my girlfriend just came out as poly, i'm scared!

[AstronautLoveTriangle]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for almost three and a half years now. We have a beautiful relationship, and we have grown together so much as a couple. I lost my virginity to her at the age of 20, when we first met.

Just last night thought, she came out and told me that there was someone else that she met, and they just clicked, and she told me that she wants to pursue a relationship with him, a sexual one. She just said today she would be into having sex with him if they could have a chance to feel out and explore that.

And it makes me feel crazy on so many levels. For one, I've only ever had sex with her, so when she comes out and says that, now I want to go out and sleep with someone else...but, is that out of spite or.....so confused. I sure am sad too. Sad and confused, and I'm making her sad with my sadness.

Funny thing is, is I want to experiment with polyamorous relationships, but, truth is....I have so much growing up sexually to do...so much exploring to do still...and I just feel a little bit left out when my girlfriend comes to me and says she found someone else to share something special with.

And i'm not one to just go outto the bar and pick up girls...i've never been good at that. I'm scared now that our whole relationship dynamics have changed, and...i dunno what to think.

 

[Ariakas]

Just last night thought, she came out and told me that there was someone else that she met, and they just clicked, and she told me that she wants to pursue a relationship with him, a sexual one. She just said today she would be into having sex with him if they could have a chance to feel out and explore that.

Well hopefully she is willing to work with you at your pace. Or at least one that you can both be comfortable with.

Funny thing is, is I want to experiment with polyamorous relationships, but, truth is....I have so much growing up sexually to do...so much exploring to do still...and I just feel a little bit left out when my girlfriend comes to me and says she found someone else to share something special with.

To be honest, its rare when a couple discovers they are both poly at the same time. All you can do, as the sort of odd man out, is research the crap out of it and understand whats going on

Compersion
NRE
jealousy

Get a good intellectual understanding of how each of these work and how they work for you.

If you want to be poly. Join a poly group and meet people. Local people can help you, the internet is only so good at times

And i'm not one to just go outto the bar and pick up girls...i've never been good at that. I'm scared now that our whole relationship dynamics have changed, and...i dunno what to think.

Honestly, you might have to learn. Build your own social circles, preferably of people who may be like minded.

You should also discuss with her why she wants it. What does she think if you try it. This is a pandoras box of relationship stuff that is going to come to the surface. Search this forum, there is a lot of information.

Oh...and don't try to be poly...if YOU aren't. If you are mono, don't confuse yourself by trying something that may feel inherently wrong for you

Ari

 

[Quath]

It sounds like she is going pretty fast into poly. She should allow you some time to get use to the idea since it was not part of the original relationship make-up.

One worry would be trying to figure out what she is thinking. See if she is really into the poly concept or is using it as an excuse to try out other relationships while keeping you as a backup. I don't know her, so I have no idea where she is in all of this. But see if she is into all the poly stuff like openess, communication and focusing on the love.

I would suggest to go at you own pace sexually. You are not in competition with your girlfriend.

 

[Erato]

Hey there and welcome,

I'm poly and my partner is monogamous and we're working through if we can both be comfortable with me having other partners. He's very important to me and I want to keep him in my life, preferably as my primary partner, so I'm taking it as much at his pace as I possibly can. I've been pushy and inconsiderate lately but we're working on things and I'm pulling my head in.

What the other two posters before me said are all good things to think about. I really more wanted to say that you're not alone.

I have so much growing up sexually to do...so much exploring to do still.

This doesn't have to be with other partners. If there are other parts of your sexuality that you want to try out then maybe talk to her about it. I know it might be hard to trust her right now but you don't necessarily have to have a lot of sexual partners to 'grow up sexually'. I grew a hell of a lot and found out a lot of things about my sexuality I never knew through a single relationship. Admittedly, I have moved on from him now but I still know those things about me and maybe you and your lady can work out yours together. It might help her slow down too if you're opening up to her on a whole new level. That's exciting stuff! I feel so, anyway.

 

[maca]

As a guy whos wife came out and said she was poly. I have to agree with Ari. Take your time, do your homework and above all else learn to be introspective. You have to start by knowing who you are and what you need/want. Research this board there is a ton of great info that all us "old timers" have put up there for people in situations just like your in now.

Just a FYI you dont HAVE to be poly to be with someone that is poly. I wont drop any names but there is a major sucsess story on this board of just that type of relationship. Keep in mind that Polyamory is two parts:

Poly- meaning many
Amory- meaning love

One with out the other is not the same thing.


PM me if I can help you with anything.
\
Peace and Love
Maca

 

[redpepper]

Try and remember that this just happened and that there is a WORLD of things to learn. I find it encouraging that you are already seeing how it might work for you. Good for you. Even if you decide it doesn't, it is at least a start to wrapping your head around what she is asking for. I would be careful to not use that as a way of evening up the score somehow or competing with her though. Women find far more men so you will never win... at least that is what it seems to be like.

Everyone has offered some great advice, you have a lot of work to do and it would be great if your girlfriend agreed to doing some of it with you... at least listen to what you have discovered and read that interests you about your situation and others.

It sounds like you are on top of your feelings so far, sad, confused,... crazy. All right on the money of what others have said when they have been in your position. And oh there have been many. Keep at it, you are young and as you say, have lots to learn... all in good time and as it should come to you. So much to explore... I'm actually gleeful for you Maybe because poly was exactly what I needed at your age and it didn't exist! Oh the cheating I would of avoided... okay, now feeling jealous.