Mixed feelings! Help!!

[sdside]

I am new to this, although I have had a good friend who was involved in a poly relationship. I have always been open-minded and have played with the idea, but never actually tried it.

I do know that my emotions can go both ways. I currently have love for more than one person. However, I am in a mono relationship. Recently, I have connected with a past friend/lover. He is supposed to be getting married in two months, and technically, you might say I am engaged, as well. YET we have found ourselves in a situation where there is an undeniable love between us.

We are exploring the idea of a poly relationship. At this point, it's not happening, since neither of our partners are aware of this situation. It's all been very confusing over the last few weeks. But I know I have love for them both, and I know he feels the same on his side.

I've spoken with several people, mostly those who believe in monogamy. They obviously can't see the possibilities and see it as a superficial type of thing. I don't necessarily agree.

What I do worry about is the jealousy. I've read how it is supposed to work. The mutual respect, along with the openness and ensuring everyone is getting what they need sounds beautiful, but is it really possible? I'm worried that if I even bring up the idea of a poly relationship to my fiance that it may damage us. I dont know if I'm ready for that. But I know I don't want to lose this other person in my life.

Ahhhh!! What to do? What to do? Any ideas, suggestions, advice support would be greatly appreciated.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I recommend you both bring it up with your respective partners, asap. If your boyfriend leaves, then you were not meant to be, and the same regarding Other Guy's fiancée. To carry on expressing your interest without talking to your long-term partners is disrespecting them, in my opinion. Definitely, the both of you need to express your possible polyamorous natures before either of you get married. I can't stress that enough. It would be like trapping the people you love before telling them what you need to be happy.

I won’t even pretend this will be easy. I wish you the best.

 

[Mark1npt]

Mono stated it very well. If you and your old flame want to be poly, then you've got to find other poly people to date. If your current monogamous fiances can't stomach the idea, it would be better to find out before getting married.

 

[Quath]

Jealousy is the most common worry. The goal is not to suppress jealousy, but to understand it better in a poly relationship. Treat it more as an indication of what is going on, then treat the issue, not the symptom.

For example, in a standard monogamous relationship, a guy looks at a girly magazine; his wife catches him. She feels jealous and demands he stops looking at them, because she should be enough woman for him. But that is just treating the symptom. What she feels is fear that her husband is not seeing her as sexy. If they address that issue, then him looking at porn is not such a big deal anymore.

Likewise, in a poly relationship, jealousy is a lot about insecurity or envy. Probably the biggest issue is worrying about losing a partner to another or feeling less desirable. So for example, your fiance may worry that you like your old boyfriend better, or will eventually just want to be with him. So you have to be clear that you still really want to be with him. Let him know that your feelings of love for this other guy does not diminish your love for him.

The biggest key to a polyamory relationship is communication. Everyone needs to get their feelings and desires heard and addressed. Find comfortable boundaries, but be willing to change rules over time as people adjust. There may need to be a slow period until people get more comfortable. Also, think about how you would feel seeing your boyfriend with another woman. Imagine situations as they arise and try to understand your feelings.

You should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible. If you wait, you will destroy a lot of trust and may create resentment. It will not be easy, because our society teaches that monogamy is what we should strive for, as opposed to an option that some people might want.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Probably the biggest issue is worrying about losing a partner to another, or feeling less desirable.

I admit this was at first my main concern when I entered a polyamorous relationship as a monogamous person. I absolutely have no fear of losing my partner now, as I feel totally loved.

Tangent-- my biggest area of concern is my approach towards sex and the value I associate towards it. This is a very big issue for me and causes me a great deal of stress when I'm in group poly meetings, where everyone's approach to sex within relationships is different, and definitely not in line with my own. This is not about right or wrong, but about what I would be able to function in. 9 out of 10 times the answer I come up with is "not in my lifetime" LOL

This is an interesting and pivotal challenge for me, as well as for Redpepper, as we move towards the future and see how our relationship takes shape. Not only will this define my relationship with her, but it also influences my ability to feel comfortable and healthy in my social interactions with people in the poly community. Communication is the key, as you said, Quath. Redpepper, her husband and I definitely communicate.

I really wandered there, didn't I?