Help. My wife wrote me a letter and identified as polyamorous. We have been married for 4 years, together 8, known each other for over 15’years. We married and acted as a monogamous couple. After kid 2 the vibes changed. We lost emotional connection. Now I’ve been asked to open my marriage. Red flags? Would love to hear from people on both sides. I do not want to share my wife. I hold sex to be sacred meanwhile she thinks she can separate the two. Should I trust her or follow my heart and know this is not for me. I just want to keep my family together. The idea of sharing her is insane
Mono to Poly
- Thread starter Pbjtime
- Start date
I just got the information two days ago. I come from a traditional background. My first marriage. Her second. And she didn’t know this about herself when we got married. Is there any benefit to this? We have kids and I dk what to say to explain to her I think this will end us. It feels this is more important than our marriage. Which she claims is not true
I love her so much and want to keep my family together. I don’t believe divorce is an option if I will continue to have the flexibility to to date but I’m uncomfortable In this open space and the thought of her with someone else is hard to bear. I may need to think on this over a year. It’s just not on any timeline in the near future for me.
Hello Pbjtime,
It sounds like you and your wife are growing apart, she wants to be open/poly, while you remain staunchly loyal to your monogamous upbringing. Mind you there is nothing wrong with either of these paradigms, it's just that they're not compatible with each other. You want to keep your family together, that's cool, but in order to do it, either you or your wife will have to be miserable, for you can't both have what you want in life. I hear you say that the two of you have been drifting apart anyway, but there's things you can do about that. This mono/poly divide between you though ... I don't know if that can be fixed.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you and your wife are growing apart, she wants to be open/poly, while you remain staunchly loyal to your monogamous upbringing. Mind you there is nothing wrong with either of these paradigms, it's just that they're not compatible with each other. You want to keep your family together, that's cool, but in order to do it, either you or your wife will have to be miserable, for you can't both have what you want in life. I hear you say that the two of you have been drifting apart anyway, but there's things you can do about that. This mono/poly divide between you though ... I don't know if that can be fixed.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
We call it getting "poly-bombed" and it can be very painful. Yes, most couples who successfully open to some form of ethical non-monogamy take a least a year, if not two, to read, research, listen to podcasts, maybe go to a workshop on polyamory, see a poly-friendly therapist, before actually starting to date. You should definitely tell her you're in shock and need time to first get used to the idea, and then look into what it would actually entail to consent to her sharing herself with others.
Polyamory means "many loves." If she wants polyamory, she doesn't just want sex with others, she might feel her heart is open to actually romantically loving others, which may include having sex (it usually does). But if she is polyamorous, she won't fall out of love with you just because she may become fond of someone else, or fall in love with them. She will just expand the number of people she loves.
Our resource list has books, articles and a podcast that explain how ethical non-monogamy works, how to avoid mistakes and overcome difficulties.