I feel sad for you. You don't feel safe at home, or in your relationship with Spitfire.
So there I was, feeling like I was basically Spitfire's friend/roomate who sleeps in the same room and pays for everything.
Sounds like you are.
Spitfire doesn't feel emotionally secure and safe with me. She needs that strong emotional security in a partner to have that sexual drive.
Spitfire also does not provide YOU with emotional safety. Screaming in your face she wanted a divorce in front of the kids 2 days before Christmas and you wholeheartedly agreeing. Then stormed out and went to Bashir's house. Then came back that she loves you and wants marriage counseling.
Up and down and all around everywhere here.
Towards the end the dude asks me what I want out of life. Spitfire very accurately says "he can't answer that question. He doesn't know."
Spitfire jumps in to answer for you
rather than giving you your fair space in therapy? You don't get to be safe there either?
When worded as "what are you working towards" an answer comes to mind. I work my ass off so that one day I can live somewhere nice where I can finally relax and feel safe.
So basically you don't feel safe at home or in the relationship with Spitfire? Just have trouble saying it "out loud?"
I'm super shitty about setting and enforcing my boundaries. It takes monumental effort for me to express my desires and needs.
Cuz you aren't safe here and any sign of you being authentic and real will get mowed down?
Finally I said to myself, I'm allowed to be mad and by 2 I'd worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. I shot her a message on Facebook figuring it'd give her a chance to absorb it so I didn't trigger her as soon as she walked through the door. I told her I was annoyed and that I felt taken advantage of. No answer. Not seen. No I'm shaking. I'm nervous and scared because I assumed it popped up and she saw enough to get pissed and annoyed. I start shaking.
Read that again.
You have to convince
yourself it is ok to be mad you got stuck with the kid care. But you are preparing for the blow up. You aren't safe here expressing how you really feel.
I'm worried about your well being now that you also have bad sleep and panic attacks.
Am I crazy? I keep wondering if this relationship is toxic. Is it me or is it just our circumstances? Is it clear what I need? It's not the sex I really need. I need to feel desired. Is it crazy to need that in a relationship? I need someone to tell me what the answer is. I don't know what to do or if I'm in the wrong and I feel like I'm losing my mind!
This relationship is not healthy sounding for you.
It's like you keep on trying to convince yourself Spitfire is an "awesome wife" like being your own con man.
Because your actual LIVED experience with her is being taken for granted, very fearful, not feeling safe, upset all the time, jumping through hoops, mind readering to appease the Volcano Goddess so she doesn't blow at your head, trying to be "perfect" etc.
Your health is starting to break down in major ways. This relationship IS toxic for you.
You are not hitting healthy relationship markers here with Spitfire.
How does the relationship with Jason hit on that healthy relationship wheel and second page chart? You seem to LIKE that Jason doesn't make you feel shit for having feelings. You can be authentic with him. Is that true?
I'm proud of you for trying to take better care of you, keeping your notebook, identifying your triggers. All of that.
I also think you could get a wee bit brave about saying it "out loud" SOMEWHERE in real life. If even at a whisper. In private.
"I'm scared that I'm more into Spitfire than she is into me. I'm scared staying here is harming me and this is a toxic relationship. I'm scared to think about life without her too."
I think you might consider some INDIVIDUAL sessions with counselor.
I think you could practice saying that out loud to them.
Maybe practice thinking about divorce with them. Imagine creating an ACTUAL safe home for you and the kids if you share custody so they aren't growing up watching Mom verbally abuse Dad like the screaming divorce threats at Xmas.
What could that home be like?
I can only imagine how hard this is on you.
I'm so sorry. Keep going though. Keep reaching for healthier you. Baby steps.
You have value and dignity. You deserve to be treated well.