mono married to poly question


New member
I've been dating my secondary for almost a year now, and while things are going well my husband hasn't had much luck finding someone special. he's getting to the point where he doesn't think the time effort and emotional roller coasters are worth it.

I'm trying to convince him that many couples are out there that are mono/poly. but he thinks it should be something both of us do, or neither do.

what's everyone's take? i wonder for the mono/poly couples what percentage is it that the woman is poly


New member
I wanted to say hi :)

Finding someone is never easy to begin with. The fact that two people find each other (not just for a casual hook up) and genuinely get along etc is something that takes time and effort for both parties... now when you involve more people into that equation, it's probably safe to assume it'll be a tad harder BUT not impossible. I say if this is really something you both want, go for it with gusto. Don't lose hope. Persist. It's a good start that you are here (this forum has helped me heaps!).

PS. You and yours may want to check out the new poly site

Good to meet you here :)


New member
This is exactly the situation my wife and I are in. She has a long distance relationship with her poly boyfriend that recently became intimate. I have made some friends, and there is one woman inparticular that I know I could develop feelings for, but for now, I am still monogamous. Looking for something, sometimes makes it that much more difficult to find, so I guess my advice to him is, don't look so hard. It is not a race and not a situation where fairness dictates that if you have a boyfriend, he should have to have a girlfriend. All things in time.

I understand his frustration, I have experienced it too. It is difficult to find a woman who is happy and satisfied in a secondary role, I think men take to that easier (not to over-generalize or stereotype, that has just been my experience). I recently had an epiphany when I realized that a lot of the uncomfortable feelings I had been experiencing were tied to me being jealous of her relationship. Not that she is in love with another man, but that she has him, she has me, and I only have her. My fear was telling me that I am unworthy and that I would never find anyone else that loves me too. An irrational fear once it faces the light of day. I love my wife and our relationship is awesome. If our relationship is the only one I have for the rest of my life, I should consider myself very lucky to have it. I really don't need anything else. If something else develops, fantastic, but if not, oh well. Try to be mindful of this type of jealousy, your husband may experience it and not even know where his insecurity is coming from. Now that I realize where my unease has been coming from, it is much easier to be happy for my wife and the love that she has found. Patience I believe is the key. If your happy, he should be happy for you.

Good luck,


Active member
This is our situation. I've a long term boyfriend who lives with us. DH has tried-but every time has found himself in a drama-filled nightmare. Once cowgirl, one lady who has no boundaries laid out and doesn't respect ours, another who moved away and dropped contact.

Now he's decided its just too exhausting. But-the option of me giving up my boyfriend is NOT available. We have a life built with him and our kids are attached as well.
But-it is a struggle for my DH. I (and bf) try to be extra understanding and include him in pretty much EVERYTHING we do, limiting our alone time to when he's unavailable. Which is also hard for us-but we've got 19 years so far as best friends and that helps us stay strong.


New member
As far as whether or not it's worth going through the effort, that's really up to him to decide. What that shouldn't do is affect you in any way in your own relationships. Poly is the *freedom* to have multiple relationships. There is no guarantee of success. Just cos one has found someone and the other hasn't should destroy the poly nature, in my opinion.


Well-known member
I am the poly one my husband is the mono one.... M boyfriend is also mono.

He admits it is hard for me being away every other weekend and one or two nights on in between weeks. But he understands that this is just how I am wired. He also repsects that my boyfriend needs his time with me.

So far so good is working for all involved. We have our boundries laid out. Which actually are few other than involving our kids. My kids have not met my boyfriend yet and it will be quite sometime before that will happen.