need advice for lonely partner

kyle1016

New member
Hello,
This is my first post on this forum.
I've been with my primary partner for 11 years. She has been poly for a very long time. I am comparatively new to the lifestyle. I was never closed to the idea, just never had a chance to experience it before I met her.
We were monogamous for several years, but now we are exploring other partners.
My other partner does not identify as being poly. She is a very close friend to both of us and has been for several years. She does not currently have any other partners besides myself. She is surrounded by loving friends. Several of them know about us and are very supportive.
She is starting to be upset by feeling left out by not having a partner all her own. She says she doesn't want a full time relationship.
As an example, she was saying to me that it sometimes upsets her when a bunch of us friends, who are mostly couples, are all together, and she is the one that goes home without someone if we aren't planning to be together then. We try and spend a day or a night together every couple weeks.
I certainly don't want her to feel like the odd girl out, but I do understand to some degree.
I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this and if so, what did you do or say to reassure your other partner.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
My other partner does not identify as being poly.

So... are you saying she is monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and monogamous (wants to be in a 1:1 relationship model only)?

She is NOT monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (like she'd be fine doing monogamy or fine being an end point person in a poly V or similar.)

Is that what you meant?

She is starting to be upset by feeling left out by not having a partner all her own. She says she doesn't want a full time relationship.

So... she want a parnter to herself?

But doesn't want this person to be a nesting partner?

As an example, she was saying to me that it sometimes upsets her when a bunch of us friends, who are mostly couples, are all together, and she is the one that goes home without someone if we aren't planning to be together then.

But then she DOES want a nesting partner?

Or she wants to be part of a "known couple" that is just them 2?

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this and if so, what did you do or say to reassure your other partner.

I think the only one who can answer you is your partner. You could ask her what this is for her.

It might be one thing if she really wants to be here in a poly grouping, and is simply going to need some time to get through a period of adjustment. Because she doesn't want a full time relationship, and she can have that with you. But it comes with a price of admission -- sometimes she goes home on her own.

But if she's not really into poly, and wants a part time monogamous partner? Like maybe most of their time is taken up by school or career, or its LDR or something but she is the only romantic partner they have? That is another model.

So you may have to part ways because you are doing poly and that's not compatible with monogamy.

I suggest you talk it out.

Galagirl
 

kyle1016

New member
I would say she'd be fine doing monogamy or fine being an end point person in a poly V or similar. I'm the first person she has been in this type of relationship with, so there is definitely some adjustment going on.
I totally understand what your saying. We will definitely have a conversation about it. I think part of the problem is that she isn't entirely clear what she wants. She certainly wants what we have together, but I think she was maybe a bit unprepared for the trade-offs.
 

TXretired

Active member
Welcome. Sounds like you need to talk. Feeling left out is not unusual when a partner is with another. How it is managed is what is important. Honesty is needed. Understanding as well. You also have a responsibility to do what you can to make her feel important to you. You can only create that environment. Ony she can decide if she feels important. If she doesn’t, keep talking and keep trying.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It sounds like your old friend/new gf is feeling dissatisfied with being in a relationship with a polyamorous partner whom she only gets to see for a few hours every couple of weeks. I think that would seem unfulfilling to many, and not enough time to bond and sustain a relationship in a healthy manner, if that is all the time she is allotted, whether you were mono or poly, but especially since she's got no other partners.

Maybe she would like more time with you. Or maybe she'd like a different partner, whether they are mono or poly, who actually has more time for her. You could ask her this, and see if you can work out a better deal, with more quality time, or not.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello kyle1016,

You need to tell your other partner that she is of utmost importance to you, also you should tell her that she will soon find a partner all her own, that you feel certain of it, and then she will be in a couple. The important thing is to say things to her that will encourage her, reassure her, and make her feel better. You can do this, you got this.

There is a chance that on some subliminal level, she wishes you would break up with your primary partner, so that she could have you all to herself. She does not identify as poly. On the other hand, she does not want a full-time relationship. Maybe she just wants you to treat her as a co-primary partner. Is that something you could do?

All of the advice here is good so far, I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
So, let me make sure I understand. You are dating your (nesting?) long term partner. You are also dating your new partner who started as a mutual friend/is part of you AND your long term partner's social group. Long term partner has another partner? Or no because you've recently opened so her non-mono experience is in the past?

If she DOES have another partner, why not try to have some group hangouts include other person so you can be there with newer partner, older partner can be there with other partner, everyone is 'coupled up' and ends the night with someone? Or if there isn't another partner to include, just alternate who you end the night with. So it isn't always the same person left out of being 'coupled up'.

Or maybe group hangouts aren't great for yall as a poly network at this time. Ending the night alone is hard when you know your partner is unpacking/ still enjoying the night with someone else. This is why I wouldn't date someone in my close friend network, honestly. Too much awkward and too much potential drama. Too late for that now though, so just gotta find a way to work through it. You could take turns like I outlined above, take turns on who attends group hangs, or figure out which part bothers new partner (is it the not getting to unpack/ discuss the night? Is it the energy drop from being in a group then completely alone? Is it just a desire to cuddle after seeing you?) to address it specifically.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
As an example, she was saying to me that it sometimes upsets her when a bunch of us friends, who are mostly couples, are all together, and she is the one that goes home without someone if we aren't planning to be together then. We try and spend a day or a night together every couple weeks

You're in 2 couples. It's you who needs to work out how to be part of 2 couples in this circumstance.
 
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