My past experience with love and poly.

Taramafor

New member
Now here's my take on polomy and love. To love is to be selfless. Yet how many mono people will avoid you for not being like them without even giving you a chance to be there for them? There's a number of factors coming into play here. Like just because someone "isn't in a relationship" doesn't mean feelings are gone. To be mono also doesn't translate too "I want you to myself alone", which would be selfish. It simply means "One's enough for me". Which is why mono and poly partners are a thing. Honestly, that's the only situation I can see mono in a positive light. Even here though it might not always be the case despite what people may like to believe. eg: It can still happen down the line. I'm not going to argue on this one. I been stubborn and "fixed in my ways". Things can change despite what people claim. Long and short of it is that people change for themselves and feel like doing it. Which is why going "My way" is counter productive. If anything it's more productive in my experience. You don't "make people change their mind". You state your case and let them figure things out. If I'm presented with information I didn't even know about beforehand then my mind will change even if I don't want it too. It's not even a choice in that regard. And I say that as someone that believe in freedom of choice above all else.

So, to get back onto my original point, to love is to be selfless. Yet even poly people can be guilty of being selfish. To want others here for our needs that others can't fulfil. This isn't a bad thing in itself but can be if it's a case of "It's about what I want first".

The way I see love is to be at least as selfless as you are selfish. Because no one cares about you if you don't care for them. To keep the other in mind. To let them be there in their own way in their own time. Things like fear and hate come into play to which I shall simply say being understanding and trusting helps a great deal. Even if you're scared yourself. Do you care enough to face such fears or do you turn a blind eye to it? The people that really care consider what's important to you, despite their personal viewpoint on the matter. There's things like reasons and how and why. What can be a simple preference to some can be a reason to be remaining sane to others. Ultimately it boils down to one being as they are. No one should have to "commit" IMO either. People will be there as they will or won't. If I "feel" like being with someone then I try to be with them. I make the time. I'd want someone to feel like they want to be with me. Their choice and not mine. That's when I know someone loves me. To care about how I view things and to be there and try to be. Likewise if I don't keep them in mind what reason do they have to be with me? So the favour is returned. "As selfless as selfish."

Those that "cheat" when it's not the case (Because no one actually said NOT to see others or otherwise agreed not too without thinking it through) can be a big factor as well. Could even be that many so called cheaters are simply poly without being aware. The reason for this is a simple one. People like to think something will never happen only for it to happen anyway down the line. As such when such things happen they don't consider "poly" because they're freaking out. I know I did. Without poly to back it up it's just a case of "You're a cheat". Note: Poly is NOT to be used as an excuse for sexual only or less emotional relations. Because then love would be lacking. That said through such things (even sexual) people can become closer for it. And in so doing have love be a factor as well. Regardless if another is with someone else it doesn't have to translate into being there less for you.

If you BLAME someone however then chances are they will be there less. Because blame is counterproductive. No longer speaking of only cheating here, I mean this on a whole. part of my past experience with "figuring myself out" involved being blame for a suicide. But I didn't hold it against them because, honestly, I could see how they could mistrust and be afraid of me after a lot of things that happened that I won't get into. If I had blamed back "as so often is the case in general" then would have that been productive? When it comes to people I care about I just can't bring myself to hold a grudge, no matter the reasons. Strangers are another matter.

Media doesn't show the "reasons" and the "how" and the "why". It doesn't show things like "That ex and the one you cheated with stayed in touch on skype and the ex sent that person to you in the future because they think you can care for them." (Well fuck, my ex trusted me to make another happy in that light). And it sure as hell doesn't show the dark and depressing shit. Not unless it's mono related. Which can be quickly explained because "This is normal". If caught between two people then you pick one and be UNHAPPY about having to choose... Happy when with the other yes, but why doesn't media consider "Ok, happy with one person. Is there any reason they can't be happy with another as well?" To love someone is to be there to the best of your ability. to not neglect them. On that note I don't get much "time" as I would like but I make the most of it. Once it's "made a choice" that's picking one over the other and playing favourites. I went bloody insane doing that. And that's no joke. Fuck you media. Reasons matter. Such reasons aren't often covered and as such people in general don't bother to find out. They just hear "Oh, you're like that or into that", be it poly, masochist, into that odd fetish. Whatever else applies. There's more at stake here then poly if you ask me. People don't want to "deal with that" because that's how people are brought up. Frankly I'm glad I can consider things and go into detail about it all. Because I'm not thinking of myself alone. I'm thinking "Oh shit, being unplanned and unprepared hurts people if not worse". So now I enjoy films and games that go into detail about the serious shit. And yes there's books, but I rarely enjoy books. Good to have things there to look at as you like though.

The people that love me find all that stuff out. And actually try to be here for me. Even if I might be the reason they're a little scared of me. I've lived a life full of fear and I face it with those I care for as well. Even those I DON'T care for. Treat others as you would be treated yourself. All too often I see people try to ignore the scary things only for things to go wrong down the line. Or end up being the mistrustful ones because of their own fears. If they can't accept I'm poly (or for that matter that I am trying to be with them when they let me be around) then I can't accept them not accepting me and assuming only the worst of things. There's bad in me and I'm not perfect ,but if bad is all they see (and indeed I need the bad to be accepted too.) then it just won't work. If they want to "restrict me" then that's them playing favourites with another. Do I get to "restrict" a partner with something? Sex related or no? In what way is this fair? Not that I would even be able to do that in the first place because it would be deciding for another that they can't be with someone else to be happy with them. Because I trust the other to be around regardless of whatever things or people they like to enjoy as well.

Yea, I might be a bit biased here. But I think I make some good points. Oh, also distance happens at times. That's down to "fear and hate". Which circles back to "Trust and understanding". Too many people don't even try to understand. So why bother to make the effort for them? Consider this the tl;dr version.
 
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