My name is Inigo Montoya, you...

DavidWebb

New member
Ok, so my name is not really Inigo Montoya. If you know how to finish that line though you get bonus points.
I just joined today. My spouse is poly. Not sure what I am. I *feel* mono. But I know that could be because that's all I've known. I am having a hard time with my spouse "all of a sudden" being poly. And a *really* hard time with the physical intimacy piece of it. But my spouse is just freakin' awesome so I'm joining this forum and will begin posting to try and figure out how to make this all work.
-DW
 

solarwindsfly

New member
"You killed my father!, Prepare to die!" Princess Bride One of my most favorite movies! Campy to the best degree :) As for how you feel... take a look around and read some peoples stories and questions. I think some of your questions are in these cyber pages. As for my feelings. I am discovering still and not always "sure" but I do keep an open mind and am really struggling at times and then others the world is "wonderful" So dig deep for how you feel and learn as much as you can. Go at your own pace and do what is right for you :)
 

DavidWebb

New member
Thanks! (and correct on the movie line - a great movie that I think I need another viewing of in the near future)

I wasn't sure how much to post in this Intro vs. New to Poly section. But now I'm thinking I should give the background here so people who read my other posts and think 'Who is this David Webb guy?' can find my back story in one place.

I've been married for 13 years to a wonderful woman.
She is the only person I ever really dated.
She is the only person I have ever loved.
She is the only person I've ever been intimate with.

For the first 12.5 years of our marriage, it was just her and me. We loved spending out time together. We would do just about everything together - not because we had to or were supposed to as husband and wife - but because we truly enjoyed each other's company.

Then last December she fell in love with another man and in January had sex with him. She "discovered" she is poly. I had a hard time dealing with it to say the least and knowing this she shut down the intimacy piece with this guy.

She did an admirable job of reassuring me that her love for me was as strong as ever, that our marriage was as strong as ever. Because of that reassurance from her and me seeing how happy she was when she was able to be with him, I agreed to her resuming the sexual piece of her relationship with him.

At the same time, seeing her so happy, I decided to try this poly thing out. I started doing the dating site thing, didn't have much luck at first but yadda yadda yadda I've been on a handful of dates with another woman. She is nice enough, and in a different set of circumstances I think something could develop between us, but I just don't feel like I can. Five dates and all I've managed to do is put my hand on her leg and even that felt weird and I couldn't wait to have a reason to move it.

Meanwhile, my wife also joined the dating site as well and yadda yadda yadda she now has 2 more secondaries. So the original guy who I would call her boyfriend (BF). And now these 2 others. One of them (OSO1) she emails often, talks on the phone occasionally, and sees him about once a week. The other (OSO2), she emails often, does not talk on the phone with, and sees him about once every two weeks.

There's some more backstory here. I'm torn because it is relevant, but a bit too personal for an online forum imo so I'm going to leave it out for now.

I had been doing *relatively* well with all of this. I'd have good days and bad days, but the good days were starting to outnumber the bad. I saw the benefits for her and the ripple effect back to us. But deep down, I still struggled with it all. That's not unusual, right? I mean, 12.5 years of a simple mono (GOOD!!!) marriage and now in 6 months I'm sharing her with BF, OSO1, and OSO2.

Then something happened last week. Or I should say, a lot of small-to-medium things happened in the last week. And I have really soured on all of this. HARD. I feel as bad today as I did when I first found out about the BF.
I now hate that she sees these other guys.
I now hate that she is physically intimate with these other guys.
I now hate that I originally agreed to all of this.
I could go on, but those are the biggies.

To me, right now, the hardest part is thinking of these other guys with my wife sexually... holding her hand, stroking her hair, kissing her lips, kissing her breasts, touching her, fingering her, being inside her...
(sorry if that got too crude, but I was banking on this being an adult-only site)

To the point where I was laying in bed this morning, awake, trying to fall back asleep, but picturing her with OSO1 that she saw yesterday. When she moved and her leg brushed up against mine, I practically jumped out of the bed. I couldn't even lay next to her.
Just two weeks ago I would have moved with her and snuggled up to her. WHY???

I *despise* this feeling in me. I love her so much. I don't want her to be unhappy. I don't want her to have to be somebody she's not.

I need to end this here as I'm getting a bit choked up and need to start my day anyway. I may try to post more later, but I'm glad I got most of this out now.

Be kind.
-DW
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Awww... poor baby. Jealousy is a bitch.

It's tricky to move from jealousy to compersion. I hope you can do it.

I think it's easier for women to get men than vice versa. She's got 3 now and it's totally understandable you're feeling overwhelmed.
 

vandalin

New member
Welcome to the forums, you've come to a good place.

I'm sure that there must have been some triggers in the last week that you are leaving out as being private, but the only way forward is to figure out what caused the change from acceptance and compersion back to jealousy and aversion. With luck you and your wife have good communication already and are/will be able to discuss this openly. My gut tells me that this may have happened a bit too fast for you, going from one BF to 3... had the two of you discussed what you both wanted out of opening your relationship and the addition of adding more people as she has done?

It is completely possible that you are mono inclined or are just not ready to venture out. You stated here that she has been your "one and only" so there shouldn't really be much surprise that you are hesitent and uncomfortable with "rejoining" the dating scene. Remember, just because she has others, doesn't mean you have to, although I can understand why you thought it might help. My husband isn't sure if he wants/needs to find an "other" if I happen to find one. And that is OK.

But you really do need to start dissecting what triggered the backswing. Taking steps backwards is ok and can be a very useful learning experience. Don't be afraid to talk to her about it. It will be hard, but necessary so she knows where you are and how you are feeling.

Good luck.
 

solarwindsfly

New member
It sounds like you love her very much. I dont hear you discussing your feelings with her. Vandalin has some good suggestions. The biggest thing is communication. If your not ready to date thats totally ok! Just remember to take your time and do what is right for you. :)
 

sage

New member
Hi

I'd say your wife has gone way too fast - three other partners in 6 months when you're so new to the whole idea!!!! It's taken me two years to even accept that my partner is not going to get over it; that I can't make him monogamous by beinthe most awesome partner on the planet; or that I actually want to stay in the relationship if poly is the way it has to be.

Having said that I do understand how women can go a bit crazy after a long period of time in a relationship where they have struggled internally. If she was poly and living a monogamous life with you not suspecting anything was wrong she was probably struggling very hard to cope.

Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings and negotiate a way forward that works for both of you. For polyamory to work you both have to be happy.

It does get easier.

Sage
 

DavidWebb

New member
Just for full disclosure, my wife is on the forum as well. She joined a while back and has encouraged me to join as well. She's one smart lady. In just a week I have found it to be helpful.
Thanks!

oh... yeah.. btw, her screen name is inlovewith2 (or something close to that).

-DW
 
+1 to the "she's moving a bit fast" line of thought; but also +1 to the "repressing the poly thing sucks" bit, lol.

I think you ought to talk about her slowing down a bit with the new guys while you wrap your head aroiund all this, but that's just my two rusty pennies. It's also hypocritical to a degree as I tend to move VERY fast when I meet new interest - but then again, my fiance' is also poly minded ("more" than I am really, her comfort level with it and natural tendancy toward compersion is astounding) and also moves fast, so I have it a little easier, lol. Hell, 6 months into our relationship she sat me down and chewed me out because I hadn't been seeing other women when she'd made it quite clear that she wanted me to, lol.

Anyway - we'll all be here to help as best we can, that;s what this site is here for after all. Women will always find it easier to meet new partners, and it sounds like you'renot even sure you WANT any. But I think it will be interesting to see her reaction if/when you do - not judging, but we;ve seen it many times when the suddenly poly person freaks out worse than the so-called mono one once the door swings both ways. Whatever the events, I wish you the best and hope you'll both be here a long time!
 
Oh - and The Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever. "Inigo Montoya" wasn't an actor, he's a world-class fencer who got the part kind of by accident. The sword fight between he and Thean In Black is almost completely unchoreographed; he told Carey to play like he thought a sword fight should be and he'd make it look good, lol. True story.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Oh - and The Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever. "Inigo Montoya" wasn't an actor, he's a world-class fencer who got the part kind of by accident. The sword fight between he and Thean In Black is almost completely unchoreographed; he told Carey to play like he thought a sword fight should be and he'd make it look good, lol. True story.

This is off topic, but are you saying Mandy Patinkin isnt an actor?

I'd put this in hide tags, but I cant find the code for it.

wiki

Career

After some TV commercial and radio appearances, including the CBS Radio Mystery Theater in 1974, Patinkin had his first success in musical theater,[1] where he played the part of Che in Evita on Broadway in 1979. Patinkin went on to win that year's Tony Award for Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical.[1][2] He then moved to film, playing parts in movies such as Yentl[2] and Ragtime. He returned to Broadway in 1984 to star in the Pulitzer Prize-winning musical Sunday in the Park with George, which saw him earn another Tony Award nomination for Best Actor (Musical).[2]

Patinkin played Inigo Montoya in Rob Reiner's 1987 The Princess Bride[2] (which Patinkin considers his favorite role), in which he delivers the iconic line, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Patinkin found his studies a huge asset in The Princess Bride, playing the role of the best swordsman in the country, short of the main character, and part of his role included proficiency in fencing, at a professional level. Over the next decade he continued to appear in various movies, such as Dick Tracy and Alien Nation. On Broadway, over the next decade, he appeared in the Tony Award-winning musical The Secret Garden for 706 performances...In 1994, he took the role of Dr. Jeffrey Geiger on CBS' Chicago Hope[2] for which he won an Emmy Award...He returned to Broadway in 2000 in the New York Shakespeare Festival's The Wild Party, earning another Tony Award nomination for Best Actor (Musical)...He is starring in the new musical Paradise Found, co-directed by Harold Prince and Susan Stroman, at the Menier Chocolate Factory, London. The musical plays a limited engagement, from May 2010 through June 26.
 
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Your facts are certainly more substantiated than what I had, I never read up on it nor did I know the actor. I do know a couple of medal-level fencers, who knew who he was and told that story often. I stand corrected.
 

inlovewith2

New member
Hi

I'd say your wife has gone way too fast - three other partners in 6 months when you're so new to the whole idea!!!! It's taken me two years to even accept that my partner is not going to get over it; that I can't make him monogamous by beinthe most awesome partner on the planet; or that I actually want to stay in the relationship if poly is the way it has to be.

Having said that I do understand how women can go a bit crazy after a long period of time in a relationship where they have struggled internally. If she was poly and living a monogamous life with you not suspecting anything was wrong she was probably struggling very hard to cope.

Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings and negotiate a way forward that works for both of you. For polyamory to work you both have to be happy.

It does get easier.

Sage


Hi all!

I'm DW's wife. He and I talked and decided that it made the most sense if everyone knew to connect us. Here is my initial intro post to the group: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2595

I am so blessed to be his wife; if you only knew!!!! Ironically, I think one of our biggest challenges has been that we both care so much for each other and are willing to do so much for the other's happiness. How to do this when what makes him happy is in opposition (or seemingly so) to what makes me happy is a major challenge.

We have a lot of healing to do, from my mental health crisis the past year plus, from the infidelity and from the idea that if I want to be with others, it represents some inadequacy on his part (it absolutely doesn't!). I can't imagine how much that hurts him, but I know the fact that he thinks this hurts me immensely. If I could take away his pain, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

You are absolutely right that things have gone too fast Sage, and the other(s) who mentioned it. I am only now reading "Opening Up", darn I wish I had read that months ago! Truth is, I had no idea what I was doing, what to expect, etc. All that I've known to do since I already made that mistake was to focus on our communication and to get his guidance on what he needs. I've been responsive to that and have pulled back as per his request.

It's so odd for me to explain this, but I do think he's the most awesome partner on the planet (knowing full well that many people would disagree ;-)). And it isn't like I struggled internally for a long time (relative to being monogamous that is). My struggle is with anxiety and depression and those have been constantly present in my life and thus our relationship. I believe that it is my past that motivates my desire to be poly, as I know it is certainly NOT my relationship with DW.

I'm going to end now, because the point of this was to connect us and maybe to provide some clarity. I tried very hard not to be defensive, because that simply isn't helpful. Know that I take *full* responsibility for my mistakes and shortcomings.

And thanks to all for your support of my fantastic dh!!!!
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Oh - and The Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever. "Inigo Montoya" wasn't an actor, he's a world-class fencer who got the part kind of by accident. The sword fight between he and Thean In Black is almost completely unchoreographed; he told Carey to play like he thought a sword fight should be and he'd make it look good, lol. True story.

Agreed!
 

DavidWebb

New member
I had no idea what I was going to start when I titled my intro this way.

Any thoughts on the poly discussions in here?

Maybe I should move over to the New to Poly forum?
 

Athena

New member
Hi,

My husband and I are both new to the poly thing ourselves and for now are looking more for chat with potential friends. And anyone who loves the Princess Bride has lots of potential to be a really cool friend in my book. Are you in NY area by any chance?
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Mawwage. Mawwage is wut bwings us togevah, today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweem wivvin a dweem.
 

DavidWebb

New member
Updating...

This seems like the easiest place to give an update... and believe me one is needed...

Turned out the woman I mentioned in my post on 7/4 was not really poly and just looking for a new husband so I broke things off with her.

Shortly after that I started messaging a woman, K, that I found on OKC. We had our first in-person meeting on 7/27. We have met up about a dozen times since then and last week made it official to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend (a big deal for her given her past relationships). And then yesterday Christie helped surprise me by having K come over to our house to visit for the first time. So things for me are looking up in terms of my own poly relationship. I am going to need to update my sig line on here :)

I had told Christie that I wanted to become comfortable with her dating other people on its own merit. I still have some issues to deal with, but am doing SO much better. I honestly don't think I could have made so much progress (at least so quickly) without the help of experiencing a secondary relationship myself. I am very grateful for Christie putting her relationships on hold while I (and the two of us together) worked things out. I feel like we are in a much better space now regardless of how my relationship with K pans out.

I have not posted much lately. But I do pop on from time to time to read various threads. Thanks for all your support!

-DW
 

954Bunny

New member
Hi DW,

My BF and I are also new to the poly lifestyle, though we're a little different in that we came to being poly together. We did, however have a few snags here and there due to jealousy on his part and communication issues at the beginning on both our parts.

you're in a learning process here, and it's not always going to be perfect. We had our screwups, and we got through it together and our relationship is now much deeper and more passionate that it ever was when we were mono.

good to hear you guys are moving together in your relationship. :)

Stick with it!
 
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