Mono secondary--how does this work?

[newbie]

Hello. All of this is completely new to me, so please forgive what is bound to be an awkward post. I feel like I have a million questions, but this post may end up being more of a search for empathy. We’ll see…

My story feels long and complicated, but the short version is that I am a recently divorced, straight, mono (I believe) woman in a relationship with a man who is in a newly open marriage (we’ll call him A). We began our relationship with the intent to have something along the lines of a casual physical friendship. I don’t think “poly” was in either of our vocabularies. Initially, our situation suited me perfectly--I was not interested in any sort of committed relationship, given my recent divorce. But I had made a new friend who I enjoyed spending time with and cared about. I was interested in hearing about how this new open relationship was working for him and his wife (she also has a girlfriend). I was happy and felt that both of us were receiving what we needed and wanted.

Well, along the way, we have fallen deeply in love with each other. This complicated things for all the usual reasons, as well as a few other reasons peculiar to our situation. Without knowing how this was supposed to work, I eventually made the decision to stay in the relationship, despite knowing that the situation sometimes made me sad and that it would probably end painfully for me one day (yes, I am an eternal pessimist). The vast majority of the time I was (and am) happier than I have ever been, and there was no question that any pain I might experience would be worth it.

The first issue that arose was, of course, jealousy. I have never been a jealous person, and it has only happened a couple of times now. But I didn’t know how to process the all-consuming jealousy that was so intense that I was left curled up in a ball feeling sick and like I couldn’t breathe or think about anything else. So awful that I felt I could not continue the relationship unless I found a way to manage these feelings. Those little episodes resulted in an Internet search, where I stumbled across this wonderful forum and learned that there is actually a name for our type of relationship and that it’s really not as unusual as we had thought. I also learned that my relationship with A is secondary, while his marriage is primary. And that, within our little universe, I’m now a mono in a world of polys. Just understanding those basic things has done wonders in helping me understand what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, what to do about it, etc.

Fast-forward to today: A and I recently agreed that we’re in a committed, long-term relationship. I’m incredibly happy. But now I’m wondering, how is this supposed to work in a way that’s healthy for everyone involved? Most of the time, I’m fine. I understand that A can and does love two women, that that does not diminish his love for either of us, that he’s not comparing us, that his ability to love both of us does not represent any void or shortcoming he feels in his relationship with each of us. Although I’m sad that I can’t have the same kind of relationship that A shares with his wife, I’m genuinely happy that his marriage makes him so happy, and I would never wish otherwise for him. So with that out of the way--I still get so sad sometimes. I don’t experience the insane jealousy anymore, thankfully. But I become so heartbroken when I randomly realize certain things--like the fact that I’ll never get to spend holidays with him; or the fact that the default is that A shares his life with his wife, and I’m the exception; or that I'm always going to prioritize their relationship and his wife's feelings over mine (I already feel guilty for taking up time A might otherwise be spending with his wife; I know, and he has told me, that they are doing great and any issues like that are theirs to work out--but I can't help being concerned). A is incredibly understanding and patient, and anytime I voice any unhappiness, he is quick to comfort me or find a solution or whatever it is I need in that moment. And I love and appreciate that. But I know it hurts him to see me sad, and I hate feeling like I’m so frequently asking for reassurance. So how do I just make myself ok with this?

And, yes, this is jumping the gun a bit (but again, I’m a pessimist)--how is this supposed to work if I want to one day have a primary relationship? I can’t/won’t ever ask A to fully incorporate me into his life in that way. So I suppose I would be looking for a second relationship. Right now, I don’t want that, and I have no idea if I ever will. I love A and do not want to be with anyone else. But one day, if I decide that I do need all of those things that just are not a part of a secondary relationship, what are my options? I guess I’m hoping that someone has been in a similar situation and can tell me that, at least for them, it had a positive outcome. I’m not used to living with so many unknowns, and it would just be nice to have a glimpse of what my future could possibly look like.

I’m sorry for the incredibly long post! I guess, in hindsight, I just really needed to “talk” about this. If you’ve actually read this, thanks. And even if no one responds to this post, I just wanted to say that I’m so glad this forum/community exists. Reading these discussions has been the only thing getting me through some very rough nights.

 

[redpepper]

There is no reason why you can't work towards more involvement in his life and his wife's. Spend holidays with them, do things with both of them, become part of a family. If that is what you want. You could have a wonderful metamour friendship with her.

Does he see you as secondary? And what does that mean to him? That your needs are considered lesser of his and his wife's? Is that okay with you?

Frankly I would not treat a secondary that way as I don't agree that they should be. Is this how you feel about yourself? How you think it should be?

Mono feels the same way. Although we have never treated him as such. He bows out humbly when he thinks he should. Quite often we drag him into the light by telling him his say is important and expected. He is part of our whole. There is not just me and nerdist now, but me and nerdist and Mono. We are not whole without him. Is this what you want? Or do you always want to be in the background?

There is no reason to look for a primary I would think if there is a chance to be more or a participant. It just takes time and experience. All of which are obtainable. Looking for a primary, by the way, makes you poly.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Looking for a primary, by the way, makes you poly.

Nice catch Lilo Not that there is anything wrong with that LOL!

 

[jkelly]

What is your relationship with his wife like? Have you ever talked? Are you friends? A lot of the time issues in the kind of relationship you are in can be worked out more efficiently when there's open communication between the two people who are dating the same person (or "metamours" as they sometimes get called).

how is this supposed to work if I want to one day have a primary relationship? I can’t/won’t ever ask A to fully incorporate me into his life in that way. So I suppose I would be looking for a second relationship. Right now, I don’t want that, and I have no idea if I ever will. I love A and do not want to be with anyone else. But one day, if I decide that I do need all of those things that just are not a part of a secondary relationship, what are my options?

I think that this sort of boils down to the choice of whether or not you discover that you like being in poly- relationships and want to continue to have them. If that's the case, you may one day wind up involved with someone who is poly- and perfectly content that you have the relationship with A that you do. If you discover that you don't, then one day you and A will break up, and you'll go on to have mono- relationships in the future.

 

[sage]

Hi and welcome

You're in the right place. Monovcphg is a mono but I don't think you could call him a secondary. My partner has "secondary" and we have decided that "secondary" is a label that does not do their relationship justice. We now refer to the points on our V as "partner" (because he and I have a committed life together) and "Significant Other".

In our V both SO and I are currently mono so I have some understanding of where you're coming from. You're doing very well I think; being a mono SO is just as difficult as being a mono partner I'm sure, but obviously for different reasons.

Your life will probably evolve in one of two ways, you'll either become more involved with your lover's family (like monovcphg), have you talked about that? Or you'll find another relationship that you will integrate or not depending on its nature.

Don't worry so much about your effect on your SO and his wife, it sounds like they have a good handle on things and your rights and feelings are important and valid. You have enough to deal with, let the guilt go.

Smiles

 

[sage]

I started replying to this post when there were 0 replies but was Unavoidably distracted! -hence stupid looking reiteration of material.

@Red Pepper, according to my understanding of the wiki definition of polyamory anyone who is accepting/involved with polyamorous relationships is polyamory. So as a SO newbie already is poly. Just makes us monos feel more included.

 

[newbie]

Thanks for the advice!

He certainly does not treat me as a secondary in the sense that my needs are considered lesser. In fact, he’s constantly telling me that his wife and I are of equal importance to him, that I need to tell him if I need something more or different, and that it’s perfectly fine if I say, for example, that some arrangement that fits their schedule isn’t ideal for me. But you’re right—that’s how I feel about myself. I feel like I should be or have to be in the background, because they’re married, and I’m the outsider. Do I want it to be this way? I don’t know. I guess I need to think about that. I theoretically really like the idea of becoming part of a family. But I’m a little terrified of being an intruder, third wheel, etc., and I don’t know if I could ever stop feeling worried or insecure or guilty. The other big hang-up is that I’ve actually never met his wife. I’m open to the idea, but a bit wary, out of fear that my jealousy will flare up again. And while she knows quite a bit about me, and it sounds like we actually would get along really well, I have no idea if she has any interest in meeting me.

And yeah, I know that looking for a primary would make me poly. And who knows, maybe one day I will discover that I am poly! I'm definitely open to the idea in theory, because I don't want to give up my relationship with A. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

If someone who is a secondary or some other third party to a committed couple and doesn't mind sharing, how does this work for you? Do you feel any sort of void or absence from not having a primary relationship? I can’t tell if the “need” I feel for that kind of relationship is societal conditioning that will fade the longer I’m in this relationship or an actual need that I shouldn’t ignore.

Don't worry so much about your effect on your SO and his wife, it sounds like they have a good handle on things and your rights and feelings are important and valid. You have enough to deal with, let the guilt go.

Thanks for the reply! I did not see that when I was writing my last post. I don't mean to pry, so please feel free to ignore this. But I'm very curious as to how you felt about your partner starting a relationship with his SO. I'm hoping it will help me stop feeling guilty. Although A's wife also has another relationship, she had a pretty hard time adjusting to the fact that A and I had fallen in love, and I'm constantly worried that I'm somehow hurting her or making her feel unhappy in some way.

Sorry for the numerous posts! I've been poking around the forum and found several threads that address the questions I posed. So please feel free to disregard (though if anyone does have additional thoughts, I'd love to hear them).

 

[FormerUnicorn]

Sorry for the numerous posts! I've been poking around the forum and found several threads that address the questions I posed. So please feel free to disregard (though if anyone does have additional thoughts, I'd love to hear them).

Good lord, you're a sweetie.

Poly advice aside, it seems to me that it's your general attitude about yourself that may be the most hindering factor in your V. Relationships of any sort can really bring out our own insecurities, and this one sounds like it's done a number on you. That's not a bad thing! Take some time to explore your own feelings and motivations. Why do you feel the way you do? Why do you feel like you need to apologize for asking well-thought out questions? Is this lack of confidence usual for you, or is it related only to feeling marginalized in your relationship? And how much of that marginalization is self-imposed?

Remember that you have rights in this relationship too, and you are doing your SO no favors by keeping your needs to yourself. He's asking you to be honest with him about your wants and needs, and if you are consistently deferring them in favor of what you think his wife wants and needs, you're denying him the chance to make you happy. Worrying about his relationship with his wife is his job, not yours. Sure, you should take it into consideration, as it's a very large part of his life, but if you spend more time focused on that than about your own relationship with him, then what's the point?

I, for one am curious to hear what his wife says about meeting you.

 

[newbie]

Poly advice aside, it seems to me that it's your general attitude about yourself that may be the most hindering factor in your V. Relationships of any sort can really bring out our own insecurities, and this one sounds like it's done a number on you. That's not a bad thing! Take some time to explore your own feelings and motivations. Why do you feel the way you do? Why do you feel like you need to apologize for asking well-thought out questions? Is this lack of confidence usual for you, or is it related only to feeling marginalized in your relationship? And how much of that marginalization is self-imposed?

Good questions! Thanks for raising these points. I do have insecurity issues, but they stem from a lot of things—most recently from being in (and leaving) an unhealthy marriage. My relationship with A has actually done wonders for a lot of those insecurities. So you’re right—pretty much all of the marginalization that I feel is either self-imposed or the product of our emotions advancing at faster pace than our discussions about the nature and parameters of our relationship.

Worrying about his relationship with his wife is his job, not yours. Sure, you should take it into consideration, as it's a very large part of his life, but if you spend more time focused on that than about your own relationship with him, then what's the point?

Thank you for laying this out for me so clearly. I think that is what A has been trying to convey to me, but he didn’t want to be as direct about it. You’re right. That’s his job, not mine. Now that I’m thinking about it, my fears/concerns about A’s relationship with his wife stem from my friends’ judgments about this relationship. My best friend is trying to be supportive but can’t understand how any of this is ok. At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address. All that really mattered to me was that I love A and love being in a relationship with him. But my friend said that my attitude made her sad and, without actually saying it, made me feel like I’m selfish and have the capacity to be a homewrecker. The thought of being that person horrifies me. And that’s why I’m now constantly worried about my effect on their relationship. But again, now that I’m thinking about it, I suppose that’s kind of ridiculous. I don’t have the ability to wreck A’s marriage—he loves his wife and is deeply committed to their relationship, and they’re very open and communicative with each other.

Well, realizing all of these things and actually internalizing them are very different things. We’ll see how this goes…

I, for one am curious to hear what his wife says about meeting you.

From what I’ve been reading, it sounds like there’s general consensus that it’s definitely a good idea for the partner and SO in a V to meet each other. But I’m nervous about bringing it up; I’m worried that it will come across as me trying to somehow insert myself into their relationship. Any advice as to how to approach this? Or could things be fine if we just don’t meet?

 

[FormerUnicorn]

I'm glad I could help you build some framework to look at your situation through.

Just be honest about your fears about meeting his wife. Ask him what he thinks about it, his expectations, what he would or would not like to see happen between the two of you in terms of building a relationship yourselves. Also be sure to ask some probing questions about his relationship with her girlfriend, and what sort of relationship his wife wants him to have with her girlfriend.

A lot of your fear could be taken away simply because you would know where he stands on these things. Of course MEETING her will still be scary, there's no denying that! But hopefully there will have been enough preparation to make the introduction easier for everyone involved.

Don't be afraid to use this place as a sounding board, or a place simply to collect your thoughts. I'm pretty new to this forum's community, but everything I've seen and read leads me to believe it's a very positive collection of people. Some of the stories are simply inspiring, and what I take away from every single one of them is that regardless of who you love, much of the journey is about self-discovery. And that excites me to no end.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

The key to my being fulfilled in my relationship as the mono secondary is simple. I put the health of the primary relationship ahead of my own. Because I give as much as I can, what I need comes to me naturally. The health of their relationship is my responsibility because the health of my relationship with Redpepper depends on it. The other part of that equation is genuine love for her husband as a brother essentially. If you are looking for "family", nothing else will do in my opinion.

All these relationships come down to a basic idea: identifying what we want out of them. What do you want? What do they want? Once you all know this, then you can better decide how much interaction with his wife is needed.

 

[redpepper]

@Red Pepper, according to my understanding of the wiki definition of polyamory anyone who is accepting/involved with polyamorous relationships is polyamory. So as a SO newbie already is poly. Just makes us monos feel more included.

hmmmm.....Mono would not agree I think. He does not want inclusion or to think he is in a poly relationship. When I am with him, we are monogamous, right down to monogamous friends... (although we hang out with poly friends too). It is our way of making sure that he feels "normal" in the context of mono life. He is mono, he needs to have his peeps, just as poly people need their peeps!

Thank you for laying this out for me so clearly. I think that is what A has been trying to convey to me, but he didn’t want to be as direct about it. You’re right. That’s his job, not mine.....

At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address.

I actually agree with this only to a point. If this is a short term thing that you are only interested in for the moment, then yes... it is his problem only and nothing to do with you, but is sounds like you want this to be for the long haul... therefore, it eventually needs to be about you too. Poly brings on not only fights/discussion between a coupling within a tribe, but fights/discussions between everyone or any number of people involved. This is what makes it work for a longer time is because everyone is being open and honest... everyone is sharing their feelings and dealing with others.

Eventually you will have to meet her and become closer... there is no way I have seen this to work to everyone's comfort otherwise.

 

[sage]

Hi Newbie
I'm happy to share my experience. This will bring you up to speed in a nutshell: I was in very long term marriage and had tinkered with opening it up. So when it ended I was philosophically open to polyamory when I met my poly partner. I thought I'd be OK with it but as my love for him grew my anxiety about it grew and my desire to have anyone else disappeared.

Just like your lover's wife will have to do I had to work through it. Most of that work was done between my partner and I. I can honestly say that i have never really blamed his SO. I have had issues with the way she has handled herself at times but that is a whole other story. I have told her how I felt when I've had a problem, nicely of course, and she's always respected it when I've asked for certain boundaries. We are at the stage where I am now actively trying to build a relationship with her, and having some success. As the partner in the V I would rather be more of a triad, I just think it would work better all round and it's what my partner wants. That's one of the reasons why I consider myself a polyamorous mono (at this stage). It's taken me two years to get to this point I might add.

I can see where your lover's wife has found your relationship a bit hard. You can "academically" accept something but you never know how it can throw you until it actually happens. I can see how the intensity of your relationship may have pushed her. But she signed on for it. At this stage anyway I don't think you should be worrying about it.

Oh and I've learned the hard way about telling other people. I wouldn't tell anyone until you are very sure of yourself, or they were polyamorous. Other people just reflect back to you your own anxieties which is useless to you. I started moving ahead in leaps and bounds when I started looking for the positives in my situation. If your friend can't/won't respect your relationship you may have to pull back from her for a while. At the very least don't vent to her, don't discuss your relationship with her and ask her just to respect your decision. I have had to do that with my daughter who thinks I'm "abnormal" and it seems to be working.

Good talking with you

 

[newbie]

Thanks so much for the advice! I genuinely appreciate it, and although I’m feeling really nervous about bringing these things up with A, I’m also feeling so much more clarity. So, thanks!

All these relationships come down to a basic idea: identifying what we want out of them. What do you want? What do they want? Once you all know this, then you can better decide how much interaction with his wife is needed.

With all of my confusion and uncertainty, I hadn’t been able to break it down this simply—thank you. This gives me a concrete starting point. Until we answer these questions, I guess my worrying and speculating are pretty pointless.

I actually agree with this only to a point. If this is a short term thing that you are only interested in for the moment, then yes... it is his problem only and nothing to do with you, but is sounds like you want this to be for the long haul... therefore, it eventually needs to be about you too.

I think I’ve known this is true; I’m just scared of the potential consequences. I guess I’m afraid that I’ll find out that she doesn’t want to meet me or dislikes me or…some other thing that will rock the boat and negatively affect the entire situation. But I guess if that’s the case, I need to know that. Thanks

I can see where your lover's wife has found your relationship a bit hard. You can "academically" accept something but you never know how it can throw you until it actually happens. I can see how the intensity of your relationship may have pushed her. But she signed on for it. At this stage anyway I don't think you should be worrying about it.

Thanks so much for sharing your story! And thank you for emphasizing that things take time to develop. I guess I just wanted things to jump to stable place where I know where everyone stands and what the future holds. But apparently I need to slow down and let things unfold at their own pace.

If your friend can't/won't respect your relationship you may have to pull back from her for a while. At the very least don't vent to her, don't discuss your relationship with her and ask her just to respect your decision.

I’m having a really hard time with this one. I’m used to telling her pretty much everything. But I guess I need to just suck it up, at least for a while, and find more appropriate means of venting and discussing when I need to.

Again, thanks for all the advice, everyone. I’ll work on mustering up enough courage to discuss these things with A. And I’m sure when that happens, I’ll be back with even more questions…

 

[sage]

You seem like a really lovely person and I wish you all the very best.

My daughter is my best friend (apart from my partner), so I know how much of a struggle stepping back from that relationship is especially when you're going through new things that are both challenging and wonderful. You want to share and I used to share just about everything with her. I suppose in a way I have replaced parts of my relationship with her right here on this forum. We still have a great relationship but as I can't talk about such a significant part of my life with her it isn't what it was.

You are in an even more difficult position because your love doesn't live with you, so why don't you start a blog in the blog and life story section. Just share with us how things are going, your achievements and challenges. I for one am very interested to know how you go.

Smiles

 

[SayYes]

I can't respond to this from the point of view of a mono partner, but I am in a similar position to A; I'm married and also have a boyfriend. My boyfriend isn't mono, but so far he only dated someone else for about a month of the time we've been together, so my experience has essentially been that of being his only partner. Obviously I can't speak for A, but I can say that in my situation, I don't want my boyfriend to ever feel like he comes second or that our relationship doesn't have equal consideration in my life. My husband and I have a daughter, and so in some ways the family has to come first. But I don't think of the two relationships in a hierarchical way, and it sounds like that's the same way A feels about you. I think you should enjoy your relationship and not put too much weight on the "what ifs" for the future. Like others have said, it's totally possible that you *can* end up eventually being included in A's family and his life the same way a monogamous partner would be. There was a period of time when I kind of struggled with guilt over not ever being able to offer my boyfriend the possibility of a "traditional" future; even though he would never want a marriage regardless, it was strange getting used to the idea that we were together but without a possibility of even moving in together eventually, progressing along those typical mono lines. But now I realize that there's no reason we can't have a future, it's just a future that looks different than what we're used to thinking about. Now, we talk about the possibility of all living together someday, and my boyfriend is definitely increasingly becoming part of my family. I think as long as you love each other, and you can be comfortable with his situation with his wife, there's no reason to think that the possibilities for your future are severely limited.

Now that I’m thinking about it, my fears/concerns about A’s relationship with his wife stem from my friends’ judgments about this relationship. My best friend is trying to be supportive but can’t understand how any of this is ok. At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address. All that really mattered to me was that I love A and love being in a relationship with him. But my friend said that my attitude made her sad and, without actually saying it, made me feel like I’m selfish and have the capacity to be a homewrecker.

I have no real advice in regard to this, but just wanted to say that I completely sympathize. My boyfriend has friends who think that it's absolutely unethical of him to be with me, and many of my friends try to be supportive but just can't understand. For me, one of the most difficult things about this journey into poly has been the loss of a support system; friends I'm used to turning to about everything are no longer able to understand my life at all. It can be lonely sometimes.

 

[newbie]

You are in an even more difficult position because your love doesn't live with you, so why don't you start a blog in the blog and life story section. Just share with us how things are going, your achievements and challenges. I for one am very interested to know how you go.

Thank you for the kind words, and for this suggestion! I actually will do that.

But I don't think of the two relationships in a hierarchical way, and it sounds like that's the same way A feels about you. I think you should enjoy your relationship and not put too much weight on the "what ifs" for the future. Like others have said, it's totally possible that you *can* end up eventually being included in A's family and his life the same way a monogamous partner would be.

Thanks for sharing your perspective! It sounds like A does approach things in much the same way, and it’s reassuring to hear that it, in your case, it has resulted in mutually rewarding relationships for everyone involved. I’m trying to let go of the “what ifs,” but that approach to life is kind of hardwired into me. I’m a worrier. I get it from my grandmother. But I’m working on it!