My new Ai-jin

ramfish

ramfish

New member
So I saw this blog section and thought "perfect". I've been thinking about how I would like to organize all my thoughts and keep a kind of journal of things that have been going on to help me keep my head on straight...so this is exciting.

SO my husband and I started considering polyamory as a lifestyle choice about this time last year. We had a good friend who was poly and we got involved with him. Unfortunately, though the experience went well for a few months, it ended badly. He cut off contact with us in early January with no explanation for over a month. We let it go for that long because we knew he was busy, has a family of his own, etc. When we finally confronted him by calling and leaving a message along the lines of "what the hell? why are you doing this? " he blew up at us. Needless to say it left me somewhat distraught. My husband was just plain angry. It's been hard to get past that poor experience but even though I tried not to relate it to the practice of polyamory, it still affected my willingness to continue because of this first bad experience.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm giving it another go. We recently moved to the other side of the state. I'm going back to school and it's been a nice fresh start for us (we were in a rut for a long time with our jobs). So while I'm going around campus looking for people to meet, make new friends, etc. I'm a Japanese major and I met J-kun in my Japanese class. He is, of course, also a Japanese major.

He's a funny guy, who even though he looks kinda young is actually a year older than me. It took me a few weeks to warm up to most of the people on campus, just because I'm always afraid people will get the wrong impression and I'll scare them off. However I kept running into J-kun all the time. It's taken almost a month, but we hung out a few times, even went to a movie (Zombieland has become an instant hit on campus, it seems). He's very friendly too, which is what has made it so easy to get to know him.

J-kun is one of those guys who can't get a decent break. I mean, we've all had our drama, but I hear his stories and I just want to give him a big hug and tell him someone out there loves him. I often wonder what things would be like if I weren't married, however I am. That will never change. I can't really imagine my life without my husband, I love him a lot, I can tell him everything. So even though I was a little weary from the bad experience earlier this year, I gave it a few weeks before I really let the idea start to sink in. And as I got to know him a little better it was becoming pretty clear that I was defiantly into him...it was just a matter of finding out if the feeling would be mutual in the kind of way that would make anything with him possible.

Well it didn't take long. I already knew he was into me, he has said more than once "where were you three years ago?" Course, three years ago I was engaged ;) but that's beside the point. He was already comfortable enough to flirt with me/tease the married girl so when the discussion of breast size came up and I mentioned I wished mine were bigger, he said they were fine...backed up, laughing he shouldn't say something like that to another man's wife...but then for all he knew we had an open relationship. Viola.

Really the reason why I waited so long was I like him a lot as a friend. And even though I might fantasize about him I didn't want to make the suggestions we sleep together casually and freak him out, ending a potential friendship. I'm still worried about our relationship as friends. This is by no means a happy ending...it's a happy beginning. This only happened this week...and I just need a way to keep track of what goes on...I get kinda forgetful (especially when I'm emotional in any way).

Granted, the hubby does a great job of listening. He helps me keep my feet on the ground and have a point of reference when it comes to complicated things like this. So I will hopefully be a good girl and continue to post my thoughts in here...since things are guaranteed to grow, change, and having a way to attempt to map things out will hopefully help me get through these first few bumpy stages.
 
10/15

My pledge to myself for the weekend is to give J-kun space. I think after this druggingly long week it would be good for this thing as it develops. So. Pledge made.

Time to muse...

I'm worried about the man, he's been pretty stressed out the last couple of days. Of course I can't help but think I'm contributing to this...but then I say STOP to my negative subconscious...because he told me that his week has been full of ups and downs, smiled, and said I was the up.

For a point of reference, J-kun (enthusiastically) agreed to sleep with me Monday night after he, A-san, and I went to a local club. I stayed the night there, had a far too much fun, and still get a fire in my groin thinking about it.

Before we hooked up he had told me he had slept with another girl in our class a few times. It was a casual thing...she's kinda a freak in bed, I'm told. She had said very specifically that he was NOT her boyfriend and the two or three romps were just booty-calls. However she's started acting weird...apparently she had been badgering him about not acting like her boyfriend at the club. J-kun is trying to find a way to tell A-san he doesn't want to do anything with her anymore. I don't want to get directly involved because...well...everyone in our class knows I'm married and while I love poly...scandal and drama is not something I'm into.

So...I hope that it's something that goes away quietly. Not really for me, but for him. In addition to this stressing him out, I know school is getting to him (I'm feeling the mid-term slump as well) and he told me he had a big fight with his dad this week. I didn't ask him about that...even if I wanted to. I felt it was more respectful. Though, I need to find a way to let him know that he can talk to me...I can just listen...even if he's worried he'd just be bitching.
 
I'm hoping that J-kun really does understand what exactly poly is about. It's definitely a completely different experience getting involved with someone who isn't already familiar with the lifestyle. He told me he was only afraid something would happen like I would fall in love with him and I would leave my husband for him, which is not something he wants to happen. I assured him he's not going to split me and my husband up and romance is kinda the point.

So I hope when I asked him if he understands what he's getting into and if it would help if I showed him some stuff he assured me he gets it. Then again...what is there really to get? If I let things just develop on their own, is it so bad to not place a label on it just so I can feel confident he understands what this is or could be?

o_O help the nerves are getting to me.
 
Today was my husband and my second anniversary. We spent the day together, had a really nice dinner (mmmm crab shack) and then he came to Japanese with me since we were driving together.

My hubby is totally all for me spending time with J-kun and I can see that he really wants to get to know this guy too. The only clincher is that I think it's just a little bit awkward for J-kun. He has that train of thought of "Oh, hi, I'm the guy sleeping with your wife." My husband has suggested we need to sit down with him and spell it out for him; because I'm getting the feeling that even if he says he gets it...he doesn't really get it.

It's not that I think he has NO idea what this is...I just think he doesn't understand what it could be. As in...it would be okay to get emotionally involved. If he's comfortable with that; which is the only thing I'm worried about.
 
Wednesday was a very /panicflail kind of day. I had planned on staying home because one of my two classes was canceled and work on the quilt I'm making for a friend's wedding. I had a good afternoon and I was happy when my hubby came home and was ready to spend a lazy evening with him. Well ... I'm not *blaming* him for me being so neurotic, but he said we should see if J-kun was free and have a serious conversation with him about poly. I was still nervous about it, not wanting to push him, put to much pressure on him, etc. but I felt that the hubby was right but kept stalling. Well he made like he was going to send J-kun the message himself, teasing me (trying to make me relax...but not doing a very good job ((hes great at that =p))) so I sent the message. Then got a stomach ache, laid down for an hour, getting no response.

So we went out to dinner, caught up on our TV watching, and then I continued stitching away at my sewing machine trying not to think about it too much. However it's a terrible habit of mine, so I just ended up thinking about it ANYWAY. I shed a few panic tears, worried that I was scaring him off. My husband kept reassuring me that he didn't think that would happen, reminding me, quite logically, that he was probably just busy. Which, of course, he was right about. (/shock awe)

I KNEW J-kun was probably busy, but that doesn't keep me from letting all the little bits of stress about a new relationship creep up on me occasionally and coming out all at once. We call it "spewing molten-crazy all over the place." I try not to do it. I never do it in public, or, really, with anyone other than my husband. I'm a private person when it comes to my feelings so I don't tend to let them out unless I am comfortable, and it takes a lot of faith and trust in someone before I'm ready to let myself go.

Luckily that is starting to happen with J-kun. AND it's not just happening with him. I've still been kind of "testing the waters" out here with my peers. A little afraid that if I let myself BE MYSELF these people will stare at me with a wtf kind of response. However, people out here are pretty relaxed, which is refreshing. It's just difficult to let old habits die.

ANYWAY I did see J-kun yesterday and we were all getting ready for our Japanese midterm and oral presentation/test. We had a pretty friendly day, though I can't say that my nerves weren't making me ill. And I cannot entirely contribute my stress to what is going on with J-kun. I mean, he is not the only thing going on with me. I've got this present to finish, Japanese tests to pass (hopefully with flying colors) and three other classes to worry about. Oh yeah, and there's that husband and those three cats I have at home that are waiting to see me at the end of the day ^_~

However I got to spend the night with J-kun. I went back to his place with him and A-san and we watched two movies (Japanese ninja dorkyness followed by Sukiyaki Western Django). J-kun let me know he was glad I was coming before we picked up A-san. He's still trying to let he know he's not interested anymore. It seems all she wants from him is sex and even though he's attracted to her, she's into things he's not. I can tell it's a little uncomfortable for him. I do like A-san, she seems nice enough, even if she is a little weird. However, I'm pretty used to weird.

J-kun has said multiple times that he is thinking he will tell her he has a girlfriend. I have been wondering if he meant that as a deflection to her, as a way to get her to understand their fling was over, or if he meant it in reference to me. Well that question was answered last night, and he really does mean me. I just don't think he would tell her who, simply because I have expressed my desire to try and remain discreet among our peers simply because I do not want to have to deal with all the questions it will raise. Perhaps at a later date when I am more comfortable with what our relationship is, I will not have such worries about explaining it to others. However, right now, this is what I am comfortable with and I am glad he respects that.

He did ask me what it was my husband and I wanted to talk to him about. I told him we just wanted to explain poly to him better. He let me know that he really doesn't need it spelled out for him, that he does get it. I said I just needed him to know about it being the belief that people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, which is really the ONLY thing I wanted to say out loud to him. He expressed a distaste for wanting to complicate things by defining them. He is much more comfortable letting our relationship be what it is and not trying to put labels on it. I agree, so I am feeling much better about it now.

I get to spend all day tomorrow with meh hubby driving cross-state to a wedding. Even though he hates the driving, I like being in the car with him for some reason. I don't know why. It's silly ^_~ but I'm excited.
 
I've had a see-saw couple of days. Yesterday I spent the day with J-kun, a nice relaxing afternoon before class. My husband wanted to go to the club to try to get to know A-san better. My hubby is interested in her but she doesn't know him like at all. =p Anyway neither she nor J-kun was interested in going...which was a little happy with because I was not quite ready for that yet.

My husband has not yet had a secondary of his own and though I really want him to have the experience, it is not an easy idea to get used to. Also, I don't really know A-san very well...but so far she hasn't made me too weary of what she might be like.

Anyway the plan is we will all go to the club on Friday together, which is exciting.

Today I had a typical retarded girl moment day...the kind where I get all paranoid about what people (read: J-kun) think about me and need to have a converstaion. So of course there were people around us AT ALL TIMES today...making that pretty much impossible until everyone dispersed and he said "whelp gonna watch some tv before class" and went off to do that. So I fretted for a while...then finally went back in and talked to him. As usual, DUMB GIRL. Totally nothing to worry about and he defiantly made me certain that yes, I can talk to him, and no, I don't have to worry so much.

So. Things are going well. Time to relax and let things do as they will.
 
Tonight the husband, myself, J-kun, and A-san went to a local club for some dancing. For the most part, it was fun...but I think everyone went home disappointed.

So here's the rundown. J-kun has still not told A-san he's not interested in fooling around with her anymore. My husband is, however, interested in A-san. She is his type. So we pretty much spent an hour waiting for someone to get the nerve to actually go onto the dance floor, which ended up being J-kun and I at first. Eventually we all were out there, it was a lot of fun, until we started to step off as it got crowded and needed water, etc. Then it was a lot of talking and standing close as people pushed by to get on and off the dance floor, to the bar, etc.

So even though there were some moments of uncomfortable-ness it was a lot of fun. After a few hours A-san was ready to leave, but I wasn't. I really wanted to get J-kun back on the dancefloor but it was crowded and my hubby relayed to me via A-san she was ready to go. I/we had hoped that my husband could take her home and I could stay a little while longer with J-kun but it didn't work out that way. She asked J-kun to take her home, confusing me, because the men had agreed to do what I was thinking, but that wasn't what happened. In my confusion she let me know they were leaving and that she wanted to take J-kun home and 'fuck the shit out of him'.

Let the discomfort begin. Well neither me or my husband wanted to stay at the club after that, so we left right after them. Then we ran into them outside. J-kun invited us back to his place, and then went off to his car, leaving A-san with us. I could defiantly tell on the ride over to J-kun's place she was pissed. Huffing and sighing in the backseat was abound.

So we watched some TV at J-kun's for a few hours, decided that it was late at about 3am, and decided to break it up for the night. J-kun's tactic for telling A-san 'no' was offering to take her home and saying 'not tonight' when she pouted and asked if she couldn't just sleep there. So husband and I left, leaving J-kun to take A-san home.

We could only imagine what happened on their way back. Mutually husband and I wish J-kun would just talk to her. I'm not sure what will happen, but hopefully things will get resolved.

I need to write this part of my thoughts of this down: I would not have a problem with J-kun's interactions with A-san if I did not know that he is not interested in continuing bedroom relations with her. If he did not complain about having to see her and tell her no and come up with excuses for why he can't 'hang out' that day. It was supposedly a casual fuck-buddy thing, but she behaves strange about it sometimes and that bothers him. The thing is: the longer he waits to talk to her, regardless of what her impressions are, the worse it will be.

I am not in the habit of telling people what to do, especially when it comes to relationships. So unless they ask me explicitly for my advice, or my opinion, I just listen. I'll give my initial impressions, but nothing along the lines of "oh my god...well you should blah-blah-blah" So we shall see how things go from here.
 
I got to spend Tuesday night with J-kun. It was a lot of fun. We spent the night playing video games and watching TV, the perfect night for me, really. Since I talked to him last week about my neurosis I have been feeling a lot better about being able to just talk to him.

Yesterday I got to spend the night with the hubby. Wednesday is my long afternoon, it's nice considering I spend 3/5 nights of the week in Japanese class until late.

And now I'm jumping around. bear with me.

J-kun does martial arts and ripped his uniform last week. I got to fix it for him, as I am a sewing wiz. ^_~ It feels so good to get to do something nice for him with no strings attached. When I returned it to him today he was happy and started to try to think of ways he could repay me. "Did cost you anything?" "I should get you lunch" etc. No no no, hun, you don't get it. I do it because I like you, silly man. The only thing he needs to do to repay me is keep spending time with me and being him.

So there is one thing that is still going on that has been bothering me but I'm going to create a new thread elsewhere about it and ask people to give me feedback on that one, because I need some outside opinion.

Otherwise, things are good. I'm crossing my fingers for a good weekend with easy days at work and long nights with my boys.
 
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Excellent weekend. Saturday night my husband and I went over to J-kun's, watched movies all night, and had a fantastic time. In no way have I been feeling that the two of them needed to be friends, but I knew that they would get along just fine. My husband has been wanting to spend time with J-kun for a few weeks, feeling that if he did, J-kun would not feel uncertain about our relationship. It's funny, though, because I don't think that he is worried so much about how things go between the two of us, but how my husband feels about the whole thing. My husband went home and left me there for the night, J-kun making a comment about not being a 'wife stealer'. Well, that is not something he has to worry about, and both my hubby and I know it; J-kun just needs to let that sink in and let his worries fade away.
 
Things have been going pretty well, but I've been so busy I haven't really had much time to reflect.

Last night J-kun took me to a campus jazz/dance event they hold once a month. I got all dressed up nice and we danced as much as we could. The music left a lot to be desired...but we had a lot of fun. People wondered where my husband was, which is easily explained as he works at 6am...so going out during the week is not a good idea.

J-kun and I are getting quite close. He considers us to be very good friends and while I agree with him, I do hope for something a little more long term in the future. My husband and I have talked about it a few times...that it might be nice to have someone in our lives long-term. But that entirely depends on how J-kun feels.

I get the sense that he sees himself mono with someone someday, but isn't very optimistic about ever achieving that. I know he enjoys spending time with me, but (excuse the language) he is unable to see past the idea that he and I can only be friends who fuck. I have told him that poly is about love, but either he doesn't understand that it means, yes, you can love me, or it's just not something he will be capable of. It saddens me, because I think that he could be capable of something like this, but it's not something I can force him to do. I can't cram it down his throat because I want him to understand, because that feels a little bit like treating him like a child.

Some changes have come up as well. For one thing, he and A-san are done. It's nice to have that resolved. He has started spending time with another girl and he was telling me yesterday how they had some fun a few days ago. Two things about that conversation: first he didn't understand why I would be a little jealous and second he confided in me that I was the only person he could talk to about these kinds of endeavors. Per that latter, this is fine. I like being someone he can talk to. As to the jealousy, I think I was jealous because I haven't really gotten to spend much time with him this past week and I've been missing him, so hearing about him going out with someone else makes me jealous because I've been wanting to see him for more than a few hours on campus, but busy schedules have not permitted it.

He reassured me that I wasn't being replaced. It might sound like an unnecessary thing for him to have to say, but I did need to hear it. I get very neurotic sometimes, it's a byproduct of my emotional disorder (even if it's well under control doesn't mean it never comes up to bite me in the ass). He knows I worry a lot and that I don't want to loose him, so it was good of him to speak his mind about it and reiterate what he feels about how he and I function, how he feels about me, etc, so that I don't have to get trapped inside my head.

So another big change is my husband may start seeing someone, which has never happened with us before. He is going to be hanging out with a girl he knows from work, and I will be meeting her tomorrow. She wanted to meet me before she felt comfortable being alone with my husband, as she has been a secondary before. I will have to talk about how this affects me as well, since even though I have wanted my husband to get to experience this for himself, I can't guarantee I will be a perfect poly wife the first time he spends a night with another woman.

Thankfully, when I mentioned it to J-kun, he said he wasn't sure if he would be available to keep me company while my hubby is on his 'date' but he said I could give him a call if I needed to talk.

So, complications and worries aside, things are pretty good. Nothing worth having is easy.
 
getting the guys together

Hi Ram,

If it's helpful, I encourage your hubby to take the initiative to get a good, sit down conversation going with J-kun. This is something I've (the male half) learned is really important right in the early stages. Men are subject to the same pressures as women in this regard, and it's stretching outside the comfort zone of most men to have conversations relating to being sexual with the others wife. But it's a conversation that needs to happen and your hubby is the one who is in the position to have to take the first step.
Once that happens the relationship will be poised to evolve in the direction it will - whatever that may be. But until it does there's going to be more discomfort in the whole triangle than there should be which will over time put stress on it.

GS
 
Thanks for the insight, GS, but unfortunately these last two days things have not gone so well for me.

I have been inwardly battling with myself for a while about whether or not I actually was falling in love with J-kun. I've been writing it off as a kind of crush thing, trying to take things easy...be casual...be cool. It's been getting harder and harder to ignore and only even harder because we hadn't had a frank discussion about what kind of relationship we could have. I mean I know that he considers me a good friend who he can have sex with...but I wanted it to be more and just was so scared to tell him about it because I don't want to loose him.

Well we're short on money right now and I didn't have enough gas to get home last night and go to class this morning so he agreed (gladly) to let me sleep at his place while he went to work third shift at his new job. As we walked to his car his new fling joined us and it was rather awkward.

I could go into the situation but it makes my stomach hurt. Essentially, hurray for him, he did tell her about us. However, she didn't say anything to me, he let me know later. He said she had asked him (again?) to be her boyfriend...which was kinda like a stab in the heart. He wanted to see how things were going to play out with her, if she wanted to be exclusive, etc. I told him he has to talk to her, because I need to know. He tells me that nothing will change between us, we just can't have sex anymore.

Accept that I've like just admitted to myself in the last 48 hours that I'm in love with him...and now he's going to see someone else; and we can still be friends and that's it. Granted I haven't said this yet, but it was not making it easy on me to hear about this.

Well i didn't want to get into it before he had to go to work, because not fair to him, so I said I had a lot on my mind and needed to talk to him in the morning. He could tell I was depressed and was worried about me, assured me that he cares about me and later after he left sent me a text letting me know we would figure things out and that he wants me in his life.

I spent many hours of bawling alone in his apartment unable to talk to anyone for long because my cell was dead...I was able to talk to my hubby for all of 15 minutes and then was cut off.

When we talked in the morning I got to learn a number of things. Primarily, it's not possible for him to be a secondary. He dates women with the intention of finding out if he would want to marry them someday, not because he just wants the sex. He doesn't want to be a second husband to me, because I'm my husband's wife, and he just doesn't think that way. He doesn't think we could ever be more than what we are now unless I wasn't with my husband anymore and he doesn't want to go through with that, nor does he have the time for that kind of stress.

There is a lot more to be said, but that is the summation. No, we can't be romantically involved; not as long as I'm married. Yes, he already knew I was falling in love with him and he loves me too in a way, just not quite the same. Regardless...I've been doing terrible today. I have to change the way I view our relationship if I want to continue having a friendship without making myself sick over the way I feel for him. I can't change the way I feel, but I can change other things about how I perceive it...but even then..I kinda go...now what?
 
Husband and I had a talk last night. Needless to say I still feel like crap. In addition to me being crushed about J-kun the problems we have been having have all decided to dump on our head.

And now I'm getting sick.

So, I'm depressed and we get to go to thanksgiving tomorrow at the in-laws.

Yay.
 
Dear Ramfish, we can definitely relate to what you're going through. You have our heartfelt sympathies.

((HUG))

Your hubby sounds like an awesome guy, a very supportive poly husband. Right now just focus on the two of you, and make sure your relationship stays strong.
 
Thanks Sweetheart. The holiday weekend has not been fantastic. I'm certainly not a bundle of sunshine and lollipops but yes, I do have a very supportive poly husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy. The least I can do is return the favor and deciding not to veto him going over to his new secondary's place tonight and fending for myself with craft projects and tv. I've been doing better, really, as each day goes by.

Thanks for the hug. I need them :eek:
 
After feeling like I was waiting for the holiday to be over so that I could get back into the school routine and see J- again, of course he was sick and didn't come to school yesterday or today. Even after last night he was sure he would come to school today saying maybe we could do something he still went home and slept after his first class. I can't blame him, getting sick, working third shift and going to school is awful but I've been really missing him especially after last week.

I have this awful knot I get in my stomach all day while I hope to get to see him. I have no one I can talk to about it accept my husband and though he's ridiculously supportive and loving he's at work all day while I sit at school and wait to have class at night for 6-8 hours. So I feel distracted and nervous and crazy all day so I can't study to pass the time like I should.

o_O It's no fun at all.
 
I'm going to be going back to counseling next week to help deal with some the stress I've been experiencing. The personal issues and inter conflict I've been having because of J-kun has been greatly distracted me from being able to focus on my schoolwork...and next week is the last week of classes.

However yesterday J- came to school and spent the afternoon/evening with me specifically because he felt like cheering me up and giving me some face-time. We had a good afternoon getting to talk. He know's I've been having a hard time and he's not really one to have in-depth conversations about these sorts of topics more than once.

It doesn't help I'm never very comfortable talking to other people about my real feelings because I'm often doubting myself. I often get the sense that my feelings or 'intuition' about something when I'm upset is wrong, and that's something I need to work on.

J- knows that I love him, and that's important. I don't expect him to feel the same way, but he does tell me he is very fond of me. He's still not sure what is going on with him and this new girl, but I'm glad to know for sure that I am still important enough to him that he will make some time for me.

It's hard to resist wanting to tell him how much I love him all the time. I feel like it's only fair to let him and her have whatever it is they can have, as long as it lasts, even if it is bad timing for me.

A problem my husband and I have discussed is the possibility that I may not be, in reality, polyamorous. While I am able to love more than one man at once, even don't have a problem with intimacy with two, it's hard to say if I can really handle sharing mine. It's something I will have to figure out and I'm lucky that I have my husband here to support me, love me, and understand whatever decisions I make in the long run.
 
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