My evolving poly self


New member
I have documented elsewhere my journey into poly and have been "doing poly" for over 20 years, now.

I the beginning I was fumbling - didn't know what I wanted, didn't know what to do in order to "do it right". I hurt some people that I cared about during that initial period. Then I (and my partner) started getting ourselves sorted out - for those not in the know my partner is monogamous and our relationship transitioned from "mono and stressed" to "mono/poly and working".

Because of my partner's needs for relationships, we really can't manage a live-in partner/oso - essentially this means that I end up with something like two lives and sets of friends. Not my ideal, but it's what we have done to make it work, and when it works, it makes us very happy.

I hate the term "secondary" because of all the connotations it carries - when I love I fall completely, and my commitment is no less because I do not live with another person and share finances with them. My preferred means of communication with my oso's is at least daily and I really dislike long-distance things where you only get to see people once in a while - I am a very physical person and physical presence is very important to me.

My last two relationships with oso's, which span over 10 years (one lasting just under 4 years, the other 6), both essentially ended the same way (except that the more recent one was far more open, up-front, respectful and lacking in deceit, for which I am eternally grateful) - essentially they both said that they needed someone to live with and that, while I was in their lives, no guy would even consider them.

The first oso ended up in a primary relationship with a guy that looked like me, had the same sense of humour and was even English! The only difference was that he was available as a live-in. My more recent relationship (as far as I know) is still single. (This was probably because my first oso found someone before ending it with me and the more recent one respected me enough to be open about things and try to work on things)

Since the last relationship ended, just under a year ago, I have taken some time to lick my wounds, and grieve the loss of a very good thing for me, and now am trying to work out what I have learned about myself.

So, where am I at today? Am I still poly? Absolutely! I can't see that ever changing. What sort of relationship would I want in the future, should the right person come into my life? That is the main purpose of this blog post....

I love the idea of someone who really doesn't want a primary relationship in her life. But I think that they are truly rare, or more transient in nature ("I don't want a primary in my life right NOW" type of thing). I think that more common, although I haven't actually met any yet, would be the mirror image of us - a couple where the female is looking for a secondary and we become "mutual secondaries", if you like. Adding another person into the mix makes things more complicated, of course, but if it is what it takes to make things work, then I would be all for it.

The question, of course, is whether there is anyone out there within a reasonable radius of where I live and, if they are there, how on earth do I find them?

I can be patient - I go with quality over quantity in many aspects of my life, and relationships is definitely a part of that.

Thanks for reading! I welcome comments.


New member
Frankly, exhausted

It's been a while since my last post. The amount of reaction I received from it is mirrored by the amount of success I have had in terms of finding someone. I have tried the online dating, I have reached out to my local poly folks... if there is someone out there with whom I could be compatible in a relationship, I haven't been able to find them. I have essentially given up putting much energy into it...

The fact that I still miss the relationship that I had is still a bother to me - I would have thought that I would have been over it by now, but I guess not.

At some point I should get back into the local poly groups, but the only active one that I have heard of is connected with folks into kink and, frankly, I'm not... not in any way that they could relate to, anyway. One of them told me they would let me know when there was some sort of get-together, but I have heard nothing for several months... and I'm really not sure if I want the extra "stuff" that goes along with the kink side of things. Not saying that it's bad or anything, just not for me.

So I am doing my best to be patient, to keep improving my one relationship, and to enjoy life to the fullest that I am able to. I focus on the great things that I do have going on, and enjoy them. But my dreams betray me, sometimes and bring it all crashing back. It usually takes me a day or two to completely recover from one of those.

I have thought about therapy, when things have been bad, but, based on my previous experiences, I'm not sure how it will help. I know exactly what is going on with me and I am coping pretty well. I don't need "fixing", and I don't feel the need to "explore my feelings" or anything like that.

While I would really enjoy having someone new to share parts of my life with, I know deep in my heart that it has to be the right person, and that I have to be patient, otherwise I am just going to end up with drama and dissatisfaction.

I still feel that the ideal for me would be a happily partnered couple, rather than a single person, because that has the best odds to be able to match what I can give to a relationship, although I wouldn't rule out the right single person.

And life goes on. :)

Thanks for reading.