Mono, New to Poly and need a little help

polyfx

New member
First of all I'd like to say hello. I'm new here and to the Poly scene and really need some help with a problem.

I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). She has had for many years feelings that she was polyamorous and did not reveal these feelings to me until a couple months ago. She is BI and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. I felt that at the time that if there was sex with a man needed that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.

She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we seperated. If we didnt seperate, she said she would do it anyway regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.

We have since been seeing each other as if we never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.

She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" was better that I had to offer and hands down wanted me to be the main squeeze. We want to work this out, except I have only one hang up.

I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.

My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt O.K. with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex?. I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.

It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competetive feeling. The age old question comes to mind... What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?

I'd like to get past this very much so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams...

Thanks in advance!

Polyfx.
 
Without going into great detail my friend, I know exactly what you are feeling. You are not alone. I just want you to know that...and I totally agree with your reasons for seperating initialy. Now I will back away like a scared child LOL!:)
 
Based on your SN.. I can guess why.:)

Regardless of lifestyle, I am still a guy and am wired from the factory to be a certain way (on a different level than the lifestyle). After all poly/mono/fluid/whatever is are personal choices. This is more of a deep rooted thing.

I'm ready to change everything else but this is a really hard thing to do.

Can I be happy without the change and just moving ahead full speed... probably not.

I love this person in an uncommon unconditional way and am willing to work on it just the same.
 
Just to be clear, I have no issues with my Life Love having sex with her husband LOL! I have 100 percent compersion for that. I also have very little issue with another intimate friend of hers as he is a part of both there lives and cares for both of them legitimately. I am the "other" guy essentially. I have issues with the idea of her having sex with another "new" guy. But that is a long story and will put me somewhere that is not beneficial or relevant to what I have. There are others on here that can give much better and objective advice LOL:)
Take care
 
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I understand where you are coming from. It took me awhile to settle it for myself. Basically, I found the idea of my wife/gf having sex with another woman hot and different enough that it did not feel like competition to me. But if she was with another guy, I would worry about sorts of crap that society and culture teaches/preaches. Like the guy would try to steal her. Or he would try to lay claim on her. Or he would mock me for not being able to hold on to her. I know some guys who think along those lines.

The way I dealt with it was to realize that my wife/gf would not pick someone who would cause stress in our relationship. She would not choose a jerk who would try that macho crap on her.

I also really had to think about compersion as opposed to the cuckold view. I realized I could be happy if she was happy with another guy as long as he was making her happy.

What I think helps deal with some of this is to meet the other guys in a friendly social setting. It doesn't have to be a great bonding moment, but just enough to recognize each other as a metamore. Maybe it can turn into a friendship. However, they will be real guys to you that may not seem as threatening because you will see the common everyday flaws we all have instead of an idealized guy who sounds more threatening.
 
A couple of points/observations........For what it's worth, I think it's perhaps easier to deal with this issue when you are a little older (40's-50's) and more established in your primary love over many years and with a history behind you, moreso than just starting out in your 20's from scratch in a new relationship.......IMO.

My wife is lately having a very difficult time internally with our "V" and she can't quite put her finger on it...we've tried talking it out but have no concrete reasons/answers.....she believes her hangup to be around having to "compete" with the other woman in our "V" from a sexual or love standpoint. I have tried to reinforce to her numerous times that this is not a competition, merely different types of love, intimacy or sex that compliment what she and I have always had. I thought we had this issue addressed, but it recently reared it's head again. I sincerely would not have an issue if my wife wanted to have a poly relationship and/or sex with another man, if that's what would bring her the level of happiness/fulfillment she craves in her life. I would be happy for her. I suppose if I sensed that the other man was trying to steal her away from me, I might be upset, but I would have to trust that was not the issue. That trust I think can only be derived from time in a lengthy, loving relationship.
 
I'm the wife in a similar scenario (though I'm not bi). We've been married 22 years and I'm craving the variety and "new relationship energy" that comes with sleeping with other men. I'm completely happy in my marriage and with our sex life, but I feel like I'm really missing out on something that I need. I don't think I'm truly polyamorous, but I am seeking sex that's more than a purely physical experience - there needs to be enough of a connection for me to feel safe and intimate, but I'm not seeking another love relationship. I'd say I'm looking for a "friend with benefits", to add a bit of spice and adventure and freedom to my otherwise-perfect life.

My husband is trying really hard not to perceive this as a rejection of him, and I've tried for around five or six years now to make my feelings "go away", but they're not, and I really fear I'm going to resent him if it doesn't happen (though I'd never cheat).

For context, my husband has never had sex outside a relationship, which I think is a significant contributor to our disconnect; he can't even conceptualise why you'd want to have sex with somebody if you didn't have pre-existing romantic feelings towards them.

We are seeing a poly-friendly counsellor but this is definitely the toughest challenge we've ever faced, and every other aspect of our marriage is awesome. Any advice you folks can offer is most welcome. :)
 
Hi aussiekate,

Sad to say I don't see what you can do to improve your situation. I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question. Meanwhile, he doesn't want you to date other men, and I don't know what words you could say to him to make him change his mind.

You've tried for around five or six years now to make your feelings "go away;" maybe the next five or six years could be spent trying to convince him to accept your feelings. If five or six years sound like too many, just imagine what more might be like!

You could try a search on this site for OPP, I know we have more threads on that topic.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Aussiekate......I haven't been active on this site since.....well.......since my divorce nearly 5 years ago. I can very much appreciate where you're coming from. I can also appreciate where your husband is coming from and what he is feeling. Some people are just so locked in to the monogamy angle and the "relationship". My ex-wife was one such person after 29 years of faithful marriage on both sides. Yet, when we first met, she was not that way. Very promiscuous, single men, married men, did not matter. I guess she had her fill at a young age whereas I did not. Always studying, never partying, always planning for the future. Our paths obviously diverged. As someone said to me last year...."your relationship just ran it's course".

It's a shame we don't age the same, or experience the same, or need the same. In many ways I am happier now than I have ever been and in others I wish the divorce never happened. Ultimately, you need to decide if your fantasy is worth losing your marriage or your kids. For some it is and for others it isn't. It's your personal choice. There are no winners here and for any one who's spent 20+ years as a part of someone else's life, I don't think you can ever get over that. Not unless you can collectively forget all the good that came from that.

Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough. Why? In my case I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married.....is that your need to???
 
I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question.
Thanks, Kevin T. Certainly we're not there yet. We were moving towards opening the relationship and I was OK with the slow pace. I went on my first date (no sex) a couple of weeks ago, at which point my husband freaked out, and then I started to panic that it was never going to happen. I can wait some undefined "but less than years" period longer while he works on his anxieties, but if he said it was absolutely never ever going to happen, then divorce would not be out of the question.
Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough. Why? In my case I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married.....is that your need to???
It feels like I'm missing out on fun experiences, and I'm going to really resent my husband continuing to impose a particular conception of marriage on me that prevents me from having that fun. And yes, I know it's what I signed up for, but I signed up for it when I was 23, and we've renegotiated nearly everything. I feel we signed up to growing together and facilitating each other's growth and happiness with openness and integrity, rather than to a particular rigid set of rules or societal expectations.
 
Well, then, I take it your husband is at least working on his hang-ups. That's a good sign. Hopefully he can do it in a year or less.
 
Well, then, I take it your husband is at least working on his hang-ups. That's a good sign. Hopefully he can do it in a year or less.
He definitely is. He loves me a lot, and I love him - I don't have any doubt about that.

But I'm hoping it won't take a year, I'm climbing the walls here. :eek:
 
Aussiekate......it would be a beautiful life if we all aged the same, at the same time, in the same place in our relationships. But alas, we do not. There is nothing more nerve wracking than a spouse who is not on the same page or moving at the same time. Been there, done that. IMO, many a marriage could be saved, the friendships that make up marriages could be saved if an open or poly relationship could be engaged by both parties. If we focused on the love, the sharing and the friendships instead of the "ownership" of a partner, the world would be a better place.

You feel that you are missing out? Well maybe you are. I was. My current love is the lover of my dreams and then some, going strong as ever after 10-12 years just like honeymooners. My ex is/was easily my best friend, the mother of my children and a woman I have the utmost respect for. We simply came to a crossroads she could not navigate. Oddly, she has remained as my office manager these last 5 years and in office we get along great. We just don't associate outside the office.

Just beware...the grass isn't always greener. I dated around a bit in between and the paucity of great lovers out there is astounding. You will probably find it is disappointing when compared to your great sex life at home (if it indeed still is).
 
Aussiekate......it would be a beautiful life if we all aged the same, at the same time, in the same place in our relationships. But alas, we do not. There is nothing more nerve wracking than a spouse who is not on the same page or moving at the same time. Been there, done that. IMO, many a marriage could be saved, the friendships that make up marriages could be saved if an open or poly relationship could be engaged by both parties. If we focused on the love, the sharing and the friendships instead of the "ownership" of a partner, the world would be a better place.

You feel that you are missing out? Well maybe you are. I was. My current love is the lover of my dreams and then some, going strong as ever after 10-12 years just like honeymooners. My ex is/was easily my best friend, the mother of my children and a woman I have the utmost respect for. We simply came to a crossroads she could not navigate. Oddly, she has remained as my office manager these last 5 years and in office we get along great. We just don't associate outside the office.

Just beware...the grass isn't always greener. I dated around a bit in between and the paucity of great lovers out there is astounding. You will probably find it is disappointing when compared to your great sex life at home (if it indeed still is).
Thanks for your input. I'm a long way from having resigned myself from having to choose one or the other, and remain optimistic that it won't come to that. :)
 
I can feel the pain as my case is also going through divorce.As due to some reasons I was really not happy with my partner.But now I feel like this is the worst decision I had ever taken of divorce.Rather I would have appointed a family lawyer who would have provided me with the a proper advice so we would had led a happy life.
 
I can feel the pain as my case is also going through divorce.As due to some reasons I was really not happy with my partner.But now I feel like this is the worst decision I had ever taken of divorce.Rather I would have appointed a family lawyer who would have provided me with the a proper advice so we would had led a happy life.

Why did you link to your lawyers? That's weird.
 
I'm the wife in a similar scenario (though I'm not bi). We've been married 22 years and I'm craving the variety and "new relationship energy" that comes with sleeping with other men. I'm completely happy in my marriage and with our sex life, but I feel like I'm really missing out on something that I need. I don't think I'm truly polyamorous, but I am seeking sex that's more than a purely physical experience - there needs to be enough of a connection for me to feel safe and intimate, but I'm not seeking another love relationship. I'd say I'm looking for a "friend with benefits", to add a bit of spice and adventure and freedom to my otherwise-perfect life.

My husband is trying really hard not to perceive this as a rejection of him, and I've tried for around five or six years now to make my feelings "go away", but they're not, and I really fear I'm going to resent him if it doesn't happen (though I'd never cheat).


We are seeing a poly-friendly counsellor but this is definitely the toughest challenge we've ever faced, and every other aspect of our marriage is awesome. Any advice you folks can offer is most welcome. :)


I would suggest you and your husband spend some time reading old threads on the forum because I think there might be a few things you've over looked.

1) more than a few people have started out with the intention not to fall in love and had to face the issues that it caused after it happened.

2) the perfect, happy, awesome marriage ( however you choose to describe it ) will be over ...Done ...chances are there will be a period of mourning. If this hasn't happened yet it something to be aware of. Bottom line this will be a change ...however big or small depends on the players and how it fits into the old routines.

3) Going to resent. You say you think youre going to recent him if it doesnt happen. Have we thought about the shoe being on the other foot ??

4) the intellectual ...looks good on paper...I think I'm ok with this (poly) agreement from your husband only to find out 6 month to a yr later he cant take it...cant do it. You're in full dating bliss ...the Genie wont go back in the bottle. Then there will be threads how to live as room mates, etc.



It sounds like your husband is working on coming to terms with this new dynamic. How long has his education program been ? Meaning the reading and poly therapist.

And you said you've struggle for 5-6 yrs ...what did you do specifically to try to overcome such feelings. Did you try any therapy ...solo or as a couple?
 
more than a few people have started out with the intention not to fall in love and had to face the issues that it caused after it happened
Can't preclude the possibility; the heart cannot be controlled. We've developed some ground rules to try to minimise the possibility, e.g. I pick potential partners who are at dramatically different life stages (guys in their 20s living very single lives who are into older women but commitment-phobic), and with whom I have enough connection to feel safe having sex with, but who I don't feel would ever make a compatible life partner. Is it foolproof? No. But it's something we've thought about.
dingedheart said:
the perfect, happy, awesome marriage ( however you choose to describe it ) will be over ...Done ...chances are there will be a period of mourning. If this hasn't happened yet it something to be aware of. Bottom line this will be a change ...however big or small depends on the players and how it fits into the old routines.
We have both made a commitment that the survival of this marriage is our highest priority. I'm not sure what else we can do. I'm confident we love and respect each other very much, and we really do want to make each other happy.
dingedheart said:
Going to resent. You say you think youre going to recent him if it doesnt happen. Have we thought about the shoe being on the other foot ??
Of course! We talk about it endlessly!
dingedheart said:
the intellectual ...looks good on paper...I think I'm ok with this (poly) agreement from your husband only to find out 6 month to a yr later he cant take it...cant do it. You're in full dating bliss ...the Genie wont go back in the bottle. Then there will be threads how to live as room mates, etc.
We plan to take it very slowly, and only progress as he's sure that it's sustainable. But you're right, life doesn't come with guarantees. It's not a risk-free journey. None of us is getting out alive!
dingedheart said:
It sounds like your husband is working on coming to terms with this new dynamic. How long has his education program been ? Meaning the reading and poly therapist.

And you said you've struggle for 5-6 yrs ...what did you do specifically to try to overcome such feelings. Did you try any therapy ...solo or as a couple?
I've tried a lot of cybersex and chat to see if that filled my need. For a few years, it was enough. For the past few years, I've been telling him it's not and that I needed real interaction.

I've been in counselling the whole time.

We recently (about a month ago) started poly-friendly couples counselling, and he's about to start individual counselling. So we do have a way to go on this journey together.

I confess that I'm resistant to the suggestion that my feelings are "wrong" and thus need to be overcome. I don't consider them as unhealthy. But as acting on them would - based on my husband's present state of mind - be hurtful to him, I am going to talk to my counsellor about whether this is a useful and/or achievable goal to have.
 
You said your not seeking another love relationship. Most poly people are the opposite I'd say you're somewhere between swinging and poly. May I ask why...is it this something you want because your afraid of what might happen or is this something your husband want and will help him with his transition. To many it looks like you're leaving 1/2 the chips on the table.

I do like you plan on the younger guys. :D:D


Has he gone through the mourning phase yet. That's a touchy phase I'd trend very lightly during that time.

Have you asked the therapist what the success rate of the mono poly transition because around here it seems rather small. Seems like a high percent of poly bombed flat out don't make it. There also seems to be a trend of cheaters using poly as cover or soft transition . So of the survivors there seems to be a percentage who think they don't have options and or put up with it til the kids are gone. The cuckolds love it ....and then there's the small remainder mono's who are happy with poly spouses / partners. That being said are several people here who've done it so it might be a tall mountain but not impossible one to climb.

Personally I think it's easier to understand if your doing it yourself...you can't really explain how to ride a motorcycle or what it feels like ....or going a 180 in a race car ...you have to do it. In my case I learn this after the fact...anyway that's my suggestion. You might want to gingerly suggest he date. In fact I'd suggest a gymnast ...I remember in college dating this gymnast she had a grip it was like a handshake ....gosh I wonder what she's doing now....anyway ginger on dating ....nudge toward gymnast or something similar.


Progressing at the speed of sustainability. Here's where I think things are going to get tangled. Emotions run hot and cold ....how much stress he feels in everyday life , etc ....then you have pressure he feels he's under to give the green light. If he's a people pleaser type he won't want to let you down ....the marriage down , etc. ( more pressure ) If he's a rip the bandaid off the guy ...fuck it lets get this over with....or rather fuck " him " you might as well get this over with :D
And I might be the odd man out here but I'd say I didn't feel the full effects for a month / 6 weeks in.


Is there / was there a mismatch in libidos .....and how did your husband handle the cyber sex experience. Or rather how long did it take him to get use to it/ embrace it.

You said you tried for 5 yrs to make those feeling go away ....I restated using the word overcome I wasn't suggesting your feeling were wrong. I took as something you were trying to get rid of.
 
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