My boyfriend's best friend

Iferlyf

New member
So I'm really into one of my my boyfriend's best friends. And it turns out he's interested too (he kissed me yesterday)! But, my boyfriend and I are new to poly, and we're already slightly out of his comfort zone. I've talked about that kiss to him and he's worried that things might get really awkward. Also I don't know if his friends wants sex or a relationship (I would be fine with either). So I was wondering how risky it could be and if it was worth it. I know you guys can't tell me that without knowing them, the situation, etc. but if you could give me tips on how to figure it out that'd be nice.
 

Iferlyf

New member
I'm 20, my boyfriend is 27 and the friend is 24. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, one year as an open couple and about six months as poly. He is also my first partner, sexually and romantically. Things have been great all this time, with lots of communication, oppenness, etc. My boyfriend has known the friend long before we met, and they offer each other moral support, so they seem to communicate just fine as well. My boyfriend is very emotionally mature (he's actually the one who thaught me how to understand my feelings and talk about them). The friend is a really nice guy, but he's been in the romantic/sexual scene for only a couple of months.
 

Nox

New member
I would be more comfortable with my partner dating a close friend as that allows more time for us to do things as a group. However, that's all theoretical.

It has been very comfortable for Kay, Txgirl, and I to do things together and I'm sure that Kay counts Txgirl as one of her closest friends.

I think this is all very dependent on how competitive your men are for your affection and/or yours for theirs. Even without jealousy, hurt can take place when someone gets to hold your hand and the other doesn't, or you go to your favorite bar with one and not the other.
 

Iferlyf

New member
I already knew that it wouldn't always be sunshine and rainbows, but right now I'm just trying to figure out how bad it could get and how likely it would be to go bad. The friend is somewhat territorial (though only towards one person, it seems, and it's not my boyfriend), but I have no idea if he's like this in relationships, and if he would be in this context (my current boyfriend will remain my priority, though of course his needs and feelings would matter, and all this would be mare clear to him)... And I still don't know what he wants exactly. It might even not go further than that one kiss, because he told me he might regret it before doing it... My boyfriend has never been jealous so far (and I don't think he would hide it from me if he was)

We don't really have any rules, so we wouldn't restrict some places and activities to one person and not the other, except that I can't bring other men in our bed because he doesn't want hair or sperm in it and there are good chances that I might forget to put the sheets in the washing machine afterwards XD. But it's okay because we have a guest room with a large bed

If things go bad, it might damage the friendship the two have for each other, and my boyfriend feels more comfortable when I go after people he isn't close to because of that. Also the friend is new to relationships and it all has been really intense and hard to manage for him so there are more chances that it might blow up
 
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FallenAngelina

Well-known member
.. right now I'm just trying to figure out how bad it could get and how likely it would be to go bad.
...the friend is new to relationships and it all has been really intense and hard to manage for him so there are more chances that it might blow up

You are also new to relationships.

This is the time in life when you are supposed to be exploring, trying people on, trying ideas on, enjoying various experiences and all that good stuff. Especially since you began with your BF when you were a teenager, your primary objective in life isn't to keep things the same, but to slowly, through experience, discover who you are and what you prefer, so avoiding a "blow up," although perhaps unpleasant and bumpy, might not be the best primary objective in all of this. Rather, consider focusing on gaining, and even enjoying, the experience. You seem pretty concerned with pre-empting whatever can go wrong and from my perspective, nothing can really "go wrong" here. You're going to get some advice here and there, but ultimately you're going to be just yourself, living and loving and learning - and that's a beautiful thing for a woman who is in her first relationship of a very likely looooong and eventful life. Don't be so worried about "ruining things." You're supposed to be exploring and things are supposed to be changing for you. My answer to your question about whether this is worth it is YES. No matter what happens, you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself and that is always, always, always worth it.
 
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Iferlyf

New member
That makes sense :) It's not that I'm scared of having experiences to figure out who I am (I wouldn't be poly otherwise) but I'm the type who wants to know what I'm getting into as much as possible (though I know I can't know everything in advance) and try to learn from other's experiences if I can (I'm aware that things can go differently for everyone and that experience is the best teacher, but tuition can be high).

But yeah, I already know what I want, I'm just the cautious type. I guess I'll have to wait and see how he feels about it and go from there. I think the best is to go slow though haha.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Iferlyf,

In general, my advice to you is to go slow, don't rush into a relationship with your boyfriend's best friend. If you move forward a little at a time, you will have time to figure out how things are going, and whether you should go further. Plus this will give your boyfriend (and his best friend) time to acclimate. In the meantime, keep reading and posting on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
In general I recommend staying away from such situations. They can get very awkward, especially if the other guy is more mono than not.
 

Kitkatharsis

New member
Hi there,

So I mostly agree with FallenAngelina in that you're very young and should be experiencing life.
However your question was how risky it could be and whether it's worth it. I mean the risk here to you is that you could lose both of them, the risk to them is that it could cause their friendship to end or be irreparably damaged. Is it worth it? Well if everyone is able to be on board and in full communication and can get to a place of acceptance and comfort (big ifs) then tell it's totally worth it.

When I was in my early 20s my first dive into poly ended brutally when my then fiance of 4 years and our mutual GF of a year both left me for each other. That heartbreak nearly killed me, but I got through and it ended up shaping who I am now and how I practiced poly in the future. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Was it ugly and messy? Also hell yes.
 

fuchka

Active member
he's worried that things might get really awkward

If things go bad, it might damage the friendship the two have for each other

I'm gonna throw in my experience here as a cautionary tale for you on this one. I had a relationship of 4 years be crushed, twisted and killed off over another 1 1/2 years because we failed to manage this scenario properly. My partner Grotto and I had not discussed clear boundaries around me hooking up with or dating his friends. Grotto had, though, like your boyfriend, voiced to me fears that things could get messy between him and his friends if I had an intimate relationship with one of his friends. We agreed to discuss this more at some point, but never got around to it.

Some time later, I had unplanned sex with one of his friends, Lobe. I had not discussed it with Grotto beforehand. The immediate fallout was bad. Without going into too many details, though, this eventually became a negotiated okay by Grotto (for me to date Lobe). There was a lot of messed up emotions we were regularly wading through, though. I think a major factor was Grotto and me not unpacking Grotto's boundaries around this, properly, in advance. In retrospect, Grotto regretted saying yes to this. It got very very ugly. I would have said Grotto and I had a healthy relationship and good communication skills - before this. We had been through many challenges, but this broke us.

Ultimately Grotto and I broke up. 3 years later it's still sad and raw. Grotto and Lobe don't talk anymore (they had been close friends for decades) and the fallout broke their friendship group. Grotto is still suffering from this as he has not been able to find a healthy way through the pain. I know my contribution is just one part of the story, but from a certain angle, my decisions and carelessness caused incredible ongoing pain to someone I love and care for (Grotto), and toppled more than one 'lifelong' friendship.

I wish I had talked more with Grotto about his concerns regarding me dating his friends. I wish we had explored the possibility that he had a hard boundary around this. I wish we had not relied upon our laissez-faire and good faith attitudes towards doing poly. Sometimes, meaning well is not enough. Sometimes you can fuck up bad and hurt people deeply without intending to.

I value friendships highly and I risked the great friendship between Grotto and Lobe, as well as other relationships in their friends group, on top of risking my individual relationships with both Grotto and Lobe.

So, I agree with Kitkatharsis that the worst that could happen is their friendship and your own romantic connections ending. I just wanted to add my own visceral spin to it.

If I had a do-over, I'd do it differently.
 

Mya

Member
My situation was a little different, and I played a different role in the scenario, but I also have a bad experience with the kind of situation where there's one person who has developed a deep relationship to two people (your boyfriend) and then those two people become really close. My two partners at the time ended up being really close to each other to the point that they developed romantic feelings for each other. Nothing physical ever happened due to one of them not wanting that, but if it had been up to the other one, things surely would have escalated to that point. This was incredibly difficult for me to deal with and the situation caused a lot of heartache for all of us. Me and one of my partners (the one that wanted the physical side as well) broke up later and even though this situation wasn't the only reason, it did cause many things to go downhill. Me and the other partner broke up a year later as well, but that wasn't related to this situation as much. I think one of the reasons why I behaved badly in that situation was that I didn't feel like I was allowed to feel negatively about it. We were all poly after all, and I was dating both of them, so why shouldn't they date each other, it's only fair, right? But it was eating me up inside so much. Instead of just straight up leaving the situation, I stayed and tried to work through it and let them develop their relationship how they wanted. In hindsight, I was struggling with it so much that I should have just left then. That would have saved all of us a lot of pain later.

What I'm trying to say is that if you do go ahead with it, make sure that all sorts of feelings from all parties are allowed and expressed. They will most likely come up, from at least one of you. Identifying as polyamorous doesn't mean that you should follow every attraction, it's always a good idea to see the whole context and risks involved, which you are doing by starting this thread, so that's a good sign. But also, life is risky and you shouldn't be too afraid of everything! This can be done, as long as there are regular check-ins with everyone and honesty and good communication all around.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
When I was in my early 20s my first dive into poly ended brutally when my then fiance of 4 years and our mutual GF of a year both left me for each other. That heartbreak nearly killed me, but I got through and it ended up shaping who I am now and how I practiced poly in the future. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Was it ugly and messy? Also hell yes.

This is a beautiful illustration of my point: You learned from this experience that heartbreak will not kill you. None of us really knows that until we go through it entirely. Living life to avoid all heartbreak, messes and what we perceive to be "damage" at the time is a life not fully lived. This experience, although painful at the time, turned out to be instrumental in your ability to shape a life that is meaningful and fulfilling. I actually agree with Vinsanity that getting involved with friends of a BF is dicey in any flavor relationship, but when you're in your 20s, nothing is lost by trampling through this jungle because it all turns into fruitful experience for later in life. One thing I've come to learn from all of my missteps is that Love is always worth it. There is always something there that is of enormous value for us. Always.



Oh, boy - but in general, for all of us, this should be written in bold at the top of every poly page on the internet:
Identifying as polyamorous doesn't mean that you should follow every attraction...
 
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Iferlyf

New member
So it seems that he doesn't regret it one bit :). Yesterday he came over, we made out (only cuddles and kisses for now, we're taking it slow) an watched YouTube. He was still here when boyfriend came back from work, and things were pretty much like before (he comes here very often already when he's tired of his roomate, so him being there was nothing out of the ordinary) no awkwardness at all. We didn't do anything in front of Boyfriend, wich turned out to be a good thing because he told me later that, while I can tell him about it (without details) and he will be happy for me, he doesn't want to see it or trace of it.

I'm not necessarily afraid of heartbreak (I wouldn't have considered polyamory or getting involved with friend if I was), but I like to know what I'm getting into as much as possible and how to navigate through that.

From what I got, it can get painful pretty easily if I'm not careful, but reading this thread allowed me to see some mistakes that I can avoid. I'm going to make sure that the two of them know full well what they're getting into and how much work it would be to make this go well. I will tell them that it's important that they communicate how they feel about the situation, no matter how little sense these feelings make, and that this communication should be done without judgement and that we're going to dig to find out the reason behind these feelings, sometimes.

I think I already made my choice, so it's all up to them to decide.
 
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fuchka

Active member
Sounds promising so far! Hope it all goes well for you. This quote is often good advice: "Take it easy, but take it"
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I'm going to make sure that the two of them know full well what they're getting into and how much work it would be to make this go well. I will tell them that it's important that they communicate how they feel about the situation, no matter how little sense these feelings make, and that this communication should be done without judgement and that we're going to dig to find out the reason behind these feelings, sometimes.

Just know that pretty much everyone says all of this at the start and they are good intentions to have. But having it spelled out and actually doing it are very different because feelings are, well, feelings. Especially when people are young and new to relationships, things rarely go as planned just because we all agree that we're going to communicate. Good communication is something that takes experience and usually having done a poor job of it initially. Most of us crash and burn when we're young, in one way or another, and that is the opposite of failing. Just letting you know that "messing up" would be absolutely normal and even desired for you all.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
In real life, most relationships simply don't catch fire.

This is even more common in nonmonogamy, where people don't see so much need to latch onto whatever they can get & cling to it like grim Death. If it's not great for everyone involved, then why stretch it out?

It probably won't be a "barn burner" relationship with Best Friend. Let's assume that the both of you withdraw maturely & don't get weird, & can return to a casual-friendly interaction.

But how is he going to handle it when you start dating someone else?
 

Iferlyf

New member
But how is he going to handle it when you start dating someone else?

Wich "he" are you talking about?

I'm pretty sure that B will be mature about it. F probably will too, but I don't know him as well as B so I can't be sure. I think that if things don't go well, there will just be some awkwardness that will go away over time. I have a good feeling about this, but this might be wishful thinking
 
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Iferlyf

New member
Things are going great so far. They still don't act differently from before, so for now all is good. And it seems that Friend is starting to get feelings for me, because of the way he looks at me sometimes, wich is awesome because I feel the same way too! :D

I feel like the happiest, luckiest girl in the world!
 
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