Mono/Poly - is it safe to say all the hard work falls on the mono?

i can see having that position sitting up here in the cheap seats but that would seem a little harsh for a spouse express to their struggling mono partner. AND damn right cold / brutal if there was a long drawn out lobbying program to open up.

I agree that would be harsh coming from a spouse in that context. At this point in time, Bearpancake has not mentioned anything wife has said. So I don't know what the wife says.

*I* am saying "Bearpancake, if you don't feel good doing this, please be careful! Remember that you have to look out for your own well being."

Basically if you’re dumb enough to sign up for it shut up and deal. Stop bitching about the work load.

That would be unkind.

Also not my POV. I have asked Bearpancake to list what they struggle with if willing and able. Maybe people can here help with some of it.

I am coming from the POV of "Bearpancake, you are responsible for your well being. If you only agreed to do this to make your wife happy? And now you realize you are doing most of the heavy lifting, you aren't even sure you want this mono-poly relationship arrangement, you are worried you are setting yourself up for failure or that this might wreck your marriage?

It's ok to take a time out. Stop to reassess or stop completely before this goes even further. It's ok to pull back.

The mono person's happiness matters too. It cannot be only about the poly person's happiness."

I wasn’t thinking about disbanding with grace thats a good idea too. I was thinking of escape clause that favors the mono To help ease a struggling mind. In some states the divorce laws are heavily slanted in favor of the female. As a former married mono and as with the op’s case the wife wants an open or poly dynamic OK fine …but I want to jump off or out for whatever reason Without paying the usual high rate.

Something else for Bearpancake to think about.

"What are the laws where I live? If we do end up breaking up, what are my risks in a divorce? What do I need in place to ease my mind?"

Last edited:
What sorts of things can we do to make a more equitable split

I don't think emotional labor works that way. She can deal with whatever emotional labor she is dealing with, and you have to deal with yours. She can't take on part of your work in dealing with fear, insecurity, jealousy, etc, that's all internal to you and you are the only one who has any real say over it.

because I feel like I'm pushing the boulder uphill so she can live her best life, and while I'm willing to do it to make her happy,

You are willing to do the work to make her happy, but you are upset that you have to do the work to make her happy.

Personally I would encourage you to step away from this minimizing and distracting language. When you minimize like this you rationalize taking on work that you aren't willing to do, which earns you the kind of resentment you are now experiencing. If you are not happy doing whatever work your wife needs to live her life, you need to speak up.

I don't want to get to the point where all the hard stuff is always on me

You having more work to do is just a structure of the situation you are in. Take sex and monogamy away from it to see if the issue is easier to frame:

  • Your wife tells you she wants to pick up paddle boarding. She's never done it before but she's excited, interested, and has access to a community to help encourage and embrace the new member.
  • You aren't interested in paddle boarding, but you want to go on this journey with your partner. It all seems pretty easy to her, she hops right up and doesn't seem to be having any struggle, but it's just chaos and discomfort for you every step of the way.

There isn't anything magical about what you are experiencing; it's just a product of people entering adventures as a team when not everyone wants to be on the adventure. It is always going to be more work for the one who doesn't really want to be there.