Mono, New to Poly and need a little help

You said your not seeking another love relationship. Most poly people are the opposite I'd say you're somewhere between swinging and poly. May I ask why...is it this something you want because your afraid of what might happen or is this something your husband want and will help him with his transition.
It's just what I want. I don't feel that I neatly fill into either the poly or swinger box, or that I should have to; I am somewhere in-between. I only want a committed, loving relationship with my husband. I want a respectful, affectionate, romantic, sexual relationship with one or more other men, that will always be secondary to my relationship with my husband (with men who are completely happy to be in this position). I don't believe that I'm compromising what I really want - to be fully poly - out of deference to my husband's feelings; I think given absolute freedom of any consideration for his feelings, it's what I'd choose.
dingedheart said:
Has he gone through the mourning phase yet. That's a touchy phase I'd trend very lightly during that time.
That's exactly where he is, and bless him, he's moving relatively quickly, and with a determination that he can get through it and that it will ultimately be OK and that we will find a new normal.
dingedheart said:
Have you asked the therapist what the success rate of the mono poly transition because around here it seems rather small. Seems like a high percent of poly bombed flat out don't make it. There also seems to be a trend of cheaters using poly as cover or soft transition . So of the survivors there seems to be a percentage who think they don't have options and or put up with it til the kids are gone. The cuckolds love it ....and then there's the small remainder mono's who are happy with poly spouses / partners. That being said are several people here who've done it so it might be a tall mountain but not impossible one to climb.
No, because it really doesn't seem relevant. Our marriage will either survive or it won't. If we find out that we're unlikely to survive, how does knowing that help us? Not going on this journey isn't an option; the only option is to go through it the very best way that we can, with the best advice and the most compassion and love and patience and generosity that we can.
 
Just to play devil's advocate here... I feel it important to ask what happens if he comes to the determination that he simply cannot go through with it, period? Is this something you're truly willing to accept & forgo, or is it something that you're determined on pursuing with or without him?

The reason I ask, is because initially, you seemed as though keeping your marriage in tact was most important. Yet, most recently, you state that "not going on this journey isn't an option".

Speaking as a mono, who has his own set of complications having the bomb dropped on me. Try as we might, there are those of us who can never agree to going on such a "journey". Granted, I take much more of a hard lined stance that perhaps most... But suppose your husband ends up realizing that he can never accept it happening?
 
I feel it important to ask what happens if he comes to the determination that he simply cannot go through with it, period? Is this something you're truly willing to accept & forgo, or is it something that you're determined on pursuing with or without him?
It's not that I'm "determined on pursuing" it, so much as I feel that it's an inherent part of me that I'm not sure I can continue to repress indefinitely without it damaging me.

I don't definitively know the answer to this question yet, and I'm seeking my own counselling, but my suspicion is that the answer is that if he simply can't be happy with me expressing this aspect of myself, that it's likely that we'll have to find happiness separately.

We would both be devastated if this is the outcome.
 
It's not that I'm "determined on pursuing" it, so much as I feel that it's an inherent part of me that I'm not sure I can continue to repress indefinitely without it damaging me.

I don't definitively know the answer to this question yet, and I'm seeking my own counselling, but my suspicion is that the answer is that if he simply can't be happy with me expressing this aspect of myself, that it's likely that we'll have to find happiness separately.

We would both be devastated if this is the outcome.

I understand that completely. And please know that I'm not asking with any sort of attempt to persuade you give up on that expression. In my case, my wife had told me that she's not insistent on pursuing it. And since I am very adamant about keeping our marriage closed, she is extremely willing to keep it that way. Every marriage/relationship is different. Some are more open to the idea than others, and some are not.

If it's any help, I'd have to say that him being comfortable with you engaging in cyber sex online would hint to the notion that he's not as closed about it as I am. I would freak if my wife did/wanted to do that.

Good luck.
 
Mono husband trying to handle wife being poly.

So I've been with my wife for 8 year in a mono/mono relationship. But a month ago she told me she wants to bring in another male to are marriage. I wasn't to shocked at first because the other male has been a close friend of are for 9 months. It wasn't til she told me they had sex that I just shut down. I now have dreams and sexual images of them together. I also feel I have a lower selfasteam do to this. She does reassures me that she still is in love with me but I can't help but to feel left out. I just want someone to talk to that has successfully been through this.
 
We'll be happy to help, sometimes you just need a listening ear.

What's the worst part about this?
 
So I've been with my wife for 8 year in a mono/mono relationship. But a month ago she told me she wants to bring in another male to are marriage. I wasn't to shocked at first because the other male has been a close friend of are for 9 months. It wasn't til she told me they had sex that I just shut down. I now have dreams and sexual images of them together. I also feel I have a lower selfasteam do to this. She does reassures me that she still is in love with me but I can't help but to feel left out. I just want someone to talk to that has successfully been through this.

I am sorry you're going through this. While I definitely recommend you start your own thread so people can see it and weigh in I'll start here.

You say you'd like to talk to someone that has successfully been through this. What is your definition, at this point, of "successful? Is it a transition to a poly relationship where the affair partner stays in the mix? Is it healing from the affair with your wife, and returning to a mono relationship? Or another configuration?
 
We'll be happy to help, sometimes you just need a listening ear.

What's the worst part about this?

For me its not really knowing his true intentions. I sometimes wonder if this is a game to him or he real does want a long term relationship. I also fear that I might become the third wheel in all this. She says I'm the primary but I don't completely feel that way. I also experience a lack of confidence in and out of the bedroom. I'm typically not much of a crier but this month I've broke down 4 times. I really do love my wife with all my heart. I know I'm only 27 years old and I have a whole life ahead of me but I do want to spend it with her. I also keep trying to find ways to spend time with her but I feel she doesn't put in any effort to talk or go out with me. I even tell her this. We do go out on weekends though it does help. I work nights so spending time with her is a big deal to be. Any ideas for things I can do with her to make the most of it. It is just really hard to let her be with another guy. I don't know if I'm just over thinking the situation or not. When where all together everything is great. But the insecurities and jealousys come when im at work or trying to sleep.
 
Re:
"I sometimes wonder if this is a game to him or if he really does want a long-term relationship."

Have you met with him privately to discuss his intentions?

Re:
"Any ideas for things I can do with her to make the most of it?"

Spend time with her at times when you are both relaxed and can focus 100% on each other. No distractions.
 
No I haven't. And right now wouldn't be a good time to discuss what's going on. Because he's dealing with a current loss. My wife tells me the whole thing might he on pause due to what's going on with him.
 
Wow, whatever this loss was, it really knocked the wind out of him.
 
There is a cautionary tale hiding here...the worries of the gf/wife being with another man are understandable from a biological standpoint. But it has to be said, "allowing" additional partners when they are female and can service your fantasy could be frowned upon. There are a lot of men out there who claim poly so that several women can fulfill their sexual needs, but then some of those men have a problem with those women they are attached to having any other male partners. This is one sided and won't facilitate poly lifestyles for very long.
 
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