of more-than-friendship relationship if it had the potential to threaten the underlying friendship between all of you?


Forget about doors - there is is merely a crack in the blinds!:)

My free advice (worth exactly what it costs!:rolleyes:) is to just be your honest self and share what you would with close friends about your (poly) journey. Let your friendship evolve into whatever it does without trying to steer it to a desired outcome.
 

Velope

New member
Thank you for your reply Jane! :)

Ok, so the idea of poly is a topic of conversation between friends. She's thought about it - but her husband wasn't on board with her being with another guy. That is one tiny sliver of info. There are so many vital questions that would have to be answered before I would say that the door is even a little bit open...

Is she bi?
Would she be on board with hubs being with another woman?
Would hubs be on board with her being with another woman?
Would you be interested in her if there was no possibility of being with him as well?
Would it be worth it to any of you to enter any sort of more-than-friendship relationship if it had the potential to threaten the underlying friendship between all of you?


Forget about doors - there is is merely a crack in the blinds!:)

My free advice (worth exactly what it costs!:rolleyes:) is to just be your honest self and share what you would with close friends about your (poly) journey. Let your friendship evolve into whatever it does without trying to steer it to a desired outcome.

A crack in the blinds is definitely a better description! :p

Oh I forgot to mention! When I spoke to her, I also confided with her about the idea of being with a woman being something I'm newly considering for myself. Because previously I've always known I preferred men and previously was sure I was mono. So logically thinking, I'd always ruled out women because I knew ultimately I wanted to be with a man. It's only recently that I've considered that definitely wanting to be with a man doesn't mean I then couldn't be with a woman. I've experienced very close friendships with female friends, and in fact one of those grew so close that we were too close for a friendship but neither of us knew what to do with the feelings so it kind of, awkwardly came crashing down. In response to this, she expressed she'd had similar experiences in the past.

I didn't directly ask, because I didn't want to pry too much, especially because I reasoned that I don't really need to know. At least not now, because I do not intend on chasing this attraction as things stand. As you said, We don't need to act on every attraction. c:

But to answer the question to the best of my knowledge. I get the feeling she feels similarly to me. Sexuality is a spectrum but she knows she's prefers men and mono is the status quo. So she's always sought out men but has had the inkling feeling about women now and then. I think we're both a little freaked out about the sexual side of being with a woman, (I know I'm attracted to her but it's still intimidating!) but feel like we could theoretically be very easily romantic with another woman. Speaking for myself alone, I think it might be in part nerves, I certainly was intimidated, back in the day, about being intimate/having sex with a man for the first time, it's a little like being a naive, unknowing virgin all over again.

As far as whether either of them would be comfortable with the other being with someone outside their marriage, I can only speculate. I know the wife, who we'll call J, is very comfortable with me hugging and cuddling with her husband who we'll call M, when we've all been on the couch together. And he is completely comfortable with my cuddling and being affectionate with J whether he's involved or not. J has recently, since we've all become closer, made lots of playful jokes like M being lucky to be around two lovely woman to come home to who will cuddle him. (when I've been hanging out with J before M's gotten home from work) But all this could very easily exist within our close friendship with no intentions outside of that. J's easy playfulness is most likely born from her security in knowing how much I care about them and support their relationship. I'm like their biggest fan haha, always awwing over their little displays of affection. :eek:

It is because of this respect and adoration I have for them as a couple, that thus far M and I have kept a sort of distance. It's clear from when we're all together and that we're both perfectly comfortable with each other. But you know, status quo speaking it's just not the done thing for a female friend be too touchy feely with her married male friend. The steeped in social norm of frowning on it keeps us that little further apart than we necessarily "need" to be, as J's open approval of our cuddling is clear. This is something that as friends I think will be overcome with time, as even as friends we're still bonding and all growing closer.

Again, because of social norms, I find myself refraining from focusing on my attraction to M too much. I definitely feel attracted to him, it's a familiar feeling that's easy to identify. In response to J's playful remarks about having two women, M is always enthusiastic and plays along, but again this could be and probably is entirely within our close friendship's bounds. Back when we very first all met, long before J and M decided to make more of their friendship, I did get the feeling that M was sussing me out in case I was interested in him. (I wasn't at the time) So I feel at least that he may find me attractive, though it's clear his wife is the love of his life and he entered into marriage not expecting to be with anyone else. I have no idea wether M has ever entertained the idea of poly and it's quite possible he's firmly mono but it would be one of those ask to know type things and I don't plan to ask as things are.

My thoughts have mainly centred around J, in a way it feels safe because I'm still figuring out how I feel, rather than feeling definite in it like with M. But despite feeling unsure, my feelings seem to be actually stronger for J, perhaps because I've invested more thought in the attraction. I know M was feeling uncomfortable with her being with another man, a direct physical challenge to him per say, but I don't know how that extends. I'm unsure whether he would be uncomfortable her being with a woman because I don't think he (nor even J) have ever considered it since they've been together.

I do feel independent attraction for each of them, but it becomes striking when I consider them together, they complement each other so well. In some ways it feels more natural too, because I've almost always spent time with them together over the years. On top of that, when the three of us are together, it is never the couple plus me. They always embrace and involve me, are caring, almost doting and even protective of me. Our dynamic, even as just friends, is a special one.

In tune with you very worthwhile advice, I definitely will just be letting our friendship go however it might go, at the moment we are only getting closer but that could reach a peak and stop and that would be completely okay. They have expressed they always want me in their lives and I definitely want to be, in whatever form it takes. :)

Though I'm not fond of the excessively rigid set up that involves primaries, secondaries, veto power etc, it would be my whole hearted intent, should it come to it, to be their "secondary" where as their relationship comes first. After all they are married about about to start a family, my intent would never be to disrupt that, they mean too much to me. :eek:
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
From my perspective, you are solidly on the right track! You are taking a good introspective look on your own feelings/responses and learning more about yourself while enjoying an awesome friendship, without expectation of a desired outcome. Kudos!

... I'm like their biggest fan haha, always awwing over their little displays of affection. :eek:

It is because of this respect and adoration I have for them as a couple...

I do feel independent attraction for each of them, but it becomes striking when I consider them together, they complement each other so well.

You might enjoy this older thread: On getting a kick out of couples
 

Velope

New member
Thanks Jane! And thanks for linking that thread, was great to read that other people could relate to these feelings! :eek:
 
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