Mya's search for balance

Mya

Mya

Member
New year, new journal. :) Some of you might know my story so far. I had a journal here with my partner, but I've now decided to have one just for myself.

A quick recap: I have three partners at the moment. I live with two of them, rory and Hank. In two months I've been with rory for 4 years and with Hank for 2 years. I've also been dating Ray for about 8 months now.

Me and rory have had some really difficult times recently and we broke up for a few weeks. We went back and forward with it, but now we've gotten back together and I hope it stays that way for a good while. :) We've taken some practical steps to improve our dynamic, and we've been taking time to reconnect with each other. It's been good and intense. Last week we had an incredibly powerful date night. We were vulnerable, told each other about our fears and other scary/unpleasent feelings, really opened up. And then we were kind of sexual together for the first time in ages. I felt like I woke up something inside me that had been sleeping for a long time. We didn't go very far, but it was nonetheless really emotional. We were kissing and crying at the same time, letting out all the past hurt and making way to other feelings, including sexual. We want to do things differently this time around. We need to at the same time not be around each other quite as much as we used to, but also spend more connecting quality time together where we are truly present for each other. I love rory so much and I want to make this work for both of us. I believe we can do it.

There have been some other changes in my life as well recently, one of them being quitting a hobby that took quite a lot of my time. I loved it, but I just didn't feel like I could give it as much time as it needs. I want to focus on some other hobbies, things that I can do by myself. I want to spend more time enjoying my own company, doing something fun and/or productive when I'm alone.

Last year was a real rollercoaster ride. I hope this one will be a bit calmer and stabler. I hope I'll be able to find more balance, both within each of my relationships as well as in other areas of my life, hence the title.
 
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Happy new year! I'm so glad you and rory are choosing to stay together, I was really rooting for the two of you. :)
 
Mya said:
I love rory so much and I want to make this work for both of us. I believe we can do it.
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I, too, believe you both can make it work! You both are very self-aware and unafraid to look at the hard, difficult stuff, but also know how to take care of yourselves and the people in your lives. Just stay present and you will know how to handle anything life throws your way.

Happy New Year!
 
Thanks for your supportive replies, RainyGrlJenny and nycindie! :) It was really nice to read them.

Me and rory have been doing quite well recently. I think we've been able to be present with each other more but also take some time apart when it's needed. That is the tricky balance we're trying to navigate at the moment. The thing is, when we are being open and in touch with our feelings, it's not always nice and pleasent. Of course it's not, because feelings are not always pretty. But it's good, it feels real and authentic, which in turn makes me feel closer to rory. I think we've put quite a lot of emphasis on not being 'dramatic' before. Now I'm starting to wonder if that has stopped us from showing what we really feel sometimes. We've both tried to be so cool and calm with everything that maybe there have been times we haven't been completely honest with ourselves in terms of what we're feeling. Now it's time to do that, whatever the feelings might be.

Me and Hank are also doing well in general. There was this one thing that came up recently though that I'm still trying to process. There are a couple of things that I've expressed as dealbreakers to me, or that would at least lead me to consider ending the relationship. I believe most people have them, personal boundaries, behaviours that they're not willing to tolarate in a relationship. There is one thing that is quite an emotional trigger for me and I've hoped in the past that my partners wouldn't do that. The thing is, it's not actually something that anybody would do to me. I don't really want to tell you what this thing is, but let's say I wouldn't want my partner to join the military because I'd fear for their safety and I'm also against violence. It's something like that. Now Hank has expressed that he feels restricted and not as free as he'd like because of this thing of mine. He feels this one is unreasonable and that he should be able to do that if he wants. It's not even so much about actually doing it, it's about the freedom. Which I totally understand. I agree with him in principle. And I want him to be able to do everything he wants to do. But at the same time the thought of it makes me really really scared and horrified. I know my emotional reaction is somewhat out of proportion, but there are some rational reasons as well. For a long time I thought that would be an incompatibility issue if I ever had a partner or a potential partner that did this thing. Now that I've been with Hank for a long time, I love him and I'm committed to him, it's not so easy to keep holding on to that. I want him to have his freedom, and I don't want to control him. But it's freaking hard to let go of your principles, something that you once thought is an important value for you. Where I'm trying to go with it now is that it's even more important value for me to not be controlling. So I've said that I will still be with him even if he chooses to do this thing. I'm really trying not to freak out about it. But man, that's tough.

With Ray, everything is going really steadily. We see each other usually 2-4 times a month, recently it's been closer to every week, but our time together is often quite limited. For example last night he came to my place late in the evening, we hung out for a couple of hours, went to bed, and he left early in the morning. He's good fun, I like having him around. I'm not in love with him though. I don't know if that feeling will ever happen for us (I don't believe he's in love with me either, or at least he hasn't said so), or if it will just take a long time. I'm not particularly bothered about it because what we have, it works for both of us. This might not be for forever, but it's really nice as long as it keeps working for us. :)

At the moment I have two metamours, and I haven't written about either of them. Rory has started dating someone new recently, let's call him Will. He is a really nice person, and I'm all for rory dating him. I've met him several times because we have mutual friends and he often comes around our place to see rory as well. He has expressed genuine interest in getting to know me as well now that we're metamours, and that makes me feel really nice. :) Then there's the other metamour, Ray's other partner, that I'll call Valerie. Ray has dated her almost exactly as long as me. As in mine and Ray's first date was on a Monday and his and Valerie's was on a Tuesday, both about 8 months ago. Me and Valerie have never met. I would really like to, but Valerie hasn't been too keen so far. If I've understood correctly, this is her first poly relationship, so it might just be a bit strange for her. But Ray has said that he would also quite like us to meet one day, so we'll see if Valerie changes her mind at some point. Ray's birthday is next month, so he was thinking that maybe we could get together then if Valerie's up for it. We'll see. :)
 
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I've done a lot of processing about the thing with Hank that I wrote about, and I'm in a much better place with it now. I feel pretty calm about it actually. It's his life, his decision, and I love him regardless. Me and Hank are doing really well in other areas too. I love listening to his stories, learning things about him and realising more and more every day what an amazing person he is - and telling him that. I love talking about serious subjects like politics or religion with him. Even if we don't always agree, I feel like he respects my opinions and I can express myself freely without fear of judgement, and we can bounce ideas off of each other. I love how he always makes me laugh. I really love our sex life too. We are very compatible in bed, like puzzle pieces, we fit together and like the same things...or in some cases the opposite things that go well together. :cool:

Things are going quite well with rory too, in general. Although I have noticed that the recent back-and-forth has left its mark on me. Last time we had a date night rory started with saying that he wants to tell me something and looked quite serious. My first thought was that he wants to break up again, and I said that as well. He didn't want to break up. It's hurting both of us that I have trouble trusting the stability of our relationship right now. I guess I just need time before I can fully believe that rory is not leaving any minute now. I also really don't need to voice those doubts every time I have them, it's not doing us any good. Although this time when I did, it led to a good conversation, so it's not all bad. I do notice the trust growing bit by bit, so time is the only thing that helps really. We are also trying to learn some new habits together and I think we're doing quite well with it. :)
 
It's so good to read your updates, Mya. I love how thoughtful you are.

Thanks for your writings about your work on your own limits vs controlling others. I've found that helpful for something in my own life that has been causing me a fair amount of anxiety. I need to think more on it after reading your words but I have found it helpful.

IP
 
Thank you, IP! I'm very glad that my writing has been helpful. I hope you figure our own stuff out and find a happier place with it. :)

Last weekend rory broke up with Will. I'm really sad about it. :( I know the reasons behind it, and it's rory's life after all, but... I really really liked Will. But not only that, I felt like we could be a team who could be there for rory, together. My compersion was through the roof, but I was also selfishly happy that Will was in rory's life as a person he could rely on when times get tough. And in rory's life times are tough quite often.

Also, an unrelated thing: Two of the people I've had sex with have very recently told me they've been diagnosed with an STI (a different one in each case). I've been checked like 6 months ago and I didn't have anything then, and I've used protection with everyone, but I should probably get tested again after these news.
 
Phew, I got my results and I'm clear on the STI front!

I went to a party recently and I saw Will there. We had a really good conversation all in all, and we also talked about his and rory's break-up. I'm glad he felt he could talk to me about it. I've also talked to rory about it some more and even though I said in my previous post that I felt sad about their break-up because now Will won't be there for rory anymore in the same way he was, I've learnt that perhaps he wasn't always able to support rory when they were together either, because he had his own stuff to deal with. I hope they're able to form a good friendship anyway.

Then, today Ray told me that he finally asked Valerie if she'd like to meet me some time. Apparently she doesn't, and she doesn't even want to know anything about me. :( So almost like a don't ask don't tell situation. Man, I did not see that coming. I don't know what to do. I mean, it's not like Ray can do anything about it. If Valerie doesn't want to know about me or meet me, he can't make her. This situation isn't what he signed up for though. It's not like they were together first and then opened up their relationship after years of monogamy. He met both of us at the same time and he sees us both about 3-4 times a month. I like open poly, where everyone can be friendly with everyone, or at least can be in the same space sometimes. I have that with all my other partners, ex-partners and ex-metamours. Ray has met my other partners and many of my friends, whereas I haven't met a single person from his life, which makes me feel pretty excluded. Valerie has met some of his friends and also his parents. And now she wants this DADT thing. Damn. I guess this also tells me something about Ray and what kind of poly he chooses to practice. Maybe our flavours of poly are too different. I'll have to think about this a bit more and also talk to him about it properly.
 
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For the readers who didn't read my previous journal: rory is a trans man who has quite recently started identifying as male. Only people close to him know, so people at his workplace for example don't know yet, and probably won't know as long as his body still looks female. I'm out about my own bi and poly stuff at my workplace, but this is something I haven't gotten into with them yet. So when I talk about rory at work, I try to avoid pronouns and use gender neutral terms like 'partner', but sometimes when I have to use a pronoun, I say 'she'. First I had problems switching to 'he' at home and around friends, but now I'm quite used to it, so now I have the opposite problem where I have to remember that rory is still 'she' to my coworkers. I'm sure it'll be simpler one day. :) When Will and rory started dating, rory had just started using 'he', so it was quite easy for Will to just go with it since he didn't have to switch from one to another. That actually helped me too, because when I talked to Will and he always referred to rory correctly as 'he', it made me remember to use it too. It's different when I talk to mine and rory's mutual friends because some of them remember and some of them don't, so it just gets quite confusing sometimes.

Anyway, with rory transitioning I realize that I'm now in a relationship with three people who use he pronouns. Ray identifies as genderqueer but doesn't mind he pronouns. So when I talk about my partners, it seems like all of them are men. It used to be easy for me to come out as bi because for a long time I had at least one girlfriend and one boyfriend at the same time. Now I have to actually start saying the bi thing separately. :p

In other news, I have a friend that I've had sex with a few times. I'll call her Yvonne. We've known each other for quite a while but things turned sexual only a few months ago. Me, Yvonne and Hank have also had a threesome, which was amazing. It was probably one of the best sexual experiences in my life. :) I like her a lot. We keep referring to each other as friends, and so far that has been in line with my feelings towards her. But who knows about the future of course. I just saw her a couple of days ago and we had a really good time together. I ended up staying over at her place, but luckily she lives quite close to me, so I could go home in the morning before work. Good times. :)
 
Happy Valentine's Day to me - Ray and I broke up. :( It was mainly about Valerie wanting DADT and Ray being okay with it, which is not the kind of poly I'm willing to practice. Also, today for the first time we actually said out loud that we don't love each other. It just never happened. There are a lot of things we appreciate and like in each other, but it just never deepened into love. That could be okay rationally, but lately I've noticed my body reacting negatively to sex with Ray, as in I haven't been wanting it as much and when we have had sex, it hasn't felt as good as it once did. So I don't know if there's much left to fight for. :( I still feel really sad about it. I've cried so much today. Also, I have broken up too many times in the space of just few months. It's so tiring and it feels very overwhelming. Give me a break, universe!
 
Sorry to hear about the break-up, Mya! They always suck, no matter how "easy" it should rationally be. Universe is definitely dealing a tough hand for you this round... hope it gets easier soon! (At least you got the clean results in STI tests, that is a positive thing to remember.)

I fully understand you not wanting to be a part of a DADT. Actually, I have broken up once for the exact same reason - DADTs are not for me. Still, that break-up sucked, but later on I have been happy to stand for what I feel important.
 
Thanks for the sympathy, Nadya. :) Yeah, I do feel like this was not the type of poly situation I wanted to be a part of, and it was the right thing to do to leave it. Still, when I woke up this morning, I missed Ray and wanted to text him so badly. I'm sure it'll get better with time, like it tends to happen with these things.

I've been so supported through all of this though. I'm very grateful. When I got back home yesterday, all sad about the break-up, rory was there for me. We talked, had a bath, cuddled. It was really sweet. Then today I spent most of the day with rory until Hank came home. (He was at a weekend-long event.) The three of us hung out and at one point we were all cuddling on my bed, me between Hank and rory. I felt really loved and cared for, they were both so amazing. After rory went to bed, me and Hank talked some more about our weekends. He had a really good time with other people during the weekend and I just felt such genuine happiness for him, compersion through the roof. :) But it was also really nice to just reconnect after our separate adventures and be there for each other, whether our news were good or bad. I love rory and Hank so much, oh my god. I'm so happy I have them in my life and they are there for me in times like these. <3
 
I have a habit of staying good friends with my ex-lovers. I'm still really good friends with JJ (my ex-husband who I was with for 9 years), we write to each other or skype regularly. I also see Evan from time to time, although that has been fizzling out a little bit mainly due to his life situation, but I'm sure we'll still stay in touch at least sometimes. I see Bob every time I visit Home Country and he's even visited me here in Dream City, we still definitely have a connection. Maxine is now one of my best friends in Dream City, we hang out quite often. And very recently I've started to build a friendship with Sol (we had a brief but intense relationship that ended in November last year). I actually just saw Sol yesterday and it was really nice. :) We had really enlightening conversations about many things, but also about our relationship, and it was just really honest and open. We still have a strong connection, but being friends is better for us because we broke up for being too incompatible for a partnership. In friendship many of those things don't really matter anymore. We don't expect the same things from each other now, which is good.

But Ray I'm not sure about. Time will tell I guess, but I'm not sure if we have enough in common to build a friendship. Our relationship was quite heavily focused on sex and sexual attraction, and now that that's not part of the equation anymore, I'm not sure what would keep us connected. I mean, sure, we still have things to talk about. But he also tends to complain a lot. That bugged me a bit when we were together, but then we had sex again and I didn't have to think about it. :eek: But we'll see, maybe we have something to offer to each other as friends later on. :) Right now I do need a bit of a break from him though, just to get used to the fact that we're not together anymore.
 
I've been spending quite a bit of time with Yvonne and things have turned more and more romantic lately. A few days ago we had a talk and decided that 'dating' is a word that would describe what we're doing. :) She's a really sweet and positive person, I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm really attracted to her as well. She's been poly for years and she has a really good attitude towards it. When I say good, I mean similar to mine. :D At least that's the impression I get. Her long-term partner is great too, me and him were also friends before me and Yvonne started dating, so there is no issue there. Hank and rory also really like Yvonne. So yay for uncomplicated metamour relationships! :)
 
I have noticed a shift in my sexual orientation in the last almost a year or so. I think I'm more and more into women. Or people who aren't cis-men. I'm still attracted to the men I've formed an emotional bond before, so I'm still totally into Hank and the few men I've had sex with before and I still kinda flirt with. But new men? I haven't had romantic feelings or sex with any new man since Ray and I started dating. And I'm the type who crushes on people very easily. It's not only about the lack of action though, but also when I'm at a party or even OKC, I keep looking at women more. There are some more subtle things as well that make me notice this. I'm not saying this is how it'll be forever, since I've heard a lot of bi people go through phases of being more attracted to some genders than others, so it could just be that.

What's interesting now is how both me and rory have changed in the last year, and how our relationship has changed. So rory identifies as a man and is mostly into men, and I identify as a woman and am mainly into women now. Of course life isn't that simple and romantic feelings tend to make people want to do stuff they wouldn't necessarily do otherwise, but the situation we find ourselves in at the moment is...interesting. And complicated. I mean, we both do still identify as bisexual since that is the simplest term to use when we're not dating people of exclusively one gender. And we both feel we can still want sex with people we've formed a connection with before things started changing, regardless of the gender of those people. So with all this in mind, we could in theory want sex with each other. And in some way we do want it, but in some other way we don't. We've had an almost non-existing sex life for almost a year now. We've very occasionally done something sexual within that time, but it hasn't gotten very far. There always seems to be something in the way. I have no idea where it's going to go from here, and I think we're both a little confused by our own sexualities and what our sex life could look like if we had one.

In the end it's about love and partnership. Me and rory want to be together because we want to share our lives with each other and be there for each other through ups and downs. The future of our sex life remains unknown, but otherwise we're doing really well. I think we've settled into a nice new way of being togehter, taking some space from each other as well. I don't feel as scared anymore that rory will just leave one day. I mean, I'm not totally over those thoughts yet, but they happen less often. I like the new normal, it's been peaceful. I hope we'll continue on this path for a long time.
 
I have a date coming up! I originally met this person at a party about a month ago, and I know one of the people she's dating. We flirted a bit when we were first talking to each other, but I didn't ask for her number or anything (which I kinda regretted the next day). Then later I saw her profile on OKC and I messaged her there. She replied and seemed happy that I messaged her. Then I asked her out, but she didn't respond to that for a week, so I thought that was it, she doesn't want to go out with me. But then there was another party last weekend and she was there as well. First I thought it was a bit awkward because she hadn't said no, she just left me hanging, so I wasn't really sure how to be around her. Like, did she want me to leave her alone? Should we talk about it? But I tried to let that go and just talk to her normally. At one point we ended up chatting quite a bit and then she said 'Sorry I never replied on OKC'. She told me the site is just too overwhelming and she gets so many messages that she couldn't handle it. Then she asked me for my phone number instead. I said I thought she didn't want to meet up at all, but she told me she does. So I gave her my number and she gave me hers, and now we're planning on meeting up next week. :)
 
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Wow, what a date! I'm smiling ear to ear. :) She's so cute, smiley, funny, chatty, interesting... I think I like her a lot. :eek: I told her that and she said the feeling is mutual. Yay! We're trying to see each again soon, but that requires a bit of reorganisation of other plans. But it seems like we're both keen on making it happen sooner rather than later. :)
 
We've now made plans for tomorrow. Tomorrow! That's how keen we are to see each other again. :eek: I'll call her Zooey (like Zooey Deschanel, since they are both super cute).
 
Cool, Mya :cool:

The excitement of a new relationship... lovely! Hope you have a good time tomorrow!
 
Thanks Nadya! :) I had an excellent time yesterday. I am so smitten with Zooey. :eek: She's younger than me and hasn't been poly for very long, but it seems to me she's willing to put in the work that poly requires. It was only our second date and we were already opening up to each other and sharing past experiences and feelings. It was beautiful. And we also made plans for a third date. Squee! :)
 
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