My first day on Polyamory

Polynational

New member
Good evening. I'm Pavel, mid-fifties, black, what you might call a bear of a man. I'm very much in love with my partner, but I am looking for something else. He's a great guy and all that. But...okay, we have and an open relationship for a decade now, and he has taken advantage of having other partners for all of that time. I haven't besides trying to share his lovers. Disasters mostly because he refused to define things and instead depended on sex to be the glue. He has said that he wanted to form a kind of family dynamic which would include me, but the young men he choose were not men I was attracted to sexually or emotionally. But recently he has started a relationship with a guy that I think is quite nice, who I like and who likes me. But I find that my partner is not really capable of having a triad, that he means to have me involved in the sex, but not really in the relationship. Which, now that I understand it a little better, I'm not into. Now I find myself in this weird position, one where I want to keep my primary relationship, but have a relationship with another person (or couple). I'm sure there is a way to describe this dynamic with a few select initials, but I don't know how. But I'm feeling a bit less odd having read a few of the postings here. Really appreciate everyone sharing their situations here. It helps in a way.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Welcome to the board.

What you are currently considering is the common way to go in polyamory. I know gay men (especially younger men) often tend to have open relationships where couples agree it's fine to have sex with whomever they want. Forming a long-lasting triad where there is more or less equal love and desire between all 3 people is rare, however, for any gender, gay, bi or straight.

It's much easier for a poly couple to date independently. He's got his other friends with benefits, lovers or bfs, and you find your own OSOs or play partners. If you're fine with one of your newer bfs meeting your primary, and your newer bf is fine with it (and your partner is too), then you have what is called kitchen table polyamory. You all can hang out, have dinner, watch TV or go out, as a friend group, but the sex is not shared across the board.

Of course, there's a chance you don't like his lovers, or they don't like you much, or your partner doesn't care to hang out with your other lovers. This will vary according to your personalities matching up. People can be basic polite if their paths cross, but there is no pressure to be friends. This is called parallel poly.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Pavel,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are practicing something called ethical nonmonogamy, or ENM for short. You don't have to conform to a certain configuration, you can do whatever works best for you. It sounds like your partner is somewhat into casual sex, while also having relationships that you are discluded from. You have to decide whether that situation is something you can live with. I'm glad Polyamory.com has helped you so far, I hope we can help you some more, let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Polynational

New member
Welcome to the board.

What you are currently considering is the common way to go in polyamory. I know gay men (especially younger men) often tend to have open relationships where couples agree it's fine to have sex with whomever they want. Forming a long-lasting triad where there is more or less equal love and desire between all 3 people is rare, however, for any gender, gay, bi or straight.

It's much easier for a poly couple to date independently. He's got his other friends with benefits, lovers or bfs, and you find your own OSOs or play partners. If you're fine with one of your newer bfs meeting your primary, and your newer bf is fine with it (and your partner is too), then you have what is called kitchen table polyamory. You all can hang out, have dinner, watch TV or go out, as a friend group, but the sex is not shared across the board.

Of course, there's a chance you don't like his lovers, or they don't like you much, or your partner doesn't care to hang out with your other lovers. This will vary according to your personalities matching up. People can be basic polite if their paths cross, but there is no pressure to be friends. This is called parallel poly.
Hi Magdlyn

Thanks much for responding to me. It was really great to get some feedback. It's already clear to me that I may be biting off more than I can chew from the get go. Based on what you wrote, I have more thinking to do. I mean, I thought that a relationship with three people would be some magical thing. Like in the movies. We three would take each others hands, look into each others eyes, begin to glow, levitate off the floor and become one in a blinding flash of enlightened oneness. Okay, so it's a sci-fi movie.

I think that is how I thought it must be for the few thrupples I have know. It had to be. How else could something as fragile, sharp and heavy as a relationship be managed between three. I thought that they must have transcended mere pedestrian feelings and entered into a kind of emotional utopia, filled with listening, negotiating and compromise. And unicorns. I've heard something about unicorns.

You say that's rare. Well, you said that love and desire shared equally by three people is rare. That makes sense. It's disappointing, I was looking forward to the glowing floating (I had an outfit picked out, a fedora and a sarong), but I knew it was a bit of a pipe dream. I have to assume that this is common mistake. The expectation that a triad relationship is easier after you do the hard stuff that brings you together. I thought that, if you were going to be in that kind of complicated situation, you would have to have advanced emotional skills. I keep forgetting that people come together for all kinds of reasons...especially cumming together.

We are definitely the "kitchen table" types so far. I'm happy there is a term for it. I thought we were doing it wrong. But I guess there isn't really a wrong or right. Maybe there is just what works and what doesn't. And levitating all the time is impractical.

What's "OSOs"?

Thanks for the welcome.

P.
 

Polynational

New member
Greetings Pavel,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are practicing something called ethical nonmonogamy, or ENM for short. You don't have to conform to a certain configuration, you can do whatever works best for you. It sounds like your partner is somewhat into casual sex, while also having relationships that you are discluded from. You have to decide whether that situation is something you can live with. I'm glad Polyamory.com has helped you so far, I hope we can help you some more, let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Hi Kevin

Thanks for the welcoming. It's nice to be acknowledged so warmly. "Ethical nonmonogamy" I love these terms. They make thinking about complex interpersonal dynamics a little less cumbersome. And I will have lots and lots of questions. It's a comfort and a blessing to know you are there.

P.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi Magdlyn

Thanks much for responding to me. It was really great to get some feedback. It's already clear to me that I may be biting off more than I can chew from the get go. Based on what you wrote, I have more thinking to do. I mean, I thought that a relationship with three people would be some magical thing. Like in the movies. We three would take each others hands, look into each others eyes, begin to glow, levitate off the floor and become one in a blinding flash of enlightened oneness. Okay, so it's a sci-fi movie.
You are hilarious! ;)
I think that is how I thought it must be for the few thrupples I have know. It had to be. How else could something as fragile, sharp and heavy as a relationship be managed between three. I thought that they must have transcended mere pedestrian feelings and entered into a kind of emotional utopia, filled with listening, negotiating and compromise. And unicorns. I've heard something about unicorns.

You say that's rare. Well, you said that love and desire shared equally by three people is rare. That makes sense. It's disappointing, I was looking forward to the glowing floating (I had an outfit picked out, a fedora and a sarong), but I knew it was a bit of a pipe dream.
You can read about plenty of failed triads here. Often the newest member, who is "added to a relationship" ends up feeling lesser and can even be mistreated, like a chew toy for an established couple to share. Imagine being "a third" who is expected to move in with a couple, into "their" home, with all their furniture, decor, kitchen stuff, pets, etc., etc. You may not even get your own room! You'd feel like a guest. Some "thirds" think they have less rights than the couple too, so go along to get along. It's just a minefield.
I have to assume that this is common mistake. The expectation that a triad relationship is easier after you do the hard stuff that brings you together. I thought that, if you were going to be in that kind of complicated situation, you would have to have advanced emotional skills. I keep forgetting that people come together for all kinds of reasons...especially cumming together.
A triad can happen organically, over time, if one of the partner's lovers really clicks with the other, but this can't be forced. You can't force love or desire. It's either there or it isn't. There can be initial lust, but that lasts only so long, and then long-term compatibility is required. This takes a ton of work, and may never actually come to fruition.
We are definitely the "kitchen table" types so far. I'm happy there is a term for it. I thought we were doing it wrong. But I guess there isn't really a wrong or right. Maybe there is just what works and what doesn't. And levitating all the time is impractical.
Yes, polyamory comes in many forms. The only requirements are good communication skills, sex labs, and use of protection.
What's "OSOs"?
Other significant others.
Thanks for the welcome.

P.
My pleasure.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
OSO = Other Significant Other. When you have two partners, one partner is your SO, and the other partner is your OSO.
 
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