Navigating a polyamorous relationship can be complex...

U

UniqueDove42p

New member
Navigating a polyamorous relationship can be complex, especially when one person’s behavior disrupts the harmony. My husband and I are in a relationship with a girlfriend who also has a boyfriend. Initially, her boyfriend was supportive, but his behavior has changed. He now disrespects all three of us and interferes with her one-on-one time with my husband. Strangely, he doesn’t interrupt when she and I spend time together. This imbalance makes it feel like the relationship is no longer equitable or healthy.

Adding to the challenge, our girlfriend is unwilling to end things with her boyfriend, despite claiming to care deeply for both my husband and me. However, her actions don’t align with her words, as her boyfriend dominates her time. They are together every day and night, leaving little room for the connection we are supposed to share.

We’re at a loss for how to address this. How can we maintain boundaries, ensure mutual respect, and create a balanced relationship dynamic when one partner refuses to let go of a person whose behavior undermines everyone involved? How do we approach our girlfriend in a way that encourages understanding and compromise without further straining the relationship?
 
Hello UniqueDove42p,

It seems to me that in order for a three-person polycule to work, all three people have to be on the same page. You are clearly in love with your girlfriend, but your girlfriend is obviously not willing to break up with her interfering boyfriend. I guess the question is, how can you convince her to change her mind about that, but I don't know how you can do it. As for the interfering boyfriend, he seems to have some insecurity about her seeing your husband, in other words, he is insecure about a second penis being in the equation. This happens pretty commonly, we see this on this forum a lot. We call it an OPP -- a "One Penis Policy." He wants his penis to be the only penis she has in her life. Thus, whenever she tries to connect with your husband, her boyfriend interferes. But if she's not going to break up with him, there's not a lot you can do about that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'd break up with her if I were you (you singular). It's obvious her bf is not on board with her dating a MF couple, especially the M in the equation. I'd find that off-putting and break up with her. Tell her to get back to you if and when the dynamic changes with her other bf (if you even want her to, of course).

What your husband does is up to him. But once you get her out of your life, you can request she not spend time in your house. Hubs would have to find other places to meet with her. Then it's up to him whether he wants to keep dating this woman with the bf who is interrupting their dates all the time.
 
UniqueDove42p said:
How can we maintain boundaries, ensure mutual respect, and create a balanced relationship dynamic when one partner refuses to let go of a person whose behavior undermines everyone involved?
Click to expand...
It sounds to me that her boyfriend has an issue with her seeing others and in return you have the issue with her seeing him. In an attempt to control her, you want her to break up with her other partner. That's not cool. Imagine if she is getting the same crap from him?

You have a right to ask for what you want and need from her THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE HIM. More time, scheduled days, uninterrupted time together with phones off so no distractions, etc. it's up to her, as the hinge, to either agree and hold up that agreement or say no and let you choose if you want to be in a relationship with her. You do not get to tell her to break up with a partner. That's controlling. If a partner ever did that to me I'd end it with them.

So do that. Tell her what you need from the relationship and if she won't give it to you then you can end it.
 
Bobbi said:
It sounds to me that her boyfriend has an issue with her seeing others and in return you have the issue with her seeing him. In an attempt to control her, you want her to break up with her other partner. That's not cool. Imagine if she is getting the same crap from him?

You have a right to ask for what you want and need from her THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE HIM. More time, scheduled days, uninterrupted time together with phones off so no distractions, etc. it's up to her, as the hinge, to either agree and hold up that agreement or say no and let you choose if you want to be in a relationship with her. You do not get to tell her to break up with a partner. That's controlling. If a partner ever did that to me I'd end it with them.

So do that. Tell her what you need from the relationship and if she won't give it to you then you can end it.
Click to expand...

Bobbi said:
It sounds to me that her boyfriend has an issue with her seeing others and in return you have the issue with her seeing him. In an attempt to control her, you want her to break up with her other partner. That's not cool. Imagine if she is getting the same crap from him?

You have a right to ask for what you want and need from her THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE HIM. More time, scheduled days, uninterrupted time together with phones off so no distractions, etc. it's up to her, as the hinge, to either agree and hold up that agreement or say no and let you choose if you want to be in a relationship with her. You do not get to tell her to break up with a partner. That's controlling. If a partner ever did that to me I'd end it with them.

So do that. Tell her what you need from the relationship and if she won't give it to you then you can end it.
Click to expand...
I'm not wanting to control her at all we just want the same amount of attention as the bf gets. It's like we have to initiate any type of interaction.
 
UniqueDove42p said:
I'm not wanting to control her at all we just want the same amount of attention as the bf gets. It's like we have to initiate any type of interaction.
Click to expand...
In poly it's hard when you want "same" or "equal," because nothing in life works out that way. Most employers get most of our time. Some family get more than others, as do friends, and that also means partners. Try not to focus on that and instead focus on what it is you need to be happy.

I only say you are trying to control her because of how you wrote your post. She is "unwilling to end things with her boyfriend," which suggests you've asked her to. You blame him for "dominating her time". Has she told you that she doesn't want to spend that time with him, that she feels forced to do it? Or are you making this story up in your head because she is choosing to spend a majority of her time with him, and that makes you feel jealous? It's okay to be jealous or envious and want something someone else is getting. In poly, frequently someone gets less time and attention than someone else. In each relationship, the connection is individual, and sometimes one person feels stronger than the other. They have unequal desires or connection. This doesn't mean she doesn't care deeply for you or that her words don't match her actions. It means you have different expectations around that than the does.

Even between you and your husband, I guarantee she doesn't feel the same. If you need more time, ask for it. If hubby needs uninterrupted time he needs to ask for it. If either of you don't feel like you are getting what you need, then you can end it.

She is an autonomous person who can spend her time how she wants. Apparently she wants to spend a majority with him. As a hinge, it's up to her to decide if she wants to make more time with you. If not, then you aren't as compatible as you'd like to be. There's a reason they are called unicorns. In poly it's hard enough to find someone that is attracted to you both sexually, intellectually and romantically. Add poly, your type of poly, your kinks, your sexual style, relationship desires, time, energy, commitment, personality, level of escalation wanted and wanted with you, there is so much that needs to be compatible. On top of all of that rarity, you add needing that for both you and your husband... It's practically impossible, a fantasy, hence the mythical creature nobody has seen in real life.

In the end, all you can do is ask for what you want/need, and if you aren't happy with what you are getting, then it's time to move on. Stop blaming him. He is not the problem. Your partner chooses who she wants to spend time with. She is responsible for her choices and you are responsible for yours.
 
UniqueDove42p said:
I'm not wanting to control her at all we just want the same amount of attention as the bf gets. It's like we have to initiate any type of interaction.
Click to expand...
I see you are using the word "we" here. But you and your husband are not in "a" relationship with gf. You are in one relationship with her. Your husband is in his own separate relationship with her.

Gf's OSO (other significant other) is fine with you spending time with his gf. Two chicks together, doing whatever, shopping, giggling, painting their toenails, fucking... all good!! But his gf with another man's penis inside her, no good.

Maybe it would help to let your husband handle his own relationship with his gf in a way that suits him. It's not on you to solve that relationship's issues, or to manage hubby's emotions around it. That's on him and her.

You can continue to date gf, or break up with her if the whole situation seems stinky. Let hubs deal with it his way. If he's constantly venting to you about how her big bad bf constantly interrupts their dates, tell him, you're sorry, but that is his his deal to sort out. You're not the referee. Hubs needs to work on it. The gf needs to sort things out with her bf. Everyone has *their stuff.* You don't really need to do anything for *them.*

Your stuff:
Relationship with husband
Relationship with gf

Husband's stuff:
Relationship with you
Relationship with gf

Gf's stuff:
Relationship with her OSO
Relationship with you
Relationship with your husband
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top