That whole conversation seemed to be weird oversharing to me, like Red has poor emotional boundaries. Just reading it made me feel kinda gross.
I'm in a closed triad, with a fairly heavy emphasis on a V-type relationship. My wife Island Queen has a gf, Red Beauty, and we all have relations together.
This is a poly V where you sometimes hang out in a group and share group sex. Island Queen is the actual hinge with two partners.
At most, you are Red's casual group-sex partner. You two are not dating, so why are you getting sucked into this extra stuff?
If it's about calendar, you could work it out as a group, each person speaking about their own self, their time, their wishes.
That would be fair. You speak for your time. Island speaks for Island's time. Red speaks for Red's time. Then you coordinate so each person gets time on their own, time for friends and family, and time for regular dates for (Island + Red) and (Island + You).
I think you might want to bow out of any more group sex. Red seems to have a hard time keeping that casual. And you sound "too nice."
I caught up with Red Beauty. It was in September that her partner died 6 years ago, so this month brings up lots of emotions.
It's fair to make both you and Island aware of this. I don't see why it had to be some big deal talk with you alone. This could have been an email.
"Heads up... September is deathiversary month. I have a hard time with it, so might seem a bit off. I'm working on finding a grief counselor. Just making you aware."
Done.
We agreed to talk about that, realistic days/catch-ups for Island Queen and Red Beauty for alone time, and working through jealousy.
You don't have to plan their date times with each other. Can't they do that on their own time?
You don't have to help Red with her jealousy or emotional management. You are not her free therapist.
Dealing with the death of her partner needs professional help. She agreed to seek some. I'll believe it when I see it.
I AGREE. I hope she gets a counselor.
In future, you could DECLINE any more 1:1 talks like this, that are too much, like she's using YOU as a free therapist.
The amount of time realistically for alone time between Island Queen and Red Beauty is agreed to be around a week, 4 times a year (school holidays), and maybe 2 weeks (the whole holidays), depending on my work situation.
Regular catch-ups Fridays, with a sleepover once per month, and once per month as a group, which may stretch to 2 nights, depending on desires.
On top of this are the usual comedy, theatre and restaurant nights, as a group or singularly, as needed.
I'm okay with all of this.
You are okay with this, but is Island Queen? How does IQ feel about you and Red Beauty deciding on how IQ's time is spent, and where, without the hinge even being present? If it were me, I'd be PISSED. I run my calendar, not other people.
She is deeply in love with my wife, and if my wife were single, I think they would probably stay committed to each other and look to share as much of the simple things as possible, like preparing dinner for each other, sleeping in bed together, having showers, going for walks and being seen in public.
Why aren't they already sharing things like making dinner, taking showers, sleeping in bed, and going for walks together? Regarding being seen together in public on their dates, can't they have a discussion about PDAs, and how "out" they want to be? Isn't that stuff Red could work out in the (Island + Red) dyad? Why do you have to be involved in whether or not they make dinner together?
So these things, that "she" thinks happen all the time, are what Red Beauty is jealous of-- wanting a life that isn't bound by our restrictions of marriage, extended family, grown kids and societal norms.
Then why is she dating Island? Island Queen comes as a married person. This is the poly reality here. If Red wants another partner who can offer that stuff, she can date them.
I explained that this is the relationship we are in, and she agrees, and understands how detrimental it is if we "come out."
Why is this YOUR job to explain all that, rather than hinge's job? The personal boundaries here are getting weird and fuzzy.
So to help herself with the struggle, I said she needs to get professional help again. I can't help her to not imagine XYZ scenarios and getting herself in a tizz. I only asked she doesn't create more drama in our lives. It is already full enough.
So if she DOES create drama, what's your next step? How will you enforce your personal boundary?
Red Beauty knows she can text, call and pop in when ever she likes, so I'm at a loss how to help out and or be more accommodating.
That is good enough. There's a point where you just have to let the friendly door be open. And if Red doesn't want to walk through the door, you can check out and not feel bad about it. You cannot MAKE her avail herself. You can't MAKE Red open her mouth to make a call. You can't MAKE her move her finger to send a text.
I think you could STOP being so accommodating and start referring Red to her hinge. where appropriate. "I'm not the right person for this talk. I think you need to talk to Island about that. Island is the hinge." That's not being rude or mean.
Expect Red to do Red's job for herself.
Expect Red to do Red's jobs in the (Red + Island) dyad, rather than trying to get you to fix it for them from the back door.
Expect Island do to Island's jobs as a hinge, rather than you doing them for Island.
Set and enforce better personal boundaries. You sound like you're being "too nice," like you're doing other people's jobs for them, rather than letting each person carry their own fair share of the load.
Galagirl
