Mono trying to overcome jealousy

H

heidi

New member
A few months ago, I started dating a man who is poly and has a relationship that he had been pursuing for several years but just consummated about a week before we met. Thus, they are in love, and he is not in love with me. She is also half our age. She lives pretty far and they only get together for about a week a month and the rest of the time he is with me pretty constantly. He is very good to me, and I want things to work out between us. I realize that my jealousy is my problem, and I am trying to work on not being jealous, but it is hard.
Here are a few of the examples of things that I feel jealous about:
  1. He was sick for most of our time together about a month ago (their visits were close together that time) and when one of his kids was a bit sick, he (BF) said, "Stay away from me, I DO NOT want to be sick on Friday" (the day the other GF was arriving). His explanation included the idea that when they get together it is a big deal, like our New Year's Eve date.
  2. When we got back together after their last visit, he had burned candles in candle holders that I had brought over and told him I did not want to share with her. We spend all our time at his house, so I feel that I should be able to have things there that are "ours." When I told him that the problem was not the candles but the feeling that she is the more important to him, he asked whether that was something that I made up, or from something I read that I was not supposed to. I told him that was like his asking me whether I was sleeping with anyone else and me asking whether he had made that idea up or whether it was because of the condoms next to my bed. He didn't see the parallel, and as a mono, I fear that I am just missing something.
Last night he told me that she is coming this weekend, though she just left and was not supposed to be here for about 5 weeks. I accept that she is coming, but feel that I had 5 weeks to develop some security in the relationship without having to deal with these transitions, and that this time would potentially bring him closer to me. He says that he will not move closer to me until I stop feeling jealous. I maintain that I will continue to have a hard time as long as this kind of difference between his relationship with her and his with me exists.
So, given that he is great and I do feel that I love him and want things to work out, how can I stop being jealous? I feel like I am as open as a poly could expect from a mono. He accuses me of not accepting him for who he is.
 
heidi said:
A few months ago, I started dating a man who is poly and has a relationship that he had been pursuing for several years but just consummated about a week before we met. Thus, they are in love, and he is not in love with me. She is also half our age. She lives pretty far and they only get together for about a week a month and the rest of the time he is with me pretty constantly. He is very good to me, and I want things to work out between us. I realize that my jealousy is my problem, and I am trying to work on not being jealous, but it is hard.
...
When I told him that the problem was not the candles but the feeling that she is the more important to him, he asked whether that was something that I made up, or from something I read that I was not supposed to.
...
Last night he told me that she is coming this weekend, though she just left and was not supposed to be here for about 5 weeks. I accept that she is coming, but feel that I had 5 weeks to develop some security in the relationship without having to deal with these transitions, and that this time would potentially bring him closer to me. He says that he will not move closer to me until I stop feeling jealous. I maintain that I will continue to have a hard time as long as this kind of difference between his relationship with her and his with me exists.

So, given that he is great and I do feel that I love him and want things to work out, how can I stop being jealous? I feel like I am as open as a poly could expect from a mono. He accuses me of not accepting him for who he is.
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Heidi,

The problem I see from what you've written is not that you are jealous. It's that you want different things from the relationship with him. He loves her, not you. She seems to be his priority, not you. There is indeed a difference between the two relationships. You appear to be more of a friend with benefits who he likes and enjoys spending time with. She's the love interest. She is more important to him than you. He may not be very upfront about that or perhaps you are not understanding him fully.

He doesn't love you in the way you want to be loved by him. I suspect that even if you suddenly never have another jealous thought, word, or deed, you will likely not get the love you want from him. You actually don't accept him for who he is. Not because of the poly but because you want more from him than he can apparently give to you.

I know you love him but from what you've written here, he does not seem like he can provide the love and life you want. I suggest that you consider moving on so that you can find someone who will love you in the way and manner in which you deserve.
 
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First, I would like to say that I think jealousy is a normal reaction for anyone. That does not mean something is wrong with you, it just means that you need to find a way to deal with it, especially if you are going to try to make this relationship work and be a part of a poly lifestyle.

I understand wanting to be in the place where the other girlfriend is, but you need to realize, from what you relayed, that what they have is built out of years of work, communication, etc. No matter when the relationship was "consummated" it has been a relationship in the works for more than a few months that you two have been together. That by no means should be taken as you are less important, but may somehow explain the deepness of his feelings for her.

Obviously there are traits in both of you that he finds appealing so that he wants to have the relationship with both of you. Each of the relationships will be different, but that does not mean she is more important than you, nor that you are more important than her. You should never look at the other girlfriend/spouse as competition. You do need to look at her as another part of his life that does exist.

I took from your explantion that you are mono. If that is true, it will take some time, patience and adjustment to understand things from a poly view rather than a mono view. If you have not done so, I would suggest doing some research into the poly lifestyle so that maybe you can gain a better understanding of the way things kind of work. It might help you better deal with your jealousy.

Good luck on your journey!!
 
thank you

You may be right.
He says that it takes him a long time to fall in love and that there is no reason to believe that he won't, but he is quite clear that I need to stop my jealousy.
 
thanks country girl too.

my last thanks was being written to Opalescence (sp?) as you were posting. I have been reading up on and trying to understand the whole poly thing because if I want this to work, I am going to have to accept it.
I guess I just don't get HOW to not feel this way.
 
also

I am not sure that their relationship is based on all of what you mention, or on the fact that he had to work so hard to get her.
 
There are tons of resources available to help with jealousy. I personally like the info on morethantwo.com it has helped me immensely.
 
Heidi, it sounds like he has nre (new relationship energy). You could do a tag search on that here and see what threads come up that are helpful. People on nre are usually selfish, uncaring, distracted and behave like their other partners are on another planet. It takes practice and empathy to be able to curve the passion and excitement one feels over a new relationship in order to respect others in ones life. He's sucking at that so far it seems.

Its not okay to tell someone to "get over" their emotions. This is a red flag to me. If he is unable to give you the time you need, respect for your requests for certain boundaries and be willing to mutually communicate gently with openness and honesty then I would wonder if he is worthy of two relationships or any at all. Patience for nre is one thing, but acting like an assholes and not adjusting that behavior is another. Are you sure this is worth being in?
 
heidi said:
You may be right.
He says that it takes him a long time to fall in love and that there is no reason to believe that he won't, but he is quite clear that I need to stop my jealousy.
Click to expand...

I would like to be wrong, Heidi, so that he can give you what you want.

Most poly folks will tell you that jealousy never really goes away for forever. Even for people who have been poly for a long time, have successfully managed several loving relationships, find themselves jealous now and again. And sometimes completely out of the blue. His demand that you stop being jealous - as in stop feeling those feelings - is not realistic at all. You will feel jealous - you can manage, cope, and not react badly because of those feelings but you will likely never stop feeling jealous. It seems to be a human nature thing for many people. And if he expects you to do all the work of managing jealousy, with no input or talking with him about it, well that is also wildly impractical and unrealistic and will lead to pain and disappointment for everyone.
 
Nre

Yes, but I am also an new relationship. If the NRE is directed at her rather than me isn't tha yet another red flag?
 
Not sure

whether it is worth being in, I guess.
I do feel that he is willing to communicate and be kind and gentle, but he gets really upset that I feel emotional. I cry, but I don't get mean or accusatory, and try to keep telling him that I don't want him to change, I just need to tell him how I feel. He will also say things like he doesn't deserve to have two girlfriends. He is a drinker and this does not help the conversation stay on the track of my just telling him how I feel. He is not used to emotions and tells me that the closest he has ever come to dealing with emotions is when his soul mate suddenly dissociated and literally went to pieces. That does not feel like a nice comparison.
 
Well the drinking would be another red flag for me. What's that? Three? The inability to constructively take on emotional content in a relationship is not, in my opinion, going to create a successful poly relationship. It seems there is a lot he needs to take on.
 
Heidi:

Another thing I would like to mention is this is something that is going to take time. It is not an "overnight transformation." I would have to agree with others in that if he is not willing to give you the time you need to adjust to the new and find your balance, then you need to move on. I fear he will keep "beating you down" until you abandon everything that you find natural. If that happens, you will lose yourself, and that will not be good.

Again, I wish you luck, and would remind you that the people here are awesome listeners and advice-givers. Do not ever sit there and keep things bottled up....
 
this is all very helpful

Thanks to everyone so far. Keep the insight coming, please.
When Redpepper says "he needs to take on," are you speaking of in the sense of "owning" or in the sense that I am putting too much on him?
Also, he says he understands that I may need time, but that he will not fall in love with me until I have reached some point of not being jealous. When I think about our conversation last night, I remember that he kept saying that it takes 3 days before and 3 days after to go through all of this stuff, but I think that is a gross exaggeration. I am not sure which bones to pick with him over things like that....
 
Heidi, I have to agree with redpepper. He does not want to seem to take on the time involved to create a special relationship with you. And telling you that he will not fall in love with you until you overcome the jealousy? That totally sounds like emotional blackmail to me. No one deserves to be put through that.

I think you would be better off finding another mono man, or, if you are thinking poly is the way for you, then another man who can give you what you need. You should never have to compromise yourself in order to make another person happy.
 
hmmmm

We do spend almost all of our time together when she is not here. He does listen to me and has agreed to spend NYE with me (I have never had a date for NYE), and actually takes me requests for my needs pretty seriously. I think he thinks I am emotionally blackmailing him by telling him that until he feels and expresses love for me I will have a hard time not being jealous of the 25 year old hot lesbian (except for this relationship with him) girlfriend. She does not currently have any girlfriends. He says that he does not want more from his relationship with her. She does not begrudge me my relationship with him, because she is much more accepting of him than I am. But I maintain that it is easy to be accepting when you are the one being loved and also seeking other relationships.
I have shared with my friends and family that he has another girlfriend, but I have been unable to share that he does not love me. I am not sure that I am being unreasonable by expecting this to happen. It seems that the feeling that the other person loves you is an important element in dealing with this kind of relationship. I am not sure I could find a therapist who takes my insurance who could guide me through this without being really judgmental about it.
 
I have never before in my life heard something so ludicrous as someone saying, "I will fall in love with you if you do so and so." That's not how love works in my mind. Either he does or he doesn't and quyite frankly if he is saying this to you, he doesn't and never will. It sounds like he likes hanging out with you an might like hanging out with you for awhile and that is fine, but he doesn't love you. I would be asking him to say it like it is rather than this emotional song and dance he is giving you that keeps you strung along. Ya. Emotional blackmail.

As to your question of me; I think he needs to own his shit, get about figuring out how to be emotional and how to accept and cherish your emotions and start being someone that appreciates and accepts others emotional well being. The drinking is likely keeping him from doing this. Once he stops, if he stops, I think he may find a flood of old stuff coming his was about his past relationships and personal history.

You can't do this for him, but if he were my partner I would ask for this process to occur and if it doesn't, in order for you to have the best possible relationship, then I would leave. I dunno, I don't settle for anything but the best. If someone is not showing me that they are processing REALLY hard then I am done with the whole thing pretty quick. I don't have time for second best. I don't think anyone should. I don't think you should.
 
wow

Thanks.
I have been alone most of my life and have been open to things that might be unconventional because I thought I might find my fit that way, but you're right. I don't deserve less than the best.
This is hard, but really not harder than anything else.
 
Not wanting to be sick when he sees his long distance girl makes sense. Not respecting your request about the candle holders seems kinda odd -- I mean, it was a simple enough request on your part, did he forget or just not care?

The fact that he's not in love with you after just a few months doesn't seem that weird, it takes me a while to fall in love too. And if he knows that feeling uncomfortable due to your jealousy will be an emotional stumbling block that will probably keep him from getting to that point with you, well, at least he's being honest about it.

However, everyone else is right, he can't just demand that you magically stop feeling jealous. It doesn't happen like that, it takes time, work, consideration, and compassion from BOTH the mono and the poly partner to get to the point where the mono can feel safe and unjealous. Maybe he's willing to do that in some ways, but it seems like he either doesn't understand or can't handle it in others.

I would consider his inability to talk about emotions a dealbreaker in any relationship but especially a poly relationship where clear emotional communication and the hard work that goes with it is essential for success.

Also, normally I don't consider age discrepancies between consenting adults an issue, but it sounds like she would have been in her early 20s and he in his late 40s when they started up, kind of a big gap. I would never assume that it couldn't be a perfectly healthy relationship, but it does make me wonder how they got involved and what the deal is there. When I was in my early 20s I was pretty immature and would have been a strange choice of love-partner for someone much older.
 
young girlfriend

yeah, when he told me she had just taken a cruise with The Back Street Boys I was taken a bit aback. It feels strange to be taking the back seat....
Sometimes I feel like I have all the shortcomings of being the old first wife (old, straight, responsible) without any of the bennies (security, seniority, etc....)
 
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