Multi-partner co-habitation

MonoVCPHG

New member
Redpeper, Polynerdist , her son and I have become family. Full stop. We spend a great deal of time together and consistently work as a team to achieve family goals of various magnitudes. We enjoy our time together as a group as much as our time as individual couples. We have other people sharing in her and her husband's life and everyone seems to be quite healthy and happy. We are out to our families and their acceptance is growing. Above all we respect each other immensely and have a vested and common interest in the health and well being of their son.

Despite being a couple for only 14 months, which doesn't seem that long to some, we are extremely integrated and have spent huge amount of time together as a couple and as a family. I would hazard a guess that our actual time together rivals many who's calendar time is much longer.

So based on our approach to poly and our goals the next logical step seems to be living closer... much closer....cohabiting with me in a suite. Obviously this comes with huge benefits logistically and in the area of emotional family closeness. It also comes with some unknowns. How close is too close for their primary relationship? Is there a "too close". What about me...will I feel less wanted if I am always that close? Will it be as special to visit me in a suite as it is to drive into town to see me?

I'd love to hear other member's thoughts on this. How long would you wait? We've seen several move in situations spoil relationships. Usually they were much quicker and do to extenuating circumstances.

What are you experiences?

Peace and Love
Mono
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
There are technicalities that have to be addressed.

For me the ONLY downside to having us all living together as a family is strictly related to unresolved insecurities.

In every other aspect its positive.

As I've said previously-we've lived together (Maca, GG and I) for 7 years. My sister (ourdream) has been living here for 9 months, after being "out of the house" for the 7 previous years. But she lived with us prior to that as well.

I personally think that the benefits FAR outweigh the problems. But it is important to continue to communicate and MAKE those special moments together.

For me-hanging out in GG's room IS just as special as when he had an apartment. It's still set up just like "him" which is TOTALLY different than the way Maca and I set up things/decorate. It's still very.... secluded?

In my mind-it will be an awesome experience for you guys. The concerns I might suggest people watch for, I don't see as issues in your relationships.
 

booklady78

New member
Ha, ha, I was just thinking about posting regarding this topic. I don't know if I could put a specific time frame on it, just doing the 'poly' thing and communicating openly about expectations and boundaries. I'm assuming you would have your own room/space/suite, whatever makes everyone comfortable.
We are considering having my bf of 7 months move into the basement suite of our duplex and I'm torn if it's too soon. He would have a completely separate suite, but it's still a big step.
I don't know you or Redpepper or Polynerdist, but I've come to respect and admire what I've seen of your lives on the forums. If you're asking for my two cents, I would say you have already a formed a family bond, it makes sense to consider making a home together.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Without any personal experience to back it up, I'm reasonably confident in saying that the time frame varies for every family. Some couples can date for years and still never be ready to live together. With my husband and I, he came to hang out one night and basically never left. I was still living with my mom, and within 4 months we were moving into our own apartment. Things started great and have only gotten better.

So anyone who tries to tell you "that's too soon" is putting their own experiences into your life story, and there's no sense in that. If you all feel that you're ready then you're probably ready. From what I've seen, you all definitely have the compassion, communication, love and respect to work out whatever challenges arise. Beyond that it's basically logistics.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Thanks for the replies everyone :) Each of you have given me something to think about.

I'm not naive enough to think everything will be perfect but the positives are apparently stacked pretty high in our favor. Redpepper just talked to me about looking at things from a strictly logical point, which is not a new concept for me, but does make the path to take regarding this clear. It's the emotional stuff that is creating the "snails pace" so to speak. The unknown is not a thing I enjoy but if I pretend to know what will happen later I'll probably wind up making assumptions and missing out on something bigger.

Thanks again and keep sharing, this thread is about everyone's journey :)
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
The thing is, I have seen rp talk on here about how she thinks living together is not a thing for her, and how everyone needs time away from each other, their own space, and how going to your place allows her to "escape" from the drudgery of home-chores and predictability and what-not.

Then, on the other hand, I have seen her talk about how she wants you all to live together and be one big happy famblee 24/7/365.

So, while this makes absolutely no difference to me and I don't think I can add any new insights to what other people have already said, I feel that as your friend I owe it to you three to point out what I just said above.

What I suggest is for all three of you, and redpepper especially, to read over her posts from the past year or so and try to understand your self(ves) from the perspective of someone outside your dynamic.
 

maca

New member
To give a slightly different point of view.... MINE.. :) of course Im Dazed and Confused :p

I have often wondered if it wouldnt be better for me and good for GG, if GG lived on his own. I have several reasons for wondering this, some of which have nothing to do with LR, myself or Poly.

Logically it makes more sense for him to be living here, but emotionally it has difficult moments , for me. I still struggle with wanting " my time" and I have moments of insecurities when I see them being affectionate.

Thing is having GG live here with us DOES afford me more time with LR. Having him here helps spread the load of bills,kids,house work, ect...

Only thing I will say to those that are thinking of "moving in" to a family setting where there are kids is that there will be attachments made to/by those kids. This is not only a commitment to the adults but also one to the kids.

Of course all situations are different and everyone/ relationship is different. In your case Mono the 3 of you are much more prepared ,IMO, to live as one family co-habitating.




Peace and Love
Maca
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Hey guys,

Well - I have to say that cohabitation in general is risky business. We've had considerable experience in that over the years and this is the conclusion we've come to.

If you think about the "issues" that crop up with just 2 people living together and multiply that exponentially (because that's how it works) you'll understand. It's an adjustment in our daily lives, we have to make some compromises to our "comfort" levels, and those niggling little compromises can lay dormant under the surface and fester until something else comes along and they become a full blow outbreak.

The solution we've found - along with thousands of experienced others - is to only consider it if you can guarantee there is sufficient "personal" space that can be afforded everyone. This means separate bedrooms, living space, baths and even minimal kitchen capabilities.
You will find these models working in many intentional communities where polyamory may or may not play a part. The concerns are the same, only polyamory adds additional complications- or emphasis.

In addition, I think it's important to find ways to as completely separate the bureaucratic elements from any "relationship" element as much as possible. Things like financial agreements, responsibilities, schedules etc. Treat them as much as possible as elements that stand alone, with their own - non-relationship discussions and try to avoid crossing boundaries as much as possible.

It's a tricky social dynamic and the last thing anyone wants is to have day-to-day concerns bleed over into the relationship side.

I'd recommend maybe taking some time to read up and talk with people involved and experienced in the "intentional community" community. There's much wisdom there that would probably be helpful.

GS
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Ok-I need to elaborate now. :)
Go figure huh?

So-one of the conversations I had with RP was about what she "see's" in regards to cohabitation, in her "mind's eye".

It's not what we have here. It's more like what I WISH we had.

In her mind's eye (As I understand it) she was describing a house-that here where we live would be more like a 4-plex apartment building.
Where Mono had an apartment, she had an apartment and polynerdist would have his own apartment (kind of like a dorm maybe?). There would be a communal kitchen/living area as well. I sort of picture it like an octogon (obviously that would leave room for others) that has straight lines drawn through the center from corner to corner. Each block of space would be an apartment for someone, and the middle section would be the communal living area.

THIS set up WOULD allow for each person to have their OWN PERSONAL home/space and allow for her to be able to go be in Mono's to "escape" as well as allowing for the group to be in closer proximity-simultaneously. It allows for the combining of expenses to some degree, while not taking away anonymity. In fact it would be GIVING her anonymity that she lacks in regards to her "home" as things are currently laid out.

For me-THAT would be FUCKING AWESOME.
I actually picture MY DREAM as being more of a commune property. Owning 20-40 acres. GG having a house on it, my sister having a house on it, Maca and I having a house on it, Maca having his own and me having my own "suite" (bdrm, bthrm, sitting rm) in that house that we share with the kids. The kids having "free range" in all the homes. Close friends like Blaidwynn and his wife and gf in a home(s) nearby, my oldest (already grown) child having a home on the property....

For the same reason-I feel that I lack a "space of my own" and I miss being able to "escape" to GG's apt. I LOVE escaping to his room still, but there is little/no privacy as things are at the moment.

But also-having my own suite would allow for me to invite GG and Maca to come to my space and sleep on either side of me at times, but not "invade" either of their "personal spaces".... something I never get that would mean the world to me.

Ok-that became a big long daydream.... ;)
 

saudade

New member
Cohousing, and thoughts for Mono

@Mono: Cheers! It sounds like you've all been giving moving in together a lot of thought, and from what little I've read here you seem ready to me.

The best advice I can give (been living with my two primary partners for... almost a year now, whoa!) is to clear up all the business stuff (money, obviously, and chores and so on) to the greatest extent possible beforehand, and then talk regularly to update those decisions as needed. Of course you'll spend a lot of (likely more) time talking about those things once you're living together, but doing business together can be great too... I can't even say how much fun I have shopping for groceries with Z. :D

With regards to communes and the like, a concept I really found valuable in thinking about this is "cohousing"-- people have minimal apartments and share a common house that's fully decked out (most have a common room, a hardcore kitchen, laundry facilities, and a mail room... some have crazy things like guest quarters and playrooms and darkrooms). It's super cool, and I have ambitions of starting one with my extended poly family (which just got bigger officially this weekend-- my girlfriend just got a boyfriend! Squee!:D)

The Cohousing Handbook by Chris and Kelly Scotthanson (I have the revised edition) is an awesome resource on the topic; it's about actually starting a cohousing project, from getting people to getting land to getting moved in.

Cheers!
 

Catichka

New member
This comes up with us quite a bit, as we have a rather fluctuating and growing household. I live with my husband and my second life parter and another friend of ours. My husbands gf lives overseas but when she comes to australia, she lives with us. My husband and my partner and i have been living together for 3 years and have been together for around 7ish.

The most important thing for us has already been mentioned: space. a little place in the house you can call your own where you can get away to when you need to. Privacy is important, i want to be able to have quiet down time with each of them as well.

other then that, its all about time management =) and sharing household duties appropriatly >< all the boring household stuff that, if not tended to is one of the greatest sorces of household tension i have ever known, heh.
 

Macbeth

New member
I've been working on this one myself for the past week and a half or so. My GF has been staying with us while her and her BF work some stuff out, and may be moving in with us on a semi-permanent basis if everyone decides it's the best move.

So far, it's been great. We're not out to our daughter yet, but she loves having her around. Lady Macbeth is excited about it, for the very least because she gets to spend more time with HER BF without feeling like she's abandoning me. I could easily see this being a permanent situation, with proper scheduling, &c.

Add in the concept that my GF and I have been talking about the concept of her having a baby (with me), and the playing house thing has been useful and enlightening.

We've only been together since October. So . . . 14 months doesn't seem super too-soon to me. ;)
 

Honestheart

New member
MonoVCPHG,
you have what i longed for in my recently ended poly relationship.
a blended family, integration.
I lived with my ex and his SO for about 6 mths before moving out. originally i was a friend who had moved in to get over her divorce and find a place of her own. i eventually fell in love with the male in the home after finding out the couple were poly.
we continued the relationship after i moved out. her telling me she wanted integration eventually with her other SO, him saying the same about his other SO. a happy poly family was the goal.
altho i knew it was YEARS away i always was told, and we regularly discussed, that we all had the goal of integration as a thing to hold onto... i could handle the fact they were "in the closet" about being poly and basically hiding my relationship, i could handle no over nights with my boyfriend, and i could handle the extremely slow pace of the relationship because it was based on her feelings and what she was ready to handle because... i knew eventually if this relationship went long term we'd have the option of something more. i'm not saying i banked on it, it was just an option, a hope that i could hold onto and it made all the other things meaningless because eventually if this lasted that long, we' d have a life. it just would take longer then most other relationships LOL it was an option, and that option is what any relationship offers...the chance for a family.
options are always taken for granted.
if i had know she would change her mind i never would have gotten involved.
2 yrs into the relationship, i find out she no longer wants an integrated blended family...
i was devastated. that, along with many other problems throughout the relationship caused me to leave him.
i need the option...
let me make it clear, she was not the reason i left him..it was just the straw that broke the camels back
so may i taker a moment to say that it is beautiful to read that it can work out. integration that is.
i seriously pray for those of you here who have blended families that you would continue to bond, to face the challenges of this type of family can have with open hearts and a strong spirit , and i wish you all the best in you happy lives together... i mean, just socially speaking there are so many challenges!
i wish i could have had the same... I'm happy for those of you who have found love and family in poly....
kudos to you for making it work!
 
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CielDuMatin

New member
Mono (and RP and polynerdist), if this feels right - if it's something that all three of you are comfortable trying, then why not?

You three have a very open communication process, so I am sure that you will take some time to work out some of the practical basics and "what will change".

The other thought is that if it doesn't feel right once you have tried it, what is to stop you going back to how it is today, if that works out better?

If you make it a low risk proposition then people can relax a lot more and see what works and what doesn't rather than making it a Big Step that people need ot be on edge about.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
..................
With regards to communes and the like, a concept I really found valuable in thinking about this is "cohousing"-- people have minimal apartments and share a common house that's fully decked out (most have a common room, a hardcore kitchen, laundry facilities, and a mail room... some have crazy things like guest quarters and playrooms and darkrooms). It's super cool, and I have ambitions of starting one with my extended poly family (which just got bigger officially this weekend-- my girlfriend just got a boyfriend! Squee!:D)

Thanks Saudade for correcting my terminology.

Cohousing is becoming a huge think - especially in Europe. Given the state of the world - energy, food, climate etc - there's a very good chance that it may be the best (or only) way to live in the future.
And what better opportunity could there be for a group where love is already a component !

GS
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Only thing I will say to those that are thinking of "moving in" to a family setting where there are kids is that there will be attachments made to/by those kids. This is not only a commitment to the adults but also one to the kids.


Maca

This is always at the forefront for all three of us. Bonds are already formed between her son and I. I am confident that that bond would be repected and nurtured regardless of what happens amongst the adults in his life. This is a concern still however.

The solution we've found - along with thousands of experienced others - is to only consider it if you can guarantee there is sufficient "personal" space that can be afforded everyone. This means separate bedrooms, living space, baths and even minimal kitchen capabilities.
You will find these models working in many intentional communities where polyamory may or may not play a part. The concerns are the same, only polyamory adds additional complications- or emphasis.


GS

Personal space for each of us as individuals as well as couples is very important. The idea is that a house will have enough separate room for all of us and I will actually live in a suite as a tenant. All of us enjoy our quiet space and at least I could babysit their son so they can have private time and still be close enough that they are completely at ease.

But also-having my own suite would allow for me to invite GG and Maca to come to my space and sleep on either side of me at times, but not "invade" either of their "personal spaces".... something I never get that would mean the world to me.

Ok-that became a big long daydream.... ;)

Wow..I never thought of this..Cool concept! But who washes the sheets ;)

The best advice I can give (been living with my two primary partners for... almost a year now, whoa!) is to clear up all the business stuff (money, obviously, and chores and so on) to the greatest extent possible beforehand, and then talk regularly to update those decisions as needed. O

Cheers!

The dynamic we have has already started showing trends. Polynerdist excels in finances, Redpepper is a kick ass family organizer and event scheduler and I am most satisfied with a household project to do. We don't seem to overlap except in the area of wanting a clean environment so our contributions are complementary as opposed to repetitive...I hadn't thought about this before..nice:)

My husband and my partner and i have been living together for 3 years and have been together for around 7ish.

.

:D

Add in the concept that my GF and I have been talking about the concept of her having a baby (with me), and the playing house thing has been useful and enlightening.

Now this would be a step and a half! I'm fixed so Redpepper is safe from me in that area LOL!

so may i taker a moment to say that it is beautiful to read that it can work out. integration that is.
i seriously pray for those of you here who have blended families that you would continue to bond, to face the challenges of this type of family can have with open hearts and a strong spirit , and i wish you all the best in you happy lives together... i mean, just socially speaking there are so many challenges!

We're not there yet but it does seem likely. We'll keep you updated for sure.
Sorry for the turn of events in your relationship. ..will you try again?

The other thought is that if it doesn't feel right once you have tried it, what is to stop you going back to how it is today, if that works out better?

.

I guess this depends on why it didn't work. For the most part the "why" in our case probably wouldn't have anything to do with where I am living....good point my friend.
 

Honestheart

New member
Hi MOno,
sorry i jumped to conclusions LOL
well I don't know if i will try again to be honest.
we'll see what life has in store for me. I am not closing the door on poly but i am closing the door on this last relationship. right now, i'm in a kind of self discovery phase (again) after my last relationship ended.

but, let me ammend what i said then to say that it is still refreshing and beautiful to read that there are others who are trying to have a blended family/cohabitation. that there are some who have failed, some who have succeeded, and some who are up to the challenges is encouraging!
good luck! i'm sure you'll do just fine Mono (and everybody else who's tried :)

has anybody ever had an experience of one party involved changing their minds about cohabitation?
 
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redpepper

New member
Wow, so many responses.

honestheart, there have been some people that have come on here where they started out thinking that co-habituating was the best idea and they were gung ho about it and then when it came down to it and they moved in with each other too fast it fell apart. We have seen at least three groupings that this has happened to on here. unfortunately people don't generally want to come back and tell us that it didn't work out so we don't get to hear about it on here, but privately we have and there seems to be a trend of getting all NRE about it all and moving in together and then the NRE ending and it not working out.

In that, there have been those that move across country to be with people they don't know in real life, sometimes with their kids too or people who don't have anywhere else to go and think that the best solution is to move in with each other.... also failed and everyone ended up broken hearted.

Okay, so, just so you know? that doesn't always happen. We have on-line friends that used to write on here a lot and stopped when they moved in together... one of them moved from one continent to another. It didn't work out and they stayed in the same house but had different lives. It took the one that had moved there, getting her life together with a job and social life for them to re-kindle their romances. Now they are trying again.... you just never know.

I have always thought that there is no need to live together in terms of loving support and togetherness. Nerdist and I were never keen on it, but we wanted to raise a child and thought it was best for him. besides, it is cheaper in the end... at least here it is.

We have thought about all this for at least a year, or at least I have. I have always thought that it would best work if Mono had his own apartment and live in it in our house. At least as a start. I love going to my OH (other home) and would not want to give that up for the world. I am treated like a princess at Mono's house. I have no child there, can sleep in, have food made for me, not have to do laundry, or house work. I leave the place a mess every time I leave and although I apologize, Mono has never complained. I still want to be able to have that space with him where we are just the two of us.... cuddle him without someone walking in, have sex in his kitchen, living room, bathroom, without someone walking in..... nope, not wanting to give all that up at all.

My whole thing has been that I feel like my child is too far away from me. I am usually okay with it, but there have been times when he has woken in the night and wanted me, or been sick and Nerdist has had to get up with him over and over again, or one time I was really heart broken, because my boy had to go to a drop-in clinic due to being sick and I didn't even know that nerdist had taken him, because he didn't want to call and wake me up. I was so not okay with that and the fact that I was not there. It makes me teary just thinking about it.... not good mothering in my eye. I need to be closer and be more available. Hear sounds in the house, or the car starting... they are my family as much as Mono is now, they need to be together in my mind.

As well as that, there have been times that I have talked to Mono on the phone and known he needs me too and I can't go. This also pains me and I need this to stop now. I have been pulled back and forth for over a year now and need to bring it all together. I have waited patiently for everyone to be ready...

On top of that I felt like I lost my space in our bedroom when my boy was born. I slept most of the time with him in the bed in his room because I breast fed and when I went back to mine and Nerdists bed it didn't feel like my space anymore. It hasn't since really. I would like to have my own room at the very least. If not a whole suite. It turns out there is not a lot to go on..... 4 bedroom houses with one of the bedrooms as an apartment are where we are at at this point. So it looks like that is what we will get.

I will hold on to my dream though still LR ;)

Mono is afraid that if he commits to this and "we" don't work out that he won't be able to bear watching me leave on dates with other men. He has committed hook line and sinker to our family for the long haul regardless of whether or not we stay together. If he lived in the house still he would see things he is scared to see and be involved on a level that makes him uncomfortable to even think about.... I have told him that I will always love him regardless, it's just how I work, and he knows that, but it is still difficult to think that he may one day have to give our relationship up if I fall in love with another man.... that would be the breaking point for him. He just couldn't cope with that at all.... I can't see why he would want to stay in the house at that point, if his feelings became too much, but he thinks he would want to... I also don't understand why my falling in love with another man (hypothetically) would make him want to leave, but then I am poly and he isn't.... at least that is what he says about it.

Anyway, thanks for all the thought. This has really helped Mono! He needed some support and other thoughts about it all, so I appreciate all that you have all said.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
This has really helped Mono! He needed some support and other thoughts about it all, so I appreciate all that you have all said.

The advice given has been great...very convincing :) Nice post Lilo!
I feel much more grounded and excited as opposed to reluctant and fearful. I think th e biggest factor has been the fear of losing another family. I've lost one and don't want to repeat that experience.

Eyes wide open and looking to the future :)
 
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