Mya's search for balance

Mya

Member
Thanks for your input, Meera!

Also, I don't think you should live with Marcus and his partner. You really like sharing a household with lovers and friends--but it seems like a lot of the "poly drama" in your life has come from jumping into shared housing situations where the whole group doesn't end up getting along.

Yep, I have come to this conclusion too. Paige has some qualities that I already know wouldn't work for me in a house sharing situation, so I'm not going to go down that route. I also don't think I'd want to live in a multi-partner situation in general, but I was willing to entertain the thought for a while to see if there was a way to live with Marco. But the answer is no, me and Marco will never live together, unless something unexpected happens, like him and Paige breaking up, but I don't want to live my life hoping that would happen.

I think you should try living alone for a while. Like, say, for a year (if you can afford it). It doesn't have to be forever. Just to get to know yourself better. As a route to figuring out what you truly want.

This is also something I've already concluded myself, so it's nice to see it recommended by someone else too. :) This is why I decided to live alone in the first place, to get to know myself better without the influence of other people living with me. When I've been talking about living with Marco and other general ponderings around that, it was never meant as an immediate thing. I just feel a bit hollow knowing that it will never be a possibility with Marco, no matter how long we date or how long I've lived alone. Also, pondering these things is part of getting to know myself and figuring out what I want. But don't worry, I do intend to live alone for a while still. It's been 4 months now, so at least a few more months, probably until that full year until my lease is up. Then I will re-evaluate based on my relationship situation, financial situation and situation with friends that I might want to live with.

But, I'm very biased. I'm solo poly, so the thought of living alone and seeing a partner twice a week = my vision of paradise. That doesn't have to be your vision of paradise!

But I think living alone for a while might help you stay centered in yourself while you pursue Option 2: being happy with the way things are with Marco, while being open to seeking a life partner to eventually live with.

Yes, it's definitely not my vision of paradise, but I can see how it would be for you. :) But I do know it's something I need to keep doing for a while. I just want to start thinking about future possibilities now instead of a month before my lease is up when I would have to make all the decisions at once.
 

Mya

Member
I think where you have to be careful is knowing what your goal is, and not getting sidetracked by interest in people who turn out to only be more casual. You'd have to keep your goal in mind and stick to it, so if you meet someone and you're interested, but they're not looking for a future live-in life partner, or you don't seem compatible with them in that way, then it's time to move on since that's specifically your goal. Otherwise you're just going to end up with 2-3 "Marco"s in your life and still feel like you want a live in partner but are't getting it.

I've been keeping this advice in mind, it's a good one. I recently hung out with the person I mentioned months ago, the one I was interested in but decided not to do anything about. I didn't even tell her I have a crush on her, but I found out in conversation that she's not looking for romantic relationships, she's only interested in casual, at least at the moment. So knowing that now, I'm not even going to express my interest since we want different things.

I enabled my OKC account again and in my profile made it quite clear what I'm looking for. I feel like my needs are in a bit of a niche area because I don't want to date anyone who already has a live-in partner or someone they're planning to live with in the future, or anyone who has a lot of partners, but I also can't date anyone who's monogamous. It would have to be someone in a pretty similar situation than me. And now I have a date with someone who feels exactly the same way about poly than I do! They've been dating polyamorously a long time as well, but are getting a bit tired of all the changes that tend to come with it, so they're looking for more stability while still remaining open to a degree. I'm hopeful. :) Even if this date doesn't go well or we don't have chemistry in person, at least I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do, so it's not impossible to find a person to date seriously while still being with Marco.

I think my ideal situation would be to date someone who I could have clear agreements with around dating. For example, I'd be very happy to promise a new partner that I won't start dating anyone new while I'm with them and Marco. I could even promise that I won't start dating anyone new even if me and Marco break up in the future, in practice making us a couple in an open relationship at that point. Kind of slowly wean myself off of poly. We'll see how this goes.
 

Mya

Member
I've made a big decision: I'm going to move back to Home Country. That's of course going to be hard for me and Marco, but he's just not in a position to give me the kind of partnership I want and I haven't found anyone else here who could either. I've started to really miss my mom and I want to be closer to her. I miss the feeling of family. For now it will be my parents, but one day hopefully I'll have a family of my own, whatever that consists of. Maybe a kid, maybe pets, put most importantly someone I love and want to share this life with. I'll still be in the current country for a few more months and me and Marco will continue seeing each other until then. We just had this conversation yesterday, so the hardest thing is out of the way. It was so hard telling him about my decision, but he was very understanding. He is such an amazing person who just wants me to be happy. I'm so glad I met him and got to spend this last year dating him, and I'll be sad when I can't see him weekly anymore. But that's life, sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get something else you really want.
 

fuchka

Active member
Wow, that is a big decision, Mya! I didn't manage to reply earlier to your musings around your dating options but it seems you have set your course now. Change can be unsettling but hope it all goes well for you with enjoying the end of your time where you are and with the move back to your home country.
 

opalescent

Active member
A tough decision but it reads like the right one for you. You seem sad but at peace about it, which makes total sense.

I know I do not live very far from my parents. I'm currently about an hour away from them - that works really well.
 

Mya

Member
Thanks for your comments, fuchka and opalescent! :)

I do feel pretty settled with this decision. I mean, of course it's going to be hard to leave a place I've spent a significant chunk of my life in and made important connections in, but...it's time.

The last couple of times I've spent time with Marco have been kind of bittersweet. I feel like there's this shadow hanging over us now every time we say I love you or have sex or do anything that is part of being in a relationship, because we know things will not be the same in a few months. It's hard. I have these two conflicting feelings, one is that I want to delay my move as long as possible to enjoy Marco and my friends here longer, and the other is that I should move as soon as possible so that I could start my new life and hopefully get the things I want sooner. The current plan is to move in three months, but I frequently have urges to delay that. I don't know, nothing's set in stone yet, but I should really start making practical moving arrangements at some point. *sigh*
 

Mya

Member
I've now set a fairly firm timetable for the move. Firm in the sense that I've actually started to contact moving companies. I'm moving in two months, in mid-September. I've gone back and forward with it, at times doubting the decision and once delaying the moving date, but in the end coming to the conclusion that this is the best decision for me. I've also come to accept that my relationship with Marco will end in its current form. It's been really hard to actually come to terms with. But I think it's finally happened. I've also decided that once I'm not seeing Marco anymore, I need to be single for a little while. I don't have a set time frame for how long I need to do it for, but at least a few months I think. I need to ground myself and kind of... re-set. I have literally never been single since I was 17. It would be good to find out who I am as an adult by myself, not thinking of anyone else's needs. Living alone has already done that to a degree, but being attached to someone romantically is still holding me back a little from being able to be completely selfish and self-reliant for a bit.
 

Mya

Member
It's been a while! So, I've now moved back to my home country. And nothing has gone the way I expected poly-wise. :p I thought I'd just stop being poly and find a monogamous person to date eventually. Well, in the end I just couldn't let go of Marco. What we have is so special. Of course we'll see each other less than before, but we are still seeing each other. I've already visited him and he has booked a flight to see me in a couple of weeks. We'll see how we do after that, but so far so good.

I also have a date with someone new. She is solo poly and also casually dating someone who has a primary partner. So a pretty similar situation than mine! I think my ideal situation would be to find one person to date seriously and keep seeing Marco every now and then. I don't want to date multiple new people, I just don't have the energy. We'll see how this goes. But I guess I'm still into polyamory to a degree, I just need to find a way to do it that works for me.
 

Mya

Member
Hello! It's been almost a year since I last wrote here, so I thought I'd give you an update. Living in my home country has been good, it was the right decision. I recently bought a little house in my home town as well, so now I'm very close to my family and some old friends, which feels lovely.

Me and Marco are, surprisingly, still together! We have been long-distance for a year now and even though it's often hard being apart, we're still doing pretty well. :) We manage to see each other every 3-6 weeks usually, staying about a week in the other's country at a time. We also closed the relationship, so now he's only seeing me and his platonic live-in partner Paige, and I'm not seeing anyone else. Paige is dating others and she's now in a new relationship. I don't identify as poly anymore. Me and Marco are sexually exclusive and that feels really lovely, especially because our sex is the best I've had in my life, so if I'm only having one sex partner, I'm glad it's this one!

It's still unclear what's going to happen in the future, but one option is that Marco would move to my home country at some point. Another option is that we'd find a way to spend about half our time together without moving in together. That would require a remote job for Marco, which is something he's looking into anyway because he enjoys working from home. So we'll see!

I do feel really relieved to not be poly anymore, it brings this sense of stability in my life that I've really missed. Me and Marco did however agree that we'd regularly check in with each other if we still feel like we want to continue on this mono path or if we want to re-open the relationship. So we're kind of keeping that option open in theory, if we both feel like that at some point in the future. Which I think is good, it's realistic. But right now this is where we're at. :)
 
So nice to hear from you! Such a lovely update, and I'm glad to hear you and Marco have found a way to make things work. :)
 

Leetah

Member
I’m glad you gave us an update and very glad to hear things are going so well!

Leetah
 

Mya

Member
Hello to anyone who still reads this. Things have changed, and I'm no longer in any sort of poly relationships, since me and Marco broke up. :( He told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't want to have kids and it's come up before that it's unlikely that he'd be able to move to my country in the near future (even before the current situation). And then this corona crisis hit, borders closed, and it slowly became obvious that we wouldn't be able to see each other in months and months, possibly up to a year. His live-in partner, mother and sister are all in a high-risk group, so even if borders were opened so that he could visit, it would be highly risky to do that and then go back home to his vulnerable loved ones. I could maybe just about cope with the long wait to see him, if I knew we had a future together to look forward to. But we really don't, we want such different things in life. I'm extremely sad about this and it broke my heart having to make this decision, but I just couldn't hold on anymore. :(

I want a family; someone to live with who wants a kid with me and wants to be monogamous. That's not something he can do right now and most likely never can. I'm running out of time when it comes to fertility, so I can't wait around much longer. I hate that our goals are not compatible even though we as people are.

What this also means is that I'm single for the first time ever in my adult life. I met my ex-husband when I was 17, we went poly for the last 2 years of our marriage and ever since then I've always had another partner already if I've broken up with someone. It's pretty wild to think about.
 

fuchka

Active member
Wow, Mya. That's a big update. Thanks for sharing.

You definitely have a clear relationship goal now and loads of experience to crystallise your conviction. I wish you all the best in achieving your dreams.

It is sad that you were not able to find compatibility with Marco in terms of life/relationship ambitions. It is crushing to have one and not the other, but you're right to seek both. Good on you for being clear-eyed about your needs and for making the hard decision for your own good. Even though it can hurt.
 

Mya

Member
Thank you for your kind words, fuchka. :) Yeah, it's true that at least now I know for sure what I'm looking for and I can try to achieve that once I'm healed.

My heart is still aching pretty badly at the moment. We said we want to remain friends, and I really do want that, but it will take some time before it's going to feel easy. We've talked on the phone once since the break-up and I low-key cried almost throughout the whole call, just because of hearing his voice. I think we just need a bit of distance first. I know many people go full-on no contact, and I can definitely see the benefits of it, but I don't want to do that. I want to have a little contact, but it just needs to be way less than before.
 
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