More than 1 primary?

ThatGirlInGray

New member
Yes, a person can have co-primaries, or non-hierarchical realtionships without descriptors like primary and secondary, or no primaries but multiple secondary/tertiary relationships. One of the great things about poly (as I see it, anyway) is that as long as it works for everyone, people can have whatever relationship configuration they want!
 

jewels6675

New member
Here's my situation. I met someone about two months ago and am falling very quickly for him. He is in a relationship now and wants poly relationships (he actually told me about the term and how it works) but I'm not sure I can honestly be a secondary...I think I would want to be a primary with him...I honestly want as much time with him as I can have.
 

Helo

New member
That's probably not going to make HIS primary terribly happy. Part of being polyamorous is considering the feelings, wants, and needs of the other people involved in the relationship. I'm sure you do want a lot of time with him but he is already in a relationship and the other participant(s) may not be as enthusiastic as you.

I would take some time and think if you actually want a poly relationship or if you just want a relationship with him in particular.

I personally follow a sort of "personal anarchy" concept; I dont have primaries or secondaries, I have people that I love and care for and that's that. I feel uncomfortable putting people into tiers based on when they came into my life.
 

CattivaGattina

New member
You can but it has to be something that everyone is okay with.

For me I view all my relationships (even my ones with my metamours) as equal and non-hierachal. I know that's not necessarily the case for everyone else in the family but it's how I work.
 

nycindie

Active member
Did he actually tell you he has a primary and you would only have to be secondary? Or are you assuming that the other person he is with is a primary? Because that may not be the case - he may not use a hierarchy.

Some other things to consider: you might find that you can still see him as much as you want to, whether you are labeling your role in his life as primary, secondary, or whatever. It's not the label that's important, really. What matters is asking for what you want or need and seeing if he is able to fulfill those needs/wants and meet your requests. If you say, "I want to see you four times a week and communicate with you daily," and he is able to do that, what does it matter what superficial title he or anyone else gives you?

Basically, what you need to do is start asking him as many questions about how he incorporates polyamory into his life. Questions like: How many partners does he have? Does he have a primary who comes first? How much time does he have to devote to you? Does he have any rules or boundaries with his other relationships that will affect you? Do any of his other partners have "veto power" (the ability to nix you as a partner for him, for whatever reasons)? What safer sex practices does he use? What does safer sex mean to him? Is he fluid-bonded (having unprotected sex) with anyone? How often does he get tested for STDs? Make sure that, if you are confused by any of his answers, you ask him to clarify.

Also figure out what your personal boundaries are and let him know what you will and will not accept. If it looks like it's going to be a cool arrangement that you'd feel comfy with - then, great! If it seems like you will just have a whole lot of unmet needs, drama, and angst ahead of you then start pulling back emotionally and realize he may not be a good match for you.
 
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Sannafrid

New member
When I first started seeing my primary, he was (and still is) pretty seriously involved with someone else. I started out as a secondary, but our relationship blossomed and now my metamour and I are co-primaries, and we get along very well. It can happen. And remember: clear communication is always the best policy. Talk to your partner and your meta about how much time you want to spend with him as well as your feelings about the "ranking" system.

Hope that helps. Good luck!
 
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jewels6675

New member
Thank you all for your thoughtfull responses....I greatly appreciate them.

Would it made a difference in my scenerio at all if I told you all that at the present time I live almost 390 miles away from him? I have however, been seriously considering moving to be closer to him and so that I would have better job opportunities.
 

jewels6675

New member
Well not tomorrow!!! If I do end up moving it wouldn't be until I am done with school...so that wouldn't be until this summer. But I have been considering it yes. He would be part of the reason for the move yes, but another reason (and a big one) is that I live in a very small area in Iowa and there are very few Human Resources jobs available and by moving to a bigger city such as Indianapolis I'd have more then triple Human Resources positions available to me.
 
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Dagferi

Well-known member
I have equal but separate relationships with my husband and boyfriend.
 

Silkanie

New member
To answer your initial question, Yes, it is possible, but in my relationship it is basically required that everyone treat everyone as equal and lovingly as possible and that all parties 'are primaries' and our relationship is closed otherwise.

To remark on the rest of your situation...two months is too soon, four months is too soon, six maybe. This coming summer I will be moving in with one of my partners as we are in an LDR, as she's the newest partner we'll have been partners for almost year and a half at that point and we'll have been close friends for about three years total (including my partners as the closest and most intimate kind of friend).

Jumping on it after only two months seems like a recipe for disaster. You will be at the mercy of the wind and their mood. His partner that it doesn't seem you know much about at all will (be in the same house?) have significant power over the stability of your living arrangements.

Not only would I advise heavily against rushing this, I believe you need to visit often for a fair period of time, set up a place of your own in the area even if it causes more financial challenges, take your time to be careful. Visit them as often as you can, talk, come to agreements, be affectionate, but lay the grounds and get to know eachother well. Make sure you can live with him.

I know in some ways what I'm saying might come off as harsh and painful in it's slowness. But be slow and steady and in truth things will happen fast, haste will make waste and little will last.
 

nycindie

Active member
His partner that it doesn't seem you know much about at all will (be in the same house?) have significant power over the stability of your living arrangements . . . Make sure you can live with him.
I did not get the sense from the OP's post that she wants to move in with him, but just to move closer to him and live in his city. And we do not even know whether or not his other relationship is with someone he lives with, so jumping the gun a bit there.

However, I agree that it's too soon. We have many situations where someone transplants themselves to be near a lover when it is very early on in the relationship, and it pretty much crashes and burns very soon after the move. There are many threads about it here.


OP, just keep in mind that the beginning stages of a relationship is a period where we are influenced by chemicals in our brain (oxytocin, endorphins, etc.) and are basically drugged into thinking we're falling in love, when it is really just the newness, excitement, and lust. Not a good time to make big decisions when we're stoned.
 

jewels6675

New member
First off you're right...I have no intentions of living with him. Should I end up moving...I will be living by myself with my dog and cat!!!

Secondly I personally feel as we get older we tend to know quicker as to what it is we want. I'm not a young 20 something person who is still trying to figure out who she is. I know who I am...and I know what I want out of life...academically, professionally, and eventually in my personal life as well.

Third...he wouldn't be the only reason behind my move. I have worked my ass off the last 5 years going back to school and getting my degree with honors at that. It is very important to me to be successfull in my career...and where I live at this very moment, is going to make it close to impossible to achieve my goals.

So yes he would be a factor in my decision to move...but not the soul factor.
 

Silkanie

New member
Then to start my response, I'm sorry for misunderstanding your choice of methods in your move. I don't want to offend, I'd like to help and in trying to help I do my best to be forwards and to the point.

While we get older we might get wiser and be more easily to understand what we want, but with age also comes our arrogance in our achievements as our pride gets stronger. If you're going to take your time moving in nearby and carefully approaching them, I think you're taking the right approach.

As a student in challenging fields nearing the completion of my own degree and looking to consolidate my own LDR I understand your pain and frustration at the distance. What you want is possible, I think it's more likely to be stable if you pursue a stable relationship with his primary as well, but there are others here who don't feel that's so important to the stability.
 

jewels6675

New member
Then to start my response, I'm sorry for misunderstanding your choice of methods in your move. I don't want to offend, I'd like to help and in trying to help I do my best to be forwards and to the point.

You didn't offend me and I do appreciate the advice that you and everyone else has given. This is a new situation I'm finding myself in and I'll take all the advice I can get. I like to think with age has come some wisdom to know not to rush into things, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us....even when we are older. I also feel that I have my priorities in order and am a person who is very goal oriented...and it's important to me to achieve those goals.

Thank you again for all the great advice!!!!
 

CielDuMatin

New member
The terms "primary" and "secondary" in poly mean different things to different people - there have been long discussions on this board about that very subject.

I think that rather than concerning yourself with labelling what it is or what it can be, you instead spend some time thinking about what it is you want. You said in your earlier post wanting to spend "as much time as possible" with him - what does that mean to you?

What trappings of a relationship are important to you? You said that you weren't planning on moving in with him (which is what, by the way, some people think of as what "primary" means, just to give you an idea)... so what would you want or need this relationship to be like?

How much communication have you had with his current partner? My personal way of doing things like this is to get everyone together, whether it's in a room, or on Skype of FaceTime or whatever, and actually get everyone to talk about what their own needs are. See if there is enough common ground there to make it work.
 
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