Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's too bad that you don't want Spitfire to have "sex all over your things" with Kirk. It sounds like all you do with Jason is chat and play games, while either the kid(s) or Spit are there, or both are. He can't host, and neither of you can afford hotels.

Spit gives you sex once a week (begrudgingly maybe?). You'd like to have sex more-- with someone!

If you could get over the ick factor of Spit having sex with Kirk in your shared home, like if they limited it to one certain place, and changed the sheets right away afterwards, would that free you up to actually have sex with Jason somewhere in your home, if, say, Spit took the kid(s) out, or after they went to bed?

I get that you really enjoy your shared games, but adults like to have sex too. After all, sex isn't gross. It's natural and actually beautiful. This might just be part of your possessive brainwashing.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It's too bad that you don't want Spitfire to have "sex all over your things" with Kirk. It sounds like all you do with Jason is chat and play games, while either the kid(s) or Spit are there, or both are. He can't host, and neither of you can afford hotels.

Spit gives you sex once a week (begrudgingly maybe?). You'd like to have sex more-- with someone!

If you could get over the ick factor of Spit having sex with Kirk in your shared home, like if they limited it to one certain place, and changed the sheets right away afterwards, would that free you up to actually have sex with Jason somewhere in your home, if, say, Spit took the kid(s) out, or after they went to bed?

I get that you really enjoy your shared games, but adults like to have sex too. After all, sex isn't gross. It's natural and actually beautiful. This might just be part of your possessive brainwashing.
Interesting you see the solution to a cooling off in the martial bedroom as cancelling of the in house sanctuary / (no sex rule ) ?? Wouldn’t or couldn’t making this change have much much larger unintended consequences for BA and very little for spitfire ??? SO GET OVER IT so you can distract yourself enough to NOT notice or NOT care that displacement in the bedroom is occurring. I’m not sure that’s a great plan.

HOWEVER maybe this is a situation where things don’t have to be fair and equal. Perhaps because of the circumstances surrounding the individual partners a deal could be cut that would allow him to entertain and her and Kirk remain off premises for a reasonable amount of time. Say 3-4 month as a trial period and then efficacy of this rule could be reviewed on the grounds of fairness.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's interesting you see the solution to a cooling off in the marital bedroom to be a cancellation of the in-house sanctuary/no sex rule. Couldn’t making this change have much much larger unintended consequences for BA and very few for Spitfire?

I don't know. What consequences do you imagine?
GET OVER IT so you can distract yourself enough to NOT notice or NOT care that displacement in the bedroom is occurring. I’m not sure that’s a great plan.
I had to reread the thread. It sounds like there are only 2 bedrooms in Arrow's house, one for the parents and one for the 2 daughters. Maybe there is no family room, either. Just a living room, kitchen and 2 bedrooms, plus a garage? If this 2 parents/2 kids household has a roomy mini van or SUV, sex could be had in the vehicle in the garage. Hey, I've done that plenty when I was newly poly and my kids were still living with me. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. I used to meet one of my first bfs in my van in the parking lot of a seldom-used wooded park. The lot was big, my van had smoked windows, and we were below the sight line of anyone who was briefly getting out of their car to go hiking.

Honestly, I am just trying to help. Maybe it's because I have a high sex drive, and I'm not a passionate gamer. But I'd be moving mountains to figure out how to have sex weekly with my lover. I'd do it out outdoors, in a van, in a tent, indoors in the bathroom/shower. I'd send Spitfire and the kids out for an hour or two and have sex in the living room. Throw a sheet on the floor or the couch.

Luckily my current partner and I have got the compersion thing down, so if either of us wants to host a partner here, we just think it's cute, and feel good that our partner is having fun and being appreciated.

Arrow says that part of his territoriality stems from a college experience of living with too many roommates in too small of a flat. I assume college is now some time well in his past. Sometimes we cling to outmoded feelings too long, which do not reflect current realities. We can revisit those feelings, feel them, and move on. That's life-- growth and change. Going outside the box is always scary, but always beneficial! It's not easy, and I'm 65 and I still struggle with going outside the box, but I gently chide myself out of the fear and do it anyway, and become a fuller more experienced, more skillful person every time.
HOWEVER, maybe this is a situation where things don’t have to be fair and equal. Perhaps because of the circumstances surrounding the individual partners, a deal could be cut that would allow him to entertain Jason, and Spitfire and Kirk could remain off premises for a reasonable amount of time.
I agree. Spitfire and Kirk could take the girls out to some kid-friendly place, and allow Arrow and Jason some private time. I assume Kirk does host Spitfire at his place for sex dates, so I'd be negotiating what to do since Jason can't host, and hotels are way too expensive.

I'd also look into getting a bigger house! When Pixie and I were house shopping, we got a very small ranch home, with 3 smallish bedrooms. The "master" has a tiny en suite bathroom (no shower) but the sink is great for private post-sex cleanup without needing to go down the hall. And our house has a fully renovated basement/family room, so Pixi can bring her beverage/weed down there when I have someone over, and entertain herself with TV or her PC and games happily for an hour or 2. A bf and I can then have the entire upstairs to ourselves, and even fuck in the kitchen, living room, hall bath shower if we want. It's just practical for poly, to have these options, I think.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I don't know. What consequences do you imagine?

If memory serves BA was poly bombed many of his early struggles were the typical adjustments from going form being the one an only to being 1 of 2 or maybe 3. I think many people coming out of a mono marriage either consciously or subconsciously thinking up ways to help them preserve some “ special “ and home / castle or bedroom/ bed is often is whats chosen For obvious reasons. I the obvious unintended consequence a further cooling of their martial sex life because a) his needs being met elsewhere and b) whatever mental images or reactions to trace evidence no matter how diligent or well intentioned the other 2 are shared space is shared space.

I have had many people on this forum tell me they had the belief and opinion that their marriage or relationship was super solid and could weather any storm ONLY to learn that the sight of something ( like a very passion exchange or PDA’s ) or the sound of sounding ( spouse going at it in the next room ) or the reading of something they was left open on a phone or computer profoundly changed how they felt about their spouse or SO and thus relationship.

The other unintended consequence that jumped to mind is relaxing said rule could allow for Spitfire and kirk for more access and more opportunity for sex and or intimate contact and thus make for more jealousy and more envy for BA.

I doubt I need to remind you ( Mags ) on the sometimes delicate mental aspects of the male arousal process ie ..the erection. Let’s say you sprinkle in some ED issues and the cool bedroom goes cold or dead ?? Risk reward ?? HOWEVER if the goal is JUST more sex or having sex once with someone then yes ditch the sanctuary rule.




I had to reread the thread. It sounds like there are only 2 bedrooms in Arrow's house, one for the parents and one for the 2 daughters. Maybe there is no family room, either. Just a living room, kitchen and 2 bedrooms, plus a garage? If this 2 parents/2 kids household has a roomy mini van or SUV, sex could be had in the vehicle in the garage. Hey, I've done that plenty when I was newly poly and my kids were still living with me. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. I used to meet one of my first bfs in my van in the parking lot of a seldom-used wooded park. The lot was big, my van had smoked windows, and we were below the sight line of anyone who was briefly getting out of their car to go hiking.

Honestly, I am just trying to help. Maybe it's because I have a high sex drive, and I'm not a passionate gamer. But I'd be moving mountains to figure out how to have sex weekly with my lover. I'd do it out outdoors, in a van, in a tent, indoors in the bathroom/shower. I'd send Spitfire and the kids out for an hour or two and have sex in the living room. Throw a sheet on the floor or the couch.

Luckily my current partner and I have got the compersion thing down, so if either of us wants to host a partner here, we just think it's cute, and feel good that our partner is having fun and being appreciated.

Arrow says that part of his territoriality stems from a college experience of living with too many roommates in too small of a flat. I assume college is now some time well in his past. Sometimes we cling to outmoded feelings too long, which do not reflect current realities. We can revisit those feelings, feel them, and move on. That's life-- growth and change. Going outside the box is always scary, but always beneficial! It's not easy, and I'm 65 and I still struggle with going outside the box, but I gently chide myself out of the fear and do it anyway, and become a fuller more experienced, more skillful person every time.

SO the short answer is yes ....it’s a great plan. The answer to possible demotion and displacement in the bedroom IS adding some previously unwanted INTRUSION. You‘ll grow from it. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger 😝👍
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
So your suggestion is that Arrow just never has sex with Jason then.

Great!

(I can be sarcastic too.)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Honestly, what do you suggest? I know you're still hurt from being cheated upon lo these many years ago, and your ex w leaving her computer open for the whole family to see her sex chat or pix or whatever. With that in mind... your answer about erections and demotion is just a tad biased.

I do know that some poly people do not wish to host SO's in their houses. But this family is all gung ho about kitchen table poly. They know each other exists, they are even on quite friendly terms. Spitfire can have sex with Kirk any old time at his place, it seems. But other than that, Arrow and Jason are shit out of luck unless they scrimp and save for a hotel room like what? Once a month? Jason is apparently just out of college. Arrow has a tiny house and 2 kids. So I am offering ideas like cars and garages and the woods as alternatives, as well as looking at "getting over" the male ego idea of "my home is my castle.'

Shoot me.

Jason and Arrow can just go on playing D&D like a couple of 12 year olds until Jason can afford a place of his own, I guess.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
So your suggestion is that Arrow just never has sex with Jason then.

Great!

(I can be sarcastic too.)
As I read his post the primary issue was his disconnect and a cooling off in his/ their bedroom. with that spilling over into envy he was having because his wife and her lover can act on impulse or schedule hooks ups as they like. And then directly following or naturally following that there’s the disparity he has with Jason And the logistical issues. Separate issues yet centered on sex which might be the confusing part for you.

I ACTUALLY DID MAKE A SUGGESTION and you actually agreed with my suggestion did you forget ??? You even quoted it in you post.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Honestly, what do you suggest? I know you're still hurt from being cheated upon lo these many years ago, and your ex w leaving her computer open for the whole family to see her sex chat or pix or whatever. With that in mind... your answer about erections and demotion is just a tad biased.
so YOU ask me about possible unintended consequences and I reply and come up with some fair standard stuff and then you want to belittle it or dismiss it because of HOW YOU remember some story or event that happened in my life. WOW that’s a interesting way to have discussions ON A FORUM.


I do know that some poly people do not wish to host SO's in their houses
well those people are obviously stupid. Clearly they need more Mags enlightenment training. By the way thank you!

. But this family is all gung ho about kitchen table poly. They know each other exists, they are even on quite friendly terms. Spitfire can have sex with Kirk any old time at his place, it seems. But other than that, Arrow and Jason are shit out of luck unless they scrimp and save for a hotel room like what? Once a month? Jason is apparently just out of college. Arrow has a tiny house and 2 kids. So I am offering ideas like cars and garages and the woods as alternatives, as well as looking at "getting over" the male ego idea of "my home is my castle.'
awesome ideas I just saw the problem different than you did. I saw the BIG issue as the disconnect with his wife ....not him getting enough sex with Jason.
Shoot me.
it’s tempting sometimes 😝

but I take from that comment you feel because I disagree with you that I’m attacking you ?? Maybe you’re not as enlightened as you think?


Jason and Arrow can just go on playing D&D like a couple of 12 year olds until Jason can afford a place of his own, I guess.
This seems a little more than a little condescending or belittling to a forum member and his lover that you claim to want to help.

I know my comments and suggestions I didnt deliberately try to insult anyone including you.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Holy shit, you two! Simmer down. I do appreciate both of your inputs and maybe I'm misinterpreting some playful banter but it seems like you're going at each other a little hard.

Look.
Magdlyn: The housing market out here is a nightmare. Also I move every three years or so for work so just getting a bigger house is kind of out of the question. Jason and I have done some wacky things to get some time together sexually. Right now everything is hard. He's just settling in to his new job after moving back home from college and is weeks away from getting his own place. I can't fault him for that. Also, 12 year olds? That just seems a bit impolite.
I am not solely driven by sex but it is definitely a huge motivator for me. The struggles I'm having getting it from Jason make sense to me logistically whereas the problem I have getting it from Spitfire do not. As for opening up my home to it. No. I don't want that. I spent enough time in college living in situations where you would suddenly discover you were sitting in someone else's jizz or that the one clean place you had to sleep after a hard overnight shift is now covered in sweat and various other fluids. I'm tainted for life.
Also, I'd like to stop feeling like a third wheel in my own home.
Dinged: I don't have ED. The problem we're facing is timing, her desire, my discomfort doing it while the kids are up and constantly needing us, and the fact that her anxiety leaves her exhausted (like 2-4 hour naps every day).

When we started this thing I was assured that in my home I'd have a place where I was still important, where I was the husband. When here and Kirk were finally allowed to touch (COVID fear if you remember) the only place they had was here. I'm still adjusting. Not everything is perfect but while still rough in the feels I watch my wife sit on another man's lap and snuggle him on our couch while I just sat around dying for the same kind of attention. I get that. I even supported it as this was the only place they could have that kind of connection. This is the only place right now that Jason and I could have a cost effective sexual relation and I don't want it because that last bit hurt enough that I know I'm not sticking around for Spitfire to be having sex in the house. If it's not okay for her then it's not okay for me.
The thought breaks me up inside. Why is it so bad to want a place that's just ours? The hanging on him in the house, she wanted to hang out in the bedroom one day when he was here because Jason and I were in the office and the children were everywhere else. I wouldn't agree to it. Not because I thought they were going to fuck but because the thought of them hanging all over each other in the last place in the entire house that's just for us would be gone and I'd want to move out. I need a place for me. I'm willing to accept that the only place for me is a place for us but not that it's a place for us, my paramours and my metas. I'm not ready for that and I'm not sure that I ever will be.
Little background. I worked for two years at my last location pulling 13 hour days, making sacrifice and becoming an expert in my field so that I could finally secure a position on the day staff and have my very own desk. I cleaned it up, covered it in my things, made it efficient. Some junior new kid rolled in and decided he'd sit at my desk on day one because it was just far enough from the watchfloor that he could get away with not doing his job. Coming in to my shit being moved around, Monster being spilled on my keyboard and boot prints on my desk, I snapped at the fucker and proceeded to make his life difficult until he cut it the fuck out. Why should he sit at that desk having done none of the work and in fact using it as a way to avoid work, while I had to sacrifice so much just to get it?
There's a definite parallel here but it should give you an insight as to who I am. I am a territorial person. I need a sanctuary. Some space of my own that I feel like I've earned. Having to feel like I've earned it is important, otherwise I don't want it. I need to feel like there's some reward for all of the work, even if it's just a bedroom to call my own.
Now. I'm feeling especially shitty because this week I've been having to work 11-12 hour days and even after discussing this with Spitfire, there's still no time for us. In a whole week there's no time for intimacy even once! and tomorrow she's leaving as soon as I get home from work to go camping with Kirk. I'd get into that more (it's why I logged in) but I'm going to be late to work if I don't move my ass.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
NO I wasn’t suggesting you had ED or anything of the sort. I was suggesting that removing sanctuary status may trigger a ick factor and downward cycle that could take a cool bedroom cold That’s all. It’s alwasy easy to see a snowball effect after the fact. AND I think lots of people ( and I’ve chatted with some) who tell themselves or are told by others to “ Just get over it “ and jump in and try only to learn of this mind body connection Or head heart penis connection. THIS isn’t something I made up or something I actually struggled with as Mags has suggested but I’m happy to run down a list of names or members of who have experienced this if anyone wants or needs them.

it sounds like the situation with you and Jason is soon to be worked out and hopefully the other situation will right itself as well.

good luck 😝👍
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
You're not wrong that Dinged and Magdlyn have been sparring for years, although there is at least a *slight* tradition on the forums that the Life Stories section doesn't get quite so contentious so if you want to tell them to knock it off you totally can.

That said... I totally get that you have *reasons* for wanting that safe space. I would just at the same time like to ask whether the outcome of those reasons is actually serving your life as it is now. I mean, obviously Kirk is not your jackass former(?) coworker, for instance, nor is your home your place of work.

I'm not saying that you *should* change or that it's intrinsically wrong to be territorial. I'm not, mostly, so I don't entirely understand it (though there are a few things that make me twitch and I just wrote about one of them in my blog ) but I can see how you got there. It just, from what you're writing, seems to be a thing that isn't adding happiness or even really security to your life.

(And for what it's worth I've been there with the "my relationship with my spouse isn't physically in the place I'd want it to be while his other partner is getting everything I want, meanwhile my other relationship isn't anything like that either" and yes, it 100% was terrible. )
 

BrokenArrow

Member
You're not wrong that Dinged and Magdlyn have been sparring for years, although there is at least a *slight* tradition on the forums that the Life Stories section doesn't get quite so contentious so if you want to tell them to knock it off you totally can.

That said... I totally get that you have *reasons* for wanting that safe space. I would just at the same time like to ask whether the outcome of those reasons is actually serving your life as it is now. I mean, obviously Kirk is not your jackass former(?) coworker, for instance, nor is your home your place of work.

I'm not saying that you *should* change or that it's intrinsically wrong to be territorial. I'm not, mostly, so I don't entirely understand it (though there are a few things that make me twitch and I just wrote about one of them in my blog ) but I can see how you got there. It just, from what you're writing, seems to be a thing that isn't adding happiness or even really security to your life.

(And for what it's worth I've been there with the "my relationship with my spouse isn't physically in the place I'd want it to be while his other partner is getting everything I want, meanwhile my other relationship isn't anything like that either" and yes, it 100% was terrible. )
I would agree that it is 100% terrible right now. I'm miserable and I don't know how to get over it. Jason is going to come over this weekend since Spitfire and Kirk are going camping. That should help. He really makes me feel good about myself. He's the nicest and sweetest man I've ever been with. Plus he pushes me to work out harder which I kind of love. He's texting me right now and I don't feel so empty and sad.
So, no. Kirk is not the same as my jackass coworker. I actually like him. And my home is not my place of work. But I've worked hard for it. I work hard for a little bit of peace. I have an office that I've filled full of the things I love. My comics and memorabilia adorn the wall. My D&D stuff have a nice little table. My desk is packed with nerd art, I've got my XBox and TV and the computer's in here. I built a space that makes me feel happy. It did provide me security and reinforced a sense of self. But now it's the room all the adults want to hang out in. The kids rule the living room and the adults chill in the office. Now I share my special space with everyone. No more quiet writing or painting. No more sanctuary. Another man comes and sits in the chair that was my big splurge on myself. He holds my wife's hand and I'm just kind of left out. The third wheel in my own safe place. At least there's the bedroom. No one goes in the bedroom. Sort of.
Today my three year old told me she peed in her pull-up during nap time. The last 2 days Spitfire has been bringing our daughter into our room to take a nap with her. She sleeps in my spot. "Dad! I peed in my pull up in your bed! *chuckle chuckle chuckle" To be clear, my youngest is extremely intelligent but uses it exclusively for evil. Fucking gross. Looks like I'm doing the sheets before bed.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
To be clear, my youngest is extremely intelligent but uses it exclusively for evil.
Lol, thank you for injecting some mirth even while everything around is leaving you at your wits end.

Out of curiosity, if you have to move every three years, how much longer until there's the next round of upheaval?
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Lol, thank you for injecting some mirth even while everything around is leaving you at your wits end.

Out of curiosity, if you have to move every three years, how much longer until there's the next round of upheaval?
In about a year and a half. I'm trying to get placed in the same state. We like the schools here and we don't want to leave our partners. The downside is I'll be going back to sea. Gone for months at a time. I need to find a way to deal with the jealousy before that happens.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Spent 5 hours last night typing up all my venomous feelings but ultimately chickened out on sending it. Real unhappy shit. The one-sided history of Broken Arrow and Spitfire. Spitfire and I have started couples therapy. She's pretty happy with where our relationship is at but I'm spending a lot of time asking myself why I stay. The brain is weird. I've been real angsty lately and it's really fucking me up. Signed up for individual therapy a little bit ago. Like 20 minutes. Spitfire didn't like the last one. She suggested I work on improving my relationship with my wife since things seem to be going great with Jason. Spitfire took it as the therapist was blaming all my troubles on her. So... getting a new therapist. Just need someone to vent to. So sick of keeping shit to myself. Don't want to dump on Jason. That's not what I want our relationship to be. Spitfire is burnt out from listening to me.
So my goal remains to have a successful and healthy relationship with Spitfire, continue to love and grow with Jason, stay friends with Kirk and maybe make friends with Picard. Maybe when I feel like I have my shit together I might consider looking for another paramour. Maybe even a female. It seems like I would be doing a disservice to whoever I added into my circle with all this negative ass gunk in my head right now.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Spitfire doesn't have to like your therapist! Your therapist is for you, not Spitfire. Any good therapist is going to encourage us to grow and change, define our boundaries (and maintain them.... or adjust them, as needed.) Some of those changes, our partners may not like.

In my experience, if the relationship is a healthy, compatible relationship, our partners will adjust to our changes and our relationships will be better and stronger for it. It may take time, but it will happen. That's my experience anyway.... so my vote would be to find and keep the therapist that works for YOU, regardless of what spitfire thinks! Also, Spitfire doesn't have to know all the things you talk about with your therapist.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
So it looks like Spitfire and I will be ending couples therapy. The therapist says that we are a really good and strong couple and there's not much that she can do for us, but we both should get individual therapy. I'm already a bit ahead of the game there but I'm slightly disillusioned with my therapist. I signed up for Better Help but it's very much not as advertised.
They market like you can reach out via their message app whenever you're having a rough time and get some kind of response but I most of what I type out kind of sits there for a few days and then I get some rather discouraging message from the therapist. Typed out some feelings about being lonely when Spitfire is gone and some jealousy issues and got something back along the lines of "I wonder if an open marriage is really working for you and if it's best for your mental health." Well then.
Obviously I'm struggling with poly but the whole point is to get past the jealousy and the codependency. I know it's a little soon to judge but I feel like I'm dropping $360 a month for 4 30 minute rant sessions with access to an online journal. Best advice I've gotten is to try and think positive. Seems like a bad deal but I don't want to just bail before giving it a chance. I know I need to work through a lot of shit but honestly, I feel like I get more out of just posting here.
If anyone knows of a good poly friendly therapist in the Seattle area that holds sessions online, I'm down for a recommendation.
Aside from all that angst, things have been pretty good lately. We each had a one on one session with the couples therapist and I came away feeling pretty great about things. I've felt a lot of guilt about fantasizing about leaving. It made me feel dirty and ashamed to even think that way. Apparently that's pretty normal. Why wouldn't I imagine a life where I could do what I want, live my own life, go back to school and not have to worry about strangers fucking in my bed. The important thing is I'd rather have Spitfire in my life. Still no on the stranger fluids though.
Spitfire and I went camping this weekend with the girls for Mother's Day. It was great. We brought the doggos and let them run amok. The kids had room to roam and the whole place was huge and fenced in and all ours. That first night after we laid the kids down we just sat around the fire and drank listening to punk rock! That's my favorite thing to do that I haven't gotten to do in years. And we just talked. Not about poly. Not about my hangups or pain. Not about our marriage. We just talked. Deep drunken philosophy. Feelings about things outside our sphere of influence. Old friends. Bands we love. I had been craving that moment for so long. We weren't hanging out as mom and dad, or as husband and wife. We were just Broken Arrow and Spitfire. Best friends hanging out and having a good time together. Not exhausted from work or playing with the kids. We just got to be us again for one brief little minute. I fucking loved it.
She's gone tonight. Tuesday night's with Kirk. Luckily she was able to shift one of her clients on Friday so I can spend Friday night with Jason before she leaves to spend Saturday night with Picard. I still fucking hate that guy. I'm pretty sure it's not his fault. I can say that as I come to understand their relationship more I hate him less. I'm pretty sure it's because he was the OG. I definitely harbor some resentment against him for being the first to attract Spitfire. I get that the kind of relationship she wants with him is one I'm not down to provide, and rather than be jealous about it being something she can't get from me I find myself more relieved. Finally. Still fucking hate him though. That's a thing I need to work through.
I get so bored on Tuesdays. With Spitfire gone, it's just me and the kids (who do not excel at adult conversation and are incredibly needy) and once they go to bed it's just me. I talk to Jason but he goes to bed a little after the kids, if not before. I'll chat with Spitfire or Kirk a bit on facebook but I don't want to interrupt their good time. All my work buddies have to work in the morning, whereas I have Wednesdays off so Spitfire can work a day shift and I can guide my oldest through online school. That kind of generosity from my employers is unheard of so I will treasure it always. But I find myself with no one to talk to on Tuesday nights.
I understand that it's obvious that I need to expand my social circle and become more comfortable with being alone. I promise, I'm working on it. Since I can't really go out and meet new people I've taken to looking for new friends on OKCupid. Desperate? Maybe a little but I hear it works for some people. I actually started talking to this one guy but it's a little too soon to tell if he's okay with just friends or not. I feel that in my current emotional state it would be irresponsible of me to get romantically involved with a third partner. I miss having my own friends outside of work. I miss having something to do that was a me thing.
On that topic, my vacation time got approved. I'll be spending a week hanging out with my brother doing nerd shit, like we do. I've got the plane tickets, the vacation time and I'm ready to go. I'm feeling pretty good about it! I need a little time away from everything.
Anyway, hope everyone is having a great day! Ciao!
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
They market like you can reach out via their message app whenever you're having a rough time and get some kind of response but I most of what I type out kind of sits there for a few days and then I get some rather discouraging message from the therapist. Typed out some feelings about being lonely when Spitfire is gone and some jealousy issues and got something back along the lines of "I wonder if an open marriage is really working for you and if it's best for your mental health." Well then.
If you don't like your therapist's response time or responses, you can totally ask for a new one. I used BetterHelp for a while back in 2015, and the first therapist I got was ... judgmental at best, and I sent customer service an email asking for someone less condescending and got reassigned to someone good. So. Just a thing to consider.
Spitfire and I went camping this weekend with the girls for Mother's Day. It was great. We brought the doggos and let them run amok. The kids had room to roam and the whole place was huge and fenced in and all ours. That first night after we laid the kids down we just sat around the fire and drank listening to punk rock! That's my favorite thing to do that I haven't gotten to do in years. And we just talked. Not about poly. Not about my hangups or pain. Not about our marriage. We just talked. Deep drunken philosophy. Feelings about things outside our sphere of influence. Old friends. Bands we love. I had been craving that moment for so long. We weren't hanging out as mom and dad, or as husband and wife. We were just Broken Arrow and Spitfire. Best friends hanging out and having a good time together. Not exhausted from work or playing with the kids. We just got to be us again for one brief little minute. I fucking loved it.
Missing that sort of thing is the hardest part about having a kid. (Not sure how old yours are, but I feel like at the age mine is I'm getting to do that sort of thing more. Just telling you this in a "it gets better" sort of way, which I don't know if you want to hear or not - it would have pissed me off at certain phases of my life - but in case it helps...)
 

BrokenArrow

Member
If you don't like your therapist's response time or responses, you can totally ask for a new one. I used BetterHelp for a while back in 2015, and the first therapist I got was ... judgmental at best, and I sent customer service an email asking for someone less condescending and got reassigned to someone good. So. Just a thing to consider.

Missing that sort of thing is the hardest part about having a kid. (Not sure how old yours are, but I feel like at the age mine is I'm getting to do that sort of thing more. Just telling you this in a "it gets better" sort of way, which I don't know if you want to hear or not - it would have pissed me off at certain phases of my life - but in case it helps...)
Actually, thanks. It is nice to hear that it gets better. Spitfire and I often joke that we're doing this in hard mode for now. Our youngest is 4 and the oldest is 10. I keep waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel but... toddlers are monsters. I love her but she is the living embodiment of the words "energetic" and "defiant". Working during the day and taking over in the afternoon so Spitfire can work, we're both pretty burned out. Looking forward to a vaccine for kids so we can hire a babysitter for some time together without worrying we're playing Russian roulette with them. Babysitting nights are kind of few and far between around here.
Looking forward to the times when the kids are older and we can relax a bit. Got a long way to go.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
So I spent the night at Jason's house on Friday! We went out roller skating and snuggled and watched a movie. We discovered why mixed packs of condoms are a terrible idea! Always double check that your condom is not "fire and ice" before anal because that mother fucker was terrible!!!!! We had a real great time together.
Came back and tagged out Spitfire so she could go spend her first night with Picard. Spent the night trying to block out the thought of them having sex. I fucking hate it. Why can't I be cool with it? Why do I fucking care? Like, it's so bad right now that I'm dreading having to touch her when she gets home. Why is my brain like that?!!!!! I don't feel like that when she gets home from Kirk's house.
I've been cleaning the house all morning. Just watched TV until around 4am to tune out my brain. Then my toddler was kind enough to wake me up on the couch at 0830. lol She was so annoyed with me! Since then it's been shower, caffine, and clean! Jason and Kirk are coming over in a bit for D&D!
Well I've got work to do but I needed to get that little bit off my chest. Feels good! Just need to make through the day now!
 
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